Status: In Progress

All We Need Is Daylight

Everything

Frank knows it’s not really a big deal, and that the other guys won’t notice, but he insists that he and Gerard get to the movie theater at different times. The two of them discreetly grab dinner at a Mexican restaurant which isn’t very good but it’s open and they’re both hungry. Frank is worried people will see them together and then he remembers that it’s a stupid thing to worry about. He and Gerard eat with each other all the time and he’s never worried about it before. It’s only because now Gerard is his boyfriend.

Boyfriend. What a word.

Frank arrives promptly at the ridgeway at 11:35. He’s already starting to feel tiredness in his bones which worries him because he’s going to have to make it through three horror films before he gets to sleep. He understands the ambiance of having a midnight horror movie marathon, the witching hour and all that jazz, but he’s already a tired boy to begin with. Also, his mom is coming tomorrow, and he doesn’t want to look sleep deprived in front of her, because he will get a lecture about it. If he weren’t at the movie theater there is a very good chance he’d stay awake all night with Gerard talking about god knows what anyway, but he’s going to complain either way.

Pete is sitting on a bench just past the ticket booth wearing a Santa hat of all things. Frank shakes his head, buys his ticket from the man behind his little glass box who looks like he’d really rather be asleep too, bless him. There are no other movies playing right now, and Frank suspects that playing old horror movies is a just a really clever way to make a few bucks when the screens aren’t being used anyway. He doesn’t mind, the ticket is cheap.

He walks through the glass doors to where Pete is sitting, looking at a flyer for the movies that are going to be shown tonight, one of which he hasn’t actually ever seen, A Clockwork Orange, despite knowing about it for years. The other two, Halloween and Hellraiser, classics which Frank has seen enough times to quote, but has nevertheless paid real human money to see again.

“Frank!” Pete exclaims, then jumps up when he spots him. Frank is the first to arrive, and he has to assume Pete’s been sitting on this bench for at least twenty minutes because he’s a bit overzealous and hasn’t quite learned yet that arriving early to something doesn’t make it start sooner.

“Pete, you’re wearing a Santa hat?”

“Christmas is just around the corner.”

“Thanksgiving is next week,” Frank says.

“Yeah, and you know what’s just around the corner from Thanksgiving?”

“Hanukkah.”

“Touché.”

“How long have you been sitting there by yourself?” Frank asks.

“Like five minutes. I really did try to convince Patrick to come, but he’s never come to one of these things and I should really give up on it, but I like him a lot and I want him to get spooked and like, I don’t know hide from the movie in my arms, you know?”

“Yeah,” Frank says, thinking about it. He wonders if Gerard will get spooked. It would greatly satisfy him. Though he wouldn’t be able to hide in Frank’s shoulder, because that’s kind of gay, but maybe Gerard could hold his hand in secret and it’ll be sweet.

“Where’s Gerard?”

“What?” Frank asks.

“Wasn’t Gerard with you?”

“Um, no,” he says, turning slightly pale. Does Pete know, how could he know? Pete’s an idiot, there’s no way he could deduce that one on his own.

“Oh. I don’t know I just sort of thought him and you were like kind of attached to each other at the hip or something.”

“We are not!” Frank is blushing. Maybe Pete will think it’s from the cold outside, but it’s not that cold outside.

“You know what, Frank,” Pete says, “I’m starting to think that you have a crush on him.” Pete’s got this face like he just cracked some big secret, and Frank realizes in that second, he is literally no threat whatsoever.

“Oh my god, Pete, you are so dumb,” Frank says, and that’s when Mikey joins the group.

“I agree. What are we talking about?”

“Pete being dumb is really the only important part of that conversation,” Frank says.

“Sounds fair. I know I feel like a genius whenever he opens his mouth. But anyway, who’s ready to watch people be beheaded and shit?”

“There’s nothing else in the world I’d rather do to pass the time then watch people get beheaded and shit,” Pete says, putting his hand on Mikey’s shoulder and the soul behind his words makes Frank really believe he means it.

“Ray wanted to buy candy, but he’s coming,” Mikey says, gesturing to Ray who’s in line with two boxes of sour patch kids in his hands, because the man knows what he wants.

“Oh candy, that’s a good idea. I like candy.”

“Really Pete?” Frank says, the sarcasm almost explosive, because Pete has the personality of a sugar high.

“I need sugar to give me energy to make it through the night. How many movies do you think you’re gonna make it through?”

“You mean I don’t need to stay for all three of them?” Mikey asks.

“I’ve only ever made it through all three like twice,” Pete says, which doesn’t sound like a lot to Frank especially since Pete’s probably done this several dozen times, because the theater does this once a month. Then again it’s not going to be over until the ass crack of dawn so he doubts many people make it through the whole thing.

“Thank god, because I’ll probably pass out by movie two.”

“Same,” Frank nods.

Ray then waddles over with his sour patch kids and a fountain drink that would be the size of his head if he didn’t have so much hair.

“No one in this world needs that much liquid in their system,” Frank says.

“I’m a growing boy, I need sustenance,” Ray replies.

“There’s nothing in there but sugar and calories!”

“Both of which are important for a growing boys nutrition.”

Frank decides he’s not going to counter Ray, because he’s not going to win. Part of the tradition of attending a movie is to eat all the unhealthy food that your can get into your mouth for two hours, or in this case, six hours.

Mikey asks Ray for some Sour Patch Kids, to which he responds very negatively because they are his Sour patch Kids and he doesn’t want to share them with anyone. He then proceeds to put one in his mouth, makes that extremely sour pain face that Frank can just tell is satisfying as hell, and then smiles evilly at Mikey.

Frank had kind of forgotten what it was like to have a normal conversation about school and all these mundane things, so he smiles a little when Pete starts rambling. “So, guys, as it turns out, I did not totally bomb that political psychology test, because it was multiple choice!”

“I think I’d rather chop my foot off than take a political psychology class,” Frank says.

“Oh, don’t worry I want to chop my own foot off constantly.”

They all then share how much they hate their classes, and their lives, and everything else that there is to be hated. They’re all excited for Thanksgiving break, even though they only get five days off, it still means the world to them, because any time away from here is a welcome reprieve. Frank wonders if he’ll be able to spend any time with Gerard. Pretty Gerard.

“Hey Frank, how come I haven’t seen you in our room in like… days?” Ray asks, which is a question he’s been dreading but nevertheless expecting. He’s thought about it and gone over different excuses in his head; everything from being in a psychiatric ward to camping in the wilderness.

“I was just staying with someone,” is what he settles on which, isn’t much of a reach, because its vague enough to mean anything.

“Who?”

“Just a friend. You wouldn’t know them.”

“Oh, I get it,” Ray says. “it’s a girl. You’ve got a goddamn girlfriend and didn’t tell me about it.”

“You’ve got a girlfriend?” Pete asks, with a look of complete confusion on his face, because the last he checked Frank was very much not into girls. Then he remembers that all he needs to do in this equation is convert girlfriend to boyfriend, and then he nods, because he’s a smart cookie.

“It’s not really like that,” Frank says, because he doesn’t want them thinking he’s in anyway attached to anyone. They’ll expect to meet a girlfriend at some point and he can’t have that. But at the same time, he can’t be away from Gerard when he makes him feel so safe. He’s still broken inside, but he feels like he’s got a few band aids keeping him from totally cracking apart when Gerard is there. Maybe he should spend a few days in the dorm so that Ray doesn’t get suspicious. But Gerard’s bed is so comfy. He got to wake up next to Gerard, and even when Gerard let him sleep in his bed while Gerard himself took the couch, at least he was surrounded by Gerard. Gerard’s mess, Gerard’s decorations, and Gerard’s smell, which thankfully smells more like the Gerard who showers than the Gerard that doesn’t.

Frank smiles a little to himself just thinking about him. All the time that he tortured himself with how much he wanted him, and he has him and he’s still giddy from it.

Ray takes this as a sign, which Frank curses himself for prompting. “Look at his fucking face, he’s got a girlfriend.”

“You’ve got a girlfriend, Frank?” says a new voice from behind them, and Frank turns to see him, the angelic face itself. He doesn’t know how Gerard managed to sneak up behind him, with Travie right beside him. Wow, what a face. He missed that face. He’s so pretty. His goddamn eyes. Those fucking tiny little teeth.

“I, oh my god, I don’t want to talk about anything. It’s very personal right now.”

“Is it serious? Are you two in wuv?” Pete asks, and he will absolutely be asking Frank who it is later on. Who could it actually be? Travie? Mikey? Gerard? Someone he doesn’t even know? So many options. Maybe he doesn’t actually have a crush on Gerard, he’s just using Gerard as an excuse. Or maybe he’s in love with Gerard.

“It’s… it’s not not serious. But that’s all I’ll say on the matter.” Frank hates not admitting that he’s absolutely in love, but he and Gerard had discussed this, and they had both agreed on what they’d say if anyone asked them. Gerard knows he loves him, and that matters a lot when he has to say that he doesn’t.

“He’s in love, you can see it in his eyes,” Travie says.

“Yeah, he’s in love,” Mikey says, feeling very angry with Frank for the fact that he’s not dating Gerard. Gerard is in love with him, even though Frank doesn’t know that he’s angry that Frank would have the audacity to fall in love with some stupid girl who’s not his brother. Gerard would worship him, and Frank would be blessed because his brother is the best person ever aside from Mikey himself.

“I’m walking away,” Frank says, because he’s not dealing with this right now. He walks over to the guy stood by the ropes that separate the lobby from the theater. Frank hands him his ticket and the man tells him where the theater is, which Frank could have figured out for himself because it’s the only theater which has its bright red sign on indicating the movies it’s showing, and it’s also directly behind the man in question which is another big old clue. Nevertheless, Frank thanks him and walks to it, not checking to see who’s following behind him, but he hears the usher giving directions again, so he knows that the rest of his party is quick to follow.

Since Frank is the first person to enter the theater he gets to pick where they’re going to sit. There’s a handful of people already in the theater. A group of two in the very last row, some teenagers who are definitively high school age nearer to the front. Frank goes for seats four rows from the very back and proceeds to take the one in exactly the middle, because it is the best seat in the theater and he will fight you for saying otherwise.

Gerard unsurprisingly takes the seat next to him on his right, and Pete sneaks himself to the seat on the other side of him. Frank doesn’t take note of where the other three sit. He cares where Gerard sits, by his side, which is where Frank forever hopes he sits. It’s always a bummer when he has to sit opposite him at a table, although they can’t share a booth when they go to dinner, because that’s something couples do and they are definitely not a couple. At least outside of Gerard’s apartment they’re not. Someday maybe they’ll be a couple. In many years when Frank’s been a professional hockey player for several years and he can’t hide from the media that he’s marrying a guy. Because right now he fully intends on marrying Gerard, and to think otherwise makes him feel vacant.

While the rest of the others start up conversations, Gerard leans over to whisper in his ear, “hey just in case you forgot, I love you.” Frank had not forgotten but to hear it means a lot. It might be weird to have been dating him for only a day and already have said I love you, but they both know that these last few months have proved to them that they’ve been practically dating to begin with, it’s just that neither of them knew it.

“I love you too,” Frank whispers.

“What are we whispering about,” Pete interrupts.

“I was asking if he knew what movie was first,” Gerard says. Clever motherfucker.

“It’s Hellraiser,” Pete says, looking proud of himself for knowing something. Pete is so special, he’s so smart, he honestly is, he’s on the fucking honor roll, but why oh why can that not translate to real life. The world wouldn’t be prepared for intellectual Pete.

“Oh, awesome, I love that one,” Frank says.

“What’s your favorite?” Pete asks. “Like of all time?”

“Carrie,” Frank says, like it’s the stupidest question he’s ever been posed. There’s something so satisfying about Carrie just mass murdering everyone that he really loves. And anything by Stephen King makes him happy. The only author he actually manages to read every book of is Stephen King.

“Mine is The Exorcist, because it almost made me piss my pants when I first saw it,” Gerard says.

“Oh my gosh, that’s my second favorite,” Frank says, and though Pete doesn’t notice it, the two of them definitely have a moment. It never occurred to him to ask what his favorite was, he just knew Gerard loved horror movies. God, he wants to kiss him.

Pete exclaims that his favorite is Friday the 13th which is, to be fair, a good alternative.

“We still have to have our own horror movie marathon with those DVD’s I bought you,” Gerard says, and Frank nods. Frank bites his lip. That’s when he’d get the opportunity to be ‘scared’ by the movie and hide in Gerard’s chest, or curl up on his lap, or forget the movie is playing and kiss him for twenty minutes until he’s pulled away by someone screaming.

“Am I invited?” Pete asks.

“Um…” Frank starts, not knowing how to tell Pete that he is absolutely not invited.

“I got those movies for me and Frank to watch them, but we can have a movie marathon of something else sometime maybe,” Gerard says, and he says it very courteously, which Frank may not have been able to do. “Like Disney movies, because I know you love those.”

“I do need to rewatch Tangled. Wow, and Big Hero 6, I love the music in that one.”

“It’s a deal, maybe before Christmas break or something,” Gerard says.

The three of them keep chatting, the others chipping in at some point until it becomes a group conversation. More people start to trickle into the theater, mainly guys, a lot of whom with some very unflattering facial hair. That makes Frank think about Gerard’s facial hair, which Frank used to hate, but now he thinks it’s cute. Gerard’s got his ever-present neckbeard, which Frank thinks he does actively try to get rid of, but it’s taken up residence and refuses to be evicted. He’s so pretty. So disheveled looking at all times, and soft and Frank just wants to be held by him.

At some point Mikey bumps Gerard’s elbow, and whispers, “you are acting differently.”

“No, I’m not,” Gerard responds, just as quietly. Not even Frank can hear, because he’s talking to Pete in depth about how great his mom is.

“I know you better than anyone has ever known another person, Gerard,” Mikey replies, which is true. “Your happier than you normally are.”

Gerard scrambles for an excuse as to why that is when he decides Mikey isn’t going to be fooled, “Okay fine. Frank told me he’s going to be coming back to hockey soon. But like, keep it a secret for now so that we don’t scare him off.”

Mikey nods, believing the story, at least for now. He doesn’t smile outwardly, but he is happy. The team desperately needs Frank. Mikey has been slowly remembering that he’s not very good at hockey, which is a harder fact to detect when Frank is there. Frank is an inspiration to do better, because he’s clearly better than everyone else, and clearly wants to have a great team. In two years when Pete graduates, Frank is going to make a really good team captain.

“How’d you convince him?”

“It wasn’t too hard. He wanted to come back just as much as we want him to. Just had to push a little.” Mikey is fine with this explanation. It does explain why Gerard would be happier. Gerard still clearly hasn’t gotten over his crush, but Mikey hopes he will soon, especially since it does sound like Frank has a new girlfriend. This was inevitable, and Mikey knew it. Some part of him hopes that maybe he was picking up on some flirtatious vibes between the two, but that’s kind of just who Frank is. He’s very polite. He’s also very sarcastic, but he is, at his root, someone who likes to make other people happy. He made Gerard a little too happy.

Gerard very discreetly maneuvers his hand under the arm rest beside him and finds Frank’s hand. Frank turns ever so subtly to look at Gerard, trying not to make it obvious. Frank finds his coat and throws it over their hands, just in case any of the guys might notice, which they probably won’t. It’s an uncomfortable angle, in all honesty, but Frank is okay with it, because Gerard starts tracing circles between his thumb and pointer finger.

Eventually, the movie theater becomes about a third full, which doesn’t seem like a bad turn out considering how late it is. The screen lights up just after Frank notices this, and there’s actually no trailers before the opening sequence of the first movie, Hellraiser. Frank attests this to the fact that they’re playing decades old movies, but it is rather startling to have a perfectly dark theater one second and then a movie playing the next moment.

Frank is engrossed. It’s been a few years. He still mouths along to some of the lines of dialogue. God, he forgot how much he loved horror. These last few weeks have been so miserable, he’s forgotten what it’s like to be somewhere else entirely. Not in reality, not in his thoughts, but in the world of a movie. Here, with his best friends, with his boyfriend. His stomach curls up, and not because people are being murdered and having their blood drunk on screen.

The movie is shorter than Frank remembers, or maybe he just forgot how time works. The house lights come on at the end, and a timer starts on screen, showing the 15-minute intermission before the next movie, A Clockwork Orange.

Frank announces that he’s going to use the restroom and low-key hopes Gerard will follow him. Maybe just to talk. Maybe to tell him he’s pretty. Whatever happens in the moment. Gerard says he’s coming with. It is unclear whether Gerard knows Frank wants to be alone with him. Unfortunately, Ray, who did after all buy the drink that’s almost too large for his cupholder, decides to come with. They let Ray out first, having to shuffle through the legs of some strangers as they get out of the row of seats. Frank’s hand is sweating from holding Gerard’s hand, which he held for almost the entire length of the movie.

Once outside of the theater, Gerard heads towards the snacks, where he bounces on the balls of his feet at the prospect of getting one of those chocolate covered ice cream things. Frank can’t even think of words. Fucking hell.

“I never want to leave you ever, but I have to pee,” Frank says.

“I’d really prefer you did that in a bathroom.”

“That’s fair,” Frank nods. He heads off towards the bathroom, not too long after Ray. Upon returning, he finds that Gerard is in possession of his chocolate covered ice cream things and this pleases him. Frank looks at him in a way that no one has ever looked at Gerard before, and it makes him feel very nice instead. He holds the little carton out to Frank. Frank does not turn down the chocolate covered ice cream things.

Frank doesn’t see Ray anywhere, so he assumes he’s already gone back in. The lobby is mostly empty, save for a few people lagging behind. Frank is content to stay here and just look at Gerard in the light which is what he deserves, but then his friends will wonder where he went and why Gerard went missing at the same time.

“I wish I could kiss you right now.”

“Are you coming back to my apartment with me?” Gerard asks. In any other situation, it might sound like a sexual thing, but they both know it most definitely is not. Frank has an incredibly long amount of time ahead of him before that’s gonna be a thing.

“It’s a Saturday night. My mom is coming to your apartment tomorrow anyway. Might as well,” Frank says, which is a roundabout way of saying absolutely.

“Then you can kiss me there. Unless I kiss you first,” Gerard says, which makes Frank roll his eyes. The two of them eat over half of the ice cream before they decide to go back into the theater. Gerard is so pretty. Frank doesn’t look at his butt when they walk in, that would be totally inappropriate. But if he had looked it would have been a great butt.

The two of them walk back into the row as the timer on the screen hits two minutes exactly. Pete’s face lights up when he sees what Gerard’s holding, but he just shakes his head, and shows Pete that it’s almost empty. Frank has one more chocolate covered ice cream thing before Gerard eats the last. Sharing food with his boyfriend. How fucking adorable.

He’s been waiting for a relationship for a really long time. Ever since he figured out why he didn’t have a crush on Janae in the fourth grade when every other boy in his class did. Gerard is the only person he can ever imagine. Maybe it’s because Gerard’s the first person to look twice at him. It’s probably just because Gerard is the sweetest, and most enjoyable person to be around in the whole world. If Frank had chosen to stay at Boston, he never would have met Gerard. A lot of things wouldn’t have happened if he had chosen to stay at Boston…

Frank’s thoughts are mercifully interrupted by light hitting the screen. He’s never seen A Clockwork Orange. If he had been smarter than he was in junior year he would have read the book for AP English, but he wasn’t that smart. If they had had AP hitting things with a stick while wearing knife shoes he’d have done fucking great. Or AP band trivia. He was in a college credit Psychology course though so clearly, he was doing something okayish.

Under the seat of the chair, he finds Gerard’s hand again. What would it be like to hold Gerard’s hand while walking down the street? What would it be like to hold his hand if Gerard had a ring on his finger. Will he ever get to feel that?

College is such a horrible time because you realize you have no idea what you’re doing. What are you going to do with the next fifty years of your life? You better find someone to love because meeting people outside of college is hard. Who are you going to be? Better make all those decisions at eighteen years old. Have fun, here’s a goodie bag for showing up, it’s twelve university magnets and fucking key chain.

Frank totally tunes out of the first five minutes. He thinks he’ll be able to catch up.

Gerard smells nice today. He didn’t shower though. Maybe he’s just getting used to what Gerard smells like, because the boy doesn’t own cologne. He owns fabric softener and a Glade wall plugin. His sheets always smell distinctly like Snuggle which is fair because their mascot is a teddy bear and so is Gerard. God, Frank loves him. How many times will that thought run through his head?

Frank tries to pay attention to the movie. He drifts from time to time. What did Gerard do for his birthday parties when he was a kid? What’s his stance on pineapple on pizza? Does he read magazines? How long has he gone without cutting his hair?

Frank didn’t read the book. So, he doesn’t see it coming.

He’s okay with movies where peoples guts are flooding out, where their chopped to pieces with any weapon accessible. That barely even phases him anymore. He’s fine with jump scares, with creepy music, with all of that. So, what? It’s fake, no one died, it’s gross and that’s the point.

What he doesn’t plan or expect is barely even ten minutes in when he realizes this isn’t one of those movies. A bunch of men enter a house. Okay. They’re just going to beat up the residents. Okay. But it’s worse. Frank’s entire throat closes when the woman’s clothes are cut to pieces using scissors. The man pulls his pants down. It’s going to happen. This isn’t what horror movies do. This isn’t right. This is too much. This is too familiar.

That’s exactly when he hurriedly stands up, without any warning that he was going to do so. He practically sprints out through several pairs of legs, in a way which other people will probably think is rude, but he doesn’t give a shit. His mind is trying to completely tune out the screen, but he hears the woman scream. He had screamed too, into the sock Morgan had shoved in his mouth. Will anyone hear her? No one heard him.

He doesn’t know it because he doesn’t turn back to look, but Gerard is right on his tail. Gerard wishes he’d seen it coming, but he never read the book either. He’s been to plenty of these things with Pete over the years, but he can’t recall anything as graphic as this, and he curses himself for letting this happen. This is his boyfriend. Things like this shouldn’t be allowed to happen when Gerard is with him.

Frank feels his breathing growing heavier, staggered, and then it all but stops. How do you breathe? Why isn’t it coming? Breathing is supposed to be something your body just does, how has he forgotten how to do it? What is there to do?

Frank pulls open the exit and makes his way into the lobby, feeling ready to collapse to the floor any second now. He thinks he just might, he might fall to the floor, and the few employees there would see him do it, would see him start balling on the ground and they’d have no idea what was wrong, and it would be awkward for them, and Frank would regret it tomorrow.

That doesn’t happen though because Gerard is there. He’s behind Frank and he’s too terrified to touch Frank because right now he can tell Frank is reliving it, and he doesn’t want to make that worse. He will never forget that feeling in the arena when he touched Frank’s shoulder and it terrified him. He won’t ever let that happen again.

“Frank, handicap bathroom, come on,” Gerard says, ushering Frank down the hall, out of sight from the employees until they find the only private space there is in the entire building. Gerard holds the door for him as Frank enters the white, heavily tiled room. The tears are only beginning to form in his eyes, which must have been incredibly difficult to hold back. Gerard double checks that no one can see them. He doesn’t see anyone, so he walks in behind Frank, and locks the door.

Frank has already found a spot on the floor before Gerard turns around to look at him.

“Do you want me to hold you, or…?” he asks, but Frank shakes his head. He’s in no way offended, because he wouldn’t have asked if he hadn’t expected a negative. Luckily, it’s a spacious bathroom, so Gerard finds a spot far enough away that they don’t touch, but close enough that Frank could reach out to him if he needs to.

Frank cries softly, hyperventilating with breaths coming in short and without any hint of oxygen coming through.

“Frank, it’s okay. Just cry.” Frank nods at his words, and he starts crying into his knees desperately, a heart-wrenching sound that pierces through Gerard. No. You should never be sad. You should never feel hurt. You should feel safe.

“You’re safe with me, Frank. I won’t ever let anyone hurt you. You mean so much to me.” Gerard feels himself tearing up a little bit, and he quickly brushes them away, because he doesn’t want to be sad right now with Frank like this. This is Frank’s time to be sad. This is Frank’s time. He knows it’s stupid, Frank being sad doesn’t mean he can’t be. But Gerard doesn’t want it to be about him in anyway.

“I’m so sorry that happened. I didn’t know… that movie was just disgusting.” Looking at Frank in pain is hard, because Gerard wants to take it all away. He wants to rip the sadness out of him and beat it with a stick. He’s been through the worst thing anyone should ever have to bear, and there’s nothing he can do about it. It’s always going to be there. He would do anything to take the time back. Even if it meant Frank and Gerard never realized they were in love with each other. If it means Frank was happier, wasn’t hurt, he’d do it. Because he’d stop the world for Frank.

The only thing Gerard can really be is a distraction, or something to hold. Frank doesn’t want to be held now, though, which is fair, but Gerard wishes he could still have Frank in his arms so that he knows he’s safe.

“In fifth grade, everyone in my class had to write a paragraph about the most important person in our life. Or like our hero, I think it was. And I didn’t know who to write mine about, because the teacher said it had to be someone we knew personally, and I had wanted to write mine on Alan Moore. So like, Mikey was like in kindergarten or first grade, I don’t remember, and I decided I’d write my piece on him, because he was my little bro, and I loved him. But, uh, one of the things I wrote about him was that I admired his ability to get everything his way by just screaming at the top of his lungs and crying. And anyway, I guess my teacher submitted our stuff to the newspapers and mine was chosen, because I just remember like, it was in the newspaper, you remember when there were physical newspapers, and like I could hold the story where I called my brother a brat in print, and my mom put it in a frame and she hung it up on our wall, and we still live in the same house, so it’s still there.”

Frank laughs a very small amount before he keeps crying. Gerard hadn’t expected a cure, but the tiny laugh is merciful to his ears. At least he did something. Distract. That’s the only thing you can do when you know you can’t take the pain away.

“Uh, so when I was like four, Mikey wasn’t quite born yet, mom was pregnant with him, we went to this circus, and apparently my favorite animal was elephants, but I didn’t know how to say elephant because I was four. So, like, there were some elephants at the circus, I hadn’t seen Dumbo yet, so this didn’t emotionally scar me, and anyway I saw an elephant and apparently I started jumping up and down, like really fucking excited screaming, ‘an ediphent! An ediphent!’ And like to this day, my mom told me that was the cutest thing I ever did.”

Frank laughs a little louder this time, through sobbing, and Gerard pauses for a moment while he thinks of something else to say. Frank also pauses to breathe a little, which is a relief, because Gerard couldn’t tell if he actually was breathing. He takes his head out of his hands to look at Gerard for a moment. There’s a quick smile, which flashes back into pain and then his tears begin again. But before they get too desperate, Frank scoots over the few feet between the two of them and buries himself into Gerard’s chest. He wraps both of his arms around Gerard’s shoulders, pulling him from the wall a little bit, and Gerard wraps his arms around Frank likewise.

“It’s so hard,” Frank stutters out. Gerard nods, and begins combing his hands through his hair, because he knows that would be calming if someone did that to him.

“I know.” But he doesn’t really know. “I know you’ve been through so much. But you’re still here, Frank.”

“I just feel like dying.”

“Don’t say that,” Gerard says, and he has to manage his tone, because ordinarily those words would make him snap. “You don’t want that, Frank.”

“Okay, maybe not death,” Frank stops, cries, against his chest for a few seconds, “but I just wish everything bad could just stop. Just not be real.”

“Life is fucking awful like that, isn’t it?” Gerard is not about to say that ‘life isn’t fair’ bullshit, because it would be a disrespect to Frank to say that. So what if life isn’t fair, what happened here is more than not okay.

“Life sucks.”

“It’s not all bad, though. I have you,” Gerard says, and it’s so cliché but cliché doesn’t make it less real. He kisses the top of Frank’s head and holds himself there for a moment. He hears Frank breathe in deeply for the first time, and it makes him breathe too. You always forget how hard it is to breathe when you’re crying, but it’s stupidly difficult. Like you have to take in oxygen to ball as hard as you can, but you don’t really breathe it. And your nose gets all stuffed up, but there’s never any tissues when you’re having a breakdown.

Frank is getting calmer. He certainly hasn’t stopped crying, but the sobs sound less like they’re being ripped from him violently. So, Gerard is helping, maybe. It’s hard to say. He wants for him to be helping Frank, but he’s not going to be giving himself any pats on the back. His crying has turned to fainter sounds, almost inaudible if he weren’t directly crying on Gerard.

“Thank you for… I don’t know, for being you,” Frank says. Gerard feels his eyes swell, at least one drop rolling down his face which he can’t help. Frank wants him here. He genuinely wants Gerard to be here with him. Even if he can’t take the pain away from Frank, he makes him happy. He makes him feel better. Gerard holds Frank a little bit tighter, lets his head fall against Frank’s, feeling his hair against his cheek.

All Gerard can think of is what it’s like to hold him. What it’ll be like when they’re fifty and watching Fast and the Furious 26 and eating the eggplant parmesan Frank keeps insisting he knows how to make. But right now, Frank trusts him, more than he trusts almost anybody in the world, and after what he’s been through that means a lot. Frank, his own person who loves him who isn’t obligated by blood to love him. God, he just hopes he’s able to take Frank everywhere, to be by his side. Through all of it. Everything.
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