To Jimmy

Hey Jimbo.

I know it's been a really long time since I've written to you. To be completely honest with you, I think I stopped because of how weird people in my day to day life thought it was. I know that's shitty to you and you've probably missed hearing about my ridiculous bullshit, but I just got really self-conscious about it. I know people thought it was weird. I know people would probably still think it's weird now, all these years later. We're coming up on seven years. Can you believe that? Seven fucking years, Jim. You've been away from this Earth for seven years. It's been seven years since my heart was ripped from my chest in so many more ways than one.

I never met you in person, that much is true. Maybe it's weird that I always felt such a connection to you. Maybe I'm a little bit insane. Maybe it's just because of who you were; so loving, so caring, so open. You were the first real hero I ever had. I wanted to be you. I wanted to be your best friend. I wanted to know you. I tried so hard to achieve that through the internet and as many other ways as possible. I watched every video I could find of you. I listened to Avenged's music all day every day (admittedly I still do that sometimes). I did everything I could to make myself feel close to you and the other guys. No one understands the connection I feel with that band even to this day, even when I stray away and get distracted by other things. It always comes back to Avenged.

When you left, it so completely broke me. Looking back on it now, I realize that that's not the only thing that broke me. So many things in my life were so bad and so raw that when you left, it just ripped open every single wound I'd been working so hard to super-glue shut. I realize now that the devastation and loss that I felt wasn't only for you. A lot of it was, to be sure. But a lot of it was also for so many other things. My entire life was crumbling around me and then on top of it, my favorite person in the world suddenly wasn't a person anymore. Suddenly, I'd never have a new video of you being silly or drumming like a maniac to watch when things were shitty. Suddenly Avenged, this thing that was one of the only things really cementing my life together, would be forever changed.

You broke my heart, Jimmy. You broke my fucking heart. You were my first real heartbreak. I know it wasn't your fault. I know you didn't do it on purpose. You didn't even have the vaguest idea who I was. You probably never would have. I loved you, and then you had to leave. It was time, and I'd like to think that in some ways you were ready. Maybe you were too beautiful to be here for too long. Maybe you were too fragile. Maybe you were too good. I don't know. All I know is I fucking miss you, Jim. Even after all this fucking time, I miss you.

I still have days where I can't believe you just don't exist anymore. I look at my tattoo that I finally got for you a few years ago and sometimes it doesn't register with me, but other times it does. Sometimes I look down at my arm and I remember. I remember that there are current Avenged fans that never even got to know how fantastic you were firsthand. I remember that you never got to have kids even though you would have been the best father. I remember that the song 'Fiction' was your last message to the world, whether you meant for it to be or not, and I remember how absolutely heartbreaking that fact is. I remember that my heart still aches for you and your brothers in Avenged when I really think about it too hard.

I miss you. I miss you so much and my greatest hope is that you're somewhere fantastic with loads of beer and women and stallion ducks and all the drums and sticks you could ever ask for. I hope you're somewhere beautiful. I hope you're somewhere happy. I love you, Jimmy. Thanks for listening.