Book of Me and You

I shot straight up out of bed, or in this case the floor. My heart rate was skyrocketing. I fucking hated that the only times I could remember anything were in my nightmares. But then again I guess nightmares are based on fears, mine are based on reality. I shook it off quickly, as it hadn't been the first morning I had been awakened by that memory.

I barely remembered anything after the toast Kennedy gave, I guess it wasn't a new sensation for me though. I hope I didn't do anything stupid... I thought. I looked down at my side, my phone lay next to me almost dead. I quickly unlocked it and checked the damage.

17 Messages
5 Missed Calls
2 Missed Voicemails

Fuck. All from Teddy. What did I do??

A day or two after I fled, I wound up in Kirkland, Washington. I posted an ad on Craigslist for a roommate, since I was trying to save up money to buy back the old house. Teddy was the first person to respond. She was a tall, sweet brunette. She had a baby face but was littered with tattoos. She was that type of girl that attracted every guy she walked past, but none of them dared disrespect her, which always made me feel safe around her.

She really took me in and rescued me after I left James. We instantly clicked. She worked for a publishing company, and made a decent wage, while I worked odd jobs off and on. She was my closest friend. She helped me get back on my feet after James; helped me work on getting out of the toxic headspace I had been forced into for years, helped my confidence, and even tried setting me up with a few friends...though none had worked out. I was nowhere near ready to date back then.

We had a falling out when I told her I was moving back, she thought it was the worst idea I'd ever had, and I'd had some astonishingly bad ones being the 'party girl' I was. She thought I was being reckless and stupid, she'd wanted me to stay where we knew I was safe, but I couldn't. Maybe she was right.

I 'll have to deal with that mess later.

I rubbed my face and looked around. A few guys were sleeping on the floor in various places, red cups littered the floor and the smell of booze and pizza intoxicated the air. I almost wanted to gag. Then I smelt it: warm, smokey, woody, bacon. I pulled off an old plaid blanket that was haphazardly thrown on me and stood, feeling the spins come back around. I steadied myself on the couch next to me and cursed myself for getting so wild last night.

Once I made my way up the stairs, I was able to find the bathroom to clean up a bit. My hair was a disaster and my makeup was smeared to all hell. I took a damp paper towel and wiped it off, then tied my hair up with an elastic I still had on my wrist. I took a moment to inspect myself. I guess I looked presentable enough, probably better than some of the guys looked right now.

I didn't remember much but I did remember that John and I seemed to hold our liquor a lot better than they did last night.

I found my way to the kitchen where John stood. His back was to me and he was cooking bacon over the griddle. He wore an old tattered up black tee and some gray sweatpants, seemingly bleached from washing them wrong. I smiled and walked up to him pulling myself up onto the island behind him.

"Give it to me straight, how cringy was I last night?" I asked, making a grimacing face. He turned around and laughed lightly.

"You weren't too bad. Still the same old Clara." His eyes shot down to his bare feet with a half smile, but he seemed to be looking miles away.

"What does that mean?" I chuckled. "It's not like I know who the-old-Clara is you know?" I joked.

"Ah nothin'" He returned to the sizzling bacon. "You and Kennedy just really seem to hit it off still."

Oh no... did I hook up with him??

"Oof... don't tell me that means what I think it does..."

"What?" His head turned slightly in my direction. "Oh, no... no you guys just made out. I think he tried to get you to go upstairs and you freaked out a little so I made him leave." His voice was flat and empty.

"Oh, shit what happened? How did I freak out?" I felt a tinge of anxiety creep up into my chest, remembering how I used to panic when I lived with Teddy and how she would have to calm me down for hours upon hours.

"Nothing bad or anything, you just seemed anxious and told him no, but he was pretty drunk and raised his voice so I kicked him out..." He flipped the bacon, causing it to sizzle loudly enough for us both to pause. "We had it out a bit outside but he was so wasted I doubt he remembers shit." His voice was still so monotone, it was eerily familiar to the way James spoke when he was disappointed in me. I cringed slightly at the thought. John's had a soft tone to it though, he wasn't upset with me, though I still felt guilty.

"I'm sorry, I feel like I caused all this. I didn't mean for you guys to get into a fight."

"Don't feel bad you were having fun, I'm just glad you're feeling at home again." He turned around again and gave me a soft genuine smile.

"You seem content this morning after all that..." I smiled back.

"Oh, I'm day drinking... Hair of the dog Darlin'." He picked up a glass behind him and raised it before taking a big sip. I laughed a little harder than I should. He handed me the glass and I gladly took a sip. He turned back to the griddle and shut it off, removing all the bacon to drain.

"Well I should call my friend back, seems I may have worried her last night." I joked and excused myself before stepping into the main entrance hallway, not knowing what to expect. I unlocked my phone, clicked on her name and it began ringing.

"Clara! Jesus Christ are you alright??" Her voice was loud and raspy, it sounded like she hadn't slept at all. It made my already pounding head hurt even worse.

"Yeah, yeah I'm alright. I don't really remember anything, but I'm all good." I admitted, shame dripping off my words.

"You butt-dialed me so much last night, what even happened? Where were you? All I heard was loud music and lots of talking, then it sounded like a huge fight broke out, then it sounded like you were crying."

"Fuck Teddy I'm sorry I didn't mean to worry you, I was alright. I guess I made out with some guy at this party and things got too heavy and he wouldn't let up, so then John stepped in. I don't really know what happened, I'm still trying to piece it together myself."

"Wait, what?? Why haven't you told me about any of this? Whos John? And what dude were you making out with? Do I need to come down there?? It really sounds like you're getting back into your old routines... I mean partying? You just moved back!" She was panicking, I could tell the butt-dialed calls she had heard had to be more serious than John was letting on.

"I- I don't know, things are just so crazy down here man, I've barely gotten a moment to breathe. But trust me these guys aren't like that, they're not James. They're some old friends from my past." I pleaded, now aware as I spoke out loud how childish I sounded, like a teenager trying to explain her choices to her parents. It was embarrassing, I felt the blood rush to my cheeks in shame. "They're good guys Ted, really."

"You mean the past you don't even remember?" She sighed loudly. "Why do you trust people so easily?" Her voice was almost a whisper, as if she wasn't really asking me, but rather just reciting an irritation to the wind. I stayed quiet. My heart pounding. I didn't know if it was anxiety from confrontation, anger, or both. "Okay well, I guess if things are really that busy I'll let you get back to it. Just... promise me you'll call tonight and fill me in? I'm starting to worry, maybe you shouldn't be down there all by yourself." Her voice was full of disappointment, I could almost see her standing in her apartment, torso leaned over the countertop and resting on her elbows, hand placed on her forehead with dismay. I internally groaned.

Why do you always do this? You cause so much disappointment. Why can't you ever just meet peoples completely reasonable expectations??

"Yes. I promise I'll call. I'm sorry." I didn't know what else to say, I didn't want her to worry about me, she had done so much for me already. The last thing she needed was to be anxious about my dumbass down here in Arizona. We said our goodbyes and hung up.

She was right though. I had been reckless. I came down here after escaping a horrible, psychotically cruel relationship, and I jump back into this 'old life'? Who's to say these guys were any better than James? I mean I did obviously have a pattern, and I did meet James here in this town. It didn't exactly sound like last night went super well... I decided I should probably just forget about it and get home to clear my mind.

"Hey, John?" I wandered back into the kitchen, my cheeks reddening at the thought of everyone overhearing my conversation with Teddy. A few of the guys were up now and chowing down on the breakfast he had made. He stood by the counter with several liquor bottles, making yet another drink.

Yikes.

"Yeah? Whats up Darlin'?" He smiled and strolled over.

"Um, I should probably get going. I feel weird about last night, and I think I need to just go wash off all this regret in the shower." I laughed lightly. He nodded, taking another sip.

"Yeah, I know how that is." he inhaled deeply, grimacing from the whiskey slightly. "Just uh, let me know if Kennedy shows up. He might only remember the good parts of last night, and I don't want him fucking with you." He stared over my head, watching the TV that played quietly in the room behind me.

"Okay, yeah sure. Well thanks for the party, sorry again if I did anything stupid!" I joked awkwardly. He smiled and nodded as I began to walk out and back home.