March 27, 2016

I thought I wasn't affected by Nikki leaving me. I thought all was well and I jumped back into the single life. It was destructive and I had no idea. I felt so in control.

There was a bit of flirting here, some sexting there. There were so many apps and so many messages. There were only 3 men that left a lasting impression during that limbo period I went through:

The first was Columbo. (Columbo isn't his real name. Columbo is another name for weed. His real name was also another name for weed) Columbo was tall, tan, and handsome.
Columbo was younger than I am. He was barely 18 and I was barely 20. Two years doesn't seem like a huge age gap. However, I always felt that until people reach the age of about 25, they mature so rapidly that even just one year is an immense gap.
Columbo was one smooth charmer and on top of that, I was very vulnerable. He took advantage of that.
He was strictly friendly at first and then flirty. I didn't play along at first, but he was persistent. Eventually, he asked me to be his girlfriend and I gave in. Immediately after I said yes he said he loved me. This was a huge red flag, but I ignored it.
This was yet another long distance relationship of mine. I exclusively date long distance, apparently.
Columbo liked to pretend as if we were so in love and so perfect for one another. He was extremely cheesy and I honestly thought it was cute. I was his first ''girlfriend'' ever so I dismissed everything questionable about the way he acted because I thought he was still trying to figure everything out.
He pressured me into saying "I love you" back to him and he also pressured me into being intimate with him. At first I dodged him by saying I was shy and insecure, but he got tired of those excuses.
I was letting him brainwash me into believing he actually cared about me and so I gave him the things he wanted.
We had horrible conversations. Our schedules only lined up for a small window of time every day and during that time, we had the most uninteresting and unmemorable conversations.
For him, it was lust and for me it was desperation.
We dated for a whole two weeks.
He broke up with me and used the whole "it's not you, it's me" line. He also made fun of me for developing feelings for someone I'd never met in person. Then he said he just wanted a break. Every time I tried asking questions, he gave me vague answers. That frustrated me, so I attempted to start over a few days later and he rejected me.

The second was Alvin. (Again; Alvin isn't his real name. Alvin means friend and this guy's real name means companion and I thought they were similar enough) Alvin was short, cute, and has an accent that makes me swoon.
I had great, playful conversations with him. After just a few days of knowing him, I confessed to him that I had a crush on him. He said he felt the same way.
At first, it felt genuine with him
However, he also pressured me into becoming intimate with him too early. Shortly after that, he got bored with me and he talked to me less and less every day until he stopped talking to me at all.
I stalked his profile on the app we met and turns out he talked to a handful of girls.

The third was Husband. I'm calling him that because we called each other Husband and Wife. It was pretty cute. After a few days of constantly talking, he randomly told me that he felt like he didn't deserve me. He deleted his profile and never talked to me again. I only remember him because those few days were great. He also lived in the same state as I do. For a second I thought it was headed somewhere. I guess not.