Forever

Cam is holding my hand, warm, completely unlike my mother’s cold hand that I am used to holding. I know if it were any other day Cam would not be holding my hand, but it is today and he is trying to offer me comfort the only way he knows how, by holding me down, tethering me to this earth so I cannot simply fly away.

And fly away I want to. I want to escape this earthly life I live and finally feel free, I want to leave everyone behind and fly free. But I can’t because today is not about my escape but rather my sister and her untimely death. I suddenly feel overwhelmingly selfish for wanting to leave, for wanting to abandon this life I live while my sister rots six feet under.

I am standing in a line waiting to get to the buffet of food my mother arranged to provide for my sister’s wake, the funeral home is playing music my sister would never have listened to, all instrument and no soul. It haunts me as I stand in line. I want to let go of Cam’s hand and disappear outside once again to watch the rain fall but that is no more an option that flying away is. So I stay where I am clutching tightly to Cam to keep myself tethered.

The food looks and smells terrible, I want to ask my mother what she was thinking serving mac and cheese at a wake, but I don’t because she is standing in the corner talking to the minister who held the service at the grave, thanking him for sending her daughter off so touchingly. I do not agree with her assessment, asides from Bruce Springsteen playing in the background my sister would have hated the stuffy ceremony.

But it doesn’t much matter what my sister would have wanted because she is dead, long gone. And I am left to pick up the pieces, try and remember her in a way she would have appreciated. I move forward as the line moves swiftly, we are nearly at the buffet and though I am not hungry when I reach the front of the line, I spoon some of everything onto my paper plate, picking at the food I am not hungry enough to eat.

“Come on Clo, you have to eat something” Cam says so earnestly from besides me, he spent the night with me last night, no not like that, we just laid together in my bed and stared at the ceiling waiting to crash for the night.

It was wonderful. He stayed the night and he saw how I haven’t eaten since dinner last night and it is quickly approaching noon, so he is concerned for my well being and I almost appreciate that, just not right here, not now. I cannot force myself to eat I will make myself sick all over my pretty new shoes that were bought by my mother for this very day.

“I’m not hungry,” I tell him, we have finally stopped holding hands and I miss the warmth already. I feel as if a light has been stolen from my life in the form of my wonderful older sister, she was a spark of energy, a bright light in my otherwise dull world and without her life will be so terribly boring I fear.

“Please, just one bite… For me,” He asks and how can I ever say no to Cam. I have been in love with him since we were three years old and he got in trouble for giving me a noogie on the playground equipment. So I do as he has so sweetly asked me and take one bite, but no more. I am far too literal for Cam to ever love back in the same way I adore him.

But I do know that Cam does love me, sadly only as a best friend, something we have been for nearly our entire lives. Cam is always looking out for my best interests in a way no one else ever has, and that is awfully endearing to me. I love him more than I can say, but that also seems so trivial at the moment at my sister’s wake with my plastic plate and fork in my hand.

“I can’t believe they showed up here” Cam whispers mostly to himself but also a little bit to me. I turn to follow his glare and see them, the ‘golden six’ or five should I say, they are currently a member short, my sister.

The golden five consists of the most popular kids at my local high school who have everything going for them looks, money and brains. I have always been jealous of them, and I hate them now more than ever because after everything that happened they are here, mourning the girl one of the killed.
I am not sure which of the five members cast the final blow to my sister, quite literally, she was beaten to death with a golf club, but I know it was one of them and I plan to find out which one it was, even if it kills me. A plan with which Cam is none too fond, but trying to support anyway.

We had been laying in my bed staring at anything but each other when I told him about it, he had told me I was poking at a rattlesnake, starting trouble that I didn’t need. He hadn’t understood because no one he loves had been murdered with the killer still walking the earth without any sort of punishment.

The leader of the group is Macy Collins, the prettiest girl I have ever laid my eyes on, Cam is of the same persuasion, having lusted over her for as long as I have him. She is a poisonous snake primed and ready to strike if anyone even looks at her wrong. I have personally never been on the receiving end of her evil bite because of my loving sister but I have seen the affects her bite packs and it is scary how much power a seventeen-year-old possess.

Besides her with his arm wrapped over Macy’s shoulder is Abbott Devlin, the vapidest person I have ever personally met. He is so self-absorbed, he considers every relationship he has as a stepping stone for something better and bigger. His relationship with Macy only exists because she is the head cheerleader and her dad is the coach of the football team, landing him quarterback position. He once called my sister his own, what he wanted from her was obvious, my mother is a powerful player in my home town. And he wants nothing more than to be important, breaking her heart wasn’t part of the plan but getting the QB position was more important than at the moment.

Laughing quietly at a joke I am not privy to is Andy Kendrick’s, an average girl by all measures, but her father is principal making her a vital member of the ‘golden five’. She is the kind of girl who searches for things that could never be found, like an accepting family. Andy is a lesbian, out rightly so but her parents have never accepted her, not since she came out in eight grade only to be told she is ‘confused’. I don’t think she is confused I think her parents are but that is not really my business.

Fourth in the group and probably the most forgettable is Alex Falgrave, the dullest person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. The only reason he is a part of the flashy group is because he is a certified genius, one willing to help the others in the group skirt by on tests and homework.

Lastly is Sophie Mayfair, a truly disillusioned person. So disillusioned in the world around her I have yet to see her genuinely smile. She is not fond of herself and I am not sure she ever has been, which in its self is sad. I don’t feel sorry for her though she is part of the group that killed my beloved sister and for that I will never feel anything but hatred towards her and her perfect group of friends.

“You’re staring Clover” My mother admonishes coming over to close my hanging open mouth. I close my eyes and take a deep slow breath, not at all in the mood to deal with my mother.

“Yes mother” I mutter between gritted teeth. I place my plastic plate, still full with food, on an end table and grab Cam’s hand, holding it tightly, trying to stop myself from jumping down my mother’s throat, she is hurting too Clover, I remind myself. But it is not as simple as just telling myself not to attack her, it is like it is ingrained in my DNA to fight with my mother. It is going against everything within me to not yell at her to leave me alone.

“Wasn’t that a lovely service?” Mother asks reaching towards me and making me flinch backwards nearly knocking over the end table with my plate of food, I stare at her for a moment as shock registers on her face.

“Your hair is falling in your face Clover, how I wish you would let me fix it,” I am suddenly desperate for her to fix more than my hair, but that is not possible. She does not understand me and I nor her. So I let her softly brush the hair away from my face, wishing more than anything my sister were here to make this funeral bearable, but she is gone and I am sad.

Clutching Cam’s hand, I let myself feel for a moment the extent of my sadness, I nearly fall to the floor in pain and shock. I never realise how much I needed my sister until she was gone and only now am I beginning to understand that extent.