Status: Active! (//11-20-18//) (Uni is hell im sorry im trying)
Book of Me and You
When I'm At Home
Once I was back at home I felt much more at ease. Although I had a good time, I just felt so out of place. Everyone remembered me for who I used to be, what if I couldn't live up to those expectations? I groaned audibly as I headed upstairs for a shower.
Showering always gave me a good long time to think. As the scalding hot water burned my skin and washed away last night's mistakes, I began wondering why I came back to this damn town in the first place. Teddy was right, being down here was dangerous. If James had survived, which knowing him, and knowing my luck, he did, this would be the first place he'd come looking. And even if he wasn't alive or didn't come after me, what if I just got sucked into another toxic relationship? It wouldn't be the first time I made the same mistake twice.
No... I'm having a good time, and I'm smarter and wiser now. These boys have been nothing but wonderful to me, given the circumstances. After the initial hellos and drama of me coming back, everyone has been happy to have me around, and for once I felt at home. I wasn't lost... I was finally found. I don't know why Teddy thinks that I can't do this on my own.
I stepped out of the shower, turned off the water, and yanked the towel from the rack. I angrily scrubbed it against my hair to dry it, then wrapped it around myself. I picked up the phone and called her.
"Hey, that was pretty fast." She answered, her tone softer now than it had been earlier.
"Yeah, I went home right after, seemed kind of awkward to stay over there any longer."
"So tell me everything."
"I don't really know where to start, I mean, the second I pulled up I was greeted by my neighbors, and they had both been friends of mine way back when... said we all used to hang out as kids in the cul de sac. First I met this guy named Jared, he's a really sweet guy, he always makes sure to fill me in when I'm confused and don't remember something. He's the most understanding of all this... then he introduced me to John..."
I paused, not knowing how much I should tell her, based on how much she overreacted earlier.
"We had a-an interesting introduction, but I'd say it was probably warranted. Seems like there may have been something between us at some point but I honestly can't tell, he's pretty hard to read... but he's been really sweet since then." I paused again, thinking of how to tell her about Kennedy.
Maybe leave that out for now.
"Oh my god, Clara... are you sure you should be talking to someone that you think you had a thing with? I mean look at 'your type'." She lectured. I nodded to myself, suddenly aware that leaving out Kennedy from the recap was a smart choice.
"Honestly, I don't know Teddy. I'm figuring things out again for the first time, I'm doing my best. Of course, I'm cautious, but I'm also trying to live my life again, you know? I'm sick of being afraid. I'm sick of staying inside, avoiding dating, and blaming myself for everything. It feels more toxic than staying with James would've been. I don't even live my life anymore, I just cower in the corners with my tail between my legs, too terrified to take chances. Anyone can be abusive, anyone can be dangerous. I know I tend to give myself a certain disposition to danger, but what's life without some risks?"
I paused, suddenly aware how out of breath I was.
"I'm sorry, I just feel like sometimes you don't trust me. You act like I'm a child. You took care of me and got me back on my feet, and I am forever grateful, but I also can't live in the shadows anymore." I slid down the cabinets in the bathroom and sat on the floor. "Maybe I can't do this all on my own, but I'll be damned if I don't try. I won't let him take my life away from me." My face felt hot and wet. I raised a hand and felt my cheek, I was crying. I hadn't even noticed.
"Fuck dude. I'm sorry. I didn't know you were feeling that way. I don't even know what to say... You're completely right." She paused, her voice was soft and quiet, I almost had to strain to hear. "I just worry about you. I know I probably overreacted this morning, but you didn't say anything after you got there, just a text that your plane landed, and that was it. I was so worried about you. I don't know these guys, I don't know that town, of course I'm gonna be worried. I just know that you're so loyal and so trusting that it became a fault for you. And if there was any good fault to have it would be those, but they do get you into a lot of trouble."
"I know, but I'm working on it..." I squeaked out.
"Okay, well... please call me if anything happens, or you need someone to talk to or anything... okay? I miss hearing from you."
"I will."
We said our goodbyes once again and hung up. Although I was relieved that we settled things, I still couldn't help but feel like shit. I just wanted this to be over. The whole James bullshit. I hated that it affected me to this ridiculous extent. I wished I would've lost all memory of him, instead of my life here. I buried my face in my hands and broke down. My face was red hot and my breaths were hard to come by. Fuck I hated panic attacks. I stopped myself from thinking and starting to spiral. I took in three huge breaths and exhaled slowly between sobs.
I sobbed quietly on the bathroom floor, delusional feelings of hopelessness now returning as the cold tile gave me goosebumps and the hard dry wood of the cabinet bit into my back.
The doorbell rang. Fuck just let it ring, I can't even be bothered to get out of this wet towel and get dressed right now. I walked to the bedroom and collapsed on the bed, my wet hair making me shiver. What the fuck was I even doing? I took all this time to be so careful to escape him, and I come back to the one place he's gonna come searching. Maybe I did need some help down here. I can't just keep all of this to myself. I opened up my phone and did a quick search on cheap therapies nearby, as the page loaded my screen illuminated with a call. John.
Goddamnit, I did not want to talk to him right now.
Still, I answered. Clearing my throat to make my voice seem as normal as possible, not like I'd just had a massive breakdown.
"Hey," I said flatly, I couldn't muster the energy to form any emotion through my words.
"Hey, whats up? I rang the doorbell but you didn't answer? I wanted to check in and make sure you're alright."
"Why?" My flat tone threw him off, he paused for a second.
"- I don't know, last night was crazy and I was pretty dead this morning. You seemed like you left in a hurry after that call with your friend or whatever. You just seemed rattled." His voice had an apologetic tone I didn't exactly trust.
"You didn't seem too worried when I left. And you made last night seem pretty routine. I don't really remember anything."
His pause was longer now.
"I- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to act like I didn't care, I was just so hungover and honestly so pissed off at Kennedy and I didn't want it to seem like I was mad at you. And I didn't want you to worry that we let anything happen to you last night... because we didn't. The second that you seemed uncomfortable, I stepped in." He took another pause. "I know you've probably been through some rough shit since I've seen you and I didn't want anything bad to happen to you." His voice was soft and quiet, it almost had a squeaky tone to it, like he was nervous to even bring it up. "Can I come in? I just want to make sure you're okay..." The concern seemed to linger off his words.
"Yeah- just let me get dressed real quick, I just got out of the shower a minute ago." I hung up.
I rushed to get dressed and put my hair into a quick tight bun so it could dry on its own and headed downstairs. I opened the door and gave him a light smile and stepped to the side so he could enter.
"Whoa- hey," A look of deep concern painted across his face. Fuck I guess I still looked like shit. He placed his hands gently on my waist and turned to face me as I shut the door. Once I met his eyes, he swooped me into a hug. "I knew something was wrong. I could feel it." He muttered against my neck, his breath making me shiver. I suddenly felt the waves of emotions hit me, like the way your eyes begin to well up when someone asks if you're alright and you know you're not. I was uncomfortable in his grasp, but I still didn't want him to let go.
He pulled away and let his arm fall lightly down mine, treading his fingers along it until they met my hand and then he pulled gently, leading me to the couch.
"What do you need Darlin'? What can I do?" His face had a soft look of worry on it. His demeanor was completely opposite of what it had been at the house. I wanted to just collapse into him and cry.
"Nothin' I'm alright." I lied, putting on my fake smile.
"Clara, you can talk to me. I know it feels weird, but we used to be close. We would tell each other everything." He paused a moment, gathering his thoughts. "I don't wanna pry or... push you to tell me but if you need to talk I'm here... Darlin' I saw the way you pulled away from me before you left, and you didn't say anything about this boyfriend you had. I just don't want to lose you again because you think you can't talk to me." His eyes were pleading. I looked down at my lap, at a loss for words. One of his hands was rested on my knee and his other still grasping mine.
"I don't know what to tell you. I'm just... having a hard time adjusting I suppose." I met his eyes once again, he had a discouraged look. I felt like I should open up more, if he was trying this hard to get me to talk, then obviously he cared. "I just don't really know where to start, I don't know what you know about me and what you haven't heard yet, I'm sure there were rumors." I looked down once again.
"We don't have to get into it right now if you don't want to-"
I finally responded to him gasping my hand with a small squeeze of encouragement.
"No, no- we should do this... if we're gonna be hanging out all the time... we should get on the same page." I inhaled deeply.
"Where do you want me to start?"
☽☽☽
Showering always gave me a good long time to think. As the scalding hot water burned my skin and washed away last night's mistakes, I began wondering why I came back to this damn town in the first place. Teddy was right, being down here was dangerous. If James had survived, which knowing him, and knowing my luck, he did, this would be the first place he'd come looking. And even if he wasn't alive or didn't come after me, what if I just got sucked into another toxic relationship? It wouldn't be the first time I made the same mistake twice.
No... I'm having a good time, and I'm smarter and wiser now. These boys have been nothing but wonderful to me, given the circumstances. After the initial hellos and drama of me coming back, everyone has been happy to have me around, and for once I felt at home. I wasn't lost... I was finally found. I don't know why Teddy thinks that I can't do this on my own.
I stepped out of the shower, turned off the water, and yanked the towel from the rack. I angrily scrubbed it against my hair to dry it, then wrapped it around myself. I picked up the phone and called her.
"Hey, that was pretty fast." She answered, her tone softer now than it had been earlier.
"Yeah, I went home right after, seemed kind of awkward to stay over there any longer."
"So tell me everything."
"I don't really know where to start, I mean, the second I pulled up I was greeted by my neighbors, and they had both been friends of mine way back when... said we all used to hang out as kids in the cul de sac. First I met this guy named Jared, he's a really sweet guy, he always makes sure to fill me in when I'm confused and don't remember something. He's the most understanding of all this... then he introduced me to John..."
I paused, not knowing how much I should tell her, based on how much she overreacted earlier.
"We had a-an interesting introduction, but I'd say it was probably warranted. Seems like there may have been something between us at some point but I honestly can't tell, he's pretty hard to read... but he's been really sweet since then." I paused again, thinking of how to tell her about Kennedy.
Maybe leave that out for now.
"Oh my god, Clara... are you sure you should be talking to someone that you think you had a thing with? I mean look at 'your type'." She lectured. I nodded to myself, suddenly aware that leaving out Kennedy from the recap was a smart choice.
"Honestly, I don't know Teddy. I'm figuring things out again for the first time, I'm doing my best. Of course, I'm cautious, but I'm also trying to live my life again, you know? I'm sick of being afraid. I'm sick of staying inside, avoiding dating, and blaming myself for everything. It feels more toxic than staying with James would've been. I don't even live my life anymore, I just cower in the corners with my tail between my legs, too terrified to take chances. Anyone can be abusive, anyone can be dangerous. I know I tend to give myself a certain disposition to danger, but what's life without some risks?"
I paused, suddenly aware how out of breath I was.
"I'm sorry, I just feel like sometimes you don't trust me. You act like I'm a child. You took care of me and got me back on my feet, and I am forever grateful, but I also can't live in the shadows anymore." I slid down the cabinets in the bathroom and sat on the floor. "Maybe I can't do this all on my own, but I'll be damned if I don't try. I won't let him take my life away from me." My face felt hot and wet. I raised a hand and felt my cheek, I was crying. I hadn't even noticed.
"Fuck dude. I'm sorry. I didn't know you were feeling that way. I don't even know what to say... You're completely right." She paused, her voice was soft and quiet, I almost had to strain to hear. "I just worry about you. I know I probably overreacted this morning, but you didn't say anything after you got there, just a text that your plane landed, and that was it. I was so worried about you. I don't know these guys, I don't know that town, of course I'm gonna be worried. I just know that you're so loyal and so trusting that it became a fault for you. And if there was any good fault to have it would be those, but they do get you into a lot of trouble."
"I know, but I'm working on it..." I squeaked out.
"Okay, well... please call me if anything happens, or you need someone to talk to or anything... okay? I miss hearing from you."
"I will."
We said our goodbyes once again and hung up. Although I was relieved that we settled things, I still couldn't help but feel like shit. I just wanted this to be over. The whole James bullshit. I hated that it affected me to this ridiculous extent. I wished I would've lost all memory of him, instead of my life here. I buried my face in my hands and broke down. My face was red hot and my breaths were hard to come by. Fuck I hated panic attacks. I stopped myself from thinking and starting to spiral. I took in three huge breaths and exhaled slowly between sobs.
☽☽☽
"Go grab my keys for me." His voice was quiet but demanding. I stood up from the couch and went into the kitchen to grab them off the hook. James was leaving for two weeks to Japan to try and merge his company with one overseas. He had never left me before, and I had no idea what I would do with all my free time now. He didn't want me to work, he said it was more helpful to him if I were just the housewife type, and kept everything tidy for him since he paid all my bills.
I handed him the keys and stood on my tiptoes waiting for my goodbye.
"Thank you, princess." He wrapped his hand around my waist and pulled me closer, making me lose balance and lean into him. He kissed me slow and hard. I could taste the rum on his lips still from when he made his drink this morning.
"You know what to do right? Keep the house locked up, and try not to go out too much, I don't need any bad publicity when I'm trying to make this merger happen." He paused and looked down at me. His voice was soft and low and his expression was condescending, yet held a hint of a warning. I looked down at my feet.
"Yeah, I know."
"Good... I left you some money on the counter. It's enough to get you some food and anything you may need this while I'm gone." He looked down at his watch, adjusting it beneath the cuff of his grey suit. "You be good kiddo." He looked back up at me with disinterest and kissed the top of my head. "I'll be back at 2:45 next Sunday." And with that, he was out the door.
I immediately felt the weight of the silence filling the monstrous house. Anxiety began to creep up my spine. What do I do now? I had never been alone here before, it felt eerie and wrong. Like at any moment, James would step back through the door and tell me I'm behind schedule, and I should have had my chores done by now. I shook off that thought and decided to get started on said chores.
...
Day One: I finished the chores for the first week already. The house is so quiet.
Day Two: I watch a few movies in bed. Today feels like a waste.
Day Three: James texts me. "Are you sticking to that diet we talked about?" I weigh myself, 90lbs.
Day Four: James texts again. "Have you finished the list I left you?" I don't answer, I nap instead. When I wake up, I have 12 missed calls from him.
Day Five and Six: I barely get out of bed.
Day Seven: James calls at 4:45 AM. I pick up. He rides me for being up so late, then berated me for not updating him the past few days. I binge eat the rest of the day, then immediately felt shitty about it.
Day Eight: I gained three pounds since he left, I call him and try to vent, he tells me it's what I deserve for being so selfish and eating so much.
Day Nine: This isn't normal.
Day Ten: He's called at 5 AM every day now. I try to talk to him about how rude he's been acting. He tells me I'm being crazy and he never called me selfish, it's just what I wanted to hear. I was just picking fights with him because I was bored and I needed to grow up. I hung up.
Day Eleven: This is not normal.
Day Twelve: He dictated every single aspect of my life. He told me when to wake up: when and what to eat, what to wear, what to do with my time, when to have free time, when and how to fuck, and when I can sleep. I had absolutely no free will. These days without him I was miserable because I didn't have a schedule to stick to. It was up to me what to do, and even though he gave me that freedom, he still got pissed when I didn't do it his way. He had made me completely and willingly dependant on him. I was stuck. There was no way I could leave here.
That had been his plan all along... he was doing this to fucking trap me.
☽☽☽
"Go grab my keys for me." His voice was quiet but demanding. I stood up from the couch and went into the kitchen to grab them off the hook. James was leaving for two weeks to Japan to try and merge his company with one overseas. He had never left me before, and I had no idea what I would do with all my free time now. He didn't want me to work, he said it was more helpful to him if I were just the housewife type, and kept everything tidy for him since he paid all my bills.
I handed him the keys and stood on my tiptoes waiting for my goodbye.
"Thank you, princess." He wrapped his hand around my waist and pulled me closer, making me lose balance and lean into him. He kissed me slow and hard. I could taste the rum on his lips still from when he made his drink this morning.
"You know what to do right? Keep the house locked up, and try not to go out too much, I don't need any bad publicity when I'm trying to make this merger happen." He paused and looked down at me. His voice was soft and low and his expression was condescending, yet held a hint of a warning. I looked down at my feet.
"Yeah, I know."
"Good... I left you some money on the counter. It's enough to get you some food and anything you may need this while I'm gone." He looked down at his watch, adjusting it beneath the cuff of his grey suit. "You be good kiddo." He looked back up at me with disinterest and kissed the top of my head. "I'll be back at 2:45 next Sunday." And with that, he was out the door.
I immediately felt the weight of the silence filling the monstrous house. Anxiety began to creep up my spine. What do I do now? I had never been alone here before, it felt eerie and wrong. Like at any moment, James would step back through the door and tell me I'm behind schedule, and I should have had my chores done by now. I shook off that thought and decided to get started on said chores.
...
Day One: I finished the chores for the first week already. The house is so quiet.
Day Two: I watch a few movies in bed. Today feels like a waste.
Day Three: James texts me. "Are you sticking to that diet we talked about?" I weigh myself, 90lbs.
Day Four: James texts again. "Have you finished the list I left you?" I don't answer, I nap instead. When I wake up, I have 12 missed calls from him.
Day Five and Six: I barely get out of bed.
Day Seven: James calls at 4:45 AM. I pick up. He rides me for being up so late, then berated me for not updating him the past few days. I binge eat the rest of the day, then immediately felt shitty about it.
Day Eight: I gained three pounds since he left, I call him and try to vent, he tells me it's what I deserve for being so selfish and eating so much.
Day Nine: This isn't normal.
Day Ten: He's called at 5 AM every day now. I try to talk to him about how rude he's been acting. He tells me I'm being crazy and he never called me selfish, it's just what I wanted to hear. I was just picking fights with him because I was bored and I needed to grow up. I hung up.
Day Eleven: This is not normal.
Day Twelve: He dictated every single aspect of my life. He told me when to wake up: when and what to eat, what to wear, what to do with my time, when to have free time, when and how to fuck, and when I can sleep. I had absolutely no free will. These days without him I was miserable because I didn't have a schedule to stick to. It was up to me what to do, and even though he gave me that freedom, he still got pissed when I didn't do it his way. He had made me completely and willingly dependant on him. I was stuck. There was no way I could leave here.
That had been his plan all along... he was doing this to fucking trap me.
☽☽☽
I sobbed quietly on the bathroom floor, delusional feelings of hopelessness now returning as the cold tile gave me goosebumps and the hard dry wood of the cabinet bit into my back.
The doorbell rang. Fuck just let it ring, I can't even be bothered to get out of this wet towel and get dressed right now. I walked to the bedroom and collapsed on the bed, my wet hair making me shiver. What the fuck was I even doing? I took all this time to be so careful to escape him, and I come back to the one place he's gonna come searching. Maybe I did need some help down here. I can't just keep all of this to myself. I opened up my phone and did a quick search on cheap therapies nearby, as the page loaded my screen illuminated with a call. John.
Goddamnit, I did not want to talk to him right now.
Still, I answered. Clearing my throat to make my voice seem as normal as possible, not like I'd just had a massive breakdown.
"Hey," I said flatly, I couldn't muster the energy to form any emotion through my words.
"Hey, whats up? I rang the doorbell but you didn't answer? I wanted to check in and make sure you're alright."
"Why?" My flat tone threw him off, he paused for a second.
"- I don't know, last night was crazy and I was pretty dead this morning. You seemed like you left in a hurry after that call with your friend or whatever. You just seemed rattled." His voice had an apologetic tone I didn't exactly trust.
"You didn't seem too worried when I left. And you made last night seem pretty routine. I don't really remember anything."
His pause was longer now.
"I- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to act like I didn't care, I was just so hungover and honestly so pissed off at Kennedy and I didn't want it to seem like I was mad at you. And I didn't want you to worry that we let anything happen to you last night... because we didn't. The second that you seemed uncomfortable, I stepped in." He took another pause. "I know you've probably been through some rough shit since I've seen you and I didn't want anything bad to happen to you." His voice was soft and quiet, it almost had a squeaky tone to it, like he was nervous to even bring it up. "Can I come in? I just want to make sure you're okay..." The concern seemed to linger off his words.
"Yeah- just let me get dressed real quick, I just got out of the shower a minute ago." I hung up.
I rushed to get dressed and put my hair into a quick tight bun so it could dry on its own and headed downstairs. I opened the door and gave him a light smile and stepped to the side so he could enter.
"Whoa- hey," A look of deep concern painted across his face. Fuck I guess I still looked like shit. He placed his hands gently on my waist and turned to face me as I shut the door. Once I met his eyes, he swooped me into a hug. "I knew something was wrong. I could feel it." He muttered against my neck, his breath making me shiver. I suddenly felt the waves of emotions hit me, like the way your eyes begin to well up when someone asks if you're alright and you know you're not. I was uncomfortable in his grasp, but I still didn't want him to let go.
He pulled away and let his arm fall lightly down mine, treading his fingers along it until they met my hand and then he pulled gently, leading me to the couch.
"What do you need Darlin'? What can I do?" His face had a soft look of worry on it. His demeanor was completely opposite of what it had been at the house. I wanted to just collapse into him and cry.
"Nothin' I'm alright." I lied, putting on my fake smile.
"Clara, you can talk to me. I know it feels weird, but we used to be close. We would tell each other everything." He paused a moment, gathering his thoughts. "I don't wanna pry or... push you to tell me but if you need to talk I'm here... Darlin' I saw the way you pulled away from me before you left, and you didn't say anything about this boyfriend you had. I just don't want to lose you again because you think you can't talk to me." His eyes were pleading. I looked down at my lap, at a loss for words. One of his hands was rested on my knee and his other still grasping mine.
"I don't know what to tell you. I'm just... having a hard time adjusting I suppose." I met his eyes once again, he had a discouraged look. I felt like I should open up more, if he was trying this hard to get me to talk, then obviously he cared. "I just don't really know where to start, I don't know what you know about me and what you haven't heard yet, I'm sure there were rumors." I looked down once again.
"We don't have to get into it right now if you don't want to-"
I finally responded to him gasping my hand with a small squeeze of encouragement.
"No, no- we should do this... if we're gonna be hanging out all the time... we should get on the same page." I inhaled deeply.
"Where do you want me to start?"
♠ ♠ ♠
Yay! I fixed the mistakes lol. Let me know what you guys think!!!