A Book I'm Going to Write
Stoned
it honestly feels fine right now.
I can get in this zone at times where I see the inner core of a human person.
Me for instance-
I do these things and act a certain way because its an act and its what my inner is telling me to do in order to be cool. It's really interesting and makes me think of scotts basement when Cam and I were on different couches by across from each other and the little movements and things we did that were all based off little subconscious humanan reaction decisions in our brain.
Triggered.
I miss him so fucking much. I just keep picturing myself in that basement.
I keep picturing him in that basement too. The way he walked around. I imagine him walking around like that every saturday.
The girls reacting to him like that every saturday.
Goddamn.
But I feel fine right now in this moment.
Because I feel like it'd inevitable and its going to happen again and right now that makes me hopeful and happy not upset and sad. When I really think about it on a normal day I feel incredibly upset. Its like a never ending cycle.
Its like a downward spiral.
Its like a descent into a dark staircase.
Because the pain will never stop that way and it will never beocme real and my heart will never heal and I will just keep thinking that its something its not and that it'll become something its not.
But right now its just ok.
I can get in this zone at times where I see the inner core of a human person.
Me for instance-
I do these things and act a certain way because its an act and its what my inner is telling me to do in order to be cool. It's really interesting and makes me think of scotts basement when Cam and I were on different couches by across from each other and the little movements and things we did that were all based off little subconscious humanan reaction decisions in our brain.
Triggered.
I miss him so fucking much. I just keep picturing myself in that basement.
I keep picturing him in that basement too. The way he walked around. I imagine him walking around like that every saturday.
The girls reacting to him like that every saturday.
Goddamn.
But I feel fine right now in this moment.
Because I feel like it'd inevitable and its going to happen again and right now that makes me hopeful and happy not upset and sad. When I really think about it on a normal day I feel incredibly upset. Its like a never ending cycle.
Its like a downward spiral.
Its like a descent into a dark staircase.
Because the pain will never stop that way and it will never beocme real and my heart will never heal and I will just keep thinking that its something its not and that it'll become something its not.
But right now its just ok.