Yourself Clean

As soon as I saw Beth waiting for me, a surge of excitement overtook me. I ran to her, lunging to hug her tightly, and before I knew it, I had unintentionally tackled her to the ground. It was a rather obnoxious display, one that would have made me cringe and probably elicited eye rolls from me if I had witnessed it myself. As we rolled on the ground, the onlookers exiting the train shot us disapproving looks, which made me laugh harder.

Beth was my dearest friend, my sister, and we hadn't seen each other in months due to our hectic schedules. Even seeing her now, we were both here for business, but we coordinated time to hang out while we were both in Boston for the weekend. It felt like fate had conspired to align our schedules and bring us together in the same city.

Beth worked for a major record label, juggling multiple roles within the ever-changing industry; she had to wear multiple hats if she wanted to continue to do what she loved. Beth managed music and radio marketing, hosting and handling artists when they were in her territory, which was a majority of the East coast. She ensured all of her bands were properly promoted, and they were properly promoting themselves. Along with touring and traveling to promote her roster, she was also an A&R manager, always on the hunt for new talent. I was thankful she had the East Coast as her home now, she had lived in Los Angeles for a while, and it was brutal not seeing her as often as I'd liked. I didn't see her much more now, but at least she was closer, so it felt comforting.

She lived in Philadelphia these days, but again, she was rarely home and always traveling. I had tried to convince her to give up her apartment and just live with me so she didn't pay for an uninhabited spot and to selfishly see her more. But, like me, she enjoyed her independence and felt she was positioned perfectly in the middle of her region.

Beth's reason for being in Boston was to work with one of her favorite groups, Second Class Heroes. She had actually been the person to discover them when she was living in L.A., and they were insanely successful. The band had some sort of fan event after a brief hiatus.

Beth's bond with her artists, especially Second Class Heroes, was incredibly strong. She spoke so highly of them, always urging me to listen to their music and wanting me to become a fanatic, which sometimes was a lot, but it was literally her job, so I couldn't be too annoyed with her. Her unwavering support for her bands was undeniable and ultimately why she was so good at her job.

Despite Beth's close relationships with Second Class Heroes, I had never met the members in person. I had seen them in concert before, with Beth sending me tickets or having me with her on nights. I had met many of her artists over the years, but for some reason, the stars never aligned for me to meet Second Class Heroes. Yet, it felt as if I had, as I knew every detail of their lives. In addition to Beth keeping me in the loop with everything on them, they were so incredibly popular and were hard to escape online or on TV. They were absolutely everywhere.

While Second Class Heroes were on the top of the charts and a hot ticket, they were not immune to the perils of having a hot lead singer. Travis Cohen, the lead singer, was the internet's main fascination. People were always interested in his dating life and the people he was seen with. It didn't help that he had been voted "Sexiest Man Alive" by People Magazine recently, solidifying his status as both legitimately attractive and gossip fodder.

The way the fans, including Beth, idolized Second Class Heroes reminded me of my own experience with Bush or Nirvana. However, back then, we didn't have the same level of access to bands, information, or even ways of connecting with our favorite artists. Attending this fan event with her, I was a little intimidated, and it would definitely be an eye-opening experience, witnessing the fans lay their adoration at the Second Class Heroes altar.

Meanwhile, I had traveled to Boston from New York, where I was living, for a conference for addiction professionals. To say we were on the opposite spectrums for what had brought us into town at the same time would be an understatement.

I recently completed my PsyD in adolescent psychology, focusing on addiction studies. After finishing my supervised residency at Mount Sinai, they offered me a full-time position. I was grateful they were taking a chance on me. My regular hours were spent at the adolescent health center. I also picked up shifts in the emergency room whenever consultations or debriefing sessions related to family incidents were needed.

Working with troubled kids was emotionally draining yet immensely fulfilling for me. It kept me feeling alive as I connected with them on a deep level due to my own past experiences. Witnessing their journey to recovery and success boosted me as well.

Beth and I, while our careers contrasted in many ways, she was my other half. Beth was the closest person I had in my life; I would do anything and everything for her. Our unique life experiences brought us closer and, at times, pushed us apart, but our loyalty and deep love for one another remained steadfast. We understood each other even better now that we had grown and matured, and I couldn't imagine a life without Beth by my side as my best friend and unwavering supporter.

Over the last few years, while I had been in school and with Beth's intense travel schedule, we committed to seeing each other as much as possible. It was hard, especially when I finally committed to getting my PsyD; I was the oldest person in my cohort. I felt I had to prove myself even more because of my age and past, so I wasn't great at keeping my promise to make time for her, but when we connected, it kept me going.

Now that I had finished school and had a job, I was trying hard to find balance and make time for the people who mattered. However, it always proved easier said than done, as my job was mentally challenging and often triggered intense emotions. There were days when I needed solitude or additional therapy sessions and meetings to maintain my own well-being.

In comparison, Beth's job, although stressful, was less psychologically taxing. I wasn't saying it wasn't stressful or she had it easy. Still, she had the opportunity to tour with famous musicians and mingle with celebrities, fulfilling her lifelong love for music and entertainment. I also always thought part of the reason she pursued this career and lifestyle was to escape the responsibilities of caring for me. Once I started my journey to sobriety and got better, Beth took this job, creating some distance between us. I understood her motivation and harbored no resentment. She had been there for me during my struggles with addiction, tirelessly checking up on me when I blacked out. I will forever be indebted to her for her unwavering support. Beth deserved to have the career she wanted without being dragged down by the constant anxiety and worry of having a friend that was an addict.

Beth hugged me tighter as we both laughed uncontrollably on the floor. Eventually, I managed to roll over and struggled to my feet, extending a hand to help Beth up.

"Oh my God, I missed you," Beth laughed, tears streaming down her face as she pulled me into her again. I held onto her tightly. I didn't realize how much I needed this hug and to see her till now.

"I missed you more." I sighed. "It's good to know we can still be dumb and fall down without alcohol. Maybe it means we're getting old."

"It means we're fun people, even when we're sober. But let's not deny that booze has helped us handle some falls."

I nodded in agreement, a smile tugging at the corners of my lips. As we made our way out of South Station. "Are you ready to go? I have to pick up the band, and then we have the event. How are your pipes feeling?"

"A cup of warm tea and honey wouldn't hurt to loosen them up, but I'm always ready to belt out some songs."

"Perfect. I can't wait for you to meet the dudes. It's strange that you haven't met them before. You've been to shows with me but never had the chance to go backstage or meet them in person. But now, it's all coming together," Beth said. She called everyone 'Dude,' which I chalked up to her time in L.A., but it had also rubbed off on me. It also sounded like she was plotting something; she could be very calculated. When she had her mind set on something, she would ensure it happened, and there was no room for it not to work out.

I raised an eyebrow, curious about the weird tone in her voice. "I feel like I know them already, thanks to everything you've told me. It's like I've been a part of their journey through your stories."

Beth grinned. "You all will absolutely love each other. And... thank you." Her voice wavered slightly. We both knew there was an underlying purpose behind our hanging out, something she hadn't explicitly mentioned yet. I followed her lead, waiting for the right moment when she felt ready to discuss it. But I also wanted to guide the conversation towards acknowledging the ulterior motive for her wanting me to come up early.

"Remind me, why are they making this appearance?" I asked, trying to keep the conversation flowing and my anxiety at bay. I knew the answer, but hearing the facts told back to me again would help ease my nerves.

"Well, they committed to reintroducing Travis to the stage and easing him back in before heading to the studio next month for the new album. It's basically to generate some press and build anticipation," Beth explained.

"He's been clean for four months now?" I asked, confirming what I knew.

Beth looked nervous, but I also had to be honest with her and get my feelings off my chest, even if she was dancing around the topic. "I'm a little scared, to be honest. I don't want you to take anything I say personally or the wrong way. I also want to make sure you're prepared for this and know I may tell you things you're not ready to hear. I don't want you to be mad at me." I felt so much anxiety and pressure in my chest, like someone was sitting on it, forcing butterflies down my throat. The flutter of the wings tickling my throat and chest without a way to remedy the feeling.

"It's a weird... um, maybe that's not the best wording," She glanced at me as we drove trying to figure out how to describe the situation. I had made it weird and talked about it all too soon on the trip. "I won't take it personally. I asked you because you know how much he means to me and you'd be the most honest. And, maybe he could use more time, but if he's going to stumble, he's going to stumble. Do you think the support from fans is beneficial?"

Last week, Beth called me in a panic and crying about this event and Travis, the lead singer of Second Class Heroes. She had just gotten into a huge fight with Travis and the label about doing it. Beth thought it seemed too soon for Travis to commit to releasing new music and a new album over the next few months and about this event, to be holding it at a venue that served alcohol. While he was not an alcoholic, she didn't want any sort of triggers or other items that he could use to numb himself at his very first event out of rehab. Beth felt it was disrespectful and made sure the label and radio station knew her feelings. Travis had tried to reassure her that he was fine and that she was overreacting, which caused their blowout and her to call me as soon as she had hung up on him.

I tried my best to calm her nerves and bring her back to a normal anger level. When I answered she actually told me she needed one moment and I could hear her go and scream in her apartment. 'Is he trying to fucking kill me? Motherfucker!' I heard Beth scream at the top of her lungs. I laughed a bit to myself since she couldn't hear me, thinking about her neighbors hearing those expletives echoing in the building at a little after 10pm.

Once I had finally gotten her to a more rational level, she explained the situation. I understood her concerns, one hundred percent. She was not being crazy about her requests or demands, she was trying her best, even if it was at all her job to be managing his sobriety, to be a friend. Beth, when she cared, she cared deeply and she and Travis were best friends. I had been on Travis's side of this friendship before with Beth, and now, it was interesting being on the other side. I had a better grasp than he did of the situation with my recovery and Beth's unwavering support.

"When you come into town...could you come a day earlier and come to this event? Be additional support. Make some observations and hopefully calm my anxiety?" She asked.

"I can be there to support you, but he has a team... He has people specifically hired for these reasons, no?" I knew she was just needing personal support and I was more than happy to be there for her.

Beth took a deep breath on the other end of the line, her voice filled with a mix of frustration and tears. "Yes, he does have a team, but you get me and they way I feel about him and this situation. I don't know if I trust these people, they were not at all concerned about him over committing himself too soon or about the event being in a bar basically... Okay, that's a lie, they had their concerns, but weren't as irate as I am."

"Well, of course, you have over a decade of history together and they just met him." I replied, trying to be careful with my choices in words. "You also have to remember that you can't carry all the responsibility, mostly because it is not your job." I reminded her gently. "It's important for him to learn to navigate these situations with the support of his team., who actually are there to take on this responsibility."

"I know, I know. But it's just hard, you know? I've seen him struggle before, and I don't want him to slip back into old habits. This event feels like a big test for him, and I'm worried about what might happen."

"Totally, I get it. All of your feelings are valid," I wish I could have been with her to give her a hug.

"Like, what are the statistics that he'll now turn to alcohol or another drug?" She was now reaching and definitely spiraling with her worry.

"You're spiraling down a path that is not healthy." I cut her off before she could come up with something else to worry about. "Eventually, he will have to get back into the real world to see if he can maintain his sobriety; whether that's now or a few months from now. It's unavoidable, unless, which I wouldn't put past you, you put him into a safe room." I teased trying, again, to bring her back to reality.

"I really, truly do want to put him in a glass box and protect him. He's been so good, and I think it will stick this time, but I just want to ensure that." She heaved, suddenly sobbing. Beth had moved past anger to be unconsolable.

Hearing her cry like this broke something inside of me. "...I'll come. I'll come to the event," More than anything, I just wanted her to feel supported.

"You will? Oh God, Del, thank you," She perked up immediately.

"It's the day before my conference starts, so I am free. I made sure I had a day between so I could pack and not be rushed." I said sarcastically.

"Del, I owe you. Thank you so much! You're the best!" Beth gushed through her sobs.

"You don't owe me a thing. Let's grab dinner that night, and we can catch up." I suggested.

"It's a date!"

"Can I ask a few more questions? Or would it be too much for you right now?" I needed just a little more information on what I was walking into.

"No, please. Go ahead," Beth sniffled.

"How many fans will be at this little karaoke party?"

"They selected four winners, and each winner can bring four of their friends. They'll be paired with a band member for the karaoke contest. We'll start with a hangout session, where they can get to know their band members, have some pizza, and then dive into the fun," she explained.

"Sounds like fun for the fans. Are they serving alcohol too or is it a dry event? That's all I need to know and I can give you some time to regroup." I reassured her. I didn't want her crying like this, it was killing me.

"Yes, they will be serving alcohol," She sighed heavily. Her level of anger made a little more sense with this bit of information.

"I love you and I will be there for you and however you need me. I will be there a day early and raring to go." I told her. I wanted her to hear how much I loved and supported her.

Now we were ten minutes away from me meeting the Band and Travis. I was getting nervous. "Del, he's gonna like you, I know it." Beth's grip on the steering wheel tightening.

"I'm nervous enough without you driving like you stole something." I teased, hoping she would start to feel more relaxed. "All we can do is see if he exhibits flaggable behavior or opens up to me, which is very much unlikely to happen."

"I know. I'm sorry... Let's catch up on other stuff."

"How's Jesse?" I asked. Beth went through boyfriends like water at times, but she had been with Jesse for about two years and they were very cute together. She was a hopeless romantic.

"Oh, you know... He's good, but our schedules are terrible. I used to enjoy not seeing my boyfriends because of constant traveling. I liked being thoughtful, sending gifts, talking on the phone, and missing them while I was away... But now that I'm getting older, I crave some stability. Or at least, I think I do," she chuckled, loosening up further. She laughed, finally easing up her grip on the steering wheel.

"Beth is growing up," I teased her. She had been on the fence about sticking it out with Jesse, so I am glad that she's looking to actually try and make it work. "Though you don't make it easy for yourself. Maybe try dating someone who's not a musician," I smirk at her.

"I know, I'm pathetic, but I can't help it... occupational hazard. But I really love Jesse, I truly do," she beamed, and her happiness made me smile, even though it also reminded me that I was still single. I was happy, but would love to be able to share my life with someone.

"What about you?" she inquired, as if she could tell I was doing something dumb, which she would classify me hooking up with my ex on occasion as.

"Ugh... Still single as ever. Maybe I should move to Wisconsin or something. It's a million times harder to meet people in the city. Men have so many options and move on quickly..." I didn't want to get into my hookups yet, I'd wait to tell her after the event.

"Maybe you'll meet someone tonight?" she suggested.

"Like a one-night stand? Well... I mean... I could," I replied sarcastically, though the thought briefly crossed my mind before, I dismissed it as too risky.

"Speaking of sexual escapades, Trav will immediately think you're a challenge and want to 'seduce' you with charm... to annoy me. You won't even know it's happening. And don't take that the wrong way, I'd flirt with you too, you're hot." She was serious now.

"Sounds like typical lead singer behavior?" I raise my eyebrow at her.

"Can be. I don't think he does it to be that guy that gets girls. I think sometimes he can forget to turn off what is expected of him, if you know what I mean." She merges off of the highway and onto normal roads on our way to the hotel. GPS gave an ETA of six minutes and my heart started to race a bit with anxiety.

"He is still very much the person I met in a dingey bar in LA twelve or so years ago, but as the band got popular, he kind of carved out a character to protect himself. Travis is complex and has his demons, but I'd also never be able to be friends or support someone that was sleazy. I personally think, he tries to seduce and flirt to get affirmation..."

"He may not think he's worthy, so needs to hear it." I cut Beth off. "I went through a phase like that.... But, I don't know obviously if that's the case with him as well. I don't know him." She smiled at me.

"I just thought you were a social butterfly," she winked at me. She was sometimes uncomfortable with the reminder that I had my own struggles with addiction. I had been a girl that craved praise while on drugs because I couldn't demand or feel worthy of it sober. I didn't want it to be that way, but only when I was high could summon the confidence I desperately wanted to have at all times..

"You called me for a reason, Beth." I reminded her. Beth could ask for this favor, but somehow she was not wanting to acknowledge why I could relate to these scenarios and situations.

Beth generally, never shied away from talking about my past with me, but she hated when she could see signs in others that reminded her of me. I had noticed it before and let it go, but it seemed to be triggering for her and that made me incredibly sad, because the last thing I ever wanted was for her to continually be broken by me and my issues that I'd dealt with already. I just wanted my addiction to become less and less of a memory and for her to not carry it like it happened yesterday.

"You're a psychologist... You're qualified... You talk to people about recovery," she trailed off, speaking in a whisper now.

"And I was an addict... We aren't the same, but I can see some things I did when I was at my absolute lowest point that we have in common. I do hope that counseling can help him to adjust better. And understand the issue causing them to turn to whatever their vice is."

"...You and I have both seen a lot. Many people die from this disease, and you're a poster child of what could be if you get your life together. Make better choices."

I didn't answer her and just stared out the window as we rolled up next to the valet for the hotel. We didn't have time for the deeper conversation that we clearly needed to have, but I'd try and talk with her about it at dinner or when it was just us, alone.

Beth gave me a smile, an unspoken confirmation between us as she got out of the car. She handed her keys to the valet. I grabbed my small suitcase from the trunk and Beth met me on the passenger side of the car.

"Do you need any help with your stuff?" Beth was struggling to pull out a bag from the backseat.

"Nah, this is it," She grunts, finally pulling it through the door. I laugh at her. "Phew," she grins widely. "Thank you!" She says to the valet.

I follow slightly behind her into the hotel and just take it all in. The hotel is beautiful and impeccably decorated. Beth walks like she's been here before and knows exactly where she's going.

"Let's get your stuff dropped off in our room and then we have to meet the band." I had forgotten she had come last night, so she did know where she was going. I wasn't fully prepared for how tight the timing was going to be, but I had promised her I'd be here for her and however she needed me. Thankfully, I had dressed and felt good about my choice in attire to be immediately thrown into the fire.

I dropped off my bags in our hotel room, which was on the sixth floor. The room was nice. I wished I had time to gaze out the insanely large glass windows, but that would have to wait. Beth was anxious and rushing me, which didn't help my nerves either.

We waited outside the elevator bank to go up to the 16th floor and the suite some of the band was staying in. Beth had a hotel card to unlock the elevator so it would actually let us out onto their floor.

I was nervous about observing and reporting; I was hoping I'd have nothing to tell Beth that she didn't already know from his hired professionals. However, meeting the band was what truly scared me and made me nervous. Spending the entire day with them, I wanted them to like me, which sounded so lame, but they were Beth's best friends and I didn't want her to be embarrassed of me.

"Hey, Beth!" a very tall, sturdy man greeted us as Beth let herself into their suite. She smiled and hugged him, while I swiftly caught the door so it didn't smash me in the face.

"I got it," I muttered.

"Del, this is Charlie, their tour manager." She smiled. Beth was in her element and relaxed now, or at least she appeared to be.

I closed the door behind me. "Del, nice to meet you." Charlie said, shaking my hand. I was trying hard to mask my nerves.

"Nice to meet you too. Thank you for having me along for the ride."

"Over there are Travis, Max, Leo, and Brian..." He pointed out all of the band members.

Travis was in front of the windows with an amazing view, on the phone. Max and Leo were sitting across from each other on some couches and Brian was playing on his phone on a chair next to the couch.

"Hi." I waved to no one in particular, feeling awkward. I didn't know if it was me or in my head because I was so nervous.

"Trav." Beth beckoned him over to us, as he looked to have wrapped up his phone call. "This is Del, my best friend you have heard so much about." She beamed.

"I'm sure it was all true..." I smiled and held my hand out to shake his.

"Adelaide?" He smirked and raised an eyebrow at me. He was flirting already.

"That's me," I confirmed my full name. "But I prefer to be called Del."

"Adele?" He teased.

"Only my grandmother calls me Adele." I hated being called Adele - even by my grandmother. She believed I could be cool now, if I decided to go by Adele because people would associate me with, in her words:, 'That British girl that's depressed.' I wasn't sure how she connected that description to being cool, but indulged her.

"Del or Adelaide, if you must." I smiled. Travis was undeniably handsome, and it was easy to understand why women and girls were into him. Yet, in that moment, he was giving off a smooth-talking car salesman vibe. I am sure this act worked wonders on most people and he probably used that to his advantage.

"Trav or Travis, if you must." He grinned at me. He enjoyed embarrassing Beth by flirting with me as she said he would do..

"Travvie?" I had a problem, where I never knew when to back down or well enough to not even engage with a challenge..

"Are you a singer?"

"I mean, maybe there's a reason my grandmother calls me Adele?" I was flirting now. I thought I was too smart to be scammed. Beth told me it would happen and I was too cocky to believe her.. It's exactly as she described; very obvious flirting, but you don't know it's happening either. You get caught up in the charm and want to banter to notice you're flirting back. Damn. He was good.

Travis raised an eyebrow playfully. "Are you saying you're a superstar waiting to be discovered?"

I shrugged, feigning modesty. "Well, I wouldn't say superstar, but I have had dogs start howling along with me, so that must mean I'm at the very least, a star?"

"Dogs never lie," He chuckled.

"I'll be the one to say I found her and get her signed," Beth interjected, putting an arm around my shoulders.

Travis licked his lips, letting out a small laugh as he smiled. "I'll be your number one fan. Front row at every concert, singing along to every word."

I could feel myself blushing and it was taking over my cheeks and face, which made me uncomfortable. I was showing my hand; that I had succumbed to his schtick.

"If you were singing today, which team would you want to be on?" He asked, as if he thought I was going to say his, as he was a singer.

"I've always been partial to the drummer's voice..." He laughed and called over to Max.

"Max the drummer," Travis gave him a pat on the back as he stood next to him. "And the worst singer ever..."

"I'm sure you have a lovely voice, Max." I tried to defend Max.

"Listen, there is a reason I am a drummer and strategically in the back." He shrugged, seemingly confident in his role in the band and didn't seem to mind the ribbing.

Max is tall, maybe six feet and muscular, but not in an obnoxious way. He has shorn black hair, and he has the most amazing blue eyes I have ever seen. He's dressed casually in a tight white v-neck t-shirt and loose-fitting dark denim jeans. He's super handsome too.I'm trying not to stare. I had a better understanding of why Beth enjoyed her job and ended up dating musicians.

"My mic is leveled for the audience's pleasure" Max quipped and I laughed. As I was laughing I could feel before I saw Travis's eyes on me. He kept eye contact, but it's too much and I have to break it. Did he find out I was an addict and he was hoping I'd come clean to him? To trauma bond? Beth said she never told him I was an addict because it's my story to tell. I wasn't sure what the feeling I was feeling was, but I couldn't help but feel self-conscious.

"Well, knowing what you know now, I'm willing to take pity on you. You can be on my team." Travis smiled, I think he assumed I'd be clamoring to jump Team Max and join him.

"This is all a hypothetical scenario as I'm just tagging along with Beth, but I am sure you would have no problem finding people to be on your team." I eyed him and felt nervous and intrigued at the same time. His face changed a bit when I turned him down, but I wasn't sure why exactly. Was he truly surprised by my choice or did he just always get his way?

"Well, I guess I'll have to up my game then," he replied, his voice tinged with a hint of determination.

"Good luck. Team Max!" I held up my hand to give Max a high five. Max was loving Travis not getting what he wanted.

"Team Max," Max replied, smacking his hand to mine.

Charlie gathered everyone together after that so we could be loaded into a car and taken to the event. I was the last to get in the SUV, I wanted to just let everyone else take their places, as I'm sure they wanted to be all next to each other and not some stranger and one more person meant someone had to sit in the passenger seat.

I offered to sit up front, but Charlie wouldn't let me. I got in and sat next to Beth, who was sitting next to Leo. The other three were in the very back row. Everyone was engaged in conversation and I felt like the odd one out, as I had zero context to any of their stories. It was always annoying, but easy to fall into the trap of forgetting not everyone knew your inside stories. I just tried to look content and as if I was listening.

"I'm sure Del loves this conversation," Brian interjected and laughed.

"It's being well told, but I have no idea what you're all talking about," I laughed.

"We are nothing but great auteurs," Travis said. I turned in my seat to look at him as he spoke. It was an intense locking of the eyes and it made me flustered. What had I gotten myself into?