All I Have to Give

I pulled up into the parking lot of Johnny's new apartment, across town from mine. He had turned eighteen and moved out on his own a few months before. The original plan was for me to move in with him, but that idea got shot to hell when he quit trying to contact me. Now I didn’t know what the hell was going to happen. I reached for the door handle, but let my hand fall into my lap halfway there. What am I thinking? I can't do this. How could I face the guy I loved knowing that he was already over me and moving on with someone else without even feeling the need to tell me?

"Come on Melanie, get your stupid ass out of this car right now," I muttered to myself sternly.

Finally, after about thirty minutes of just sitting there, probably looking like some kind of stalker or something, I got the nerve to climb out of the car. I locked the doors behind me and strode forward in the direction of the stairs leading to the second floor.

I climbed the stairs and found apartment thirteen. This is it, I thought to myself, as I knocked on the door and waited. A few moments passed and I heard no movement from inside. I was just about to turn away when the door popped open and Johnny appeared.

It felt as if all my breath left my body when I saw him. Seeing him was both as great and as scary as I had imagined it to be. I longed to throw myself into his arms and kiss him until someone pried us apart, but I knew I couldn't. I had to figure out what was going on with him; what was going on with us.

"Melanie..." Johnny said, trailing off and looking very shocked.

"Hi," I forced out, finding it extremely difficult to meet his eyes.

"It's good to see you," he said, stepping forward and pulling me into his arms.

Every bit of resolve I possessed melted as soon as his arms wrapped around me. I leaned into his embrace and rested my head on his chest. I breathed in his scent and it was so beautiful that I wanted to cry, but I knew it wouldn't last.

"We need to talk," I said, stepping out of the hug even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. I wanted to just stay in his arms forever, ignoring what needed to be talked about. I was terrified of what was to come.

"Yeah, we kind of do," Johnny said, his fingers playing with the hem of his shirt. That was a nervous habit of his that I had picked up on during our time together.

"Come in." He stepped back and pushed the door open wider. I walked inside slowly and closed the door behind me. My eyes studied the messy apartment that I was standing in and I couldn't help but smile. It was just so Johnny.

He rushed over to the couch and picked up a pile of papers and video game cases and left the room with them. I took that as a hint that he wanted me to sit there, so I did.

I sat on the very edge of the couch with my hands grasping the cushions on either
side of me. After the long car ride I’d gone through, I wanted nothing more than to lean back and relax, but I couldn’t, not here. I was too nervous and anxious about what Johnny was going to say.

Johnny came back into view and joined me on the couch. I noted that he sat with quite a bit of space in between the two of us. It may sound stupid, but that’s when I knew that we were done. We were both always so clingy, wanting to touch each other as much as we could. Now, the foot of space between us hit me like a slap to the face.

“Have you heard anything from Zacky or any of the others?” Johnny asked, fiddling around with a string hanging off his jeans. He wasn’t looking at me.

“Is there something I should have heard from them?” I asked, trying hard not to show my emotions, but I knew I was failing miserably.

“So you did,” Johnny said simply and leaned back against the couch.

I waited on him to say something more, to explain himself, but that explanation never came. I wanted to remain in control of my emotions, but I couldn’t. Not when he obviously just expected me to take this.

“How could you fucking do this to me?” I asked him, my voice rising slightly.

I watched as Johnny ran a hand through his hair and sighed.

“You were gone for a long time and it was harder than I’d ever imagined. What was I supposed to do? It felt like you were never going to come back.” As soon as that weak ass excuse rolled off his tongue, I got to my feet.

“You were supposed to wait for me, Johnny! That was the plan. Six months is not that long and you know it. You knew what we were up against when I left and you promised me that you’d be here waiting for me when I returned.” I was trying not to yell, but that was getting more and more difficult.

“Yeah well I’m a guy, it’s harder for us than it is for girls,” he muttered and I was shocked. Did he really just go there?

“What because you can’t go six fucking months without getting laid?”

Johnny shook his head and looked away from me again. I couldn’t believe this shit! He was actually trying to blame his sexual needs for what he did.

“I thought you loved me,” I whispered. My anger had subsided a bit and I was just sad and hurt more than I had ever been in my life.

“I did, Melanie. I did. Dammit, six months can change a lot.”

The tears I’d been fighting to hold back began to pour from my eyes. He did love me, but he didn’t anymore. How could that happen? I still loved him. My love for him lasted the whole time and was still strong.

“Even if you felt your feelings slipping away, you could have at least had a little sympathy for mine. I deserved to know! Johnny, you’ve been screwing around with some chick and didn’t even bother to break things off from me.”

“I stopped talking to you. I figured you’d get the hint. I didn’t want to hurt you,” he said. Okay now the anger has returned.

Were these words really coming out of his mouth? I thought I’d gotten to know the real Johnny, but apparently that was all a lie. He was exactly the asshole I’d thought he was for the majority of my life.

“You didn’t want to hurt me? Well what the fuck do you think you’re doing right now? You knew I was going to come back and find out eventually. Instead of having some fucking balls and telling me, you ran away from it like the asshat I used to think you were. God, Johnny, you are exactly the guy I always thought you were! Falling for you was the worst mistake I've ever made. There’s obviously a reason I hated you all those years.”

“Melanie-“ he started, but I cut him off. I didn't want to hear anything else from him.

“Don’t bother Johnny. I’m out of your life now, just like you obviously wanted. Go have fun with your little whore. I hope she never makes you happy! I hope you think of me every time you kiss her.”

With that, I spun around and stormed out of his apartment. I made it to the bottom of the stairs before I completely broke down. I leaned against the wall and let my body slide to the ground. I should’ve never left Ohio. At least I was finally finding my place there. Everything I knew about this place was falling away.

After a few minutes of sobbing on the ground outside his apartment, I got up on shaky legs and made my way to my car. Wiping the tears from my face, I climbed inside and started it. I wanted to get back to my apartment as fast as possible. Right now, my best friend was the only person that could help me.