From Darkness

The conversation died the moment Dana left. Bucky was capable of acting as a translator, and he did whenever the situation called for it, but there didn’t seem to be anything to carry us along anymore. The mood went somber, and even though we all probably had questions, we didn’t voice them. All I wanted to do was go back to Russell’s room and wait for him to wake up.

I couldn’t eat a whole lot. Bucky said it was because I still needed time to adjust to solid food. So when I’d had enough, I leaned back and rested my head on the back of the chair. I shut my eyes and listened to the sound of him quietly talking to the older woman. I stayed where I was until I heard her chair creak. She put her hand on my shoulder, and I opened my eyes. I hated how familiar they were. The color wasn’t anything like mine, because as Dana pointed out, I’d gotten that directly from Russell. But the shape. The shape was mine.

“Sleep,” she said. Then she walked off with a few used dishes. I stood up to help, but I had to push myself out of the chair, and my feet were still sore.

“I can clean up,” I said anyway. Bucky didn’t translate for me. He took my hand in his.

“Get some rest,” he told me. “I’ll clean up.”

“I need to be with him. Just in case he wakes up.”

“Dana’s with him.”

“But I need to….”

“Baby,” he said softly, halting me in the middle of my sentence. I hadn’t expected that word to come out of him. And since everything he did was (usually) deliberate, I figured he did it just because he knew it would shut me up. “Please?”

I couldn’t get myself to look at him. I turned away and kept my eyes on the closed door on the other side of the kitchen. It was where I needed to be, but I was tired, and I knew I wouldn’t stay awake much longer. It was probably best to stay far from someone so vulnerable.

“I’m scared,” I admitted. Bucky squeezed my hand.

“I’ll be close by,” he assured me. I finally looked at him.

“That’s what I’m afraid of.” He took a deep breath.

“Are you worried I’ll hurt you or the other way around?” I almost rolled my eyes.

“What do you think?”

“Neither of us will hurt anyone. You’ll be safe. We all will.”

“What if I can’t control it? Not the—violence, but the Darkness?” He looked down at our clasped hands.

“You can’t avoid sleep forever. Even if I took you out into the middle of the woods—there’d still be enough people nearby. You’d probably fall asleep in the car. You can barely stand. Just put your trust in me.” I nodded and pulled my hand out of his. I couldn’t argue anymore. I was scared, but I might be more of a danger if I was delirious from sleep deprivation. At least I had to hope he’d be able to stop me if I lost control.

I had to pass the woman to get to the stairs. She was coming back to the table to collect the dishes Bucky was now piling into his arms.

“You never told me your name,” I said. She understood enough words to get what I meant. She put her hand over her heart.

“Babulia,” she said. I nodded slowly. I’d already gathered from Bucky’s reaction that it was a title and not a name. And given what Dana said before she left, I was pretty sure I knew what it meant. So I just nodded and said goodnight before heading up the stairs to hide.

When I was alone, the strength finally drained from me. My shoulders drooped, and my feet felt heavy as I dragged them to the chair by the window. I wanted to crawl into the bed and sleep for days. It had been so long since I’d slept in a real bed. But I knew what I’d see when I fell asleep. And I didn’t think I could do it alone. Even if it put him in danger.

When I’d fallen asleep on the chair before, it was only an accident. I’d been so uncomfortable that I hadn’t slept much anyway. My dreams were erratic enough to regain focus quickly when he woke me. Of course, I had gone right for his throat, but I shook out of it fast enough. And I hadn’t tried to kill him. It was a defensive instinct.

I was still in the chair when he returned to the room. He opened the door and spotted me curled up by the window. I no longer had his shirt to bury myself in. I wasn’t comfortable enough to sleep, but I didn’t want to move either.

“I got you some sweatpants,” he told me as he went for his backpack.

“Thanks.”

He handed them out, and I immediately stood to get dressed. The jeans had sunk so low on my hips that they were barely hanging on. At least the sweatpants had elastic around the waist so I could keep them up. He didn’t turn around this time. But he didn’t look.

“Are you okay?” he asked as he continued to dig through his backpack.

I shook my head and pulled them on. I realized if I stayed in the chair, he’d probably want to talk, and it was the last thing I wanted to do. Plus, I knew he wouldn’t sleep on the bed if I stayed on the chair. He’d probably just pace until finally convincing me to get into bed. I decided I didn’t want to deal with that either. I had to get to sleep sooner or later. And I’d rather face it head-on and hope he’d be there to stop me if I tried to hurt someone. It was easier than talking.

So I went to the bed, pulled back the blankets, and crawled in. I faced the wall with my back to him and curled into a ball. I gave him enough room to join me if he wanted to, but when he was done changing, he sat on the chair instead. I heard him sigh as he struggled to find words. He wasn’t used to dealing with other people’s emotions. I almost felt guilty that he thought he had to.

But I was glad he didn’t say anything. There was nothing he could say that would work. And he must have come to that conclusion, too, because he never did figure out what to say. I was just numb. But I’d rather be numb than drowning.