Book of Me and You

Once I caught my breath and stopped crying I sat there, numb and confused. I didn't know why I reacted that way. I suppose It might've been a bit melodramatic but why would John attack me that way? And did they really know about James? Jared had been understanding about it, had I hurt John in some way?

All I knew now was how big of a mistake it had been to go meet him; and that I shouldn't go back. It was always a mistake to dig up my past, I supposed I deserved it though. I should have known better than to come back home. I always fucked things up.

I decided I should probably start to unpack so I could get ready for bed and end this miserable day. I checked outside and made sure the coast was clear before I finished bringing in the rest of the boxes. I began to open them all up and take all the items out. It was a nice mind-numbing task that kept me from spiraling, another thing my therapist had explained to me.

First I put away all the kitchenware, making sure to take my time and organize everything so as not follow my usual habits of throwing everything out of sight just to get it done. I was just about to take my bedding box up to my room when there was a knock at the door. I groaned audibly. I figured it was the guy I sent for to come set up my TV and cable so, stupidly, I opened the door without checking and immediately regretted it.

John stood before me, hands shoved into his pockets, and his demeanor was vastly different than it had been earlier. He seemed humbled and guilty. Good, I thought.

"Hi." He almost squeaked out.

"I don't know if I want to talk to you." I tried mustering up the best 'I-feel-nothing-look' that I could.

"I- I know, I was super out of line for snapping at you and I'm truly sorry." Those eyes could kill me if he stared too long, I thought. I had to have dated him, there's no way I could've only stayed friends with a guy that looked at me that way. I'm too weak for that.

He looked down and watched the gravel on the front porch scatter as he kicked it.

"I brought something I'd like you to see though," He gave me a hopeful glance and pulled his wallet out of his back pocket.

I stepped back, not sure if I really wanted to stay here and let him bring up more of the past he was so obviously hurt by. But he obviously took my stepping back as a 'welcome inside' gesture and entered. I sighed and shut the door after him. He continued to shuffle his fingers across several items in the wallet while quietly muttering to himself.

"I- I know I have no idea what you went through, or why you don't remember anything. I'm sorry that I snapped and said all those things, I'm sure you did what you did for good reasons, but I'd like to try and help you remember... If I can." He spun around on his heels and faced me, holding what looked like a well-weathered picture. He beamed at me, then looked back at the picture with a look of nostalgia. He handed it to me slowly, as if it was the most fragile and precious object he owned.

The photo was of two teenagers I didn't recognize. One of them bore a resemblance to him, though this person looked young, happy, and full of hope. While the man that stood before me look sad, lonely, and weathered by the cruelty of life. What I could only assume was his younger counterpart had long shaggy hair that covered most of his face. He was grinning like an idiot and had his arm around a reluctant but happy girl. She was short and had long dark chestnut hair. She leaned into his hug but had a look of embarrassment on her face, as if she didn't want her picture taken, but had been convinced.

I came to realize this girl must be me. It didn't look much like me, but it had to be. Our faces were the same but her hair was different and her face seemed softer and more kind. She looked innocent, young and happy.

I sat on the armrest of the couch and looked at the photo in bewilderment. Why couldn't I remember this moment? This was a moment of my life preserved forever on this piece of paper but not in my memory. I felt so wrong. I had lived this but couldn't recall it at all. I didn't even recognize it was a photo of me at first!

John was now sitting by me on the armrest, he watched me with a smile planted on his lips that made me want to melt into him. Even if he had just made me burst into anxious tears just a few hours ago, I couldn't help but feel safe with him. It was strange how drawn to him I was. He looked down at his wallet, resting in his lazy hands on his lap.

"I have a lot more, but I don't want to overwhelm you." His smiled changed now to one of pain.

"Thank you for showing me," I smiled sweetly at him. "I'm sorry I don't remember anything or if I hurt you in some way." I paused "I know I was going through a lot back then and I was probably a huge asshole." I laughed awkwardly and handed the photo back to him.

His downcast look immediately perked up into that goofy grin he had in the picture.
"No, keep it, you need it now..." He paused. "Just don't you get lost in nostalgia." He smiled lightly "...and Clara, It's really okay. I had no right to react that way, I guess all these years without answers have made me cruel." He looked down at his wallet again. "We used to be best friends, it's been so hard to not have anyone to complain about Jared to, or go to for advice or whatever." He scratched the back of his neck and chuckled. "So, why did you leave here? You don't have to answer if you don't want to, I just, I don't know it was really sudden." He looked at me with a certain sadness behind his eyes that I couldn't place.

"No, no it's fine, I probably do owe you an explanation." I set the picture on the sofa arm as I went to the kitchen and began brewing some tea for us, thankful that I had already gotten this room unpacked. I leaned against the counter and tried to dig up some of the memories I still had left.

"I remember that that years ago I was here things got really rough." I paused a felt a prickle of hesitation in my mind. "I met someone, someone that was no good for me in every sense of the phrase." I bit my lip and snuck a peek at him. He was looking at me in confusion. "This guy, he was... older than me and well he took advantage of how naive and gullible I was. I loved him for a long time but then the house of cards fell in when my parents died. I felt so guilty. I felt guilty for not telling my dad about him, and I felt guilty that I had survived and they hadn't. I couldn't bear it anymore. This man offered me comfort and I gladly fell into his arms. We ran away from this town and never looked back... until now that is." I couldn't help but keep some details to myself. For my own protection. I looked down at my feet. I could already feel myself losing more and more pieces of the story. I wished I could put a lock on them all and keep them together but I knew they were slipping away.

"I remember you dating someone, but you wouldn't even tell me about him, but you usually told me everything. So you eloped with an older guy? To run away from your problems?" He asked. His voice seemed soft though, not accusatory or judgemental, just pitying, I'm not sure which was worse.

"Yeah, I guess if that what you want to call it." I shrugged and picked up the tea of the brewer and offered it to him. He smiled slightly and accepted it, taking a sip. "I didn't really know how to handle anything..." I began to brew a second cup. He swallowed loudly and cleared his throat.

"So, did you actually marry him or was he just some escape?"

"I- I don't think I did but, who knows what that man tricked me into. I don't remember a whole lot of being with him either." I turned away and picked up the freshly brewed mug, pulling it close to me and hugging it in my hands for warmth. I stared at the dancing colors of the tea and sugar mixing together.

"He still around?"
John's voice shook me out of my trance. I turned back to face him and tried to gather my thoughts.

"Uh- no, no he isn't."
John smiled halfheartedly and leaned against the island. "Well, that's good. Didn't seem like he treated you well from what I saw." He looked down at his tea, "I'm really glad you're back Clara."