Wilted

Xander stood as I left Mrs. Green’s room, a flash of worry on his face.

“Everything alright?” He asked.

I smiled as best as I could, “Yeah, I didn’t mean to shut the door that hard.”

I could see the slight distrust wash over his expression, but he smiled in response and the tension dropped out of his shoulders. He can still tell when you lie.

He led me out the door and we headed to his car. He started the engine but let it rest for a moment and turned to face me. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

See.

I looked at him. He was too good of a big brother. When dad had left and mum start to become… well, mum… he had taken on the parent role and protected me. For years now, he’d been the one to look after me. Through all the shit I pulled and all the attempts to separate myself from my family, he had always fought back with compassion and stuck by my side. No matter how many people I hurt, no matter how much I hurt myself, no matter how many times I told him to go away he had stayed. He protected me and never wanted anything in return.

“Why did you lie to Mrs. Green?”

He exhaled slowly, as if he was happy that I had asked this. “I didn’t want you to go into these sessions tarnished. You’ve been through some intense shit I’ll never understand and can’t even pretend to so the best I can do is try and make things a little easier for you. If she knew the full story she might have refused to treat you, she might have seen you in a different light and not acted like you’re a good person.”

“I’m not a good person.”

He smiled lovingly, ruffling up my curls up and then embracing me in an awkward one-armed hug. “You’re a better person than you think you are.”

I felt my eyes welling up, and quickly faked a sneeze in an attempt to pretend I had a cold and wasn’t starting to cry. “You’re my big brother, you have to say that shit.”

“I’m your big brother so I know that shit. You’re more than your mistakes and I’ll always love you.”

“Even though those mistakes were bad?”

He laughed and squeezed me tightly. “Even though those mistakes were bad, because you know you did wrong and you want to do better. You’re an amazing person, and the shit you’ve been through and how you’ve reacted to it doesn’t make you any less.”

I hugged him back even though the gear stick was digging into my stomach, even though I was getting snot and tears on his top, even though I didn’t deserve a brother like him.

“You’re getting my top wet.” Xander said with a laugh, but I heard his voice crack as it always did when he was holding back tears.

“Screw your stupid top.” And I laughed and held on to him, quickly realising this was the first time I’d hugged him back in years.