Yourself Clean

"Del, how was the conference?" Gina, my friend and colleague, greeted me as I strolled into the hospital lounge

"It was great, but I'm so tired. I had a few late nights and then the early travel exhausted me," I replied, stifling a yawn before plopping down on the couch.

"I wish I could have gone, but I could get no one to take the kids for the weekend." Gina lamented, stepping away from the coffee machine and settling into a chair across from me.

"I wish you could have been there too. It was informative, but having a friend there to make fun of some of the insane people there would have been great." I said, stretching out on the couch.

"Oh, I am sure there were some intense people there. If only my husband didn't work at the fire department, I would have left the baby there and gone." She laughed.

"Do not give away that, baby! He is the most precious thing I have ever seen." Her son, Felix, was the most perfect-looking baby I had ever seen. Gina also had a 3-year-old daughter, Alma, who was her spitting image and had crazy curly hair. Whenever I saw Gina's kids, it made me want one of my own for a moment. But I had just finished school, gotten this job, and my life together; I needed a few more years, and then we would see where I was.

"Did you get to see your friend, Beth?"

"Yes, I saw her, and it was great to catch up. I got to be cool and hang out with one of her bands — Second Class Heroes." I told her and couldn't help but smile thinking about it all.

"Alma loves their song 'One Last Call,' she dances every time it comes on the radio." Gina laughed. "Is he as hot in person–the lead singer?"

"Travis? Yeah, he's okay." I could feel my cheeks getting hot. I wish I could control my blushing.

"So, yes." She teased, wiggling her eyebrows at me.

"Fine, he's very handsome." I sighed, admitting it out loud. Travis Cohen was undeniably a good-looking man, but he was also kind hearted, modest, and funny.

Since Thursday night, I had fantasized he would ask Beth for my number and contact me when he got into town. I didn't want to ask her if he had and seem like a groupie and he wasn't supposed to date this soon into his sobriety. But, if he had asked for my number I assumed he'd have texted me by now, but he was a celebrity, and I am sure asking Beth for my number was not on his list. Maybe our conversation wasn't as magical as I had made up in my mind. It was a nice brief night out, and that's all it was. I was just another face in the crowd.

"Didn't he just get out of rehab? Did you offer our services?" Gina asked dramatically.

"I recommend you, of course. He will surely be in and asking for you by name." I smiled at her and checked my phone for the 100th time today, not even entirely sure what I was actually checking for and hoping to see.

"Shit, I gotta go. My 11 O'clock will be in soon." I said, getting up and making my way to my session room to ensure everything was prepared.

Joanie was my 11 o'clock appointment. The court had mandated that she see me once a week. She was a smart, pretty 16-year-old with a sharp tongue and associated with a less than desirable crowd. Joanie had a long history for a 16-year-old, she had been in and out of court and in juvenile detention since she was 12.

Her mother was a crack addict, and they had experienced a tumultuous life, constantly moving in and out of shelters. A few months ago, Joanie's mother secured an apartment, but tragically after only two weeks in their new apartment she overdosed. Joanie discovered her body. Witnessing her mother's death, obviously, has had a profound impact on Joanie, and that's when her behavior took a turn for the worse.

Together with her boyfriend, Joanie started breaking into apartments and vandalizing them. One night, after breaking into a place, they decided to set it on fire. They were caught in the act, and her boyfriend shifted all the blame onto Joanie. As a result, Joanie became a ward of the state. The authorities hoped that if she attended counseling and stayed out of trouble, they could keep her out of jail. They were also searching for foster parents who could provide her with a stable environment.

We were only in our second week of counseling, but I was hopeful that Joanie would soon feel comfortable with me and begin her journey towards a better path.

"Hi, Ms. Roark," Joanie groaned, knocking on my door. Her liaison nodded at me and positioned themselves outside the door.

"Hi Joanie, how are you?" I asked, motioning for her to come in and take a seat.

"I'm aight. Just hate being here." She replied, reclining on the couch.

"Why do you hate being here?" I settled into the chair opposite the couch and activated the recording feature on my phone. I preferred recording our sessions instead of hurriedly jotting down notes, especially since Joanie tended to question everything I wrote.

"It's fucking lame. They want me to talk to you about my feelings and shit, and it's not gonna happen." She retorted defensively. I understood her resistance, but I hoped to make some progress with her.

"I don't need you to talk about your feelings," I assured her. "We can talk about whatever you want to talk about."

"I don't want to talk. Can I just take a nap for an hour?" Joanie asked, lying down on the couch completely.

"Well, you can't do that, but why don't you tell me how you're doing? How's the new living situation? I just want to make sure you're comfortable and all." I said, trying to find a point of connection.

"I have a lame fucking roommate. She's always trying to get me in trouble and, like, one up me and shit. But it's better than a shelter."

"What's she trying to get you in trouble over?"

"Saying I stole shit from her. Bitch doesn't even have shit. I don't want to steal from her." She was growing increasingly frustrated with her roommate's actions.

"Did you tell her you didn't steal from her?"

"Are you serious?" Joanie looked at me, sitting up and visibly angry. "Of course I did, but she doesn't... doesn't believe me. I'm tryin' to stay cool. I don't want to go to jail; I'm not that dumb. I know I don't want that." She said, relaxing back into the couch, legs spread wide.

"Well, that's good. You're trying to stay out of jail." I said with a smile, injecting a hint of sarcasm to lighten the mood.

"What the fuck do you know about my situation, anyway? Why am I with you? You don't know my life." Joanie lashed out, making it clear that she didn't want me involved.

"Oh, I do know about your life. When I was sixteen, I constantly found myself in trouble. I battled a heroin addiction, so... I understand a little about what you're going through," I admitted.

"Did you ever find your mother dead from an overdose?" Joanie asked, raising her voice.

"No... I know nothing about that, but I did overdose twice and came close to dying. I also had friends who died from overdoses. I was lucky. I can't fathom what it's like to discover your mother dead..." I confessed, hoping she might open up to me.

"Part of me is relieved she's dead..." Joanie's voice became small, as if she surprised herself by uttering those words. "I was getting exhausted."

"I can only imagine how tough it must have been, taking care of your mom when you were just a kid. It must have been a tremendous burden," I empathized, feeling for Joanie and her difficult situation. She needed to find some peace and a better path for herself.

"I had to take care of her all the time, watch over her at night, witness her coming home a mess... if she even came home," Joanie explained.

"So, you went out and did your own thing, just to avoid seeing her like that? But didn't you still have to take care of her?" I asked, cautiously probing for more information.

"Yeah, pretty much... I went out and had fun like any kid would," Joanie replied, readjusting herself on the couch to sit on one side, propping her feet up on the table in front of her.

"But why engage in activities that would get you into so much trouble?" I questioned, trying to understand her mindset.

"It was fun," she shrugged. "Why not?"

"Because, jail?" I laughed lightly, hoping to lighten the vibe.

"I'm staying out of jail. I have a year and a half left, and then I'm on my own. I just want to be on my own. No one is going to come for me." Joanie asserted defensively.

"Don't you want to have any family?" I asked cautiously, not wanting to scare her off but still hoping she would continue sharing.

"Nah... who wants a sixteen-year-old anyway? I'm old now, and no one wants me," She stared me down, unyielding. I couldn't tell if she was trying to intimidate me or testing my willingness to help.

"You might be surprised. I'm sure there are many people out there who would be willing to lend a hand. You need to think more positively," I encouraged her, mindful not to come across as overly optimistic but knowing that a positive outlook could make a difference.

After that, Joanie shared very little with me. She shut down and became defensive for the rest of our session. However, I caught a glimmer of hope. I was excited about our next session and began preparing a list of questions to delve deeper into her story.

"I'll see you next week, Joanie!" I told her as I walked her out to meet her liaison.

"See you next week, Joanie!" I called out as I accompanied her to meet her liaison.

"Hey, Del, you've got a visitor!" the receptionist, Jenn, shouted from her desk as I stood in my doorway, watching Joanie walk away. I wasn't expecting anyone, and my heart raced with hope, it was unrealistic to think though, that it could be Travis, as if I lived in a movie. But in reality, if he did show up, it would border on stalking.

"Hey..." Sean waved at me, entering my field of vision. A sense of disappointment washed over me, though I knew it was irrational. Nonetheless, it was good to see him. I approached him with a smile, suppressing my slight disappointment at his not being Travis.

"Hey, what brings you here?" I asked, hoping he didn't hear any disappointment in my voice.

"Wanted to see if you had time for lunch, but if not, I brought you a London Fog." He smiled sweetly, handing me a large hot cup.

"Is everything okay?" I asked nervously. Since our breakup almost two years ago, Sean hadn't spontaneously dropped by my workplace for coffee or lunch. This unexpected visit made me apprehensive that something might be wrong.

"Of course. I was just in the neighborhood and thought I'd stop by. It's been a while." He was outright lying; he had no business in this area.

"We both know you weren't in the neighborhood," I said, taking a sip of my tea. I had needed a caffeine boost.

"You're right, but... I missed you, that's all. I wanted to see you." I waited for him to elaborate, to reveal the reason behind his visit, it couldn't just be that he missed me. I had mixed emotions about Sean. I missed his friendship and the fact that he knew everything made things a lot easier. But, then I had to figure out how to navigate the complex dynamics of our post-breakup relationship without leading him on.

"I don't have an appointment until 3... if you want to grab something to eat quickly?" I offered.

"Definitely. I'm starving." There was something different about him. He was grinning ear to ear. He was light, like when I had first met him.

Sean's presence and happiness gave me butterflies in my stomach and made me nervous; I wasn't used to seeing him like this anymore. Lately, I have just been seeing him naked and late at night. Though to think about it, he has been staying over here and there and has been extra nice to me. Was this just the ex-boyfriend Spidey sense? When an ex knows you're about to move on, they suddenly come back to just say, "What's up?" but it really is just them seeing if there is any chance left.

"Sean... what's going on?" I asked as we walked towards the elevators.

"What do you mean?" He took a sip of his coffee and turned to face me as we waited for the elevator.

"You know exactly what I mean. Why are you showing up at the hospital? You only reach out to me after hours." I tried my best to keep my tone calm and composed. I wanted to understand the motive behind this unexpected gesture.

"I know, and that's not fair." He began, and we stepped into the elevator together. "I realize I messed up our relationship, and whatever we have now... I can't just let you go. I'm not saying I want to get back together." He laughed, observing my likely astonished expression. "I just miss you, us... in a platonic way."

"Alright... good. It scared me that you were attempting some grand gesture..." I said sarcastically, rolling my eyes at him.

"The time for grand gestures has passed. I'd need to move mountains and more to even think about winning you back, but I can't bear the thought of losing you completely." His tone turned serious. I wanted to laugh because I was so taken aback and unsure of how to react.

"Sean. Are you serious? This isn't a joke, right?"

"Sadly, no." Sean smiled and glanced down at his shoes, avoiding direct eye contact.

"What prompted this?" I was stunned by the events currently unfolding in front of me.

"I had been thinking about it for a bit, but was not sure how to tell you... And then I was hanging out with Jared and Katie and somehow they started talking about that trip we took to Philly and how you had planned and picked the best places. It just got me, I guess." He stuttered and fumbled over his words, clearly more nervous than I thought.

"We can give it a try... as friends." As we reached the ground floor, I linked my arm with his. I missed him and our friendship, but I couldn't be with him. After he cheated on me, I wasn't sure if I could fully trust him again, but I was willing to forgive as much as I could.

"I know our situation is shitty. I've apologized a million times, and hopefully, over the last five years we've known each other, you've seen how much I care about you. And how truly sorry I am." He placed a hand over mine, holding onto my arm tighter as we walked through the lobby.

"Are you dying? Why are you... why are you doing this?" I was so confused. He had apologized profusely and had done everything in his power to show me he was sorry, which made it harder to stay mad at him even though I was so hurt. One night about six months ago, he called to meet up. He got drunk, and one thing led to another. We'd text each other every few days or weeks to hook up, but I didn't think it meant anything. It was just hooking up.

"Do I have to be dying to tell you how I feel? I was never the best communicator in our relationship, but I'm trying now."

"Trying for what? I thought you didn't want to get back together?"

"I know you wouldn't give me a chance, so I'm gonna have to deal with being friends." Sean wanted more.

"Friends, I can do... Well, try. It's been two years. I can try to let go more."

"I just don't want to bring the same energy to the friendship. I want to communicate and show you I've changed. I've been doing the work."

I looked up at him as we walked to the café down the street. It was almost automatic that we headed there. It was the place we used to go to all the time when I was in my fellowship.

"This is all so new and out of the blue, so I'm sorry for my reaction...If I was a little harsh," I apologized for being a little demeaning.

"Nah, I expected it. I know you and know it's not totally mean spirited," He laughed.

"We cannot hook up anymore."

"Obviously."

"Good, just wanted to make sure we're on the same page," I replied, relieved that he understood the boundary I was setting.

It was liberating to finally establish that boundary, but it also meant letting go of the sex, which had been so convenient.

We entered the cafe and found an open table. We settled into a corner booth, facing each other, our hands both still on the table. The silence lingered between us for a moment before I spoke up, breaking the tension.

"So, what does this friendship look like for you?" I asked, genuinely curious about his intentions.

He took a deep breath, contemplating his answer. "It's a strange feeling for me, but I miss just talking to you and feeling like I can tell you anything without fear. I think I used to be that person for you too, at one point anyway. I want to have fun and joke like we used to. And maybe, with time, rebuild the trust we lost. We were friends before anything."

His words resonated with me, and I couldn't help but feel sad and nostalgic. We were friends, very good friends before we dated. Maybe that's why we ultimately ended up dating, our closeness as friends? It couldn't be fully, I was attracted to him and enjoyed our physical closeness. Perhaps, amidst the wreckage of our past relationship, a new bond could emerge.

"We were good friends and you were the person, aside from Beth, that I confided in."

"Beth above all others, tell her that." Sean interjected with a smile.

"I'll be sure to tell her and then she'll read me the riot act for even considering a friendship with you," I laughed uneasily.

We quickly ordered little bites, I got another tea and Sean ordered another coffee, to have the waiter leave so we could finish our conversation.

"I know she hates me and I won't blame you if you decide not to see me. She's a powerful force and has way more history with you than me."

"She is something," I smirked. "I need to figure out how I can trust you again. I know I don't have to worry about cheating or anything again, but it's more the lying. I don't want to wonder about that with you."

"I understand. I know I'm ambushing you with all of this... I'm not asking for a concrete answer Del, but to at least consider it." Sean reached for my hand and held it loosely.

"I'll take it into consideration," I squeezed Sean's hand and then pulled my hand back.

A smile crept across Sean's face, relief evident in his eyes. "Good, that's all I wanted to hear... today, anyway." I smiled back.

My heart raced with conflicting emotions. I honestly wasn't sure I should even be entertaining the possibility of rekindling a friendship with Sean. I had a decision to make, but I needed the space to unravel my own feelings before I could bring any of this to Beth. I know that once I told Beth she'd have a lot to say. She was once a huge supporter of myself and Sean, but after we parted ways she hated him, for obvious reasons, but mostly because I was her friend. For now, I would keep this to myself, till I was absolutely sure of my decision.

We finished our drinks and left the cafe. We stood there in silence for a moment on the sidewalk and then Sean leaned in to give me a hug— It felt nice. But, I also felt the weight of having to make a decision. It felt like I had to choose to be his friend or nothing at all, which would be very hard, as I still lived in the apartment his family owned.

"I should get back to work," I said, breaking the silence.

Sean nodded understandingly. "Yeah, of course."

"I'll call you soon, I promise," I reassured him.

"Thanks for talking with me and not calling security on me," He laughed

"Well, I figured security would have a hard time dragging you out, and then I'd have a lot of people asking me questions, which would be annoying." I said sarcastically.

"I would have charmed my way out of them hauling me out like a stalker." I laughed. Standing there with Sean, talking instead of using each other for sex, made me realize that despite everything, a part of me still cared deeply for him and missed our friendship.

As I walked away from Sean, a sliver of me thought about just going back to the way things were because it would make life so much easier. Sean knew everything about me, I wouldn't have to put myself out there and be rejected once again, after I told someone I was a recovering addict. I wouldn't have to go back into the dating pool, which was very dismal and depressing. I know going back to being in a relationship with Sean would only be a temporary escape from the realities of dating and the reality that I couldn't be with him again. I did deserve, even if it would be a depressing road, a new start.

I made my way back to the office and couldn't stop thinking about Sean. The way he had shown up out of the blue and how honest and open he was with me. It was refreshing to hear him be so honest, but also caught me off guard. I had a lot to digest.

My shift ended at seven and I headed home to let my mind race with thoughts. I wanted to call Beth so many times today, but I needed to be smart and to think it through before involving her. But, I also wanted to involve her, she helped me think things through. To her credit, while she hated Sean, she was usually pretty good at giving advice.

I entered the apartment, kicked off my shoes and flopped onto the couch. I was not good left alone with decisions like this and tended to force myself to make a decision as soon as possible. I wasn't patient or good at mulling things over for a bit. My phone buzzed on the coffee table, I picked it up to find a text from Beth, could she sense I was in a spiral and needed her?

Beth: What's up? How was your day?

Me: Weird and strange day. You free to for a call?

Beth: Yes, I have an hour or so before my band plays.

I pressed on Beth's contact information and called her. I was nervous to lay this situation out to her.

"Hey, girl, hey," Beth answered cheerfully. "Tell me all about the weird."

"I am trying to process what happened today. I was going to try and figure it out and then let you know. But, I need you." I said quickly. "Sean showed up at my work and wanted to talk and wants to be friends and I don't know how I feel."

"That does sound like a weird and strange day. What exactly did he say?" She was calm and even, which kind of scared me. I was expecting her to be annoyed with the situation.

"He said he missed our friendship and that even before we dated, we were friends. I told him I'd think about it, but friends would be the only thing I could do and we could no longer hookup." I could hear Beth's breathing, it wasn't a sigh or a huff, but there were definite emotions behind it.

"Okay..." Beth was speechless and I was scared. "Why consider being his friend again?"

"We did have a really good friendship. We were all really good friends until we decided to date." I tried to remind her.

Beth paused for a moment before responding. "I know, and I remember those times. But things changed - he hurt you. He could have just broken up with you."

She was right. Sean had hurt me. "You're right," I admitted, my voice filled with a mixture of shame and guilt. "But, I just have been enjoying time with him lately...yes, it was mostly involving sex, but we hung out too and I missed talking to him."

"I understand that you miss the friendship, but are you sure you can trust him not to be lying to you about his intentions?"

"I know my intentions. I don't want him romantically, though it would be so much easier." I laughed.

"I get that - dating is awful. But, you could be friends with so many other people."

"I know... I am sorry I brought this to you."

"Stop, I'm sorry I came off harsh. I just want to make sure you're being smart and not settling because you're lonely or don't want to deal with rejection." She quickly reassured me.

"I understand where you're coming from, but it's not like we are going to date... I'm not afraid of being alone or dating, I just hate it," I laughed.

"I just don't want you to get hurt again by trusting him. I know you're better equipped now, but you still don't deserve it."

I was feeling more conflicted than before. "I know, and I appreciate you more than you'll ever know. I just am a sucker for giving second chances."

Beth sighed. "Del, I want you to be happy, and if being friends with Sean makes you happy, then I'll support you. But, I'm not sure he's worth it."

"You know I come to you for your brutal honesty, even if it is often brutal," I teased her. "You make me think things through more than I would have. Maybe I am just lonely, but I did feel good talking with him..I'll let you know what I decide."

"I support you no matter what. What about dating a musician? I know some hot single ones.." I felt like she was trying to bait me into asking about Travis. And truth be told, I did want to ask about him. I delusionally wished to know if he ever thought of me when he came to New York.

"Okay, you can send me some pictures," I conceded.

"But seriously, take your time with Sean. Don't rush into anything just because you miss the familiarity."

"I won't. I love you, thank you for listening to my crazy ass. I will let you go and listen to your band. I'll call you later this week.

"Love you too. Always got you, girl." Beth said lovingly and hung up.

I had a decision made up and I needed to call and tell Sean of my choice, but I'd wait till the morning to do that. I didn't have the energy to talk to anyone else tonight.

I waited until about eleven to make the call to Sean. After a few rings, his voice greeted me on the other end.

"Hey," I tried to steady my voice. "I've been thinking a lot about what you said yesterday,"

"Hi. What have you been thinking?'" He asked, letting out a small laugh.

"First, I want to tell you I appreciate you coming to me and being honest. I want to be honest with you too," I took a deep breath, feeling nervous yet relieved to share my thoughts. "I'm not ready to dive back into a friendship and act like nothing happened. But, I think we can get there, but I need to lay a few things out."

Sean sighed. "I understand and I'm here for you whenever you're ready." His voice had a hint of disappointment.

"I need to move out of your apartment. You don't hold it over my head now, but I never want it to be...even if you don't think you ever would. I just don't want it to be on the table as a weapon at all." I said firmly and there was a long pause.

"You there?" I asked hesitantly.

"Sorry, I never want and I'd never think to make your living situation ever be a source of tension or control. I'm sorry if it ever felt that way. I understand. I will support you however you want, always. If we are going to try and rebuild, then I want you to feel completely free from any lingering strings."

"This is why I'm even entertaining rebuilding a friendship with you. You're a thoughtful, kind, and reasonable person, Sean. I just think it will help us, if we are truly going to start over."

"Whatever makes you happy, Del..." Sean sounded relieved after I mentioned that I still wanted to truly start over.

"Well, I'll start searching soon and I appreciate you." I was reinvigorated.

"Thank you, Del... I promise you, I won't let you down again." It had been two years since we broke up. When Sean told me he had been cheating on me. And every single day since then, he had apologized sincerely, but I couldn't fully accept it. But something about the way he said it now, it felt like it was finally clicking. Sean really was sorry for what he did. My ego and inability to let go had pushed him away without a second thought. That's why I wanted to rebuild our friendship. We deserved a second chance to have each other in our lives.

"I know you won't." I smiled to myself as I hung up. It felt like I had closure on the situation. And maybe I was ready to date again, if I could find someone like Sean who accepted me for all that I was, then there had to be another person out there that would accept me just the same.