Until My Heart Explodes.

chapter 1

Gerard Way pulled his arm towards him, trying to use as much force as his weak body could, but he failed. Her grip was too tight. He huffed as they ascended the steps to the duplex the band had rented. It was the end of the summer of 2005. They were supposed to be working on the album, but things had been delayed… and by things, that meant Gerard.

“C’mon, Gee. It’s going to be okay. We’re going to get you inside. I picked up a case of water before picking you up and I’ve got your Gatorade in my purse. Doc said you have to stay hydrated.”

Her voice was like daggers in his brain. So annoying. It usually wasn’t, but she hadn’t left his side for almost a week now and he was ready to make a run for it. Break free from her arm and lock himself in his room. He was tired. Weak. Sleepy. Hungry? Craving.

They entered the house and all was quiet, well sort of. Gerard could hear some low commotion in the kitchen; he didn’t bother going to check though. Spencer stopped in the foyer. She looked up at Gerard, concern written all up and down her face. Her dark brown hair was piled on her head in a messy bun. He could tell that she just dyed it since some of her old purple streaks were peeking through from spots she had missed. Her hazel eyes were puffy and red around the edges. Her skin was clear, so that was good since he knew that stressful times often led her to break out. He sighed at her.

“Want me to take you to your room?” she asked. He rolled his eyes. She tried to give him a blue Gatorade she pulled out of her purse. He held his hand up to stop her.

“I need to be alone.” Gerard mumbled. He stepped away from his sister. He couldn’t bear to look at her anymore. He knew he was breaking her heart by not telling her what exactly had happened to him.

“Gerard!” she called out after him. He turned back to look at her. She was out of focus. He was still feeling the effects from whatever they had given him at the hospital. “You have to take care of yourself. Take the drink. Remember what the doctor--.”

“I know what he said, Spencer! I was there! Look…” he sighed into his hand. He didn’t know how to turn her down kindly. She was only doing what she was supposed to be doing, but he didn’t need help. He didn’t need anybody… he just needed… “I don’t need anything. I just want to go to sleep in my own bed. Leave that shit there. I don’t need you looking after me like I’m some toddler.”

Spencer furrowed her brows. She didn’t look upset, but that was the thing about Spencer. It was always hard to understand what she was feeling until she finally blew up at you. Gerard prepared himself.

“If you didn’t need looking after then I wouldn’t be here, now would I?” Spencer said, raising her voice a bit.

“Fuck off, University Girl!” Gerard shot back. It was a horrible comeback, but he wasn’t in the mood to argue.

“Wow, really fucking mature, Gee. Just take this!” She extended the drink out to him again. Gerard shook his head and walked away. Spencer wanted to yell something out to him, but couldn’t think of anything. She kept her gaze on him until he turned the corner in the direction of his bedroom.

Spencer leaned back on the nearest wall, tears forming up in her eyes. She stiffed them back when the front door opened again.


“Where have you been?” Spencer asked upon seeing her other brother for the first time since arriving back in the New Jersey. Spencer didn’t say anything but he looked shittier than she did. His hair was greasy, his glasses lopsided, his clothes wrinkled, not to mentioned that he reeked.

Mikey closed the door behind him. He grimaced at her but didn’t say anything.

“I asked you a question, Michael.”

“None of your business.” He said to her. Spencer stepped up to him. Unfortunately, Spencer wasn’t blessed with tall genes and Mikey towered over her by a foot, but that didn’t mean that she wasn’t an intimidating person. She was a fighter, not a lover.

“You haven’t been around for a week! Why haven’t you gone to the hospital? Gerard needed us and you were nowhere to be found.” She chastised.

“He didn’t need me.” Mikey told her, keeping his calm. Mikey believed that out of the three, he was the most reasonable. Spencer, he didn’t know if whether because she was a girl and/or the youngest, had a short fuse; anything could set her off. Gerard was a bit more on the calm side, but he had other problems.

“What?!” Spencer exclaimed. “H-He didn’t need you? Of course he did! He almost—“

Mikey put his finger to her lips, cutting off and silencing her all in one.

“Shut up.” He said coolly before opening the door to leave.

“Where are you going this time? Mikey! You can’t keep disappearing like this! Gerard needs us!” she yelled after him, but she was pretty sure he didn’t hear the end of it. He left before she could finish. She groaned in frustration. Was nobody listening to her?

This was not the way things were supposed to be. This was not the way she had left things just three months prior.

She headed off towards the kitchen where Ray and a buff blond fellow were talking. She hadn’t seen Ray since her first day back. She hadn’t talked to him then though. The only thing she was concerned about was Gerard.

“YOU!” Spencer screeched. Ray looked towards her, eyes wide open, his teeth gritted. “You were supposed to be watching him! How could you let something like this happen! I’m supposed to trust you, Ray!”

Ray shook his head and was about to speak but the blond interjected.

“Uhh, Spencer, right? Look, it’s no one’s fault other than Gerard’s.” he said. Spencer turned her head towards him; if looks could kill, he’d be dead.

“Who are you?” she asked. “No one asked you to speak. Unless spoken to, shut up.” She told him. Spencer turned back to Ray. Blondie looked down at his feet in defeat.

“Spencer, this is Bob. He’s the new drummer. He, uhh… replaced you.” Ray told her. She rolled her eyes. She knew he was trying to distract her from the real issue.

“I could care less about that right now, Ray… Now, again, tell me how you could let something like this happen!?”

“This could have happened to anyone. Not just your brother. We’ve all been busy. We’re all working on different things. We just got off tour, we’re trying to catch a break before we get back to work. The band…”

“Oh shut up about the band, Ray! The band is not some mystical force that’s supposed to keep everything together. You are four guys—“

“Five.” Bob corrected her. She gave him a killer look again.

“Five guys and you are supposed to look after one another. Gerard was this close…” She held her index finger and thumb together, a thread-sized space between them. “From death! I… I…”

She stopped herself as tears came up again. She sniffled. Ray sighed but made no movement to comfort her.

“He’s my brother too, Spencer. If I had known or had been around, I could have stopped him. I didn’t know about this. What else do you want me to tell you?” he asked.

Spencer didn’t say anything. She just stared at Ray. Again, she was lost at words. She sighed and turned to walk out the kitchen.

“Hey!” Bob called out to her. She stopped midstep to glare at him. “Frank was right. You are a spark.”

She winced. She had forgotten about him until now.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” she asked.

Bob didn’t reply. He just smirked. When Spencer left the room, Ray asked him the same question.

“What has Frank told you that he hasn’t told us?” Ray asked.

Bob again didn’t say anything. Just simply smirked.


Spencer entered the living room. There were four armchairs arranged around a rectangle coffee table. Two of the chairs were occupied. Spencer instantly recognized the black fringe but she failed to recognize the girl sitting adjacent to him. Spencer took the seat across from her.

“Hey.” She said looking towards Frank. Frank nodded in acknowledgment but kept doing what he was doing on the coffee table. “Is that for me?” she asked, indicating towards the plastic baggies of weed. Frank looked at her with a smirk, his hazel-green eyes mischivious.

“You know it, babe.” He said and then after realizing what he said, he turned towards the girl Spencer didn’t know.

“Baby, this is Spencer. Spencer, this is Jamia.” He didn’t so much as look up from the table as he introduced them.

Jamia, a girl of her early twenties was plain faced, no makeup, baggy clothes, short brown hair, and nothing, as far as Spencer could tell, of significance. If they had been introduced before, Spencer surely didn’t remember.

When Jamia extended her hand to greet Spencer, Spencer noticed a small glint on her left hand that was in her lap.

“Umm… is that?” Spencer motioned towards the ring. Jamia took her greeting hand back and placed it over her left, covering the small diamond.

She blushed heavily, making her look blotchy. Spencer didn’t like that. She looked at Frank but he was too busy grinding up a bud.

“Yeah… We’re engaged. It just happened. It’s still so weird.” Jamia said nervously as if she wasn’t supposed to be telling anyone that she was.

Spencer glanced at Frank and then smiled the nicest smile she could handle and with the falsest voice gave her congratulations to the both of them.
♠ ♠ ♠
Changed main character to Spencer instead of Rory.