Letting Go

Even as she pulled her jacket closer to her body, Isabel could feel the chill seeping into her bones but she knew it had nothing to do with winter’s sudden onset. She kept her head down as she walked back to her dorm, her dark hair whipping around her as the wind sighed through the buildings towering above her. Shivering, she walked faster, eager to get out of the cold and begin packing her things to head home for the winter break. She felt her cell phone buzz in her pocket and reluctantly, pulled it out, knowing that it would be her best friend Gina calling for the tenth time that day. Declining it, she sighed aloud and wished that she had the zeal to speak to her friend.

The constant sadness that shadowed her ensured that even simple pleasures were denied to her, but alas, she was the ultimate author of such a demise. While her friends all relished the fact that finals were over, Isabel couldn’t bring herself to partake in their excitement, steeling herself away to the uppermost floor of the library and pulling long hours studying. But now she did not have the excuse that she was studying. She had just completed the very last of her exams and was free to do as she pleased but Isabel longed for the solace of the library, the distractions of formulas and facts that she had spent the last two weeks learning.

Without them, she feared that she would come undone, having to face the facts that he had left her.

Sighing again, she let herself into her dorm room, savoring the rare quiet that engulfed her floor. With a heavy heart, she began packing her things, fighting back tears that threatened to fall. The emotion that she had so carefully tucked away for the last two weeks since her heart had been shattered began to surface, solitude bringing forth those unwelcome feelings.

Opening her closet, she exhaled shakily, her slim fingers brushing the soft material of the jacket that he had left behind, along with every memory of them that she held dear. Sighing had become second nature to her and she let out a frustrated one, dropping the sleeve of the jacket and closing the door. A soft knock on her door pulled her out of thoughts of the past and for the first time in weeks, Isabel was happy that someone had come to distract her.

“I need a beer.” Were the first words she heard as she opened her door. A smile crept across her face as she regarded the tiny Vietnamese girl that was currently scowling at her. “I’m pretty sure I failed Genetics and I just need a beer.”

“You and I both know you didn’t fail Jenny.” Isabel’s words were supposed to sound reassuring but she knew that the sentiment was already lost on her floormate. “But yeah. I need a drink too. Let’s go.”

***

It had been three weeks since she had last heard from him. Three weeks since he chose to walk away, painting beautiful promises in his wake. Promises that they would be together again and that he wanted more for her than what he was giving her. No matter how she tried, she desperately wanted to rid herself of his memory, of his touch, his smile, his everything but he stayed on her like a second skin. She knew that her friends were right, that she should cut her loses with him and move on, holding her head high even if she didn’t feel tough enough to do so.

For the last three weeks, her friends had been there for her, during the nights she cried, the days she sulked and even as she drove aimlessly over the break. Somehow, they each found her and gave her a shoulder to lean on as she had always been there for each of them. It was their way of returning her kindness in such a time of need. They had always considered her the tough one, the one with all the answers, the one they all looked to and it almost frightened them to see her so broken. Resolved to ensure that their friend would be healed, they took turns over the winter break, spending time with her, distracting her, if only momentarily, from the profound melancholy that had overtaken even the most kindred of spirits.

Lauren, who lived two doors down from her on campus drove out to see her three times a week and was the one who had finally gotten Isabel to pick back up her drumsticks. Knowing that Isabel was a talented drummer, Lauren had ensured that her friend got back behind her beloved kit. Enlisting the help of their other friends, Sarah and Jenny, they managed to make connections with some of their fellow classmates who were looking for a drummer. By the end of the break, the band that they had gotten her to join flourished, thanks to Lauren’s connections but most importantly, Isabel’s smile had returned and her friends were once again content that all was right in the world.

***

Five months had passed and Isabel walked alone through campus, once again diving into her studies as finals season swiftly approached. She thought of the one that had hurt her, but not as often as she used to. She had taken her friend Jenny’s advice and started her own blog, using it to pour her feelings into, letting them go as quickly as them came so that they wouldn’t tear at her heart.

Sometimes she wondered what went wrong, what had she done that made him lose interest in her so quickly. She tormented herself with those thoughts nightly until she started the blog and soon, she was healing. She had also decided that her experience with him would serve as a life lesson, one that she would learn from but even so, she felt a coldness surround her heart and the well-constructed walls that kept her safe and secure growing taller and thicker.

Three days after finals had finished, Isabel found herself with her bandmates, setting up a quaint venue in the middle of Rice Village for one of their performances. Her friends were all there in support and the place was packed just before they took the stage.

“We got this guys.” Kellin said raising his beer in a toast to their tenth live performance for the year.

They were doing well enough for a relatively new band on the music scene but he knew that their success had much to do with Isabel’s friends and their invaluable connections.

Isabel smiled at the lead guitarist and raised her vodka-cranberry, clinking her glass against his just as her fellow bandmates did.

“I’ve talked it over with the manager” Lauren pushed her way under her boyfriend Matt’s arm and smiled mischievously at Isabel who quirked an eyebrow at her friend. “He said once you guys are cool, he’s cool.” Isabel shot her a questioning look but Lauren dutifully ignored her so she turned on her heel and walked off, headed towards the stage.

“You’re amazing sugar” Matt said sweetly, looking down at Lauren with a grin. “Oi, Jose! Glad you could make it man!” he nodded at a slim built guy who had just approached the band, his features distinctive with his dark eyes, high set cheek bones and tanned skin.

“Wouldn’t miss it!” Jose smiled back at Matt and nodded at Kellin who raised his beer slightly in return. “I brought my brother but it’s not really his scene.”

“Well it’s always good to widen horizons” Zack remarked, his words dripping with sarcasm. Jose stiffened at Zack’s quip but chose to ignore him. The bad blood there had not yet faded.

“So who’s this new drummer that you’ve been raving about?” Jose asked Kellin, shifting the attention from the obvious tension that had started growing.

“Snow is amazing.” Kellin answered happily, looking over at the stage where Isabel was crouched behind her kit.

“Snow?” Jose looked confused and Zack took the opportunity to sneer openly at him.

“She brought the snow with her to Houston. She moved here last year and for the first time in years, it snowed for Christmas.” Kellin hastily explained, shooting Zack a furtive glance who grimaced back and walked away. “It happened the last time she moved here about seven years back too.”

“Fitting then.” Jose turned to the stage, his eyes scanning the stage for the drummer but her kit obscured her from view. “Well, good luck then!” he clasped Matt’s shoulder and winked at Lauren who smiled at him gently. “Come join us for a drink after the set.”

Minutes later, the band took the stage and powered through three of their songs, the crowd moving to the music as they watched from their seats. Isabel played hard and mightily, earning appreciative nods from some of those in the crowd. From the other end of the venue, Jose’s head moved in time with the beat that echoed through the room. Sipping on his beer, he looked over at his older brother who looked thoroughly bored.

“Thanks again for coming.” He said, leaning closer to his brother who barely bothered to look up from his phone. He looked dramatically different from Jose, taking after their mother’s side of the family with his Asian features, except for his strong jawline which he had gotten from their father. Jose scoffed and turned back to look at his friends performing.

By the end of the fifth song, the room was filled with cheers and shouts of approval from the crowd. Matt winked at Lauren who was at the side of the stage as he inhaled deeply before shushing the crowd.

“Thank you guys so much for coming out to see us tonight. We have a little surprise in store for you guys and since you all have been incredible, we’re hoping that you give our girl the same kind of love.”

Isabel’s head snapped up and her eyes widened. Kellin turned and shot her one of his reassuring smiles.

“Our drummer is not just a drummer. She’s also has one of the prettiest voices I’ve ever heard.” Matt chanced a look back at Isabel who looked as if she wanted to murder him right there and then. “She’s been working on some great stuff and while she’s shy, we wanted to give her the chance to share her talent.”

Kellin walked to the drum kit. “You can do this.” He said to her as Matt continued talking to the crowd. “Your music deserves to be heard. Lauren arranged everything.”

“I can’t do this.” Isabel wailed in response. “I’ve only shared my music with you guys. How could you do this to me.”

Kellin took the fedora that he was wearing and handed it to Isabel. “Put it on.” He urged her. “Block them out and just sing. The world deserves to hear you.”

Uncertainly, Isabel pulled it lower on her head, partially covering her features. She felt a little better, feeling as if the crowd wasn’t really there, as if she were back in their band room late at night. Approaching Matt, she punched him in the arm once she was close enough. Some of the crowd laughed.

“Um…Hi everyone.” She stuttered into the microphone. “Thanks for coming out.”

She looked back at her bandmates who nodded and smiled encouragingly. Inhaling shakily, she pulled the fedora lower over her eyes. “This song is called Control.”

Within seconds, the opening rift of her song came on and she allowed herself to be overtaken by the music, using it to conceal her fear and unease at the situation she had been thrust into. She sang her heart out and the crowd seemed to be as enthralled as her bandmates knew they would be. At the other end of the venue, Jose nudged his brother but turned in shock to see that he was already looking at the stage.

“She’s really something.” Jose said to him. “What’s with the look?”

“Something seems…never mind.” Shaking his head he glanced at the stage again, trying to ward of the sense of familiarity that the girl on stage exuded. He couldn’t see her face but something about the lilt in her voice when she introduced her song grabbed his attention. Scowling to himself, he looked down at his phone and tried to push the girl on stage out of his thoughts.

“You’re a weird one Elijah.” Jose laughed at his brother who merely shook his head in response.

After a rousing applause from the audience, Isabel took a bow and thanked everyone. Turning she grinned happily at her bandmates, the rush from performing her own music coursing through her veins. The house music came on and the stage lights dimmed, chatter from the venue’s patrons now loud and vivacious.

“Who needs a drink?” Kellin hugged Isabel with one arm while high-fiving Matt.

“God knows I need one.” Zach said, his eyes bright and shining with the same high from performing that everyone else felt. They pushed their way through the crowd, stopping occasionally to shake hands with people who enjoyed their set. Once they had their drinks in hand, Kellin scanned the crowd for Jose, finding his friend at the other side of venue. Nodding to Isabel and Matt, the three of them made their way over, minus Zack, who had conveniently disappeared.

“Y’all were goddamn amazing!” Jose said loudly as they arrived at the table.

Kellin and Matt graciously accepted the compliment, but Isabel stood rooted to the spot, just behind Matt. Her eyes were fixed on the man who sat at the table with Jose.

“This is my brother, Elijah.” Jose said, nudging his brother sharply with his elbow. Elijah started and looked up.

“Nice to me…”Elijah’s words were cut short as his gaze landed on Isabel, his light brown eyes widening with shock.

“I need a drink.” Isabel said hurriedly, turning away from everyone and walking off, her very full drink still in hand.

“Excuse me guys.” Elijah said to the group, clasping his brother’s shoulder as he made his way after Isabel. He could feel the confused stares following him but he didn’t care. He scanned the crowd knowing that she couldn’t have gotten far and finally caught the briefest glimpse of her walking through the exit door.

The wind was cool as it nipped playfully around her as she stepped out into the night, the fervent sounds of the patrons within the bar dulled by the heavy steel door that swung shut behind her. Inhaling deeply, she steadied her breathing but it did nothing to steady her thoughts. It had been months since she had last seen Elijah and all the emotions she had put in that neat little box in her mind now came spilling out but it was because seeing him was so unexpected. She willed herself to pull it together, but knowing that he had been there while she performed a song that she had written about them felt like an invasion.

“Isabel.” His voice was gentle but filled with that wonderful confidence that she had once so admired.

Resolving herself to be strong, if only for a little while, she donned a mask of cool indifference, turning and giving him a once over before smiling stonily.

“Elijah.” She didn’t meet his gaze, “nice to see you.”

They stood in an awkward silence, regarding each other carefully.

“I should get back inside.” She said softly, walking past him, counting each step she took away from him, much like when she had counted each step he took away from her months ago.

“Don’t.” there was a pleading in his voice that she had never heard before, causing her steps to falter. “Can we talk?”

She turned around, facing him, a surge of strength filling her. “There really isn’t anything to talk about anymore.”

“But there is.” He chewed the inside of his lower lip, something he did when he was nervous.

“Elijah, you never replied to my texts, my email or my goddamn Merry Christmas message.” Anger tainted her tone. “You called this off. You walked away and never looked back. You did what you needed to do.”

“I know. Isabel, you know that things were….”

She cut him off before he could finish, her words cold and devoid of emotion. “Complicated. I know.” Sighing aloud, she brought herself to finally look him in the eye. “You said you would come back to me. You spun these pretty dreams and I waited for you.”

“I’m sorry Isabel.” He looked at her, his eyes searching hers for something, anything that would get her to stay, to listen to him but he felt his heart break when he couldn’t find it. She had been different to anyone he had ever met, encouraging him to be the best version of himself, seeing more to him than he could ever hope to see. Her unwavering sense of care and concern for him was refreshing but he had walked away from her, for his own selfish reasons. He knew how much it would hurt her when he didn’t reply to her messages, until there was silence; a silence that had become deafening.

“So am I.” her words sliced through him, the coolness in her voice chilling him to the very core. “I hope you find what you’re looking for one day.” The softness in her eyes rivaled the cool tone with which she spoke.

She turned again and began counting each step she took away from him, the one that had broken her, the one that had given her invaluable memories, the one that had changed her, the one lesson that she had to learn the hard way.