Whiskey in the Jar
Life Is Worth Living
The sound of a blender echoed throughout the walls of the house, Jordan’s finger was pressed against the button on the blender which contained a selection of fruits and vegetables. She was staring out the window at the small waves that hit the shore excited for her run as the machine was doing its job. The noise however, did not please Brian who was awaken by the excessive noise. He looked at his phone and saw through his smashed screen that it was only seven in the morning. Brian crawled out of bed, his blood boiling in his veins, he thought to himself how ‘dare this woman behave like this in his beach house’. When seeing Jordan in the kitchen in a ripped Run DMC shirt and shorts by the blender he felt the urge to kick her out again. The anger he was feeling was more intense than usual and he knew it was credited to his lack of alcohol intake from yesterday.
“What the fuck are you doing so early in the morning?” he demanded loudly over the sound of the blender with his arms raised in confusion. “Do you not know that normal people sleep at this time?” he further prodded rubbing his eyes of leftover sleep.
“Get dressed” she rolled her eyes as she poured the contents of the blender into two cups and pushed one towards Brian “and drink this.” She gestured towards the thick drink. Brian lifted the cup to his face and cringed at the colour and consistency of it. Nonetheless he drank the whole cup in one go and felt refreshed even though that would be the last thing he would ever admit to Jordan.
“What exactly am I getting myself dressed for?” his anger now faded and transformed into exhaustion even though he did just wake up.
“We’re going for a run!” Jordan replied ever so cheerfully “It’s a beautiful day!” her smile radiated happiness that the house lacked and Brian envied this happiness with all his might. He just couldn’t imagine being truly happy again. Not without the side effect of guilt anyway.
Brian looked down at his shirtless body, the drinking had caused him to gain some weight so the body that was once defined and hard was now softer. But that wasn’t the only thing has changed. He no longer kept up his shaving routine and instead let his facial hair grow; Brian was never a hairy man but his facial hair accumulated enough to form some sort of beard. His hair had also grown and was in need of a trim as well as a proper brush. Brian was just no longer the man that he used to be. Nevertheless he silently obeyed Jordan’s instructions and went to get dressed.
10 minutes later the pair were walking to the beach with the awkward silence following them. Both were indulged in their thoughts about one another but neither brave enough to start the conversation. Brian knew that he needed to get to know Jordan since they were going to spend a lot of time together and Jordan knew she needed to get him to talk in order for him to get better. The morning sun was hot on Brian’s pale skin which gave him painful flashbacks of all the beach days he had with Becca, Jordan noticed the sadness in Brian’s eyes and nudged him.
“Let’s start with some stretches then a slow jog and see how we go” Jordan began to do some basic stretches to warm up with Brian reluctantly copying her.
Quickly enough, Brian was noticeably getting breathless only from stretching and his body was aching. Although he wasn’t really using his fragile and bandaged arm, he thought to himself that it was because of his arm that he was struggling and not because of the negative changes in his life.
“Why don’t we walk today and get to know each other a bit? The sun is too hot for a run” Once again Jordan became fully aware of his physical discomfort so she pretended to look tired and hot in order to make him feel less embarrassed. Brian was thankful for this, the relief was obvious on his face but only for a second until he realised that she was going to interrogate him.
“Do we have to? Can we not just go back home and sleep?” he whined
“Think of it this way; the more you cooperate the faster you will get rid of me” this sounded alluring to Brian so he decided to work with her. Both Brian and Jordan were walking along the shore, the sound of the waves were relaxing to Jordan but were making Brian anxious.
“So you’re a hip hop fan?” His long term solitude had caused him to forget how to have a basic conversation but he was proud of himself for managing to come up with something.
She smiled up at him and squinted at the sun “yeah I love hip hop! I hear you’re in a popular band…” she left room for him to expand hoping that he would start talking about something that he’s passionate about.
“Yeah for now.” Brian replied shortly. His tone was dark and carried a lot of baggage insinuating for Jordan to stay away from that topic.
“Your house is wonderful, I love that it’s right on the beach” Jordan tried to stay positive.
“Yeah, Becca picked it. I don’t think she would be happy if she knew there was another woman in her house.”
“Well I think Becca would be happy that I made sure you got home safe every night for the past two months or whatever.” Jordan couldn’t help herself as she sharply replied to Brian’s blow.
This statement made Brian very confused. He did wonder how he managed to find his way home every night when there were countless of times he ended up waking up in the middle of the street or even in a jail cell.
“That was you?!” Brian stopped in his track. He used to see Becca’s face every night thinking that somehow she was looking out for him from the afterlife. He wasn’t sure exactly what he believed; if it was just the thought of her or her ghost was lingering but it was one of the many reason he drank so much. So when he found out it wasn’t Becca, Brian couldn’t help but feel disappointed that he didn’t have a connection with his dead wife.
“Yes Brian, so whilst I’m here trying my hardest to make sure you’re okay and that you get your shit together I’d appreciate it if you weren’t such a goddamn dick to me. Seriously stop pushing me away I’m here to fucking help you.” Jordan had raised her voice at him, her feistiness was getting the best of her.
“Who said I even needed your help in the first place?!” Brian’s tone matched Jordan’s and now they were facing each other both angry and unable to find middle ground.
“So you think you can stop drinking by yourself?” Jordan put her hands on her hips as she challenged Brian.
“I don’t want to stop drinking!” Brian shouted this into Jordan’s face “I don’t deserve to just carry on living my life as if nothing happened!”
“No, but you can move on and learn to live with it!” They had moved closer to each other as their argument got more intense. “Brian, it wasn’t your fault, it was an accident! They happen all the time, you can’t keep punishing yourself for what happened.” Jordan’s voice got softer the more she spoke and she put her hand on his uninjured arm. Brian flinched at her touch and backed away when he realised how close they were to each other.
“Look, I know you went through some shit too but this is different, okay? Every time I was drunk I saw her, she was there with me every time I fell asleep. She’s my angel.” Jordan’s heart ached as she listened to him. She wanted so much to see him smile but first she needed to make him want to change.
“Have you visited her grave?”
“No it’s too painful.” There was a discrete tear that escaped Brian’s eye. He quickly tried to wipe it away before Jordan could notice but it was too late. Immediately she put her arms around him in a hug, she thought to herself that maybe if she physically held him that he wouldn’t fall apart in front of her. Slowly but surely Brian hugged her back, the physical contact felt nice against his skin. It was a long time since someone hugged him and it made him feel like a worthy human again. As if Jordan knew this, she hugged him even tighter.
“How about we make a deal” Jordan began her proposal when they stopped hugging “we get you all cleaned up and sober and then you visit Becca’s grave and tell her all about how you stopped drinking so that she can be proud of you.” Brian’s eyebrows furrowed. “I know you think you need to punish yourself but if you really think about it you’re punishing her as well” Brian was about to cut her off but Jordan continued “she loved you didn’t she? So do you think she would be happy to see you drinking yourself to death? Would that happy, beautiful woman want to see the man she loved so depressed?”
He hated her for saying this and for talking about Becca as if she knew her but couldn’t deny that she raised a valid point. “I’ll think about it” was all Brian said in response. This was enough to make Jordan do a little happy dance and give Brian that electrifying smile. Jordan was happy to make some sort of progress with Brian, it made her feel like she was good at her job.
They had switched directions and started walking back to the house. Brian was too focused on staring at the ocean and the sun to care for any awkward silences, he missed the beach and he missed surfing. This got him thinking that he missed his old life; hanging out with his best friends, playing music as well as listening to music but most of all he missed Becca and doing even the most simplest of things with her like doing laundry. He knew he couldn’t get her back but maybe he could get his best friends and his band back. Maybe Jordan was right, maybe he didn’t have to punish himself. With that thought an instant pang of guilt hit his body. Of course he didn’t deserve to be happy again…not after what he did.
“How did you get over it?” Brian questioned Jordan, unsure whether he wanted to get into this. Jordan was confused though, she didn’t know what he was referring to. Brian noticed her confusion and elaborated “the guilt. How did you get over the guilt of not trying to help you mom?” Jordan’s mouth formed an o shape upon the realisation and then she cringed from the bad memories.
“Well…I became a drunk. I couldn’t handle the guilt like you right now but then someone helped me the way I’m trying to help you right now. He helped me see that the world is a beautiful place and that things happen that are out of our control. I realised that the same outcome would happen no matter what I tried to do. What I mean is, the world is a ticking clock and everything happens for a reason.” Brian wasn’t satisfied with her answer though “The reality is, is that I still struggle sometimes. It doesn’t just go away but it does get easier and eventually you just have to let go and see that life is worth living.” Jordan tried her best to be honest and still give Brian an answer that would not discourage him from wanting to get better.
“And you’re going to help me see that ‘life is worth living’?” He mocked Jordan.
“Yes Brian, sooner or later you will become yourself again and I will be there every step to support you.” This meant more than she could know to him. He wanted to believe that there was someone out there that would be there for him no matter what and wouldn’t judge him for what he did. He smiled to himself, it was a small smile that required a lot of effort but it was a start towards the journey of recovery. Maybe Jordan was Brian’s saving grace.
“What the fuck are you doing so early in the morning?” he demanded loudly over the sound of the blender with his arms raised in confusion. “Do you not know that normal people sleep at this time?” he further prodded rubbing his eyes of leftover sleep.
“Get dressed” she rolled her eyes as she poured the contents of the blender into two cups and pushed one towards Brian “and drink this.” She gestured towards the thick drink. Brian lifted the cup to his face and cringed at the colour and consistency of it. Nonetheless he drank the whole cup in one go and felt refreshed even though that would be the last thing he would ever admit to Jordan.
“What exactly am I getting myself dressed for?” his anger now faded and transformed into exhaustion even though he did just wake up.
“We’re going for a run!” Jordan replied ever so cheerfully “It’s a beautiful day!” her smile radiated happiness that the house lacked and Brian envied this happiness with all his might. He just couldn’t imagine being truly happy again. Not without the side effect of guilt anyway.
Brian looked down at his shirtless body, the drinking had caused him to gain some weight so the body that was once defined and hard was now softer. But that wasn’t the only thing has changed. He no longer kept up his shaving routine and instead let his facial hair grow; Brian was never a hairy man but his facial hair accumulated enough to form some sort of beard. His hair had also grown and was in need of a trim as well as a proper brush. Brian was just no longer the man that he used to be. Nevertheless he silently obeyed Jordan’s instructions and went to get dressed.
10 minutes later the pair were walking to the beach with the awkward silence following them. Both were indulged in their thoughts about one another but neither brave enough to start the conversation. Brian knew that he needed to get to know Jordan since they were going to spend a lot of time together and Jordan knew she needed to get him to talk in order for him to get better. The morning sun was hot on Brian’s pale skin which gave him painful flashbacks of all the beach days he had with Becca, Jordan noticed the sadness in Brian’s eyes and nudged him.
“Let’s start with some stretches then a slow jog and see how we go” Jordan began to do some basic stretches to warm up with Brian reluctantly copying her.
Quickly enough, Brian was noticeably getting breathless only from stretching and his body was aching. Although he wasn’t really using his fragile and bandaged arm, he thought to himself that it was because of his arm that he was struggling and not because of the negative changes in his life.
“Why don’t we walk today and get to know each other a bit? The sun is too hot for a run” Once again Jordan became fully aware of his physical discomfort so she pretended to look tired and hot in order to make him feel less embarrassed. Brian was thankful for this, the relief was obvious on his face but only for a second until he realised that she was going to interrogate him.
“Do we have to? Can we not just go back home and sleep?” he whined
“Think of it this way; the more you cooperate the faster you will get rid of me” this sounded alluring to Brian so he decided to work with her. Both Brian and Jordan were walking along the shore, the sound of the waves were relaxing to Jordan but were making Brian anxious.
“So you’re a hip hop fan?” His long term solitude had caused him to forget how to have a basic conversation but he was proud of himself for managing to come up with something.
She smiled up at him and squinted at the sun “yeah I love hip hop! I hear you’re in a popular band…” she left room for him to expand hoping that he would start talking about something that he’s passionate about.
“Yeah for now.” Brian replied shortly. His tone was dark and carried a lot of baggage insinuating for Jordan to stay away from that topic.
“Your house is wonderful, I love that it’s right on the beach” Jordan tried to stay positive.
“Yeah, Becca picked it. I don’t think she would be happy if she knew there was another woman in her house.”
“Well I think Becca would be happy that I made sure you got home safe every night for the past two months or whatever.” Jordan couldn’t help herself as she sharply replied to Brian’s blow.
This statement made Brian very confused. He did wonder how he managed to find his way home every night when there were countless of times he ended up waking up in the middle of the street or even in a jail cell.
“That was you?!” Brian stopped in his track. He used to see Becca’s face every night thinking that somehow she was looking out for him from the afterlife. He wasn’t sure exactly what he believed; if it was just the thought of her or her ghost was lingering but it was one of the many reason he drank so much. So when he found out it wasn’t Becca, Brian couldn’t help but feel disappointed that he didn’t have a connection with his dead wife.
“Yes Brian, so whilst I’m here trying my hardest to make sure you’re okay and that you get your shit together I’d appreciate it if you weren’t such a goddamn dick to me. Seriously stop pushing me away I’m here to fucking help you.” Jordan had raised her voice at him, her feistiness was getting the best of her.
“Who said I even needed your help in the first place?!” Brian’s tone matched Jordan’s and now they were facing each other both angry and unable to find middle ground.
“So you think you can stop drinking by yourself?” Jordan put her hands on her hips as she challenged Brian.
“I don’t want to stop drinking!” Brian shouted this into Jordan’s face “I don’t deserve to just carry on living my life as if nothing happened!”
“No, but you can move on and learn to live with it!” They had moved closer to each other as their argument got more intense. “Brian, it wasn’t your fault, it was an accident! They happen all the time, you can’t keep punishing yourself for what happened.” Jordan’s voice got softer the more she spoke and she put her hand on his uninjured arm. Brian flinched at her touch and backed away when he realised how close they were to each other.
“Look, I know you went through some shit too but this is different, okay? Every time I was drunk I saw her, she was there with me every time I fell asleep. She’s my angel.” Jordan’s heart ached as she listened to him. She wanted so much to see him smile but first she needed to make him want to change.
“Have you visited her grave?”
“No it’s too painful.” There was a discrete tear that escaped Brian’s eye. He quickly tried to wipe it away before Jordan could notice but it was too late. Immediately she put her arms around him in a hug, she thought to herself that maybe if she physically held him that he wouldn’t fall apart in front of her. Slowly but surely Brian hugged her back, the physical contact felt nice against his skin. It was a long time since someone hugged him and it made him feel like a worthy human again. As if Jordan knew this, she hugged him even tighter.
“How about we make a deal” Jordan began her proposal when they stopped hugging “we get you all cleaned up and sober and then you visit Becca’s grave and tell her all about how you stopped drinking so that she can be proud of you.” Brian’s eyebrows furrowed. “I know you think you need to punish yourself but if you really think about it you’re punishing her as well” Brian was about to cut her off but Jordan continued “she loved you didn’t she? So do you think she would be happy to see you drinking yourself to death? Would that happy, beautiful woman want to see the man she loved so depressed?”
He hated her for saying this and for talking about Becca as if she knew her but couldn’t deny that she raised a valid point. “I’ll think about it” was all Brian said in response. This was enough to make Jordan do a little happy dance and give Brian that electrifying smile. Jordan was happy to make some sort of progress with Brian, it made her feel like she was good at her job.
They had switched directions and started walking back to the house. Brian was too focused on staring at the ocean and the sun to care for any awkward silences, he missed the beach and he missed surfing. This got him thinking that he missed his old life; hanging out with his best friends, playing music as well as listening to music but most of all he missed Becca and doing even the most simplest of things with her like doing laundry. He knew he couldn’t get her back but maybe he could get his best friends and his band back. Maybe Jordan was right, maybe he didn’t have to punish himself. With that thought an instant pang of guilt hit his body. Of course he didn’t deserve to be happy again…not after what he did.
“How did you get over it?” Brian questioned Jordan, unsure whether he wanted to get into this. Jordan was confused though, she didn’t know what he was referring to. Brian noticed her confusion and elaborated “the guilt. How did you get over the guilt of not trying to help you mom?” Jordan’s mouth formed an o shape upon the realisation and then she cringed from the bad memories.
“Well…I became a drunk. I couldn’t handle the guilt like you right now but then someone helped me the way I’m trying to help you right now. He helped me see that the world is a beautiful place and that things happen that are out of our control. I realised that the same outcome would happen no matter what I tried to do. What I mean is, the world is a ticking clock and everything happens for a reason.” Brian wasn’t satisfied with her answer though “The reality is, is that I still struggle sometimes. It doesn’t just go away but it does get easier and eventually you just have to let go and see that life is worth living.” Jordan tried her best to be honest and still give Brian an answer that would not discourage him from wanting to get better.
“And you’re going to help me see that ‘life is worth living’?” He mocked Jordan.
“Yes Brian, sooner or later you will become yourself again and I will be there every step to support you.” This meant more than she could know to him. He wanted to believe that there was someone out there that would be there for him no matter what and wouldn’t judge him for what he did. He smiled to himself, it was a small smile that required a lot of effort but it was a start towards the journey of recovery. Maybe Jordan was Brian’s saving grace.