Yourself Clean

After Travis left my apartment, emptiness, embarrassment, and self-disgust engulfed me. The realization of my actions hit me like a ton of bricks. It was deplorable, the way I had spied on him, reported his red flags to his team, and kept my own past hidden. And for what? Money? Why hadn't I quit and left? I felt like I didn't have a choice, but I did. I had put myself in a corner where I was worried about letting so many people down.

My past scared me the most to tell him, honestly. Because if he had known upfront, I am an addict, I was positive we would not be in this position. He would have been turned off by me and not given me a chance romantically. Most people I'd encountered treated me like I was fragile, someone to be friends with but not romantically involved with. It's why I had avoided dating altogether – the constant rejection was just too much to bear.

My addiction was never something I led with, but once I told someone, they inevitably petered out in their desire to continue talking to me. I constantly debated when and if to tell my partner, but my addiction was a significant part of me, and I couldn't be with someone who didn't fully understand who I was. Even if it meant he might reject me, I wanted Travis to be someone who knew me fully.

The entire week at work was a struggle as I couldn't stop dwelling on the awkward moment in my kitchen with Travis. I kept replaying it in my head, regretting how I had reacted. I should have let him kiss me instead of pushing him away. I regretted not kissing him.

As Beth's birthday party approached, Travis remained silent—no texts, no calls, no FaceTime. I obsessively checked my phone, hoping to hear from him. I couldn't bring myself to text him either; I was at a loss for words.

I couldn't pretend that nothing had happened this time. I couldn't pretend I didn't want him to kiss me that night and every other time he had tried. Travis had tried to kiss me before and I was able to gently work my way out of it being awkward, but this time felt different. His silence said everything; it felt like I had missed my chance. I had pushed too far, and even if I had mustered the courage to tell him about my past, he was already gone.

If I had kissed Travis, I don't think I could tell him how I actually felt either; my financial situation was at stake—I needed to fulfill my responsibilities for the contract to get rid of my college debt. I was being selfish, jeopardizing something potentially great, just to have a little money, but this would mean a real fresh start for me, an independence I had never known and that was very hard to let go of.

During the week, I held on to two things to keep me going: Beth's birthday party; she was known for having pretty memorable and fun parties, and the final week of my contract with the label. The payment would set me free from financial burdens and allow me to explore something potentially romantic with Travis.

The only thing I knew for certain, was I couldn't tell Beth I was in love with Travis. I didn't know how she'd react and I didn't want to put her in any awkward situations until I had a better idea of how Travis felt. She didn't need to know anything unless there were mutual feelings. But, I wasn't able to read her reactions when I told her he had tried to kiss me. I didn't want to tell her, but I just started telling the story because she was my friend and then realized she didn't need to know this information. But the two times I mentioned it to her, she seemed a little opposed to him and me. I didn't think it was jealousy or anything like that fueling her response, but it still made me feel tentative about telling her anything that could potentially overstep the boundaries of a platonic relationship. I also wasn't jealous because they were like brother and sister together and I was sure, if she had wanted to try anything with Travis, she would have already; they'd been friends for over eleven years. I never felt like I had to hide anything from her, but this felt like something I could only tell her if it worked out in my favor or was a colossal fail; anything in between would just be complicated for us both.

Thursday came around, and I was still anxious and down from not hearing from Travis and my major choke. I took the train to Philly on Thursday morning. Beth wanted me to come a day early to hang with her and a few of her friends at her place. She knew the reality of such a large party. She couldn't spend time with us as she floated around and mingled with her guests, so she wanted a night of dedicated time.

I felt anxiety over seeing Travis, especially since he hadn't been in touch and now that I was free. I needed to shake the nerves and anxiety and be present for Beth. I set my stuff down in Beth's living room, in a corner out of the way. She was in the kitchen cutting up stuff for lunch.

"How are you feeling, birthday girl?" I asked as I walked into the kitchen.

"So, I just got a text from Travis that he may not be coming tomorrow. Apparently, he is here. He said he may have something work-related. I would most likely know about that if true. Charlie was also clueless. Travis won't pick up my call. Have you talked to him? I'm worried." Beth rambled anxiously.

"I haven't talked to him. That is weird. Why come early if you think you won't be able to come?" What was up with him? Was it because of me? I immediately felt guilty.

"I asked the same thing. But I can't worry about it, but I do. I need to let it go. He's an adult." She sighed. "I just needed to vent to you to be less anxious. Sorry for unloading without warning." She sounded back to normal.

"You can always vent to me. You deserve to have an amazing party. I'll be there! Travis will be okay." I hoped he was. Beth hugged me, and I held her tight.

We ate lunch together, and I tried to be present, but I was obsessing over why Travis may not come to Beth's party. I knew she would be surrounded by so many friends tomorrow, but I also knew she'd be disappointed if he didn't come. I couldn't let it go. I told Beth I had to make a work call and stepped outside.

I paced in front of Beth's building while I listened to the ringing on my phone, anxious, wanting to have them pick up the phone.

"Hey, Del, how are you?" Charlie answered, cheerfully.

"Hi Charlie, I'm good. You? I assume I will see you at the party tomorrow?" I tried to match his tone and not let my ulterior motives be known upfront.

"You sure will! Can't wait." He was so upbeat. I felt a little better just hearing his optimism.

"What room is Travis staying in?" I asked outright. I didn't want to fake small talk, or I'd lose my nerve.

"619. He's just been in a mood this week. I'm sure he'll end up showing up at the party." He knew precisely why I was calling and asking. I was hoping he was right.

"Oh yeah, I just had something I needed to drop off to him, but he is not answering my or Beth's calls. He better get it together." I fibbed a little and laughed slightly to just lighten the mood.

"Ah..." Charlie didn't believe me. I could tell how he said nothing, but it said so much. "Well, I hope to see you tomorrow!"

"You sure will!" I hung up and walked back into Beth's building and to her apartment. I wouldn't do anything unless I had to, but now I knew where to find him if it came to that.

We had a fantastic dinner and night at Beth's. I left her apartment and went to my hotel for the night. She had gotten a room block as if this were a wedding for all the out-of-towners to stay. I laid out my dress, shoes, and accessories. I was still anxiety-ridden and nervous that Travis wouldn't show up, and I wanted him to show up for Beth. I also wanted him to show up so I could see him and assess the damage I had done to our, at the very least, friendship, but I wanted to see if there was a door for more if I could get it together and admit it to him.

I was able to sleep in and relax a bit this morning. I tried to tap into my meditation skills and not allow for intrusive thoughts, but I couldn't get fully in the zone. The day flew by, and I had to prepare for Beth's party and get in the mindset to be there for her and put aside all of my issues.

I finished my makeup in the mirror and turned my head from side to side to see how I looked. I grabbed my dress off of the bed and put it on. Beth asked people to wear silver and black for whatever reason. I had gone at the last minute to find a sexy dress. My original dress didn't cut it after what happened. I had to look as sexy as possible. I slipped into the dress. It had a very risque cutout top that clung to my body and showed just enough skin, but not too much, with it being so short and my legs on display. I loved how I looked and was hoping for a reaction from Travis if I saw him while in it.

I did a final touch-up and quickly checked my hair in the mirror before gathering my jacket, clutch, and hotel card. I walked down the hall to the elevator and waited. The doors opened, and there were two people already in it. I got in and hit the button for the sixth floor.

I exited onto the floor and walked down the hallways looking for 619. I approached the door and took a deep breath, and knocked. I was sweating. Not seeing or talking to him all week made me even more nervous. I had many scenarios of why he hadn't reached out, even though I knew why. This was not the same as when I avoided his kiss. Had I pushed him too far away? Did I miss my chance? Would he even open the door for me?

"Hi," I said as he opened the door. I felt like I shouted at him because I was nervous and excited.

"You look beautiful...." Travis said in a whisper like he had his voice taken away. I got goosebumps.

"This old thing?" He looked at me like he wanted to touch or kiss me, and I couldn't take that.

"Yes, that old thing...." He stood in the doorway with his shoulder resting on the jamb, blocking me from entering his room. He didn't open the door or move as he looked me up and down.

"I came to check on you... Beth said you weren't going to her party. She's disappointed and sad... but you're here and look dressed for it?" I questioned and gestured up and down to the fact that he was in a beautiful black suit. He finally let me into his room.

"God dammit..." He muttered and shook his head as he crossed his arms.

"What?"

"You like spending time with me, yes? I think you flirt with me. Yet you push me away and then show up looking so good every day. Am I making this up? There's something here, right?" He sounded frustrated but didn't move from where he was standing.

"I dress for me and no one else. And, this is for Beth's birthday–she asked us to dress up." Even though he was correct, I was defensive and annoyed at the insinuation, I did try to look my best around him.

"Are you just fucking with me and testing my sobriety? I like you, Del." He uncrossed his arms and approached me. "You know this... I've tried to kiss you a few times. I wrote songs about you and got your favorite band to perform one of those songs with us- for you." He laughed. He wrote songs? Not just the one?

"Stop," I said and looked him in the eyes. He stopped moving. "Look, I'm here because Beth deserves a great party. Whether you show up is your choice." I met his gaze, resolute. "But, do you honestly think I'd try to fuck up your life like that?... I wanted you to relapse?!" I was so angry. But, more furious with myself for my reactions, pushing him away, apparently made him feel like I was trying to test his sobriety

Travis's expression changed as the realization of my words hit him along with my genuine anger and hurt.

"I'm sorry... I didn't mean to imply that you wanted me to relapse. I didn't mean to say.... It's just, I have no idea where I stand with you. I just feel like you give me so many mixed signals. I'm happy to be your friend if you don't feel the same and I'm just making things up." Travis looked panicked that he had overstepped too much.

"I never intended to mess with your head and would never dream of trying to mess with your sobriety... I like you and I care about you, Travis. I really do. But there are things I need to tell you and once I do, I am sure you will not want anything to do with me." I stepped a few steps backward from him. "And for the record, I am so proud of you and want you to be healthy and sober." What the fuck was I doing? I didn't have to push him away anymore. I wasn't even processing what I was saying.

"I can't imagine what you would tell me that would make me never want to see you again." Travis was stumbling over his words. "I started asking my counselor about dating right after I met you." He walked toward me again. "You're not a goner... you've stuck around, and I could live without you. And, whatever you have to tell me won't set me back either." He smirked.

These are all things you are supposed to consider as an addict before dating. I am sure I looked like a deer caught in headlights.

"You just broke up with Lauren because you didn't have time for a relationship. So why would I want to do that to myself? Also, back to you thinking I was trying to fuck with your sobriety... I don't know what I'd do if you relapsed...." I could feel tears pool in my eyes. I wasn't making any sense.

I never wanted to fall for Travis, but I did. We became close quickly, and there was always an attraction there. The interest went from just physical to all-encompassing. He was all I wanted in a person. He was complex and not wholly his onstage persona; he let me into his world, which felt good. I also felt awful because of what I had been doing to him; I was secretly working for his label and keeping my addiction a secret.

"I hate that my addiction has to be discussed with every decision I make...." He sighed and ran his hands through his hair. I knew that more than anyone. I also knew we were good for each other and bad for each other. Our addictions allowed us a unique, unspoken bond, but he was newly sober, and I didn't want to mess up either of our journeys. His chances of relapsing were much more significant than mine.

"... I broke up with Lauren because I felt like I was with her, hoping to stop my feelings for you." He sighed.

I wanted to tell him everything at that moment, but didn't want to ruin it either. I also wanted him to kiss me. I wanted to give in to him, us.

"Can you kiss me? We can see if we actually like each other. There might be nothing here, and then we can have fun at this party, and then I'll tell you." I rambled quickly. I was being selfish. I wanted to experience a little slice of what it could be like to be with Travis before it all crumbled in front of me later.

"You won't push me away?" He grinned widely as he gently held my face between his hands.

"I promise." His smile was infectious, and I couldn't help but smile back. Travis leaned in, and I could feel his breath on my lips. He hesitated for a moment, giving me a chance to pull away if I wanted to. But I didn't. He pulled me close, and it felt right, and I hated it.

"Was it not there for you?" He asked with a small laugh as he wiped my tears away.

"I wish I didn't feel a thing." I laughed. I was scared. I hadn't liked someone the way I wanted Travis, probably ever. I had buried myself in work and others for so long to avoid this. To prevent a trigger or something that could cause me to break just when I had it all together.

"Please don't cry... I'm sure whatever it is, I won't hate you." He was gentle and wiped the tears that had fallen from my eyes.

Travis leaned in and kissed me again, and I wrapped my arms around his neck and held him tight. He deepened the kiss and pulled my body as close to him as possible. He then carried me to the bed without breaking our make-out session. He laid me down and broke our kiss. He looked down at me and sighed as he stared. I felt shy under his gaze.

"I don't want to ruin your makeup, hair, or dress." He didn't move from hovering over me but looked for me to show him how to proceed.

"So considerate." I teased. "I fear if I don't stop now... We will never make it to the party." I caressed his face and then cupped it with one of my hands. I rubbed my thumb across the stubble on his chin before pulling him down to kiss me again.

Travis kissed me and then gave me a peck before standing up. "Let's go have fun...." He held out his hands to help me up from the bed.

"Yes, let's...." I wanted to be in the moment and enjoy being with him, not think about the situation that would transpire later. "Let me go check myself in the mirror. You also have some lipstick on your face...." I smiled at him and wiped my lipstick from his face.

"Thank you." He smiled, and I went to the bathroom, grabbing my clutch.

I stared in the mirror. My makeup was mostly intact. I blotted off some of my mascara that had stained under my eyes and pulled out some reserved makeup in my clutch to fix up. My lips were a bit of a mess, making me feel giddy inside, but I still had a pit in my stomach about how Travis would react when I told him everything later. They were slightly swollen, which made me excited thinking about why they were, but I still had that feeling of dread.

"Smile, Del, smile. It'll make you feel better." I mentally coached myself in the mirror. I smiled, and it felt good.

I finally kissed Travis, and it wasn't something that fizzled. The kiss had legs and electricity. The tension wasn't all for naught, which was a relief and aggravating. It is upsetting because it would be much easier to keep pushing him away or have no feelings, chemistry, or spark. The kiss confirmed it wasn't all just lust, but there was more there. More than I wanted to explore. Honestly, I didn't know what I wanted to do after the contract ended, but this kiss... kissing decided for me. I just had to figure out the best way to tell him everything without losing him now that I had agreed.

We headed to the lobby, and a car was waiting for Travis to take us to Beth's birthday party. He grabbed and held my hand in the elevator. I smiled at him, and he gave me a wink. As we got to the lobby, there was a bunch of paparazzi. I wasn't super used to this. It wasn't every day with Travis or the band, and when it happened, it was always so hard for me to act normal. I felt a little more protected, though not entirely secure that no one would leak my secret; they had fans who loved investigating every person in their lives. However, since the first day, I met Travis and told the group at the hotel in Boston, I worked with the label, which was not a total lie. But because of that, I was not a threat. All the comments of pictures of us speculating what our relationship was would be:

"Nah, that's just someone from the label."

"I think she's his touring manager or something like that."

"Oh, we all know she works at the label. I don't get why anyone would sell stories about them dating. We've never seen them kiss or hug or hold hands!"

"She's cute, but he deserves hotter, and she is on his team."

While I was happy, they didn't think I was a threat and that I only just worked for the label. I had to stop reading the comments. They messed with my head, and while I knew they were just trolls, saying whatever they wanted and not thinking about the impact, they made me question my worthiness. I didn't even mean to start the spiral of looking at photos and comments about me, but a friend had sent me a couple of links to articles and message boards about our sightings; they thought it was fun that I was now internet fodder. That was the first time I panicked about my past being found out and what caused me to constantly check the comments until I knew it was unhealthy, and I just stopped.

Travis never tried to touch me or cross a line in our times out. But now, Travis held onto my hand as we exited the hotel and got into the car. We were public differently now, or at least it felt that way.

I felt scared I wouldn't get to tell him about my past. The internet is so quick, and I was sure they would dig up dirt on me as soon as the pictures were public. When I was no one, I wasn't as worried- it was at the back of my mind, but fans were different when it was more than a coworker or friend. I would tell Travis tonight anyway, but I couldn't back out now. I had to do it so he heard it from me, not the media.

He ushered me into the car and got in after me, closing the door tight as we took off.

"Do you think they will still believe I am just someone at your label?" I asked.

"I almost hope they do to protect you, but I don't care what they think." He was serious.

"Okay... well, it's all very new that type of attention to me, in terms of more than your label person."

"I can kiss you next time, so they know the deal." He grinned and pulled my hand to have me move closer to him.

"There's no deal...." I whispered.

"Well, yes, you have this secret that you assume will keep me from wanting to know you." He took my hand again and just held it.

"Please don't mention it again...." I wanted to puke with nerves. "I want to have at least one night... as selfish as it is." I stared out the window.

"Sorry. I've sealed my lips for the night. Even when I kiss you in front of Beth." He squeezed my hand, and I blushed.

"Dear lord, what have I done?" I laughed, and he just gazed at me. I suddenly felt awkward.

He just smirked and pulled me in to kiss him. It was passionate and genuine and fantastic. He was an amazing kisser.

"What you've done to me is terrible." He said, pulling away from me and then kissing me again.

"But... not terrible enough for you to stop kissing me?" I bit his lip as we parted.

"That's the terrible part... I don't want to stop." He was genuine as he stared into my eyes.

Traffic was pretty light, and we made it to Beth's chosen location reasonably quickly, a small venue that let her use it for her birthday. It was a bunch of close friends and musicians all dressed up for an enjoyable night of drinking and fun. Beth always goes big for her birthday. I was excited to celebrate.

Travis opened the car door for me and helped me out. He held out his arm, and I took it and walked toward the entrance.

"Travis!" I heard a woman shout; It startled me. I turned to look around and saw it was Kaye Brewer, lead singer of the band Campos. I recognized her immediately. Beth also worked with them.

Every guy thought she was hot and had such an appeal and style that girls loved her too. I also knew she and Travis were more than friendly before I knew him. My palms were sweaty. I was almost jealous too, but I took a deep breath and tried to relax.

"Kaye, hi..." He said in a normal voice. "How are you?"

"You look good. I just... I'm glad... I didn't know you were going to be here. We are all gonna do something for Beth later. Do you want to sing with us like old times?" She flirted.

"Of course, for Beth." I tried to take my arm back from Travis and let them talk. I felt strange. I was always one to introduce myself, but I thought I couldn't now. Travis took my hand and held it between us now.

"Kaye, this is Del." He smiled at me, and I put out my hand to shake her hand.

"Nice to meet you." I shook her hand and was sure she could feel how clammy it was.

"You too. So you and Travis?" She smirked in surprise or disgust. I couldn't tell.

"Yes." Travis was stern with her. "Come see me about the song later. We're going to find Beth." Travis was polite but pointed, and I could feel he was agitated. I squeezed his hand and smiled to let him know I was there.

"Sorry about her... She is a bit much, and we only were whatever we were when I was high, you know that...."

"I know. I am not jealous or anything. I just worry about you...." I stopped walking and looked at him. He was still tense, and I didn't know what had happened.

"You'll worry yourself sick then." He laughed uneasily. I took my hand back and stared up at him.

"Whatever happened... whatever... you've come to this point. You're in a much better place and don't shut me out now." I wish I could have whispered or politely told him all that, but I had to talk loudly over the music.

"I told you a lot of my skeletons... Just don't judge me for the ones you may find down the road, as I remember them... I was not in a good place for a bit." I hoped he'd give me the same concessions he asked me when I eventually told him about my skeletons and Kaye's.

"I only judge you for your disdain for mint chocolate chip ice cream. Shit bothers me." I said seriously, trying to break the tension.

"It's not good." He smiled, and we were back off to find Beth.

"Hey! Happy Birthday!!" I hugged Beth tightly as soon as I saw her.

"Thank you! You look gorgeous!" She scanned me, and I tried to look good.

"Well, thank you, but not as gorgeous as yourself. Spin for me?" I smiled, and she spun in her sparkly silver beaded dress.

"Happy Birthday, Bethy," Travis said as he picked her up into a hug.

"Oh my god, I am so glad you came...." She was beaming.

"Why does everyone here think I was going to miss this?"

"You said you weren't coming," Beth said, and I eyed him.

"I said I may have a thing to take care of that would keep me from being here but didn't say I wasn't coming at all." He reminded her.

"What was the business thing you told Charlie about?" She questioned, not letting it go that he had tried to skip her birthday.

"Well, it was...." He was searching for words, and he sounded nervous. "I didn't want to see Del tonight, but we talked and kissed, and now I'm here." He shrugged at me with a face. I couldn't believe he just told her that so outright. I gave him a look of disbelief. He just smiled at me.

"I'm sorry, what?" Beth exclaimed and looked back and forth at us, dumbfounded.

"Beth, I told you I liked Del. Don't worry, she shot me down every other time I tried to make a move, but I wore her down." He laughed and put his hand on my neck loosely, and it felt nice, but I was annoyed he was being so cavalier.

"I would never miss your birthday, Beth, but I didn't want to see Del for a night for reasons I will keep to myself. However, she came over to make sure I was going to your party, and we kissed." I searched Beth's face for anything.

"Wow..."

"Beth... no matter what happens, we will still be friends, and I'll be professional as your client, okay?" Travis told her.

"Congratulations... You two are great together. I'm glad you both are happy." She smiled genuinely.

"Can we grab a drink?" I asked Beth, and she nodded. I gave Travis a look, and he let us go alone.

"I can't believe he just blurted it out like that," Beth said, a mixture of shock and amusement on her face.

"I know, right?" I replied, still trying to process everything that had just transpired. "I didn't expect him to be so... upfront about it."

"Are you mad? I couldn't keep pushing him away. I know why he didn't want to see me... he tried to kiss me after the Madison Square Garden show, and I know I looked panicked about what to do. He kissed my forehead and left, and I didn't hear from him all week." I was rambling and feeling guilty. "Beth, I can't help how I feel about him. I'm sorry I held out on you about that... but I really like him." I held her hands in mine and waited for her to say anything; for her to be mad at me for many reasons–including ruining her birthday party.

"I'm not mad." She hugged me. "I'm glad, actually. I mean... I know the first time you told me he tried to kiss you, I was upset... But it had nothing to do with you per se. Del, he's crazy about you, and you've changed too–all for the better. I think you two are good." I was relieved.

"But I need to tell him. I need to tell him about my past."

"Just don't tell him the label was paying you...." Her tone was severe like she thought I would be.

"Oh, absolutely not. That would surely make him not want me. I am sure this bombshell will send him running since I held it from him for so long while he told me everything." I chugged my beer. "And he'd surely hate you too...."

"He should know... Just be prepared, that's all." She had sympathetic eyes.

"I'm very prepared. It won't go my way." I laughed to hold back tears. "Go mingle. I'm going to find Trav... thank you." I hugged Beth.

"Love you." She kissed the side of my head and let me go.

"You ladies okay?" Travis asked as I approached him and Brian. I nodded.

"Hey, Brian." I smiled at him.

"You look very nice, Del." He said politely.

"Oh, thank you. I tried. You look very handsome, too."

"What about me?" Travis asked and put his hand lightly on my hip. Brian took notice.

"You look okay," I said with a straight face. And took a sip from my beer and looked at Brian, who smirked.

"Just okay?" Travis was really trying to start something and have Brian notice.

"You look very handsome." I smiled and moved his hand off my hip. He caught my hand and held it. "You're really pushing the limits tonight, aren't you?"

"You have no idea," He said and moved to stand over me and kissed me.

"Oh, so this finally has happened?" Brian laughed as we parted.

"Apparently," I responded, a little out of breath. I just wanted to keep kissing him.

"Finally happened?" Travis asked with a bit of a laugh.

"Come on, man, we're not blind, and 'Floored,' 'Flight School,' and 'Beside the Way' are obviously about Del." Brian scoffed, hurt as if Travis had underestimated their ability to see what was happening in front of them. I knew the other songs and had to listen to them again to see why they were for me. I'm sure I was also beet red.

"So, I've lost my edge?" Travis asked.

"Edge?" I asked.

"I'm just as confused as you are." Brian played along.

"Fuck you both!" Travis exclaimed, flipping us both off.

The night was a blur, but a good blur. Travis let me do my thing, and he did him, but he'd come to see me, touch me, and kiss me lightly and not obnoxiously. He'd hold my hand. It was nice and open and relaxed.

Around midnight, he joined Kaye and her band to sing their duet. He looked so incredibly sexy on stage. He exuded confidence onstage that he didn't have in his everyday life. His hair flopped in front of one of his eyes, and his scruffy face was so irresistible and more so because he was a great person.

I danced with Beth as they played a few more songs with other bands and people joining them on stage. In the end, Second Class Heroes closed out with a few songs. Travis was insanely sweaty and had taken his shirt off.

As he sang and the sweat glistened on his chest, I swooned. I liked him... I love him, but I had to be professional before; now, I was letting myself feel the feelings. I was crushing hard and couldn't help but smile like a weirdo.

"Happy Birthday, Beth!" Travis said into his mic and hopped off the stage to hug her. I took a bunch of photos as this was happening. They were both happy, and it made me happy.

"Hey." He smiled at me as he let her go.

"Hey." I smiled at him, and he kissed me passionately.

"Wow... discretion may be best..." I laughed a bit as I gave him a small kiss.

"Discretion isn't exactly my thing right now." He pulled me out of the crowd and to the side and kissed me again.

"It's probably best." I put my hands on his chest to keep him from kissing me again.

"Did you sleep with any of my bandmates?" He asked as he cocked his head at me with a smirk.

"No. I... I will tell you when we are alone."

"Did you kill someone?" He asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Not that I remember...." I was only half serious.

"Not that you remember?" He laughed, put his arm around my shoulders, and pulled me along. He seemed to think whatever I had to tell him wasn't as big as I was making it out to be.

"Let's dance with Beth and forget whatever you must tell me until we get back to the hotel." He suggested pulling me out next to Beth and some other friends, and dancing felt good. I danced out some anxiety, stress, and sadness; it would come.

We danced for another hour, and I was exhausted. My feet hurt from my heels, and I wanted nothing more than to go home, to be alone with Travis. We grabbed our coats and got into the car. Travis called. We sat silently for most of the ride, except for him humming to every song on the radio. He gave me my space, which I appreciated so much.

We pulled up to our hotel, and I let myself out and waited for Travis to come around.

"Can I?" He asked, unsure as he held out his hand for mine. I took his hand, and he had to have felt it shaking. I tried not to cry and hold it in until we were past the paparazzi. I gave him a weak smile, and we walked through the lobby and to the elevators.

"How could I hate you? Ever?" He asked as we both stood at the back of the elevator facing toward the doors.

I began to hyperventilate. I had gotten too close and was about to ruin something that felt right and good for us both.

"Del, breathe. Breathe..." He made steady breaths with me to help me control mine, but I was having difficulty. He scooped me up and held me close, and kept telling me to breathe in and out, in and out.

We got to his hotel room, and he put me on his bed and stroked my face as I calmed down. If this act alone wasn't enough to scare him, maybe I had hope.

"Del, can you look at me?" He asked softly. I rolled over to look up at him. "Can you sit up? I have some water for you."

I pushed myself up to sit up. I sat at the edge of the bed, and Travis handed me a bottle of water, and I drank a little from it. He massaged my thigh closest to him, and it felt nice.

"I'm a recovering addict. I've been clean for almost 10 years now. I was really into coke and heroin. I have Kaye's in my life, too. I didn't want to take away from your recovery or you not wanting to be with someone that was an addict too... I was super selfish, and I'm sorry." I couldn't look at him. I just stared down at my thighs and was shaking so badly.

"I... I'm sorry." Was all he said, as if he couldn't process the news I had just laid out for him.

"I'm sorry, so very sorry... It was not my best move to keep it a secret... I fucked up." I kept it because I was spying on you. I wanted to tell him everything.

"I don't really know what to feel. I am stunned and mad, I guess?" He didn't move and kept his hand on my leg.

"... I should go..." I stood to leave, and Travis grabbed my hand and pulled me back to the bed. Tears were streaming down my face, and I fought the ugly cry.

Travis was quiet, which was scaring me, but he still held onto my hand, which gave me some hope. He let out a heavy sigh, his grip on my hand tightened, as if not sure if he had to hang onto me or show me some pain, like I had caused him.

"I think I always knew there was something more that drew me to you... the more I process, the more I'm so furious with you. You're not fucking with me, are you?" His words were measured, his tone steady, but the intensity was hard to take.

"I wish I was..." My voice trembled as I admitted it, my heart sinking even further. I had never wanted to hurt him or our friendship.

Travis's jaw clenched, and he was clearly struggling to process everything. "So, this whole time, you were just playing a game? Getting close to me while hiding this huge secret?" He stood up defensive and started to pace a bit. "When were you going to tell me? When we were years deep into a relationship? When the fuck were you going to tell me?"

"No, Travis, it's not like that. I was scared... I didn't want to lose you," I pleaded. "I care about you. I care about us. But I was scared, and I messed up. I didn't know how to tell you." I started to heave with fear and anxiety and shame.

Travis let out a bitter chuckle and looked right in my eyes. "I've been open with you, Del. I've told you about my mom, about my addiction, really dumb shit that I did while high...Pouring my heart out to you, embarrassed almost to share, but I wanted you to know. And you... you kept this from me?"

"I know, and I'm so sorry," I whispered, tears streaming down my face. "I should've told you. I should've been honest and let life take its course."

"I need time to process this, Del," he said, running his hands through his hair for the millionth time. His voice was weary.

I nodded. "I understand, Travis. I'll give you the time you need."

"I want to believe you're not just messing with me, but this... this is a lot to take in."

"I know. I just hope you can forgive me, someday." I said in a whisper. "I never wanted this," I said, gesturing to him and how hurt and frustrated he was with me.

Travis looked down at me, his eyes a mixture of pain and uncertainty. "I need some space right now, Del. My mind is fucking spinning out. I need to go for a walk." Travis stood up, and my heart sank. He went and grabbed his sneakers and a hoodie. He didn't say a word to me as he got ready. I needed to let him have his space. Hopefully, he'd come back to me.

Travis didn't look back at me while getting ready and walking out the door. It was so late, and I didn't want him to be out roaming the streets or doing anything he shouldn't, but I let him have time to process.

I curled up on the bed and just started crying. I only had myself to blame and be mad at for my pain. I just laid in bed and waited. I thought about going back to my room, but I wanted to have a conclusion to this situation for my sanity.

About two hours later, I heard the door open, and my heart raced with anxiety about what he had to say or had decided. I sat up, wiped my face, and tried to look like less of a mess.

"Can I ask questions?" Travis asked, keeping his distance from me.

"Of course. I'll tell you everything." I turned and looked up at him. I couldn't read him.

"Why did you keep this from me?"

"I honestly... not for any good reason now that I have told you, but I liked you immediately. I didn't want to be passed over because of my history... I also didn't want to become the friend you asked about recovery stuff. I was selfish and should've allowed you to have all the information about me and let everything take its course." I sighed, feeling relief for being honest, mostly. I had decided not to tell him. It wasn't because of Beth or the label that was on me.

"How and when did you start?" He moved and sat on the credenza on the opposite wall. I scooted into the middle of the bed and sat cross-legged, facing him.

"Before I answer, I just need you to know that I don't want pity or for you to feel bad for me and start something just to walk away. I know and take responsibility for keeping shit from you. I don't need an answer tonight... that would be unfair, but if you ask for time, we can't do anything until you decide if you're done with me or not." I was building my wall now. I was preparing for the worst-case scenario.

"I promise to give you a yes or no after I can process this and not be fuzzy. I care about you no matter what. So I'll have feelings but will keep them to myself." He looked pissed but was trying to be controlled.

"My best friend's brother raped me when I was 16. He got away with it, and most friends pulled away from me. They thought I was a liar and a slut. It was a tough and isolating time for me. I wanted to numb myself and not worry about how everyone hated me, how I was raped, and how I didn't have a choice in either of those things." Travis' body language shifted. He didn't look as pissed but more empathetic. "I knew where to get drugs, everyone in the high school knew who sold them, so I went to them." I hadn't talked about what had happened in a very long time. I still went to therapy and meetings, but I was past the part talking about how it all started. It wasn't as rough as I thought it would be; that was progress.

"I had never done drugs or had a sip of alcohol, except for the night it happened. I was a good girl for all intents and purposes. I didn't know where to start, but I immediately started hard. I smoked meth with them, and I liked that feeling of forgetting... I then tried cocaine, and I loved it. I don't know when, but eventually, we started cutting our cocaine with heroin. I then went straight to heroin. I was a complete mess...."

"May I ask you something?" Travis asked cautiously.

I nodded and wiped my eyes with my hands.

"May I do something?" I was confused.

"Um, sure?" I watched him lift himself off the credenza and stand before slowly approaching the bed's end. He held out his hands for me. I took his hands, and he pulled me up. I was standing on my knees, and he just stared at me as he brought his hands to cup my face. I looked him in the eyes, and there were tears in them.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry that happened to you." He choked. "I know you don't want blurry, and I get that, but I really care about you. And I'm mad at you for lying to me... keeping this from me."

"Please... don't." I cried and tried to move his hands from my face, but he wouldn't let me.

"I want to know everything. I want to protect you and you to let me in. I trust you didn't lie to me about anything else. I know I should probably think that you did, but I know in my heart this is it. This is all you held from me... and while huge, I'm willing to listen and to move forward if you are...." He was serious. It paralyzed me with fear, attraction, and genuine emotions for this man before me.

"You feel bad because I was raped... I want you to think this through and not decide you're not okay with this in a few days." I trailed, not wanting to believe him.

"Of course I do. It makes me wish I could have been there to protect you. Makes me wish I had been there for you as a shoulder to lean on, to cry on." He wiped the tears as they fell from my eyes with his thumbs. "But I fell for the woman in front of me now. The woman that has come out the other end brighter and better. Who still has battle scars but doesn't let that define her... you're amazing, and this explains so much about you and endears me even more to you." He smiled at me.

"I... I fucked a bunch of dudes when I was on drugs. I felt so damaged for a long time that I only dared to be sexual when I was high and trying to fill a void... to be okay." Why was I admitting to all this and trying to push him away? I think it was a reflex now.

"The huge scar on my leg...." I lifted my dress up over my left leg to show him. He dropped his hands from my face, looked down, and traced the scar.

"I stole drugs from a dude, and he caught me and was too high to get up off the bed, but he grabbed me and stabbed me in the leg a few times... I was in an awful place with bad people. People I mocked and never thought I'd get to their level... I was there."

Travis leaned down and kissed my scar, and it gave me goosebumps. Why did he not hate me? I hadn't prepared for this. I prepared for him to not want to see me again. I didn't know how to react.

"Do not be nice to me!" I pushed him away as he stood up, and I got off the bed as well. "You're supposed to be mad at me!"

Travis laughed at me, and it made me angrier.

"What?" I asked indignantly.

"Do you want me to push you away? I didn't plan on coming back here. So, I can push you away just like you're trying to do with me." He said seriously.

It felt like a punch in the heart when he said he would walk away. "I want you to be mad at me... not to be endeared to me. I was so panicked, and this is the response?" I felt flabbergasted. I couldn't just accept reality, which was the better route than fighting over how he was reacting. I was very much prepared for him to send me packing and responded as if he did.

"I am fucking mad at you." He paced in front of me. "I... I poured my heart out to you and was nervous about doing so. I had done all these things that I wasn't proud of. And who the fuck wants to date a newly recovering drug addict?" He was mad at me, making me feel better, but I winced at his words. I always felt that way. It was rarely something people could get over and dismiss; it was always something that kept them from committing to anything more than a hookup usually. Being in recovery didn't matter. People just saw me as a drug addict that would likely fuck up again.

"Then you tell me all of this and... I feel like such a tool. But, much of me is so..." Travis' pacing gave me some anxiety, but he stopped. He was at a loss for words.

"You are so frustrating, but you came into my life like a fucking tornado. I wasn't looking for anyone. I didn't want a relationship at all, and then you come in, and I can't stand being away from you or not talking to you...."

"I'm a piece of shit... I'm really sorry. I'm so sorry for holding this from you. I... I... just don't know what else to say...." I said, and I wanted to run.

"I fucking hate that I am, for lack of a better term, head over heels for you because I'm mad, but I don't want you not to be with me...." He smirked and rubbed the scruff on his chin.

"My history is awful...." I sighed. I was standing in the middle of the room now. I didn't know if I wanted to run or stay.

"Living up to your part of you being frustrating." He sighed. "I just told you I want to be with you, and you still want me to push you away. Did Sean know all of this about you?" Travis asked.

"Yes... he did." I was even more ashamed now..

"And he loves you, right? He was and is in love with you, correct?"

"Yes, I guess so...."

"Then why are you fighting with me because I like you? You know it's possible to be loved despite your past, so why fight with me? Should I feel like no one should love me?"

"You're different... I don't deserve you." I whispered.

"You don't, but we're here." He teased and came to my side.

"I'm really sorry." I apologized again.

"I'm not running out if you can't see that. I needed time to think and clear my head, but I only kissed you today...." He held me in his arms, and it felt so nice. I wrapped my arms around him tightly. "Why don't you change into something comfortable, and you can tell me everything?"

"I'll just go to my room and be right back?"

"Do not run away from me...." He kissed me, and I wrapped my arms around his neck.

"If you were a terrible kisser, I'd surely be out the door and on the next train." I laughed.

"I'll give you a T-shirt... don't leave." He sounded slightly concerned that I would actually bolt, which I don't blame him for feeling that way.

"You can come with me if you want to. I'll bring my stuff here...."

"Let's go." He gestured for me to walk toward the door. I grabbed my clutch that had my hotel card in it.

"Did you ever shoot heroin?" He asked as we walked. I wasn't expecting that question.

"No... I couldn't get down with that, which was surprising because I went to some lengths to get high and to not feel." I looked up at him as we walked to the elevator for what he was thinking.

"Just didn't see any track marks or scars...." He said in almost a whisper, ashamed of looking for those things on me.

"Did you ever shoot cocaine?" I asked him.

"Nah, but I've seen people do it. It's scary." He seemed nervous about what he wanted to say or ask next.

"What do you want to ask me? You seem conflicted about something." We approached my room, and I opened the door.

"What happened to your rapist... your friend's brother?"

"Nothing, nothing at all. The police didn't have enough evidence to prove it was Chris... it was just my word. Everyone at school hated me and thought I was just a slut." I told him as I packed up my clothes and tried not to look at Travis, who was looming in the doorway. "I had death threats made against me. People made my life a living hell because they thought I was a liar trying to ruin his life."

"That is so sick. What the fuck is wrong with people?"

"Beth stuck with me through the whole thing, so some people are amazing. I don't think I'd be here without Beth constantly finding me and ensuring I wasn't dead." I said, grabbing my toiletries to escape to Travis' room.

"Beth saved me too. I guess I understand her overbearing nature even more now." He laughed a little.

"She's been through it. Beth has seen me at my absolute rock bottom and knew I would get better before I did." I was crying again, thinking of all I had put her through. Helping her with Travis was my small way of showing how much I appreciated her.

"Give me that." He took my suitcase and opened the door to my room for me to exit.

"I went to rehab three times," I said as we waited for the elevator.

"But you finally got it together, so I guess the third time's the charm?"

"I guess it is." I laughed, wiping my face from tears.

"Are you here the rest of the weekend?"

"I was planning on it, but I want to make sure we are okay... whatever iteration of this relationship, that is." I followed him into the elevator.

"I want to spend the weekend with you. Uninterrupted." He reached for my hand and held it. "Are you going to cry?" He asked sweetly, as I lost control of my emotions.

The weight of carrying my secret and lying to Travis was off my shoulders, and he still wanted to try. I felt relief and shame for keeping it a secret for so long. I should have been honest.

I also had the weight of my other secret on my mind; he could never know what I had done.

Travis cradled me in his arms and held me tight while I convulsed. He pushed my suitcase out of the elevator, picked me up, and carried me to his room. He placed me on the bed and went to grab my bag.

"What can I do?" Travis knelt beside me on the bed and touched my back.

"I know I look crazy. I just feel such relief not having to keep that secret."

"I will have much to talk to my counselor about this week." He laughed and kissed my head.

"Have I turned you off yet?" I laughed and sat up.

"I mean..." He smiled.

I stood up and went and grabbed my toiletries. I removed my makeup, wiped my face clean, and threw my hair back into a ponytail. Travis watched me patiently, giving me space and time like I wasn't the one who threw the grenade. I took a deep breath and calmed a bit.

"You okay?" Travis asked. It was just after five in the morning. I was exhausted from the day and from crying.

"Yes." I stood in front of him and reached out for his hands. He grabbed mine and rubbed his thumbs over my knuckles.

"Come with me?" I pulled him to stand up and walk with me.

"Where are we going at this hour?" He laughed.

"I am tired and need a shower." I turned the shower on and undressed. I was feeling bold and confident. Hopefully, he was turned on by my act.

"Oh..." He got the hint and started to undress, too. "You're so beautiful." He said, looking me up and down before he pulled me toward him. He just held me, which was the safest I had ever felt.

"You're so very handsome." I looked up at him, and he pushed me toward the shower.

"Do you think If I had told you I was a recovering addict when I first met you, you'd have given me a second glance?" I asked as the water fell down my back.

"I don't know, honestly, but I am sure they'd have advised me to not get involved at that point." He poured body wash into his hands and started sudsing my body up. It had been so long since someone wanted to take care of me, and I wasn't sure if I knew how to handle that. I was so independent.

"You'd have been right not to get involved with me when I met you. It's largely why I also pushed you away for so long." I took the body wash and began to wash him as well.

"Would you have liked me if you weren't an addict? Like, you knew up front I was...." He trailed.

"I would have liked you no matter what. Despite many things, you told me that could be a turnoff for some people, I like you." I looked at him to gauge how he was feeling.

"Always comes back to the mint chocolate chip ice cream." He laughed, pushing me under the water. I laughed, wiped the water from my face, and opened my eyes. He was just staring at me.

"You make me feel so comfortable and yet so nervous." He admitted.

"Same. I think it's why, whether I knew you were an addict or not, I needed to be with you."

"You're admitting you needed to be with me? When did you know you liked me?" Travis was getting a kick out of me being vulnerable.

"Probably when we went to that bar in Boston, just talking to you... It felt normal and surreal."

"Surreal?" He asked as he made me turn. He took down my ponytail and put shampoo in my hair, massaging it.

"You're this larger-than-life celebrity, and I am absolutely no one. It felt surreal to have that moment and time with you."

"I know the realities, but I'm still just a person."

He massaged my hair under the water to rinse the shampoo out. I had never had someone take care of me as he was. He let things take their natural course. Even though I insinuated sex, he just wanted to care for me. I wasn't good at allowing someone to take care of me, but it felt so good at the moment.

"I'm so exhausted... how are you doing?" He asked as we both crawled into bed.

"Beyond tired, but now I feel like I can sleep better after being pampered. Thank you." I was nervous. I wanted to kiss him all the time, but I didn't want to be too obnoxious about it.

"It's nice to be taken care of occasionally." He smiled widely and leaned over to kiss me.

I settled into bed, and Travis wrapped himself around me, and it felt nice. I wasn't this person. I hated being touched when I was trying to go to sleep - men just always radiate so much heat.

"I think I'm in love with you." I heard him say, and my heart raced. I didn't know what to say back. I did love him, but I was still afraid of all the dirt that could come out.

I had beaten them to the punch about being an addict, but how much time did I have before they revealed I was on the label's payroll? I didn't know what to say because I would die if I said it and he found out about everything. I would need to move far away from anyone I know and start over. It'd be so painful to lose him. I pretended to be asleep.

"Good night, Del." He said after I didn't respond. Did he know I heard him? Did he know I was still awake? I was getting too anxious and on the verge of a panic attack. I took deep breaths, but not too obviously so. I didn't want him to overthink about me not saying it back. It would be okay if I was asleep and didn't hear him.