Falling Apart

When they got back to the house, J had to help Adelaide change her clothes and get her into bed. She was still in shock and not saying much at all.

"Adelaide," he whispered, sitting beside her on the bed as she stared off into the distance. "Doll, look at me please." She made no move at first but then her head slowly turned towards him.

"I killed them, J. I don't even know why. My sister might have deserved it, but those other people didn't," she said in a small robotic voice that made J thoroughly uncomfortable.

"It was self-defense, Adelaide. They were going to kill you. You heard them say it," he said in a low tone, trying his best to sound comforting.

"She said you killed her fiancee. That's why she was so mad," Adelaide whispered, and at first J didn't know what she was talking about but then it clicked.

"When?" he asked her and she shrugged deeply.

"She just said that you killed him. You killed him and now I killed all of them," she whispered, her voice ragged.

"Adelaide. It's going to be okay. It was self-defense," he said again, trying to put his arm around her. She shrugged out from under him.

"I think this was a mistake, J," she said and the words felt like they cut into his heart.

"What was?"

"This. All of it. Us," she told him, saying the words he knew were coming. He'd worried they were coming since the day he'd fallen in love with her.

"Addy-"

"No. Don't sweet talk me. Don't call me 'doll'. I'm not your doll. I'm a murderer, and I wouldn't be if it weren't for you," she said, her voice rising in anger.

"Might I remind you that you killed one of my men long before we even met?"

"That was an accident and you know it."

"The point still stands."

"I killed my fucking sister, J!"

"I know."

"I murdered those five other people without even blinking an eye!"

"I know."

"Would you stop being so fucking calm?!"

"Listen, Adelaide. If you want to leave, if you think your life will ever be normal again after all of this, I'm not going to stop you. You know how much I love you, and I'll always be here for you no matter what. I know you're hurting and I'm very sorry but there's nothing I can do to go back and fix it. If you want to blame me, if that's what you have to do to make yourself feel better, then I'll take that bullet for you. I'll do anything you want me to, if you'll just tell me what that is," J whispered, sounding more sincere than she'd ever heard him sound.

"I think... I think we need to take some time," she said, sounding very unsure of her words.

"I'd be happy to give you the keys and address of my other house."

"No. I think we need to be... apart," she told him, still sounding like she had no idea if she was making the right decision or not.

"Adelaide, I have to make sure you're aware of the fact that if you leave the comfort of these walls and my protection, I have no control over what happens to you out there. People will be after you just based on the fact that you were my girl and... then you weren't," he said, and she could tell that he was doing his best to not get choked up.

"I think I have to be willing to take the chance. I'm so scared, J. I'm becoming this person that I don't recognize and I fucking hate it. I hate how much I've changed, and maybe it is who I was supposed to become. Maybe this is really me and I just had no idea before. I'm not saying that's impossible. I'm just saying that I think I need to... get out and find out for sure," she said, looking at him with tears in her eyes. "I love you, but I have to... I have to figure my shit out, J."

"If that's what you want."

"It's not. But I think it's what needs to happen."

"I love you."

"I love you too, J."

She left the next morning. She found a backpack in a closet and packed it as full as she could get it. Anything else, she said, she'd have to find on her own. After hours of trying to force it, J had finally gotten her to take some cash from him, just to make sure she could get on her feet.

She didn't know what she was looking for as she looked at J one last time before walking out the side door to head out to her motorcycle in the garage. Mostly she was just looking for herself. She did love him, she really did. There wasn't a single question in her mind that she did. Mostly she just needed to get out and figure out who the hell she was without him because she couldn't totally remember anymore. She scared herself when she was around him. She became 'the Joker's girl'. She became almost as monstrous as he could be. She didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Part of her felt powerful at his side, but another part of her felt like she didn't belong there, if for no other reason than he deserved someone so much better and more capable, someone totally ready to do battle beside him.

As she looked into his eyes for the last time, she saw devastation. He wasn't even trying to hold back his tears for her anymore. They slipped down his face haphazardly, smearing all of his makeup and making it run down his neck and onto his shirt.

"I'll always love you," she whispered over the roar of her bike, wondering if she was making a huge mistake as she drove off down the street.