Crash Into Me

{Katy’s Point of View}

The air dried my eyes as I laid awake in the small futon bed that I was sharing with Charlie while we were staying at my mom and dad’s. I had tried everything to rid my mind of Matt’s face when he saw me. It was pure joy, but I quickly turned around to avoid the sorrow he would feel as I would reject him.

What pained me the most was that I was being that mom. I never wanted to keep her away, but in my twisted mind it seems that we’re better without him. Or maybe I’m being selfish with my our daughter.

Quietly, I placed the long legs of Charlie from my stomach onto the bed. She was the queen of cuddles and never stayed in one spot while she slept. I prayed she’d stay asleep while I went and tried to figure things out, but it was doubtful.

The wooden stairs creaked while I made my way down them. The kitchen light was already on. My father sat at the breakfast table with his elbows on the table and his head in his hands. A coffee cup sat in front of him.

“Hey dad,” I greeted barely above a whisper, “What’re you doing up?” My dad had seemed a wreck since my pop had been in the hospital.

“Hey, Cup-Kate. I’m just thinking about stuff,” He smiled folding his arms and leaning back against the wooden chair, “What’re you doing up?”

“Trying to figure some stuff out while I eat some ice-cream from the carton,” I laughed walking to the freezer and pulling out the large tub of Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream.

“That’s my girl,” he winked. He picked up his cup and tilted towards me revealing half melted ice-cream, “What are you trying to figure out?”

“Charlie,” I sighed while digging my spoon into the cold gold.

“What about her?” My father asked worried.

“It’s not really her. It’s the relationship I’m depriving her of with her father. I saw him today and I just ran away,” I confessed taking a bite.

“Brett?” he asked confused, not knowing which on of Charlie’s ‘fathers’ I was referring to.

“No, Matt; her real father,” It felt terrible to say my child has ‘two’ fathers. One biological and one who stepped up, but now has stepped down. My mind began to twist again, “I mean Brett ran off and started another family leaving her behind. She doesn’t understand why her dad won’t come see her. I’ve messed everything up for my daughter.” I choked back tears. I deserved worst mother of the year for sure.

“Katheryn,” My father said sternly, “You did the best you could do. It was crazy for a couple years. You can’t get down on yourself. You did what you thought you had to do to keep Charlie safe.”

Tears fell from my eyes slowly and softly, “Thanks Dad.”

“But I’m going to give you my opinion though,” He raised his eyebrow leaning on the table to make sure he had my attention, “You need to let Matt in her life. He didn’t run away. You did. You don’t want Charlie in ten years to hate you because you kept her from her real father. He deserves at least a chance since he didn’t choose this.”

“I’m scared though dad. What if he leaves in a year because his wife doesn’t want him to talk to us anymore and Charlie has to go through hurt all over again?” I tried to talk him out of making me break out of my comfort zone.

“Then tell him up front. This is your one and only time. You mess things up then there you go, it’ll be over – done. It saves you from feeling guilty for never letting Charlie meet her father.” He was right, and I hated it. There was no way I could talk myself out of this.

“Thanks, Dad. I’m glad we had this talk. I’m going to have to let him meet her. I have no idea how to get ahold of him though,” I sighed trying to remember after four years where his favorite places were.

“Well his parents still live around the block. I’m sure they’d love to meet Charlie. Maybe start there,” My head began to throb as I thought of all the new people Charlie would have to meet.

“I guess Charlie and I will stop by there tomorrow,” My hands began to run their way through my hair involuntary as the extra anxiety ran through my body…



The rhythm of my heart could not be normal, as we walked up to the white door with the large glass in the middle. Charlie was quietly holding onto my hand, looking down at her new shoes my mom had bought her. My hand raised to the door and like in slow motion my knuckles knocked against the door.

“Breathe,” I reminded myself.

“Hello- Katy?” Kim, Matt’s mother, greeted with shock.

“Hey Mrs. Sanders,” I smiled trying to hide my nerves.

“How are you baby doll? Come in!” Her smile was wide as she fully opened the door and let Charlie and I enter her home.

“Thank you. I’m doing fine. I wanted you to meet someone,” Charlie still held tightly onto my hand as I pulled her in front of me and placed my hands on her tiny shoulders, “This is my daughter Charlie Marie.”

Kim looked down and covered her mouth with her left hand, as Charlie looked up at her, “She is beautiful.” I began to think if Matt ever told his parents that he had another child. But there was no way that Kim wouldn’t catch on that her eyes were identical to Matt’s, “She looks just like Matt.”

Relief flooded my body, “So you know?”

“Yes, honey. I’ve watched him cry several times over the lost time, that he’ll never get to have back with his first daughter,” I knew where she was coming from, but it still made me angry. Charlie was watching me so I needed to be civil, I needed to be an adult about it.

“I’m so sorry, Kim. I’m trying to make up for it now. I was doing what I thought was the best for my daughter at the time. I know you would do the same if you were in the same situation,” Thanks for my dad’s wisdom last night. His one liners could win anyone over.

“Most certainly. I understand. Just biased,” She laughed, “SO does Matt know you’re taking this step?”

“Actually, that’s why I’m here. It’s been four years. I don’t know where he goes or where he lives. Let alone what his number is.” I sighed, reaching down to picking up Charlie as she tugged on my shirt.

“If you would have been an hour earlier you would’ve caught him. He came and picked up the boys. But I can give you his number then you can go from there,” Kim suggested not seeming to want to push me, which I respected.

“That would be perfect. Thank you so much Kim,” I smiled for real this time. Maybe I could do this…



Charlie roamed the back yard with Luke and James while I sat on the back porch with a well wrote out text message waiting to be sent:

Hey Matt. It’s Katy. I’ve realized that I have been wrong for four years. Every girl needs her father and I don’t want to be that mom that ruins her daughter’s life because she is selfish. I would like to meet with you to talk about the last four years. Val is welcomed of course. I know she is your wife. Afterwards we can meet up with my parents so you can meet Charlie. If you’re interested let me know and we’ll work something out. Thanks

I wanted to erase the whole thing and rewrite it, but I had done that twice and each time it turned out almost identical. Exhaling loudly, I placed my finger on the arrow and lightly pressed the button. My phone made a ‘swoosh’ noise and the text went through…