For a Little While
Use You
One by one, people were clearing out of the bar until all that was left were the drunk stragglers, struggling authors, and a couple of lonely souls.
John watched his ice melt, so thoroughly gone until you couldn’t even see the remnants of caramel anymore. He sighed to himself.
“I guess I should have seen this coming. I believe in karma, don’t I?” He chuckled to himself before sipping on his now non-alcoholic drink.
I didn't really speak as he continued his drunken lecture. He’d look at me occasionally to make sure I was still there, but other than that, I had nothing to contribute.
“She’s married for fuck’s sake.” A large sarcastic smirk appeared across his face as he had a difficult time comprehending his own words. “And I’m–I’m… I’m nobody. I’m nothing. She’s married, and I’m nothing.”
“Don’t say that.” I handed him my half-full glass.
“But I am nothing.”
“And what makes you say that?”
“People who steal, lie, and cheat are nothing.” John declared it like it was a simple fact of life. “I used to steal all the time when I was a kid. You’d think I would have kicked the habit. Hell, I knew she was married, and I… I don't even know anymore. I guess I wanted to steal one more thing before accepting the consequences.”
John was quiet for a moment before finishing his thought.
“I just didn’t expect to lose myself to something that wasn’t even mine.”
I noticed his demeanor had changed significantly over the few hours we had been sitting at the bar. He looked vulnerable now, willing to spill all his secrets. After his endeavor, he probably just needed someone–didn’t matter who it was whether it be a stranger or a lover.
“You know,” I sighed. “She’s nothing.”
“What?”
“You said it yourself.” I nodded, looking forward and confident in my sentiment. “People who steal, lie, and cheat are nothing. She did all three, didn’t she?”
John didn’t understand at first, and that much was obvious. At first, he looked angry that I insulted his pseudo-lover, but as the words sank in, his expression changed.
“While you were blindly chasing after your prize, she stole your affection. She lied to her husband, and she cheated on him, too.” I glanced over at him. “Looks to me like you aren’t the only nobody here.”
The bar was quiet for a moment.
“She sounds pretty selfish to me.”
John hung his head down. What seemed obvious to me was far from it to him.
“But I–”
“And don’t say you loved her.” I shook my head. “Even if you did, saying it out loud only makes it worse.”
“Why?”
“Because then it becomes words, and people can hold words against you.”
The conversation died after that. At that point, we both turned to empty bottles and were satisfied to polish the bar. John paid his tab, and I followed. We walked idly outside, and I was ready to part ways. The same could not be said for him.
The city was quiet by now, the only din that remained was the low rumble of cars and the whistling 3am breeze. I stumbled a bit, but not before I found myself pushed against the wall beside the door.
John's eyes were swollen with his thoughts. And while he made eye contact with me, it was obvious that he was looking for her in my stare. He placed his hands on my cheeks, his lips skimming ever so lightly against my skin. Any other time, I would have moved quickly, leaving the drunkard behind and getting back to the safety of my own apartment, but this was different.
Without making any further advancement, John grabbed my hand and lightly pulled me down the street. As the alcohol swished in my system, I lost track of how many blocks we had passed. Even when I stood in the elevator of his building, my thoughts were left idle, waiting for the moving to stop.
John unlocked the door to his quiet loft. It was bigger than I’d expected, subtly decorated with fine pieces of art and vintage lighting fixtures.
I dropped my bag on the floor, my legs still swaying.
He held me upright, steadying me against the wall. He placed his hands on my cheeks again, greeting me once more with his “hello” kiss, this time with slight trembles. John pressed his forehead to mine, and I had to confess I found myself leaning into him, craving more than I should.
“I don’t want to lie to you.” He whispered under the whiskey on his breath. “If you don’t want me to use you, please, leave and never speak to me again. Don’t look for me. Don’t go to that bar anymore. Just go out that door, call a cab, and go home.”
As he spoke, his hands wandered, feeling soft skin on my neck and the belt loop on my hip.
Even with the truth out, I just couldn’t leave.
John watched his ice melt, so thoroughly gone until you couldn’t even see the remnants of caramel anymore. He sighed to himself.
“I guess I should have seen this coming. I believe in karma, don’t I?” He chuckled to himself before sipping on his now non-alcoholic drink.
I didn't really speak as he continued his drunken lecture. He’d look at me occasionally to make sure I was still there, but other than that, I had nothing to contribute.
“She’s married for fuck’s sake.” A large sarcastic smirk appeared across his face as he had a difficult time comprehending his own words. “And I’m–I’m… I’m nobody. I’m nothing. She’s married, and I’m nothing.”
“Don’t say that.” I handed him my half-full glass.
“But I am nothing.”
“And what makes you say that?”
“People who steal, lie, and cheat are nothing.” John declared it like it was a simple fact of life. “I used to steal all the time when I was a kid. You’d think I would have kicked the habit. Hell, I knew she was married, and I… I don't even know anymore. I guess I wanted to steal one more thing before accepting the consequences.”
John was quiet for a moment before finishing his thought.
“I just didn’t expect to lose myself to something that wasn’t even mine.”
I noticed his demeanor had changed significantly over the few hours we had been sitting at the bar. He looked vulnerable now, willing to spill all his secrets. After his endeavor, he probably just needed someone–didn’t matter who it was whether it be a stranger or a lover.
“You know,” I sighed. “She’s nothing.”
“What?”
“You said it yourself.” I nodded, looking forward and confident in my sentiment. “People who steal, lie, and cheat are nothing. She did all three, didn’t she?”
John didn’t understand at first, and that much was obvious. At first, he looked angry that I insulted his pseudo-lover, but as the words sank in, his expression changed.
“While you were blindly chasing after your prize, she stole your affection. She lied to her husband, and she cheated on him, too.” I glanced over at him. “Looks to me like you aren’t the only nobody here.”
The bar was quiet for a moment.
“She sounds pretty selfish to me.”
John hung his head down. What seemed obvious to me was far from it to him.
“But I–”
“And don’t say you loved her.” I shook my head. “Even if you did, saying it out loud only makes it worse.”
“Why?”
“Because then it becomes words, and people can hold words against you.”
The conversation died after that. At that point, we both turned to empty bottles and were satisfied to polish the bar. John paid his tab, and I followed. We walked idly outside, and I was ready to part ways. The same could not be said for him.
The city was quiet by now, the only din that remained was the low rumble of cars and the whistling 3am breeze. I stumbled a bit, but not before I found myself pushed against the wall beside the door.
John's eyes were swollen with his thoughts. And while he made eye contact with me, it was obvious that he was looking for her in my stare. He placed his hands on my cheeks, his lips skimming ever so lightly against my skin. Any other time, I would have moved quickly, leaving the drunkard behind and getting back to the safety of my own apartment, but this was different.
Without making any further advancement, John grabbed my hand and lightly pulled me down the street. As the alcohol swished in my system, I lost track of how many blocks we had passed. Even when I stood in the elevator of his building, my thoughts were left idle, waiting for the moving to stop.
John unlocked the door to his quiet loft. It was bigger than I’d expected, subtly decorated with fine pieces of art and vintage lighting fixtures.
I dropped my bag on the floor, my legs still swaying.
He held me upright, steadying me against the wall. He placed his hands on my cheeks again, greeting me once more with his “hello” kiss, this time with slight trembles. John pressed his forehead to mine, and I had to confess I found myself leaning into him, craving more than I should.
“I don’t want to lie to you.” He whispered under the whiskey on his breath. “If you don’t want me to use you, please, leave and never speak to me again. Don’t look for me. Don’t go to that bar anymore. Just go out that door, call a cab, and go home.”
As he spoke, his hands wandered, feeling soft skin on my neck and the belt loop on my hip.
Even with the truth out, I just couldn’t leave.