Burn It Down

I didn't formally meet him until a week later. I was in my first group therapy session and he walked in silently, keeping his head down. He sat in a chair directly across the circle from me and I couldn't stop staring at him. He seemed nervous or something; he kept picking the skin at the corners of his fingernails.

The session started a few minutes later and we were told that we were all new to the ward, so the first thing we were going to do was go around the circle and introduce ourselves and tell each other why we were there.

I didn't pay much attention to the first three people; to be totally honest, I didn't really care about their stories. Maybe that's wrong of me, but it's how I felt at the time. The only story I cared about was his. Finally, it was his turn. He looked up for the first time since he'd walked in, his eyes hovering somewhere near the counselor holding the session. He was obviously hesitant.

"Go on, it's okay," the counselor encouraged him, shooting him a smile. He did some version of a smirk back and I could see him swallow hard before opening his mouth.

"My name is Zack, I'm 28, and I'm here mostly because my best friend died a few months ago and I apparently have no idea how to handle it," he said quietly, his eyes still staring straight at his shoes.

The counselor made some comment to him that I wasn't paying enough attention to pick up and then the circle continued. I definitely couldn't take my mind off of him after he introduced himself to the group. No wonder he looked so completely sad all the time. No wonder he seemed nervous and like he had no idea what to do with himself. My heart ached for him.

I finally snapped out of my reverie just as the person before me finished speaking. The counselor looked at me and nodded slightly and I took a deep breath.

"I'm Emma. I'm 26. I didn't try to kill myself," I said quietly, looking at the counselor.

"You didn't?" she asked, her voice steady and kind.

"No."

"Then why are you here, Emma?" she asked, and I knew I was being a little bit of a dick.

"Because I didn't have anything better to do, I guess," I told her, and I felt all the other eyes in the circle land on me.

The counselor didn't say anything else even though she looked like she really wanted to. The last few people in the circle introduced themselves and then we were taught the basics of the group sessions. I couldn't concentrate on a word that was being said, though.

When I'd looked up after introducing myself, the most beautiful eyes I'd ever seen were staring into my soul. It was the first time he'd landed on anything since he'd been in the room. He stared me down the rest of the session, his expression unreadable. I was nervous under his gaze and did my best not to look at him, but I could feel him staring.

The session ended and everyone filed out gradually. I stayed in my seat, wondering nervously if he was going to talk to me. Eventually, the room was completely empty other than the two of us. He was still looking at me, and I was still doing everything I could not to look at him.

"You know, some of us are here to really get help," he said after a minute, his voice quiet but severe. His words surprised me; I'm not sure what I'd been expecting him to say, but that wasn't it at all. My eyes shot up to his and he held them there with his gaze.

"I... what?" I stammered, not able to get anything else out.

"You're obviously not taking this whole thing seriously," he said, still looking at me like he was deciding whether to kill me or kiss me.

"I... am, though. I was just kidding before," I said, and he seemed to soften just a tiny bit.

"It wasn't funny."

"I'm sorry?" I said, not totally sure why I was apologizing to him at all.

"No you're not, but whatever," he said, getting up and starting to walk out of the room.

"Why do you care so much?" I called after him, and he stopped walking and turned back to me.

"I don't care," he said coolly, turning and walking out of the room, shutting the door behind him. I sat there for a long time after he left, wondering what the hell had just happened.