Status: Heartbreak Warning

Remember? Last Summer

Note to Self

You see, this is your problem. You build up such an expectation in your mind, such a fantasy world that when you realise the reality doesn't measure up to your fantasy world by even half, you self destruct. Everything you over thought, or made up in your mind, your day dreams and hopes, come crumbling down revealing a cold brick wall of reality. The coldness isn't unfamiliar to you, but you don't welcome it either. It's just another reminder of how far you let your mind wander. Why do you let yourself do this to you?

I know, I know. I do this every time. But you don't understand! Perfection comes in so many forms and just the way everything flowed was so graceful... so patient and so warm and secure. He felt so warm and secure. Felt. Hah; that's a funny word. He's not even past tense. I feel like I've lost him when I never had him to begin with..

And that is exactly your problem!! You never had him to begin with! You live in your own denial. You denied every time that you did not love him. You had no feelings whatsoever, but the moment he shows exactly what your deepest fears depicted, you self destruct. Self destruct.

But you do not understand! The way he held me, the way his hand glided over my skin and kept me so safe. He shielded myself from the danger I was putting upon my own being. He stopped me from damaging my mind; my skin; my self worth. He held me up on a pedestal. He showed how much he can care-

Because that is what friends do. You'll never learn. You always look too deep beneath the surface to fully understand this is what friendship does. Maybe if you hadn't of continued sleeping with him, you wouldn't have this bond and just take the friendship for what it really is. And it is just that. Friendship.

No! It's more than that. I do see how he could treat other women the same way-

He's a gentleman! He is kind-hearted! It meant nothing but him being a thoughtful human and looking after you as friends do.

I need to stop seeing him don't I? I can't confess my feelings for him. He was just a crutch. He helped me through the most difficult parts. Maybe this is just another chapter in my life that someone has helped me through and this is the end of it. If I don't stop this now, it'll cause more damage down the track.

This is exactly what I was talking about! You let him in! You let him in specifically when you weren't suppose to! You were suppose to be protecting yourself from anymore damage! When will enough be enough? You knew exactly what you were getting yourself in to and yet you still went ahead with it all? You can't be disappointed. You're not allowed to be. You aren't allowed to be upset or withdrawn. You can't be. You knew exactly what you were getting yourself into. Pain and damage, crying and sobbing.. no it can't be dealt with that way because you let yourself do this. You caused this. You are self-destructive. You will sit. You will deal with it and move on. You won't stop seeing him and you will continue what you normally do because this is what you wanted. But you cannot expect it to not hurt now that you are aware. You will ruin a very good thing otherwise. He is your best friend first and foremost.

Hah. First and foremost. My best friend. I couldn't do that to him could I? I couldn't leave him. I couldn't. I want to show him everything. I want to be the one he gets excited about when someone speaks of me. I want him to tell me everything, all his accomplishments, his goals. I want to be there when he succeeds, and catch him when he fails just to remind him he can do this. I want to be an inspiration for him, and show him he is worthy of being loved. I want to care for him as much as I can because a person like him needs to be protected. He can't be tarnished. He deserves the best and can only receive the purest, innocent love. I want to hold him when he's cold, and tell him how truly amazing he is. He is the perfection that runs through my life day in and day out.

Then why are you pushing him away? He wants you to move in and live with you.

We aren't together. I couldn't put that burden on him.

But you wouldn't be burdening him if you can provide all those things for him?

We aren't together.

Then that is truly heart breaking. You need to grow up. Deal with it and move on.