Elysian

Doll Parts by Hole plays on the radio softly floating in-between Remy and Oli, they are holding eye contact, in more than just an accidental way. Remy is staring straight into Oli and what feels like his soul, her brutal honesty is a pleasant surprise, he thought Remy was unable to be truly honest, to expose herself in such a vulnerable way.

Remy is staring simply because she hates losing, they are sitting at a red light a block or so from Oli’s now spotless house. Oli is dropping Remy off at her house, and had glanced at Remy in surprise to her answer to his question, ‘Do you love Yale?’

‘I want to’ she had replied before whispering ‘I am terrified I am not capable of love, real love, the kind people write about.’p and then they had started staring at each other and Remy wants to look away but does not want to lose this staring competition, she does after all hate losing.

Remy likes this song but she is more focused on Oli than the words and that is odd for her never has Yale held her attention this fiercely. The light changes and reluctantly, oh so reluctantly, Oli turns back to the road letting the silence overpower them, making their next words seem more important that they really are.

“Have you ever been in love?” Remy asks breaking the intensity, her words are not as important or meaningful as Oli thought they should be but he accepts and answers them all the same.

“No,” His heart lurches, he has seen heartbreak, true unadulterated heartbreak, and though he believes in love as a concept his heritage makes him doubt that he can love, really love like everyone else does. It seems everyone but him is in love these days and that frustrates him because he wants so desperately to love and to be normal. But he fears he isn’t and all because of him. But Oli does not want to think of him now, especially around Remy.

Almost noticing the change in Oli’s face Remy asks an important question, “Where did you go just now?” And though they are not supposed to lie to each other Oli smiles easily like he always does when things are getting personal, because he does not want to get personal, not with Remy and not with anyone.

“No,” He answers to her first question and before replying to her second question, “I don’t think you want to go there,” He clears his throat not meaning to sound like a dick but unable to help it at the same time, “I went easy on you, tread lightly Remy.”

“You weren’t easy on me,” Remy replies with a hostile chuckle, he has annoyed her, it seems everything annoys Remy.

She grabs her handbag from between her legs and fiddles around pulling out a cigarette and a lighter. Remy has the Virgin Mary on her lighter despite not being religious. The stupid lighter is sentimental to Remy; it was her mother’s one of the few things that still remains after her death. Remy physically shakes away that thought because Oli can read anything on her face and this is the last thing she wants him to read.

“Oh but I was,” Oli says glancing over at her as she lights the cigarette and takes a deep puff. He itches for the cigarette but she looks so good with it hanging between her make-up free lips that he can’t make himself steal it, again he frustrates himself.

Remy suddenly believes Oli, he could have been cruel like she unintentionally was and gone for the kill, he could have asked her about her and Stompers mother and father but he didn’t, and finally Remy is grateful, puffing out a small thank you.

“We start out easy and if you are still around in a month I will tell you where I just went,” He promises her meaning it, Remy nods slowly wondering where he thinks she is going. It has been so long since she has had a genuine friend she is not sure if she will ever leave Oli alone. But Remy always screws things up, rationally she knows eventually Oli will tire of her like everyone else does and she hates that that day is approaching every minute they spend together.

“Why don’t you love Yale?” Oli asks intently staring at her and that damn cigarette hanging from her lips, so sensual and sexual. He wants to touch Remy but he doesn’t. He grips the steering wheel in front of him and fights off the strange and sudden urge to have Remy in every sense of the word. It is because he hasn’t had sex in a while, at least that is what he tells himself, he is not so sure it is that simple.

“We both knew I wasn’t good enough,” She replies sadly, Oli wants to tell Remy she is enough but he suddenly so unsure of everything most importantly Remy and her worth.

“Right.” He replies instead, it falls easily from his lips and punctures Remy’s heart, she thought for sure loving Oli would tell her she is wrong but he doesn’t and it hurts, actually physically hurts her. She doesn’t say anything, she never will but she files away the pain for further reflection later.

Remy wants to go home and have a long soak in the tub, clean the stench of Yale and Oli from her skin until it burns. But first she has to get through this car ride, it suddenly seems impossible. Life seems infinitely impossible so she sighs and puts out her cigarette in the ash tray. She wants to hurt Oli like he hurt her a moment before but not even she is that mean. So instead she turns and stares out the window, the rest of the drive is spent in silence.

When they reach Remy’s dilapidated house they are both choking on the silence that lingers between them. Remy wants to go back to when things were easy, not just between her and Oli but in general. Back to when her mother was alive and life made sense. But she can’t and that thought kills her.

Remy moves to get out of the car but Oli grabs her arm, just when she thinks he is going to say something meaningful and profound he looks away breaking their intense staring competition for the second time that morning.

“I’ll see you Monday morning yeah?” He asks instead of what he was thinking. Hell he isn’t even sure what he was thinking, gibberish mostly about Remy being important and inherently good and how he hates seeing her sad, that he didn’t mean to hurt her but the words die on his tongue and instead he asks her about Monday morning. He hates himself the tiniest bit.

“Right Monday” Remy says and it feels a million days away, she nods and slips from the car waiting a moment too long for Oli to say something more but he doesn’t. They both sigh internally caught between who they want to be and who they actually are.

Oli drives away leaving Remy staring after him, her heart hurting just the tiniest bit to be annoying. She soaks in the tub all afternoon but nothing gets the smell of Oli from her nostrils and with fear and hesitation she realises that she like the smell, enjoys it even.

Nothing has ever made her more afraid.