From Darkness

Even though most of the crops were dormant, the household seemed to have an endless supply of chores that needed to be done. It wasn’t long before the old woman was awake. I could hear her moving around in the next room before she knocked on our door and waited for Bucky to respond. He did, but neither of us moved from our place on the chair. We listened to her go downstairs before he said anything at all. He moved his hand up and down my back.

“She wants me to feed the animals,” he told me. I smiled.

“They seem to like you,” I noted. He laughed quietly.

“Only because I keep treats in my pockets.”

“Well, that’s a good way to make them like you.”

“I only did it so they’d stop biting my ass.”

Then I laughed—a real, honest-to-God snort. I buried my face in the crook of his neck and couldn’t hold back. I felt his shoulders shaking, and I realized he was laughing too. Not the usual way he did, short and to the point, but a real lighthearted, genuinely amused laugh. I lifted my head so I could see the way it lit up his face.

It was better than I expected. It seemed to take years of tension off of his features. And there was something endearingly boyish about the smile. Like he was really just a man in his early thirties laughing about goats biting him on the ass. I’d never heard him laugh like that before. I couldn’t place a single memory, real or imagined, where I’d ever seen him look so young and carefree.

I didn’t want to ruin the moment. So I just shook my head and kissed him on the forehead before climbing off his lap. The smile remained. I could see it clinging to his features when he dropped his head to the back of the chair and watched me step away. His eyes were light. He looked happy.

“I can help with your work,” I told him as I gathered up the clothes Dana loaned me. “I just want to take a shower first.”

“I’ll meet you downstairs,” he said.

I went to leave, but he reached out and took my hand. He was still resting with his head on the back of the chair. He wore the marks and scars that Hydra left on his skin but otherwise appeared normal and calm. And it was the first time I felt like things might actually turn out alright. So I leaned down and kissed him gently on the cheek. His eyes closed, and my heart felt lighter.

I thought about him the entire time I got ready for the day. My dreams had been violent and terrifying, and I wondered how I’d feel if he hadn’t been there when I woke up. Would I still be shaken and scared? Still angry from my conversation with Dana the night before? He made the darkness melt away. I almost felt something close to happiness. Of course, there were still a million things I had to worry about and fear but, for that moment, I felt warm. Hopeful. Maybe things wouldn’t be so bad.

I never questioned whether Bucky and I had a sexual attraction. I knew we both felt it. But we’d never been able to share much beyond that. At least not intimately. There was always something urgent to address. Always the knowledge that he was going to leave at any moment or that something would take him away. Something guiding us and pushing us to act while we still had the chance.

It was nice to have something different for once. To just sit there in silence and watch the sunrise. Laugh about goats. Eventually, we’d have goals and urgent matters again. But we had time to waste now, and it was the only thing that we’d missed out on before.

And okay, the attraction was still there. When he touched me or looked at me, the memories would roll back. I’d feel it in the way his eyes would linger on mine as if I could almost see what he was thinking. Imagining those brief few nights we’d been allowed to waste time in each other’s arms, acting on the only feeling we had enough time to act on. We’d never been given a chance to know each other’s thoughts and dreams and pasts, but we’d had the chance to know each other’s bodies.

And I missed that too. It hadn’t lasted long—either time. But we’d grown so comfortable with each other so quickly. I wanted to feel it again. I just wanted to feel anything at all. To melt away our tensions and fears with the goal of mutual satisfaction.

The old woman was getting breakfast started when I finally made my way to the kitchen. I still hadn’t figured out how to address her. She insisted on being called “babulia” by both me and Bucky, but I was pretty sure I knew what it meant. And I don’t think I was ready to call her “grandma.” Dana was still with Russell, and the older woman shooed me away when I went to go check on him. So I told her I was going outside to help Bucky feed the animals.

I found him in the shed with his sleeves rolled up, unbothered by the chill in the air. He’d pulled his hair back out of his face. He was stretching up, lifting heavy bags of feed onto higher shelves where the dogs couldn’t reach. His shirt lifted when he stretched, exposing a strip of skin on his back that made heat shoot through my body. I remembered digging my fingers into his back, desperately holding on as I begged him not to stop.

I shut the door, and the hazy light engulfed us. It was darker in the shed but not so dark that I couldn’t make him out in the dusty golden light. He looked back at me.

“Hey,” he said.

“Need any help?” I asked. He got the bag of feed secured and turned to face me. He pulled the gardening gloves off of his hands as he regarded me.

“No, I think I’m finished. I was going to go back around and see if anything needed to be cleaned up, though.” I nodded.

“But it’s not like—urgent?” His eyebrows rose in question.

“No, I don’t think so. We have all day.” I reached out to take the gloves from his hands. He moved in closer as I fiddled with them. “Did you want to talk?” he whispered. But he’d gotten close enough for me to feel his heat. I looked up at him, only inches away, and shook my head. I didn’t want to talk, but we could start that way. We were in a shed, after all. It wasn’t like we could go back to the house and tear each other’s clothes off while our host cooked breakfast.

“Do you remember when we met?” I asked him. His eyebrows furrowed.

“Which time?” I shook my head.

“Either.” He looked away at the frosted window behind me.

“The first time I ever saw you, it was through the scope of my rifle.” I winced. “I wish I could tell you I felt something then. But I was just trying to decide if I should kill you or not.”

“Well, I’m glad you didn’t.” He almost smiled then.

“Me too. The second time was better, though.”

“You remember?” He chewed on his lip and nodded slowly.

“I remember being angry.” I set the gloves on the bench behind me and took a step closer. He didn’t look like he even noticed I’d moved into his personal space, but then his hands came to rest on my hips, pulling me against him so that we were touching. I moved my hands up his arms.

“Angry? Why?”

“At Steve.” He shrugged. “I didn’t remember much about him then. I just knew that he’d been calling a woman in New York. I couldn’t figure out why he’d do that if he already had you.”

“You were—jealous?” He finally looked down at me.

“Jealous that he had someone. Someone like you. Beautiful. Kind. I was irritated that he didn’t seem to appreciate what he had. I couldn’t remember—feeling cared for. I thought if I was lucky enough to have something like that—I wouldn’t—waste it.”

“You do have something like that.” He was slow to respond, just studying me with those sharp blue eyes. My breathing had gotten more difficult. I knew he felt it against his chest.

“I know,” he said eventually. “And I wasted it anyway.” I glanced at his lips. They were parted, and I could feel him breathing just a little harder too. His eyes had gone soft, and his fingers flexed on my hips.

“We have time now,” I whispered.

“In the shed? Or just in general?” I laughed.

“Both. But mostly the shed.” He moved his hand to trace his fingers over my jaw. His face was close enough now that our noses were touching.

“Here? Are you sure?”

“I mean—we don’t have to. It’s just a suggestion. I know I’m all boney and….”

His lips crashed against mine, and his hands gripped my hips to pull me against him. We fell back against the workbench, and I kissed him hard. He kissed me like he’d been waiting all this time just to cross that boundary. Like a rubber band stretched too far.

I moved my hands to that strip of skin above his jeans, and he pressed me tightly against the workbench. My body felt hot and desperate. Some part of me knew it probably wasn’t the right time or place for this. But I didn’t want him to stop. He broke away and dragged his lips down to my neck. He bit down, and I dug my nails into his skin.

“The first time we met,” he whispered against my skin when I slid my hands around to his front to unbutton his jeans. “When we really met, and I got to know you, I thought you were beautiful.” He kissed me again, and I shut my eyes. His hands moved between us to unbutton my jeans. “No matter what they did to your body or your mind—I still think you’re beautiful.” His hands slid down the back of my jeans, and he squeezed me and pulled me against him.

We were both breathing hard, and I didn’t have anything to say. I didn’t care that we were in a dirty shed because I didn’t want to wait all day to get a chance to be alone with him. I didn’t want to have to be quiet and slow so that no one overheard us. I just wanted him, and I could feel that he wanted me too.

He gripped me harder as our mouths came back together. I clutched his shoulders, and his hands began to work my jeans down. They weren’t very tight anyway, so it wasn’t going to take much. I knew he didn’t care where we were either, but he was right when he called me a distraction. Because I knew for a fact that he had impeccable hearing, and all his attention was on me until the moment the shed door burst open.

“Joh—anna,” Dana stuttered.

Bucky pulled away quickly and took a step back, but he kept his back to her. I righted myself on my feet and pulled my shirt down to cover the fact that my jeans were undone and barely hanging onto my hips. She looked between the two of us for a moment before focusing on me. I was afraid she would scold us or make another comment about how it looked like we didn’t even want to be in the same room. But instead, she just looked panicked.

“It’s Ivan,” she said, and my heart dropped. Everything slammed back into focus. Here I was making out in a shed when I should have insisted on checking on him first thing in the morning. I’d let myself get distracted too.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, heart pounding.

“Just come.”

She turned on her heel and rushed out of there. I couldn’t look at Bucky as I pulled my jeans back up and zipped them. He had to do the same, but he had a much different problem to worry about. Neither of us said anything. As soon as I was decent, I hurried after her.