From Darkness

I didn’t move for a long time, but I couldn’t get my eyes to stay shut. Every time the rocking of the car lulled me to sleep, I’d see that same living darkness. Sucking the life out of everyone around me. I’d jolt awake, and Bucky would glance at me to make sure I was okay and wasn’t going to swing at him again. Most of the time, he didn’t say anything at all. But every once in a while, when I jolted particularly violently, he’d just say, “You’re safe now. You’re going to be okay.”

Sometimes he’d stop the car to give me more water or chunks of the chalky protein bar. He’d reach around the back to poke at Russell to make sure he was okay or ask for directions. Eventually, he concluded I wouldn’t overdo it with the water or food and set them both on my lap. He didn’t take his eyes off the road after that.

The sun was just beginning to rise when we reached a dirt road. It seemed to wind on forever, and there was nothing to look at but trees on either side. When we finally came to a clearing at the end, it was morning.

Russell sent us to a small farm. The house itself sat far off the main road, mostly hidden behind trees and animals wandering freely. Dogs barked as Bucky turned the car toward the house. Goats bounded into the trees. He brought us right up to the house, terrifying the chickens and making them scatter before we came to a stop.

“Let me go first,” he said, reaching for the handle.

I just wanted to get out to help Russell. My head still hurt, and my body was too weak. I hadn’t stood on my feet in a while, so I wasn’t sure if I could even hold myself up. But I couldn’t sit still and wait for him to make sure we were safe. I unbuckled my belt and moved to climb out. But Bucky was standing beside my door, back to me, not moving.

He was blocking me.

I popped the door open and peeked around him. A woman was standing at the end of the steps just a few feet away. She had a military-grade rifle pointed at his chest. The expression on her face told me she wasn’t accustomed to visitors. If she knew who he was, she probably would have fired already.

I stepped out onto the hard frozen dirt. The wounds on my feet stung, and my legs wobbled. I had to grab onto him just to get myself standing. I probably looked like a mess. Blood caked to my hair and stuck on my face. I was wearing a tank top, so my scarred shoulders were exposed and visible.

The woman immediately cut her eyes to me. She was barefoot like I was but dressed for a day of hard work. We must have caught her by surprise. She moved the barrel of the gun in my direction, but Bucky stepped to the side, blocking me from her. He held his hand out as if he’d have to stop me from moving around him.

The memories sliced through me again. When he’d held his hand out to stop me from moving around him. Right before they’d thrown me off a balcony.

When the woman opened her mouth to speak, I couldn’t understand the language. But Bucky apparently did and had no problem slipping into the same tongue to answer. She kept her eyes on him and didn’t glance at me as I peeked over his shoulder. She also didn’t lower the weapon.

“Dana,” a voice croaked from the car. He tapped his knuckles on the glass, so I turned and yanked the back door open. I hopped into the car beside him to check him.

“Ivan?” she asked. She lowered the gun and took a step to the side to peer into the backseat.

“They’re with me. You can trust them. Both of them.”

“He needs help,” I told her now that I knew she understood English. She nodded quickly, giving Bucky another suspicious once-over.

“Help me get him into the house. We’ll put him in my room.”

Bucky reached in and held his hand out to me. I reluctantly let him pull me out of the car so that I could get out of the way. He put his hands on my hips and gently guided me to lean against the car, knowing full well that I couldn’t hold myself up for long. But then he let me go and got to work getting Russell out of the back.

I was useless.

Another woman stepped out of the house while I watched them work. The younger woman had to be in her late forties or early fifties, but the second woman was much older. She had the same gray eyes, but her hair had faded into a dusty color that must have been light brown at some point. She looked us all over before turning her gaze to me.

“Dziaucyna,” she said. She hobbled down the steps and gripped my arm. I backed up into Bucky. He put a hand on my shoulder.

“Go with her,” he instructed. “We have it under control. You can trust her. You’re safe.”

I wanted to help. It was my fault he was hurt, but there was nothing I could do. I could barely stand, let alone carry someone. So I let the old woman pull me to her. She had me lean on her as she guided me toward the steps. She squeezed my shoulders as if assessing that I was too skinny.

The front door opened into a small kitchen. There was a bedroom connected to it on the right. She flicked the light on and pulled me into it. Then she deposited me into a chair and got to work pulling the covers back on the bed. I wanted to do something to help. Anything. But I couldn’t even get myself out of the chair. Bucky and the other woman carried Russell in through the door. He was awake, biting his lip and trying hard not to scream from the agony of his wound.

“When did it happen?” the woman was asking. Russell had called her Dana.

“Yesterday,” Bucky told her.

“What happened?” He glanced at me before getting Russell into the bed. He didn’t answer that question. Just stepped back while Russell twisted in agony. I finally got myself out of the chair, tumbling onto the bed at his side. I reached for the jacket tied around his waist, fumbling with my trembling hands. Dana propped pillows up underneath him.

“Don’t worry about me,” he said through clenched teeth. “She hasn’t eaten. She was bleeding.” Dana turned her eyes to me.

“I’m fine,” I told her.

“You don’t look it. Where were you bleeding?” she asked. I shook my head.

“I don’t—I don’t know. But I wasn’t shot either. I’ll be fine.”

“Johanna,” the older woman said. She was standing back by the door now, twisting her fingers in front of her and staring at me with wide gray eyes. Her light hair was pulled into a tight bun at the back of her head.

“How do you know my name?”

“She doesn’t speak very much English,” Dana told me, pulling the sheets up over Russell’s legs. He was dressed just like I was. Simple clothes that might as well have been pajamas. No shoes. “We knew Ivan when he was young.” I went back to work and yanked his shirt up so I could examine the entry wound.

“I need towels. All the medical supplies you have. Sewing supplies too. The room isn’t sterile, but it’ll have to do. Has it been more than twenty-four hours?” I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter. I’ll need to see how bad it is. Close range. Through and through?” I glanced at Bucky. He nodded once. I took a deep breath.

Dana had been watching me. More importantly, staring at my hands, which were shaking so badly, I struggled just to get his shirt up.

“Let me do it,” she said.

“No.” I didn’t want anyone else to touch him. I didn’t know these women, and I didn’t trust them to do it right. It was my fault. I had to be the one to fix it. Bucky was right about that. I was the expert. Those memories were real. The instinct to help was real. “I’m fine. I’ve trained for this.”

“But my hands aren’t shaking. Not covered in dirt and blood and scratches.” I looked down at them. I hadn’t looked at them before now, but she was right. They were disgusting. Scratches scattered my skin. The bandages around my palms were frayed and hardened with dried blood and dirt. My nails were broken, chipped, cracked, and caked with dirt. There was a substantial slice through one of my thumbs.

“I just need to clean up. I can do it.”

“It’s fine, Jo,” Russell said. “I trust them. I’ll walk them through whatever they don’t already know.” I looked back at him, propped up on the pillows now. His salt and pepper hair was messy and had turned at least three shades closer to silver. He looked older and thinner than my memories. There were dark circles under his eyes.

“I don’t—I don’t even know who they are.”

“I’ve known them a lot longer than I’ve known you. I trust them with my life. I trust them with yours. Which is saying a lot. You know I like you more than me. Go get cleaned up. Get some rest. Get something to eat. You’ve been through a lot.”

“I can do it.”

“If you go anywhere near him with anything sharp, you’ll shred through him like tissue paper,” Bucky remarked.

He was standing across the bed by Dana, watching me trying to reason with them. I sent him a glare. I didn’t care that my hands were shaking, and it felt difficult to move. I couldn’t stand back and do nothing. Not when I could fix my own mistake. At least thinking about medical procedures was keeping the darkness at bay.

“Look,” he said with a softer tone. “I know you’re good at what you do. But now isn’t the time. He doesn’t have the luxury of waiting for you to recover, and you’ll do more harm than good. They wouldn’t let you do an invasive operation with shaking hands. You know that.”

I sighed and gripped the blanket. He was right. I was too weak. Too shaky. I probably wouldn’t even be awake long enough to do the job right. I could barely think straight, let alone hold a scalpel.

“I can walk them through what to do,” I argued.

“We will.”

“You said I was the expert. Russell will pass out. He won’t be able to tell them what to do if he’s unconscious.”

“Ivan,” he said from the pillows, eyes shut and exhausted. “You know I hate when you call me that.”

“I can do it,” Dana assured me. “Trust me. It won’t be the first time.” Bucky moved around the bed and gently put his hand on my arm. I looked up, begging him not to force me to leave. But he gave me the same sad, pitying expression.

“It’s for the best,” he said.

“But it’s my fault.”

“It’s not your fault. They’ll do everything they can. Let me help you.” I looked back at Russell—Ivan—and he gave me a reassuring smile.

“Go,” he said. “It’ll be a piece of cake.” I sighed heavily, and Bucky seemed to realize I was giving in. His hand was warm on my shoulder, and it was warm enough to keep the panic from surging through me again. He helped me up onto my feet and then wrapped an arm around me when I wobbled.

“I’ll do whatever I can,” Dana assured me.

Bucky scooped me up into his arms and followed the old woman into the kitchen. I rested my head against his chest so I could hear the sound of his heartbeat.