Prescription for Miss Walker

I wanted to call Ash and explain what I knew.

I wanted to hear his voice, as he told me he had no other choice and I was all he ever actually needed. He'd drive to my door, wait for me while I ran to it and when I opened it, I'd see his face. I'd see emotions awakening within him he thought were lost, ones I'd never wanted to be the cause of since Ben. His eyes would twinkle, as we'd both try to speak, but then give up on it as we'd lose ourselves in each other, fully consumed by the desire we fueled.

At least... that's what I wanted to happen.

I hated him, sure, for how he left things, I didn't think I'd been so betrayed in my entire life. Even Ben's infidelity didn't compare to how crushed I was feeling.

And that had truly, and utterly, sucked.

Ash was a man whereas my ex had acted like a teenager just following his hormones. If anything, that should make Ben's actions more excusable - but it didn't. Not to me.

I'd spent more than eight years with a man who clearly didn't love me, deluding myself into thinking that's just how he worked. I wasn't going to stand for another.

Yet, the moment I scrolled through my mobile and found Ash's contact, breathing didn't come so easy.

I hadn't seen him in a while, whatever could I say to him?

Fuck. I hadn't thought this through one bit.

I slumped back on my couch, exhausted suddenly. I was tired of mulling over what Dr Spears had said and weighing up the consequences. Why did it have to be so hard?

Ugh, I didn't sign up for this.

I coughed, the echo of my loneliness the only sound. It reminded me that I was all alone, despite that I was surrounded by people. I'd lived alone, I'd die the same.

I rubbed my stomach, tears begging to consume me, knowing it was a pain I could never walk away from.

I deserved this, I kept telling myself. People had done so before, multiple of them. After it being said so many times, how could I deny it?

I wasn't a person, but a monster, a disease.

Diseases needed to be eradicated, cured or stabilized. Not loved, never were they.

Chaotic thoughts were more than what I needed right now. I was already only just holding on by a thread, I didn't need to hack myself down.

I truly was fucked up.

Why was I waiting around for this cancer to take me? I mean, I could've ended it myself by this point. Nobody cared enough to grieve, nobody loved me the way I wanted them to... Finally, Ben's last words to me were starting to make sense.

"You’re a self-destructive piece of shit, Shira. You think you’re better than me? Well, maybe you should open your eyes before you claim such superiority.”

Like a burden. Is that what I was? A piece of shit I could understand, as I didn't really care about anyone but myself - but a burden? Had I honestly been so blind all this time?

I wanted to fight, believe me, especially this time around. I'd just gotten my first nephew, who was so beautiful and full of life, I wanted to see him grow up to be a perfect gentleman. Yet... how could I? I'd die before the year was up.

My choices all led me here. Choices I didn't want to have to make. Choices I didn't think I'd ever have to.

I was dying.

Soon enough, there'd be no choices left, except if I wanted people around when I croaked. A time where I'd lose control of my body, my bowels and mind. I wouldn't be Shira anymore.

Nothing but a living corpse.

Choices made us human, a decision we made all on our own. They opened up gateways to new beginnings, or slammed the doors shut if wished upon. They provided us with an elimination process, cast out what is bad and seize the good. Choices were what defined us, made us who we are.

And lately, mine had been the worst possible.

My only choice now was to die happy, or die knowing I never lived up to the potential I clearly had.
The latter was what I'd been heading towards lately, without sight, but I wanted to be happy. It might not seem like it, as I'd made all the wrong decisions with my life, but I knew what I wanted. Always had.

Up until now, I'd become the one thing I promised never to do.

I'd been living a lie.

Instead of getting upset about it, I took a deep breath, suppressed my cough when it tried to break free, and picked up my mobile and phone book. I started with my first contact and, with a hammering heart, dialed the number.

"Hey, Abigail Lloyd? This is Shira Walker. You might not remember me, but we used to go to History study group in ninth grade. Anyway, I'm at a point in my life that I've discovered I done wrong by you. I mean, I knew I had before, but I was a teenager and I just wanted to show I always got what I wanted. Whereas now, making out with your boyfriend, Chris, in front of you - twice - makes me feel disgusting. I'm looking to make amends for that choice I made, because I know it wasn't a mistake. I just hope you can find it in you to forgive me."