No Solution
Rant Number One
Defective is one way to put it.
In so many ways, it describes me. Not a single part of me was put together right it seems. My lungs have been scarred since my birth, and my back has been bent at a fairly decent angle for about the same amount of time. Both of my knees click when I walk, my shoulders hurt constantly, headaches plague my days.
Im not even in my prime and my body is already failing me.
So is my mind.
I can't remember any single day of my life clearly, not even yesterday, not even today. It all kind of runs together into one, long day that spans all of what I can remember. My birthday was a few weeks ago, and I didn't realize it was my birthday until my friends reminded me. They had to remind me five times.
If only that was the worst of it.
I have been in a depressed slump for the better part of a decade. Kind of puts a damper on things when you are too tired of life to live it, but too afraid to actually stop.
I guess she kind of helped me out with that.
I used to be a real social guy, and even now people say im charming, that I'm a good speaker. Always been told that I have the wit, the charm, and the line of bullshit necessary to go into politics. If only I didn't hate people. I can't deal with them. I hate how they judge, how they mentally disect you to see how valuable you are, I hate how they scoff at me when I am solving math to calm myself down. I fucking hate people.
I guess she kind of caused that too.
I loved her, I hated her, and now she's back. And now she's crying.
I waltzed back into her life out of the blue, and we tried to make peace. We did make peace. Bridges she burned in her episodes, and bridges that i burned in spite, they were restored. We became friends, like the good old days. Then it passed that.
First flirting, then talking about relationships, then her modeling her new lingerie for me, then sexting.
And now she's crying.
She thinks that i'm just like him, that I just want her for sex and that once she stops, I'll leave again.
She thinks im just using her emotions to get into her pants. She isn't angry about it, she just wants me to stay. Whatever made me happy, she would do, she said, she just didn't want me to leave again. I told her she didn't need to do that.
And now I'm crying.
She can't trust me. I guess that's my fault, after last summer I don't think she ever can again. I don't think i can ever trust her again either.
It doesn't help that she has a girlfriend. It doesn't help that I do too.
Math isn't like people. Math is perfect. No matter what you do to a number, how you split it, you can always turn it back. Its always amendable. It always is so black and white. It always makes perfect sense. It gives me peace.
I've been doing math for a week, every chance I get. I needed to solve this one problem. After a notebook full of work, I finally got the answer: No Solution.
In so many ways, it describes me. Not a single part of me was put together right it seems. My lungs have been scarred since my birth, and my back has been bent at a fairly decent angle for about the same amount of time. Both of my knees click when I walk, my shoulders hurt constantly, headaches plague my days.
Im not even in my prime and my body is already failing me.
So is my mind.
I can't remember any single day of my life clearly, not even yesterday, not even today. It all kind of runs together into one, long day that spans all of what I can remember. My birthday was a few weeks ago, and I didn't realize it was my birthday until my friends reminded me. They had to remind me five times.
If only that was the worst of it.
I have been in a depressed slump for the better part of a decade. Kind of puts a damper on things when you are too tired of life to live it, but too afraid to actually stop.
I guess she kind of helped me out with that.
I used to be a real social guy, and even now people say im charming, that I'm a good speaker. Always been told that I have the wit, the charm, and the line of bullshit necessary to go into politics. If only I didn't hate people. I can't deal with them. I hate how they judge, how they mentally disect you to see how valuable you are, I hate how they scoff at me when I am solving math to calm myself down. I fucking hate people.
I guess she kind of caused that too.
I loved her, I hated her, and now she's back. And now she's crying.
I waltzed back into her life out of the blue, and we tried to make peace. We did make peace. Bridges she burned in her episodes, and bridges that i burned in spite, they were restored. We became friends, like the good old days. Then it passed that.
First flirting, then talking about relationships, then her modeling her new lingerie for me, then sexting.
And now she's crying.
She thinks that i'm just like him, that I just want her for sex and that once she stops, I'll leave again.
She thinks im just using her emotions to get into her pants. She isn't angry about it, she just wants me to stay. Whatever made me happy, she would do, she said, she just didn't want me to leave again. I told her she didn't need to do that.
And now I'm crying.
She can't trust me. I guess that's my fault, after last summer I don't think she ever can again. I don't think i can ever trust her again either.
It doesn't help that she has a girlfriend. It doesn't help that I do too.
Math isn't like people. Math is perfect. No matter what you do to a number, how you split it, you can always turn it back. Its always amendable. It always is so black and white. It always makes perfect sense. It gives me peace.
I've been doing math for a week, every chance I get. I needed to solve this one problem. After a notebook full of work, I finally got the answer: No Solution.