Burn It Down

The decision wasn't hard for me after that. I was going to sign myself out. I didn't even totally know why, but suddenly finding and helping Zack was the only thing that was important to me. I didn't care what leaving would do to me. I realized that helping him was much more important than any of the issues I did or didn't have. This was a guy I really cared about; a guy who made me feel better about all the shitty things in my life and he was somewhere hurting alone and maybe I could help him. That was all I could think about. I had to try.

The first thing I did was call Brian and see if he'd come pick me up. He agreed hesitantly; asking multiple times if I was sure, and then thanking me in a voice that sounded tear-choked when I insisted that I was sure.

He agreed to come pick me up so I went to my room and packed all my things, looking around to make sure I hadn't left anything. It felt so weird leaving already. I hadn't been there that long really, but I also felt like I was a completely different person than I had been when I'd gotten there. Whether that was because of Zack or because of the therapy, I wasn't sure.

I signed myself out in the main office a while later, all of the nurses looking at me with looks that were either disgusted or completely disinterested. I could tell they thought I was making the wrong decision, but I didn't care.

Brian pulled up to the front entrance right as I walked outside. I slid into his sleek black car and he instantly started driving. I could tell he was nervous.

"What should we do first?" I asked him, and when I looked over at him, he was chewing on his thumb nail.

"I'm not sure. I know he won't tell any of us where he is. None of us have even talked to him for more than a second. The only direct contact we've had with him is when he called me for less than a minute the other day," he told me, and I nodded.

"Have you considered involving the police?" I asked, and he shook his head quickly.

"No. We can find him on our own," he told me, and I nodded again.

"Okay. Should I try calling him?" I asked, and he shrugged.

"Maybe."

"Okay," I said, picking his phone up out of the center console of the car and searching through his contacts for Zack's name. Finding it, I clicked it and put the phone to my ear to listen to it ring.

He let it go for a long time before picking up and for a while I wasn't sure if he was going to. Finally, his small voice came through the other end.

"Bri, stop calling me."

"Z? It's Emma," I said frantically, and I could see Brian's head whip over to look at me.

"Emma?" Zack's voice came through the phone, and he sounded so small and broken that it made tears rise to my eyes. 

"Where are you, Z?" I asked, and he was silent for a while.

"How... how are you calling me with Brian's phone?" he asked, deflecting the question expertly.

"Never mind. Where are you?"

"You don't want to find me. I'll only hurt you."

"I don't care. Please tell me where you are," I said, and he was silent for a while again. So long this time that I was almost sure he wasn't there anymore. Then I heard quiet sobbing.

"Did you leave the ward for me?" he asked through his tears, and the sound of his voice pushed me over the edge and I started crying too.

"Not really. I left the ward because I wanted to help you. Because right now it's more important to me that you're okay. I'm okay, Zack, really. I just need you to be," I told him, not sure if my words were even making any sense. "Please tell me where you are."

He was silent for a while again other than his small sobs. Finally, his voice came through with an address and a room number. He was apparently at some crappy motel downtown. I scrawled it onto my hand in a pen Brian tossed to me.

"Brian and I are coming, okay? Stay right where you are," I told him, and he agreed eventually. I hung up reluctantly and punched the address into Brian's GPS system.

"Goddamn girl you are some kinda magic, aren't you?" Brian asked a moment later, and I couldn't help but smile a little bit. I couldn't believe how accomplished and so ridiculously relieved I felt. "Thank you," he told me, grabbing one of my hands and squeezing it tightly. "Thank you for being there for him."

"He's worth it," I told him, and he smiled at me slightly.

"I know," he told me, letting go of my hand and patting my shoulder lightly.