Psychosis

The ticking from the clock was beginning to get on my nerves after a lengthy silence between Mrs. White and I.

It's not that I didn't want to want to talk to her. I didn't mind talking to her at all. It's just that I didn't know what to say. She asked me.."What's wrong Alexander?"

I didn't know what was wrong. There was a lot wrong with me, that much was easy to see. And instead of answering her, I occupied my mind with everything else other than that question. I focused on her eyes. Pretty green eyes enhanced by eyeliner, although there was a slight smudge from when she forgot she was even wearing it. Her shirt was wrinkled which probably meant she had a little fun with Mr. White before coming here. She was a happily married woman after all.

The dust motes in the air swirled around the different spectrums of light ranging from red to violet and indigo. She couldn't see it. But I could.

She sighed a soft sigh before writing something down on her notepad and pushing her glasses back into place.

"Are you doing the breathing exercises we talked about?"

"Yes.."

"Are you trying to socialize more? Be more open with your parents?"

"I'm practically a butterfly"

"Tell me about your dreams Alexander. In as much detail as possible" She asked me and I looked up at the ceiling and kept my eyes fixated on a ladybug traveling without care.

"They change...sometimes. But I see the same man. Every single time I see him...he always looks so distressed and sad. Whether we are in the cave or in this really big mansion...or just outside. In the forest down by a riverbank. He's always hurting...and I want to help him. But I don't know how to"

"Do you know this man?"

"I feel like I do...But it's just a feeling. I have no memory of him. But when I'm near him, I feel like I've known him all my life"

"Does he have a name?" I squinted my eyes because I had thought of this before. The same name kept coming into my head every time I thought of him.

"I'm not sure. But every time I see him or think about him...I want to call him Christopher. I don't know why. But it just feels like his name is Christopher" My eyes were now following the ceiling fan that was going in slow circles, barely providing a whisper of air. Although we hardly needed a ceiling fan here in Leeds consider it was always cold.

"Does that name hold any type of significance to you? Any that you can recall?" She asked as she was scribbling away on her pad. Probably writing "He's Crazy" over and over.

"Not that I know of. There's a Christopher that goes to my school but he looks nothing like this man. And I don't even talk to him. He's a class clown, that's how I know his name." I heard her hum before crossing her legs.

"You said...Christopher is always in distress..do you know why?" I shook my head immediately.

"No...I mean other than when we are in the cave. Anywhere else...it seems calm and quiet. But he always has that saddened look on his face as if something bad is going to happen or something bad has already happened"

"Cave? What cave?" My legs had gotten uncomfortably numb so I switched their positions quickly and sighed a little. My eyes were starting to hurt just a little from staring at the spinning fan.

"It's a really big damp and dark cave. There's an opening that leads out into the open forest but there's these...shadow people that always block me from leaving...the cave is a scary place" I shuttered at the memory.

"Are you afraid of all caves or just that one in particular?" I chuckled a bit at her question before closing my eyes.

"Just that one...I call it the Devil's Cave. Because of the person who dwells in there...I hear Christopher screaming for me. He's the only one I can hear or see...And when I try to go to him, to help him. I'm always blocked by this massive figure, totally opaque but it's red eyes terrify me...I feel so alone and so empty. Do you ever just lay down and feel the world disappear from beneath you?" Mrs. White hummed in response but I did not look at her.

"It's sorta like that...I expect to feel at peace but seeing the world in total darkness and watching everyone fade away from me...that's what it made me feel like." I ended my sentence with a shiver. I could still feel the damp coldness on my skin from the wet stone walls. It always feels so real to me...Whenever I'm cornered...I can feel the water seeping into my shirt and caressing my skin in a sickly fashion.

"You said you can't see it's face?"

"Yeah...Anyone who isn't Christopher is just a blurry shadow to me. I try to wipe it away but nothing helps" She nodded before taking her glasses off and letting them hang from her neck.

"Sounds a little bit like trauma. Whenever we experience...something terrible in our lives, more than likely our subconscious will try to block the bad memories out. In other words..it seems to be you are suffering from PTSD. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder."

"But I've never been through anything traumatic Mrs. White. That doesn't explain anything or help anything!" I sat up quickly and shot a slight glare at her. She only nodded with a slow blink, seeming to be not affected by my slight outburst.

"I know Alexander. I only said seems to be. Lets relax and talk about another topic" I nodded to her and laid back down, my head resting comfortable on the pillow.

"Tell me...How are things with you and your father Sebastian?" I snorted just a tiny bit.

"Just as strained as before. I get along with mom just fine when she's not in a bad mood. But I can't talk to him. There's just something holding me back. It's like...I can't trust him. I hate thinking of him that way because he's my dad and I love him. But I feel like there's this...wall between us. And he doesn't even make an effort to climb the wall and meet me halfway"

"Have you discussed bringing him in here to have a session?" I started laughing at that point, not even caring that I was the ONLY one laughing.

"You are dreaming the impossible Mrs. White. Mom already tried a few times. He brushes it off because it doesn't matter to him whether I'm sick in my head or not. As long as I appear okay to the public, I could go insane behind locked doors all I want and he wouldn't so much as blink an eye" I ended my rant with a cross of my arms. Just as she was about to say something, her alarm clock went off and she immediately turned it off. She sighed a bit before sitting up straight from her relaxed position.

"Well...that's all the time we have Alexander. I hope to see you again soon and we can pick up where we left off. Instead of your mother asking for you, try asking him yourself. We respond to different situations based on sources. Maybe you can change his mind." We both stood up and shook hands as if we were old friends.

"And if he doesn't change his mind?" For the first time in this session, she frowned. She let go of my hand and clasped hers together.

"Then we try a different approach. I always tell my clients that if one way doesn't work, we look at it another way and go from there. It does get better Alexander, when you are ready for it."

"Thank you Mrs. White...I'll see you next time" She smiled a gentle smile and walked me to her door, opening it.

"Until next time" We shared one last smile before I headed back over to my mom who was already standing up. She caressed my long hair with a soft smile and inclined her head to the door, leaving behind Evergreen until another day.

"How was it?" She asked as we got into the car. I fastened my seat belt before giving her a look.

"As if you weren't listening mother" She smiled a bit, guilty as charged, and patted my leg.

"Your father loves you Alexander. He's just not quite good at showing it. But like she said...it gets better"

But it my mind, it only gets better for certain people.. It's easy to say it when you don't have problems...it's just so fucking easy.