Status: Heartbreak Warning

Remember? Last Summer

Him

He's my best friend. He's also a passionate lover.

Since you left me, he has been by my side ever since. He hasn't left. It's been almost two months since you broke my heart, and he's seen every horrible moment you have put me through. He has been more of a man in the month you left me, than you had in our entire relationship. That's putting it nicely.

I've forgotten almost every bittersweet kiss, every heated spat, every shivery touch. I've forgotten your voice, the way you smelt. I've forgotten the words you said that once meant the world to me. I've forgotten the language our body spoke when words weren't enough. But what I do remember, is how you left me, and who was there when you left.

This man has stood up and been there in every way possible he could. Not only dealing with his own heart break and battles, but mine too. My problems were his own, and his mine. We are there for each other. I take great pride in the friendship that has become of us during our misery. I also take great spite, knowing that if you ever found out it was him, you would break. Sadly, that is what I want most. Is to see you broken and torn down it your very core. Broken and raw, with nothing left to keep you warm at night. That is what I wish upon you out of spite. But that isn't me. I wish you the very best on your endeavors and finding someone who could love you just as much as I did.

But this man who has filled that dark void you left, has opened up new life for me. He has opened a door I thought was too impossible for me to reach, but instead he opened it for me like a gentleman would and guided me through it. No, he's not perfect. Far from it, but he is damn near it. As humans do, we fight. We argue and niggle. But he has never left me feeling worthless; insecure; alone. He has never left me feeling nothing but alive and needed. He has reached places inside of myself I never knew I had and that is without feeling. Emotions are something that are foreign to me right now, but he has touched something inside of me that has triggered the yearning of closeness.

He keeps me warm at night, and appeals to my every need. Whether it be emotionally, physically or mentally. He treats me like a woman. A broken a woman, and a broken man. We are two parts of the same whole, who couldn't be whole together; and in that means something more. We don't need each other to be whole anymore. We are ready to be whole on our own. But we couldn't let the other go. And that is something I know he won't do, just like how you did.

He is scared for when I am with other men, that he may be replaced, forgotten or pushed to the side. He is scared that I may move away when I travel, and is scared of me travelling in general. It's this silent love that keeps me alive. It's not a relationship we're after, but the closeness. The silence of our language is greater than the silence of missing "I love you's" that you left me. He pulls me in for kisses. He comes over each and every day. He sees that I've had a good day, and if I haven't, he makes sure it ends on a good night.

He makes sure I feel beautiful, sexy. He makes sure that I know it. He drives me to work, without complaint. He drives to and from my place during early mornings or late nights from work. There has not been a day go by that I haven't seen him. He is what has kept me going through the past few weeks. Not the memories you left me with. He did. He intertwined our fingers and kissed my neck, making me laugh with stupid puns. He tickled my back as we had our "whoosh" moments. There is a synergy between us I'm sure I can't find in anyone else. I wouldn't give this friendship up for anything.

He pushes me up against his car and kisses me goodbye, before fist bumping and leaving for the first night in almost two months. He messages me as soon as he gets home. He lets me know he's thinking of me. It's not that hard being a man. A friend. A lover. No, we aren't together, so please don't get your panties in a knot. But we're the closest thing to it. We don't need a label for what we are. But I do label him as a man. Someone who has control over his anger, emotions. Someone who has his life together, a job and a car. A working, functional social life that isn't just drugs and alcohol.

Some have begun to say he loves me, regardless of my blatant disagreeing seeing as I'm temporarily under emotional maintenance. I'm not prepared to take that step, even with this man. He doesn't set butterflies free in my stomach nor my heart racing. He feels like home. A vacation long awaited. It may be a phase, I'm not sure. But I do know he is where I want to be for now until he no longer needs me. We both will grow up eventually, find our own feet to stand on without using the other as a crutch; finding people who will become our future.

I just don't see our future being us.

That hurts more than our break up.