Burn It Down

The only thing I could really think of was to try and get ahold of his friends. There was a computer in the rec room that we could use, and as I signed into it it dawned on me that I really had no idea how to contact them. I googled their names knowing it probably wasn't going to bring up anything useful. I'd been scouring for a while when my name was called over the intercom yet again, this time calling me to the visiting room. Confused, I made my way there.

As I walked in, I saw just the people I'd just been searching for. Brian, Johnny, and Matt were sitting around a table, watching me as I walked in. I sat with them and they all stared at me for a moment.

"Do you know where he is?" Brian finally asked, and I could hear anger in his voice. I wasn't sure if it was for me or Zack.

"No," I told him, and I was surprised when tears rose to my eyes.

"He didn't say anything?" Matt asked, and I shook my head.

"The night before I thought everything was good. After he got in a fight with another patient, he seemed-" I started, but Johnny cut me off.

"He got in a fight? About what?"

"He wouldn't tell me. He did call me this morning, though. He didn't say anything useful at all. Just kept saying he was sorry. But he's alive," I said, and the three of them seemed to take a collective breath.

"You have no idea at all where he could be though? We've looked everywhere we can think of," Brian asked, and I shook my head again.

"Like I said, he didn't say anything. The night before he left he seemed pretty good, actually. We kissed..." I told them, and all three nodded.

"Fucking finally. He's only been talking about wanting to since the day he got to this place," Brian told me, winking at me and making me blush.

"Too bad it doesn't matter if we can't find him," I told them and Brian got serious again.

"Damn him," Matt whispered, pounding his fist lightly on the table.

"We'll find him," Brian said, putting a hand on Matt's shoulder.

"I wish I could help," I told them, and they all looked at me. "What?" I asked, and none of them said anything for a minute.

"You could help," Johnny said, looking between Matt and Brian.

"I can't... can't leave," I told them, and they nodded.

"That's totally okay. We'll keep you posted, for sure," Brian told me, passing me a piece of paper with their three phone numbers and Zack's cell on it.

All three of them hugged me before they left, and as I walked back to my room I really wondered if I should have gone with them. I had been making big strides in my mental health just in the relatively short time I'd been there, after all. Plus, there was still a big part of me that wasn't sure if my issues were even really mental health related or just me feeling alone and ignored. Part of me felt like I'd mostly just been using my mental health as a crutch to ignore the real things that were going on in my life. I knew I probably did belong at the ward at first, but at that moment I wasn't so sure if I did or not. Mostly I just felt like I belonged out in the world, finding the man I'd come to care so much about in the time I'd known him.



I somehow managed to keep him off my mind (mostly) for a few more days. I called his friends as often as I could, and they still hadn't heard anything. Finally, on the third day, I was paged for a phone call.

"Emma," his voice came through clearly when I picked up the receiver. He sounded mostly okay but also incredibly tired.

"Zack?! Where are you? Your friends are looking for you," I told him, and he made a sound in the back of his throat.

"I know. I don't want them to find me. They'd just be ashamed of me," he told me, and I could tell then that he sounded a little drunk.

"Z? They're worried about you. So am I."

"They're worried but they're ashamed. They have every right to be."

"They're not ashamed of you, Zack. They just want to find you."

"I don't... don't want to be found yet."

"Please? At least call them so they can hear your voice."

"I'll call them."

"I miss you, Z."

"I miss you too, sweet girl. I'm sorry I fucked things up."

"You didn't fuck anything up. I just wish I could see you."

"I wish I could-" he started a sentence but was cut off by the line going dead.

"Zack? Z?!" I yelled into the phone, knowing once again that he wasn't listening on the other end. "Goddamn it," I whispered to myself, dialing Brian's phone number.