Until My Heart Explodes.

chapter 4

Gerard stared down at the blank paper. He was growing frustrated. He had stayed up all night, not because he couldn’t sleep, but because he was bothered. Bothered that the guys were still going to the studio. Bothered that only Ray had made an effort to ask him if he was going to join them. Bothered that his usually creative mind had him at a standstill. He waved his pencil over the paper. Anything would be better than nothing. A stick figure, a rainbow, a smiley face!


There was a sudden knock at his bedroom door. He instantly turned his body to the door, but with the exception of his desk lamp, his room was pitch black. The door crept open a bit and a head of hair peered in.

“Hey…” Spencer whispered. “You’re up.”

She slid into dark room, closing the door until only a slit of light came through. Gerard turned back to his piece of paper. Spencer crept across the room, settling down on the corner of his desk. Gerard could feel her stare on his mop of hair, but he didn’t look up at her. He hadn’t exactly been the best brother recently and he hadn’t known if she’d forgiven him for being such an ass.

“So the guys are getting ready to head out.” She began. She said it like if she didn’t want to hurt his feelings. It didn’t, but the fact that she was being so cautious around him was bothering him.

“I know.” He managed to grunt out. He still didn’t look at her. His hand automatically went for his pencil though. He didn’t stop himself.

“Just wanted to see if you were going to go too.” She told him. Gerard shook his head.

She didn’t say anything else. They stewed in their silence for a moment before Spencer spoke again.

“It’s okay if you’re not ready yet, Gee. No one is judging you or mad at you for doing so. We just want to try to help you get better.” Her voice trembled at the end but she tried to cover it up with a clearing of her throat. That was the Spencer he knew.

She didn’t like for her emotions to get to her, she had always been tough, any sign of weakness and she was mad at herself for weeks. He couldn’t imagine how this past week had been for her. With him in the hospital, it had to be the ultimate punch to the stomach.

“Mikey’s been acting strange.” Spencer changed the subject. “He never came to the hospital and he was here for only three seconds before he dashed out of here. What’s his deal? I told him we needed to help you and he went on about how you refused to let him help. Is that true?”

Gerard hadn’t noticed that his piece of paper was now full of circles, lines, squares, etc. He stared down at it quizzically before finally looking up at Spencer. Her hazel eyes were dark with worry and a hint of anger.

“You need to help him before you help me.” He told her. Spencer’s eyebrows furrowed. “I’m afraid that Mikey might be heading down the same path as me, only he’s tumbling down the hill at a faster rate. I think we should be worried that he’ll end up on the deathbed before me.”

Spencer’s lips opened and closed, unsure of what to say. Gerard shrugged his shoulders and went back to doodling.

“He told me that he asked you to come back soon after you left. He was really upset when you told him no, you had some internship or whatever.” Gerard hadn’t meant to keep talking, but he had to distract her from him first.

“I had just gotten back to Harvard two weeks before and he calls asking me to come back, practically begging, with no explanation as to why. I asked him repeatedly what was the emergency but he couldn’t ever answer me. He’s pretty much ignored me since. I’ve texted and called but no word. I just assumed that whatever was going on, that he solved on his own.” Spencer said with a tone of annoyance.

“So why’d you come back this time? Because Frank called you?” he asked.

Spencer shifted uncomfortably.

“How long have you known?” Spencer asked. Gerard shrugged.

“Not long. About a month or so. Mikey’s been hinting at it to me and Ray for months. I just recently realized it and Ray’s in denial. So it’s true then?” He didn’t want it to sound like a question but his concentration on their conversation was failing due to the rapid ideas now being poured onto his paper from his hand.

“You’re not mad?”

Gerard stopped his pencil mid-sketch. He looked at Spencer, amused that she would think like that.

“Why would I be mad?” he questioned.

“I… I don’t know.” She stuttered. “Jeopardizing the band? Fraternizing with your bandmate? I don’t know, Gee.”

“Was it ever more than what it was?” He didn’t want to ask these kinds of questions, but if it would alleviate Spencer’s conscience…

“No.” she whispered.

“Did he or you ever exchange those three little words? Was it purely just a beneficial thing? He was just there, you were just there?”

“We never… we never said anything. It was a benefits thing.” Spencer confessed. Gerard continued drawing. He didn’t want to admit to his sister that it really did bother him.

He understood why it happened. He knew that Frank and Spencer had known each other longer than they always said they did. They were interested in the same things; weird music, Harry Potter, Shakespeare, horror movies, the list was endless. But Gerard also knew that their chemistry was undeniable. He’d be more shocked if something never had happened between them. He couldn’t be mad at her or at him for something was more than bound to happen.

“So why would I be mad at you?” he sighed. “It’s fine. It’s over, isn’t it?” He begged internally for her to say yes.

“He’s engaged to Jamia now.” Was all Spencer said. That was not exactly what he wanted her to say.

Gerard continued doodling. Spencer continued sitting.

“Gee…” she started. Gerard’s blood ran cold… here it goes. “I… I gotta tell you why I didn’t come back when Mikey called…”

He put his pencil down and stared formally at his little sister.


Spencer sighed heavily, tears welling up in her eyes.

“Whatever you’re going to tell, you have to tell Frank first.” He told her. She shook her head.

“I can’t! He’ll hate me. He’ll be so furious with me!” Her voice frantic with fear. His sister’s emotions poured over him and he wanted nothing more than to console her, tell her that it was all going to be fine, but he didn’t. He refrained. He had to keep her strong.

“You have to be better than me, Spencer.” He almost called her Spence. Only Frank called her Spence. “You have to the better person and help Mikey. Only then will I get better. And you have to tell Frank why you left so suddenly. He won’t be mad at you. He…”

Loves you, he wanted to say; he loves you and is too blind to see it.

“He looks up to you too much to let something come between the both of you. He was really agitated when you left.”

The look on Spencer’s face was not a look of relief. It was desperate.


The two of them jumped at Ray’s booming voice. Spencer jumped off the desk in a fury. A blast of light filled the room as Ray opened his room door fully.

“There you are!” Ray exclaimed. “You need to move your car. You’re behind me.”

Spencer nodded her head rapidly. She exchanged an odd look with the guitarist. Ray left almost immediately. Her body relaxed.

Gerard went back to drawing but stopped briefly when Spencer hugged his head. She planted a kiss on top of his greasy hair.

“See you.” She whispered and left.


Spencer pulled her Ray-Bans over her eyes as she dashed out of the house. She made sure she held tight to her light briefcase filled with résumés. She was staring down at her phone, not aware that the guys were all awed by her appearance.

Ray didn’t know Spencer in lawyer mode. He’d always seen her as his little sister who‘s tagged along with them since the beginning in ratty tees, ripped jeans, and odd-colored hair. But here she was, fancied the fuck up.

Mikey studied his sister. He had never been too interested in what she wanted to fulfill career wise so looking at her in this state was beyond words for him. He regarded her with contemplation and then just got in the backseat of Ray’s car.

Bob, who has known Spencer all but one week, was surprised at her transformation. Just this morning she had been in zebra boxers and an old shirt. He didn’t know she even had mermaid looking hair… or fancy jackets… or… stilettos. He felt himself blush and darted his eyes at his new band members. No one noticed and he promptly followed Mikey’s actions and got in the passenger seat.

Only Frank seemed to make it the most obvious. His eyes literally were bugging out like hearts, his tongue lolled to the ground, and his heart was beating out his chest like in those classic Looney Tunes cartoons.

Spencer crossed over the yard to her car and finally gazed up from her phone. Ray quickly averted his eyes and got in his car. Frank made no rash movement. Spencer examined her outfit.

Skinny black dress slacks, a baby blue blouse, a black fitted suit jacket, and black stilettos. Her hair was in loose waves and draped over her shoulders.

“What?” She asked Frank. Frank broke his trance and tripped over himself as he tried to get in the car.

“G-good luck!” Ray told her, closing his door soon after. Spencer held up a thumbs-up to them before getting into her own car. Her phone beeped as soon as the door closed. She fumbled with starting her car as she read the text message that came in.

‘Good luck today, babe.’

Spencer scowled at her phone and glanced at Ray’s back car window. Frank was smiling at her. She looked back at her phone and noticed the little arrow at the bottom of the screen indicating to scroll down. She did.

‘PS. Sit on my face and fuck meeeeeeee ;)’
♠ ♠ ♠
enjoy :)