Remember? Last Summer

Do you remember how it felt?
When you first kissed him, and how his arms wrapped around you, enticing those feelings of belonging...warmth...security.
But even worse; it made you feel love.

Do you remember his voice?
How it calmed you down when your reached your final breaking point? How loud it was when he got angry at you. But all those feelings he brought to the surface when he spoke of how much he loved you. Or when, on those very late nights in the cool breeze in summer air, when you two were sitting on the roof, doing nothing but admiring the stars. And when he pulled you in and whispered so softly, about how beautiful you looked under the cool night sky.

His voice had so many superhuman powers against you. You couldn't believe what you would do to hear him speak. To hear the comfort and love that poured out of his mouth, over his tongue and made it way into your very core; into your heart. Where it held a gentle spot of serenity. It was like being high for the first time. The overwhelming aroma drawing you in to have more. Nothing else mattered.

Do you remember his skin?
The early morning sleepy cuddles. Your legs were entangled in a mess of sheets, the window was open and the sunlight shone down on you both. It was mesmerizing, watching him sleep so peacefully. To see him look so carefree and silent. You would trace his features with your eyes. How his jawline was so square, and his chin was perfectly straight. How his straight nose felt against your own while you two breathed in at the same pace. How long his beautiful eye lashes were against his cheeks as he snoozed under the sun.

His arm moved, curling you into his body, overwhelming you with his scent. His hands moved over your body, loving you ever so deeply. They were soft, and big. The security of his touch sent you over the edge and you grabbed him in closer, trying to close every single gap there was between you. His skin glided over yours, and it had never felt so... real for lack of a better word. You couldn't comprehend that such an amazing man could love you like he did.

Do you remember his smile?
Oh that daring smile he did when he was being cheeky that absolutely destroyed everything inside of you. That tore you down from the inside out. And the only noise that you could make out was a slight giggle, but your face showed more and he knew it too. It was the same smile you fell in love with during winter, and the same smile that pulled you along through Summer. It was the same smile he would give you on long drives when he knew you were staring at him. It was the same smile he gave you when he would tell you how much he loved you. It was everything and more to see him smile at you like that, and couldn't possibly imagine him looking at anyone else in the same way.

Do you remember his eyes?
Those baby blues you could easily get lost in, but also felt too scared to look in to. It was scary to look into them because you knew you were trapped. That now you put everything in, and if you looked into them again, there would be nothing you wouldn't do for him. He had full control over you. And he knew that. Those eyes held everything you were looking for in them. The love, and the power behind them is what made them so enticing. But even more so when they were glazed over on a high, he would stare at you. The same way you would stare at him on long drives, he would return. His eyes observed so much. He saw the times you broke down, the crazy and happy times, the fights, everything. Those eyes were there for it all. Had been through it all. They brought so much happiness, but also so much fear.

Do you remember how it really felt, though?
During last Summer?
You do remember don't you?
The last fight you had, where you acted tough, like it wouldn't hurt. Like to you, nothing mattered either. But it did hurt, didn't it? It stung so bad, you had to hurt yourself to make sure you felt physical pain too. And oh boy, it was oh so real. He dumped you during the Summer. Over a facebook message. He threw it all away just like that, and you acted tough. You put on a brave face and pretended nothing mentioned above bothered you.

It was when you were alone that it suddenly hit you all at once. All those bottled up emotions. The loneliness and realisation of losing him. And of course it was your fault. There was so much more you could have done to be a better partner. So much more. But you knew deep down, you weren't connecting anymore. As though your wired ends had become razor blades hurting each other in your grasp.

All you wanted to do is scream and rant at him. How could he do this to you? He swore he loved you. But the first chance he got, he ripped your heart out. You realise as you wake to your senses, that he's no longer there to fill that aching void he created with his own hands. Because you simply weren't worth driving through traffic for. You had hoped that one day you would be worth the fuel money. You begin to think about everything you had been through in the short time with him. How much does it actually matter to you?

You had to message him to divide your things. It hurt much more than you thought possible when he responded straight away. There was nothing negative about the messages. But he didn't miss you. He didn't want you. Not how you yearned for him, to have his arms around you once more. To have his lips crushing yours. To have your legs entwined together in a mess of sheets. A flood of memories raced behind your eyes and came pouring down your face.

Not one single emotion could describe the pain you felt. You knew you were ready to move on and forget him, but that stinging, hurting ache in your heart felt worse and worse and you could not explain it. You didn't miss him. No, not one bit. You knew you deserved better. But how could you do better? He was the best you ever had?

The aching was a pounding thud in your chest, then you realised you were sobbing. Your everything threw you away like you were nothing.

There use to be a photo of you two sitting on your desk. It reminded you of the night you went to the Ferris Wheel for the first time. He would look into your eyes and tell you this is where he would propose to you. You giggled and didn't believe him. At least that wasn't a disappointment, right? But the photo was a reminder of how in love he felt with you. And how he threw that away. Because you weren't worth driving through traffic for.

It was a One Page Reminder of how quickly a snap of a moment can change. How in love you can feel and how much hatred you can feel the next. The feelings of love turned to resentment. The feelings of security turned to self-doubt and loneliness. Everything was crushing your inner child that was reaching out to be with him. The bitterness set in and you kept selling yourself short.

Do you remember how it all started?
Hello turned into leave me alone.
I love you turned into get fucked.
Come over turned into I never want to see you again.
I miss you turned into never again.

And being with you turned into goodbye.

It was a one page reminder of my summer that you destroyed with only a couple of sentences. Destroyed my self-worth. And better yet, my will to love again and be loved.
How much trust can one person put into another with their love?
It's an invisible deal to allow one person to either make your wildest dreams come true, or absolutely destroy you.
You were a beautiful mistake; a venomous snake; a poisonous rose.
Something so powerful and beautiful that had the potential to destroy me - and it did.

I wanted to stop looking back. I really did.

But when your name popped up on my phone, it broke me.
And now I sit here broken hearted, full knowing I can move on with my life.. but with no will to trust anyone again.

You did this to me.

And this is my One Page Reminder.