Status: Heartbreak Warning

Remember? Last Summer

Wolf in Disguise

I never want you to feel like I am taking you for granted. trust me when I say I am not going anywhere, and the only way for you to get rid of me is to ask me to leave.

And it still won't be that easy.

I may be the most difficult person you will come across, but you make my life so much easier. you make me feel wanted; special. You make me feel okay when I feel numb. When I feel like shit, you can make me laugh.

You've replaced my rocks with something stronger and put glue there to hold me together. you've put me first over and over again. I want to do the same for you.

Trust me when I say I want to fall for you and have the words "I love you," slip off my tongue.

But I know that is still a long way off. I still have my wall.

I am still terrified of the day that you may grow bored of me and question what we are doing. I am terrified that you will give up and move on and just like the rest of them: rub my existence from your ind. My insecurities don't change the way I feel about you, just the way I act.

How do I protect myself from you? When I want you on my side of the wall knowing nothing could go wrong.

You are mine as I am yours. This is still fresh. It still takes some getting use to. But as my butterflies threaten to break from their cages, I am still scared that they bare razors that will cut me deeper than their beauty could hide.

And I know, deep inside, it is not you who I am scared of.

I am self destructive. I am a skeleton as I have nothing left but a detonator to the bomb inside my rib cage.I could destroy this beauty for the sake of protecting myself; utilize the pain as a weapon of defense and self destruction.

And anything that threatens me.

I wield a heart of stone, with sharp edges and broken through with cracks that others threw so carelessly around. It is held together by the glue of your security and warmth, your generosity to care and selflessness to pursue someone as broken as myself.

You give me hope.

You give me a reason to believe that this stone could change into a beating heart that beats warmth and security, that could course through into my hands that hold yours. To make you believe that I am worth every damn minute of your time without room for doubt to roll in like thunder clouds overhead.

Like a child I curl up into your arms, pretending you are shielding me from the monsters who broke my stone, when really.. You are cradling the monster who hides within a girl who is terrified of the power of self destruction. A girl who is yet to grow and trust again. Who can believe that love does exist. The unconditional kind.

A girl who wants to be a woman who can cook and keep a home clean and have open arms for you waiting for you to come home each and every day after work.

To remind you that each shitty day is made better because I would rather be in your company than any others.

Rather than locking the stone heart or chaining the monster, I want to see them perish.

And out of the rubble of self destruction, a woman steps out and humbly becomes everything you put into her hands.

The warmth and security. The generosity and selflessness to care unconditionally. I live to see the day where with you, the words terrified, scared and self destruction cease to exist, and rub them from my mind.

You lead an example of everything I wish to be. You make me want to be a better person.

But instead, I lay in this darkness when an eerie atmosphere of emptiness moves like fog into my chest, replacing your warmth. It takes away the security and leaves nothing in it's place.

It's as though I have forgotten to trust.

Your hand slips from mine and I do not search for it among the fog. I watch it slip further and further away, and I let it go. A familiar coolness trickles over my skin, and I am greeted with numbness. It's familiar presence of emptiness, of nothingness, clouds my mind to the point of claustrophobia until I am choking for air. It makes it's way into my mouth, forcing itself into my lungs and constricts around my neck.

I cry and plead for help for no one comes. I can see warm eyes, that belong to you. You stare, then turn away. A blankness crossed your face. I was rubbed from your mind.

Just like to everyone before you, and everyone after you, I am forgettable.

You do not remain to pick up my pieces after they have been abused by my own hands. You do not stay and offer comforting words.

You were just like everyone else.

But worse.

You made me believe you weren't.