Status: Cautiously Active
Crazy Girl
Him.
I do not hate her.
I do not hate Hayden Campbell.
I just… resent her a little bit, I know that it is not her fault she is the way she is, or that it’s not her fault our parents are now dating lumping us together, but still I resent her. And I know exactly why I resent Hayden, I know it has nothing to with who she actually is, and that it is my problem that I resent her. My problem that I feel embarrassed to be seen with her.
God, I sound like a dick.
Hayden is currently sitting beside me in my car as we drive to school, she is being quite, a little too quiet and I just know she is hearing voices again. I am not sure how I know this maybe because she’s been under so much stress with me and my mother moving in that she is slipping back into bad habits. Like talking to the voices in her head and skipping her medication.
I hate, as well, that I know this much about her. I want to be completely indifferent to Hayden and her struggles, but I am not. After all that happened last year I am worried, worried for the girl I am sure I hate.
I do not want Hayden to know how I feel so I turn down the radio and turn to her, taking my eyes off the road to take her in and ask how she is doing with the move, with all the change. I know Hayden hates change, she is no good with change, and I know this must be difficult for her. If we are going to make this family work, I need to get over my negative feelings for Hayden.
“Are you alright?”
Hayden is not traditionally attractive nor beautiful, with bright orange hair and a smattering of freckles across her nose and cheeks. She rarely wears make-up, thinking it is too much of a hassle and I hate that I know this, that I know so much about her. I want to know nothing about Hayden so that I am no longer burdened with guilt for resenting and hating her.
I wish. I wish. I wish.
It is all fruitless though, my wishes do not come true and I am still stuck in my car next to Hayden, waiting for her to answer me, to tell me she is okay so that I don’t have to continue feeling so guilty.
“What?” She asks almost snapping out of a trance, looking around at the car we are seated in as if she is just realising she is in my car for the first time this morning. She looks around at her surroundings and then at me with her puppy dog blue eyes.
I try really hard to maintain eye contact but she is wearing this t-shirt which is a little too tight and her breasts are clinging to the fabric in the most enticing way I have ever seen. Hayden manages to look both like a full grown woman and a child at the same time, with a curvy body and freckles covering her arms and face.
Hayden is so distracted she doesn’t notice me staring at her for a minute too long, my eyes just north of her face, and I am eternally grateful. But I also feel bad, like I am taking advantage of a very sick and innocent girl. It makes me resent her even more, if she didn’t want me to stare why would she wear that top? I wonder bitterly, annoyed at her for making me feel so conflicted and confused.
I stare out at the road, turning away from Hayden and focusing on the traffic, I repeat my question desperately trying to keep my vision straight, and not stare at Hayden’s breasts out of my peripheral vision.
“Are you okay?” Seemingly debating with herself about how much to tell me she finally responds and I know immediately she is lying with each word that tumbles out of her mouth.
“I’m fine, just tired.”
I want to stand up and call her a liar but I know she is not strong enough for that. She is a weak little girl dealing with a sanity stealing illness, I am not sure how she has made it this far without cracking, excluding what happened last year.
“Excited for school?” I ask and cringe at my stupidity. I am not sure why I feel the need to fill the empty silence but I do and I am annoying even myself, but mostly Hayden because I am not leaving her alone to talk with the voices in her head.
“No,” She says sullenly,
Hayden has been bullied viciously at school since last year, her dad is on more incident from pulling her from school. And I think I might feel the tiniest bit sorry for her, despite how much I hate her not even she deserves such evil torture.
Once we arrive at school and I find a park Hayden is out of the car before I can even turn off the engine, whispering the entire time to herself, holding a one sided conversation with a partner only she can hear. I am glad she doesn’t want into school with me, I may not be the most popular student but being seen with Hayden would definitely be a blow to my popularity status.
I walk to my locker trailing behind Hayden watching as people shy away from the odd girl, until she reaches her locker and I reach mine, a few feet away. I find Ellie my girlfriend of the past five months waiting for me at my locker chewing gum and twirling her hair around her index finger. She breaks into a smile when she sees me and plants a lingering, not so school appropriate kiss on my lips. I forget my own name for a minute.
I pull away from her and shove my backpack into my locker grabbing my books for my first class, history with which I share with Ellie. During which I will spend the hour desperate to be nearer to Ellie, desperate to touch and love her like I so desperately do.
I have never really felt love for a girl, and I am not sure that I feel it now, Ellie is hot but she is not quite intellectually stimulating like I always assumed a lover should be. Despite this I feel an emotion close enough to love to make me want to stick around, not bail and run out like I have so many times before.
“How did yesterday go?” She asks staring behind me to Hayden who is still whispering to herself as she gathers her books for her first class. Ellie is frowning at her with annoyance, Ellie and Hayden do not get along.
Ellie hates that Hayden has been given a free pass because of her schizophrenia. After last year when she was involved in an ‘incident’ as the teachers referred to it as, she was allowed to return to school without punishment, unlike some students who have been in similar situations but were definitely punished. I am not sure if it is fair or if her illness and status as a social pariah are punishment enough.
I turn back to Ellie and smile a dazzling smile, Ellie has so far refused to come over to my new house because she doesn’t want to be around Hayden. Hayden is already causing problems in my relationship, and that may contribute to the reason I don’t like her much.
“Fine,” I tell her remembering Hayden swatting at an imaginary bug only she could see yesterday.
I try to focus on Ellie as she describes her weekend shopping trip, my left foot slowly going numb as she lazily rubs circles in my palm with her index finger. I nod when I am supposed to and laugh when I am required, but I am not listening, not really. I don’t care enough to listen; I instead stare at Hayden as she continues talking to her locker door.
A loud booming voice breaks through Ellie’s monotonous story and I turn from staring at Hayden to see what the commotion is about. I see Nick, Hayden’s ex-boyfriend walk up to a glaring Hayden. They broke up nearly a year ago after her ‘incident’, after he decided she was the ‘crazy girl’. He is laughing, laughing loudly because he has just knocked all the books she is carrying from her arms.
Hayden is smart, like genius smart, she is at the top of all of her classes and is generally given extra study material and books to read, all this and her normal textbooks and workbooks are strewn on the linoleum floor. I notice that Ellie is watching with a giggle of her own, like this is somehow funny.
I don’t think it is particularly funny but I don’t say anything.
“Crazy bitch.” Nick sneers stepping too close to her and encroaching on her personal space, something she hates. He refrains, and it looks like it is barely, from actually hitting her. The hallway is frozen and everyone is watching, I know no one will step in to save Hayden, help her pick up her stuff, no one wants to. No one wants to help the crazy girl.
Ellie grabs my hand just as the bell rings, and I stare at Hayden totally torn. I know I should go over and help her pick up her books and walk her to class but a part of me, the selfish mean part of me, does not want to. A part of me likes that she has been put in her place, she is making my life harder by just being around. I selfishly wish she would just disappear, or better yet that she was normal.
Hayden’s dad Nick, hates when people use the word ‘normal’, especially when it is being used to describe his daughter, having spent most of his life teaching Hayden that normal in unattainable, held by only idiots who cannot see that they too are different from the herd. I don’t like calling her not normal but I don’t know what else to call her, she is sick, mentally ill, and it is not normal the things she sees and hears.
I know I should go over to Hayden and help her, but I don’t. I let Ellie lead me away and I leave Hayden to pick up her books all by herself, in front of the curious onlookers, obviously holding back tears, she is hurt. And I turn away and leave her to deal with her own mess because I own her nothing, just because she is going to be my sister and that she is sick does not mean that I owe her shit, I think bitterly. I wish my mother had never met Hayden’s father, never dated him and never put me in this position.
I was wrong earlier; I do hate Hayden Campbell.
I hate her a whole lot.
I do not hate Hayden Campbell.
I just… resent her a little bit, I know that it is not her fault she is the way she is, or that it’s not her fault our parents are now dating lumping us together, but still I resent her. And I know exactly why I resent Hayden, I know it has nothing to with who she actually is, and that it is my problem that I resent her. My problem that I feel embarrassed to be seen with her.
God, I sound like a dick.
Hayden is currently sitting beside me in my car as we drive to school, she is being quite, a little too quiet and I just know she is hearing voices again. I am not sure how I know this maybe because she’s been under so much stress with me and my mother moving in that she is slipping back into bad habits. Like talking to the voices in her head and skipping her medication.
I hate, as well, that I know this much about her. I want to be completely indifferent to Hayden and her struggles, but I am not. After all that happened last year I am worried, worried for the girl I am sure I hate.
I do not want Hayden to know how I feel so I turn down the radio and turn to her, taking my eyes off the road to take her in and ask how she is doing with the move, with all the change. I know Hayden hates change, she is no good with change, and I know this must be difficult for her. If we are going to make this family work, I need to get over my negative feelings for Hayden.
“Are you alright?”
Hayden is not traditionally attractive nor beautiful, with bright orange hair and a smattering of freckles across her nose and cheeks. She rarely wears make-up, thinking it is too much of a hassle and I hate that I know this, that I know so much about her. I want to know nothing about Hayden so that I am no longer burdened with guilt for resenting and hating her.
I wish. I wish. I wish.
It is all fruitless though, my wishes do not come true and I am still stuck in my car next to Hayden, waiting for her to answer me, to tell me she is okay so that I don’t have to continue feeling so guilty.
“What?” She asks almost snapping out of a trance, looking around at the car we are seated in as if she is just realising she is in my car for the first time this morning. She looks around at her surroundings and then at me with her puppy dog blue eyes.
I try really hard to maintain eye contact but she is wearing this t-shirt which is a little too tight and her breasts are clinging to the fabric in the most enticing way I have ever seen. Hayden manages to look both like a full grown woman and a child at the same time, with a curvy body and freckles covering her arms and face.
Hayden is so distracted she doesn’t notice me staring at her for a minute too long, my eyes just north of her face, and I am eternally grateful. But I also feel bad, like I am taking advantage of a very sick and innocent girl. It makes me resent her even more, if she didn’t want me to stare why would she wear that top? I wonder bitterly, annoyed at her for making me feel so conflicted and confused.
I stare out at the road, turning away from Hayden and focusing on the traffic, I repeat my question desperately trying to keep my vision straight, and not stare at Hayden’s breasts out of my peripheral vision.
“Are you okay?” Seemingly debating with herself about how much to tell me she finally responds and I know immediately she is lying with each word that tumbles out of her mouth.
“I’m fine, just tired.”
I want to stand up and call her a liar but I know she is not strong enough for that. She is a weak little girl dealing with a sanity stealing illness, I am not sure how she has made it this far without cracking, excluding what happened last year.
“Excited for school?” I ask and cringe at my stupidity. I am not sure why I feel the need to fill the empty silence but I do and I am annoying even myself, but mostly Hayden because I am not leaving her alone to talk with the voices in her head.
“No,” She says sullenly,
Hayden has been bullied viciously at school since last year, her dad is on more incident from pulling her from school. And I think I might feel the tiniest bit sorry for her, despite how much I hate her not even she deserves such evil torture.
Once we arrive at school and I find a park Hayden is out of the car before I can even turn off the engine, whispering the entire time to herself, holding a one sided conversation with a partner only she can hear. I am glad she doesn’t want into school with me, I may not be the most popular student but being seen with Hayden would definitely be a blow to my popularity status.
I walk to my locker trailing behind Hayden watching as people shy away from the odd girl, until she reaches her locker and I reach mine, a few feet away. I find Ellie my girlfriend of the past five months waiting for me at my locker chewing gum and twirling her hair around her index finger. She breaks into a smile when she sees me and plants a lingering, not so school appropriate kiss on my lips. I forget my own name for a minute.
I pull away from her and shove my backpack into my locker grabbing my books for my first class, history with which I share with Ellie. During which I will spend the hour desperate to be nearer to Ellie, desperate to touch and love her like I so desperately do.
I have never really felt love for a girl, and I am not sure that I feel it now, Ellie is hot but she is not quite intellectually stimulating like I always assumed a lover should be. Despite this I feel an emotion close enough to love to make me want to stick around, not bail and run out like I have so many times before.
“How did yesterday go?” She asks staring behind me to Hayden who is still whispering to herself as she gathers her books for her first class. Ellie is frowning at her with annoyance, Ellie and Hayden do not get along.
Ellie hates that Hayden has been given a free pass because of her schizophrenia. After last year when she was involved in an ‘incident’ as the teachers referred to it as, she was allowed to return to school without punishment, unlike some students who have been in similar situations but were definitely punished. I am not sure if it is fair or if her illness and status as a social pariah are punishment enough.
I turn back to Ellie and smile a dazzling smile, Ellie has so far refused to come over to my new house because she doesn’t want to be around Hayden. Hayden is already causing problems in my relationship, and that may contribute to the reason I don’t like her much.
“Fine,” I tell her remembering Hayden swatting at an imaginary bug only she could see yesterday.
I try to focus on Ellie as she describes her weekend shopping trip, my left foot slowly going numb as she lazily rubs circles in my palm with her index finger. I nod when I am supposed to and laugh when I am required, but I am not listening, not really. I don’t care enough to listen; I instead stare at Hayden as she continues talking to her locker door.
A loud booming voice breaks through Ellie’s monotonous story and I turn from staring at Hayden to see what the commotion is about. I see Nick, Hayden’s ex-boyfriend walk up to a glaring Hayden. They broke up nearly a year ago after her ‘incident’, after he decided she was the ‘crazy girl’. He is laughing, laughing loudly because he has just knocked all the books she is carrying from her arms.
Hayden is smart, like genius smart, she is at the top of all of her classes and is generally given extra study material and books to read, all this and her normal textbooks and workbooks are strewn on the linoleum floor. I notice that Ellie is watching with a giggle of her own, like this is somehow funny.
I don’t think it is particularly funny but I don’t say anything.
“Crazy bitch.” Nick sneers stepping too close to her and encroaching on her personal space, something she hates. He refrains, and it looks like it is barely, from actually hitting her. The hallway is frozen and everyone is watching, I know no one will step in to save Hayden, help her pick up her stuff, no one wants to. No one wants to help the crazy girl.
Ellie grabs my hand just as the bell rings, and I stare at Hayden totally torn. I know I should go over and help her pick up her books and walk her to class but a part of me, the selfish mean part of me, does not want to. A part of me likes that she has been put in her place, she is making my life harder by just being around. I selfishly wish she would just disappear, or better yet that she was normal.
Hayden’s dad Nick, hates when people use the word ‘normal’, especially when it is being used to describe his daughter, having spent most of his life teaching Hayden that normal in unattainable, held by only idiots who cannot see that they too are different from the herd. I don’t like calling her not normal but I don’t know what else to call her, she is sick, mentally ill, and it is not normal the things she sees and hears.
I know I should go over to Hayden and help her, but I don’t. I let Ellie lead me away and I leave Hayden to pick up her books all by herself, in front of the curious onlookers, obviously holding back tears, she is hurt. And I turn away and leave her to deal with her own mess because I own her nothing, just because she is going to be my sister and that she is sick does not mean that I owe her shit, I think bitterly. I wish my mother had never met Hayden’s father, never dated him and never put me in this position.
I was wrong earlier; I do hate Hayden Campbell.
I hate her a whole lot.