If We Jump

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We had been in Rhode Island for a little over a month and already we had five songs written. We only needed 7 or 8 more so we were able to take a little time to hang out with our friends, mainly Dakotah.

I really was happy that we could be friends now. I know it’s been such a long time, but I still missed her. Tonight, we were going out to the zoo. Of course, Brian picked it. John and Jess went to pick up Dakotah. The rest of us took my car to meet them there.

We bought sodas from one of the concession stands and John and Dakotah bought fries to split. I know I shouldn’t, but I actually felt a little bit of jealousy watching her laugh and eat with him. I used to do cute things like that with her when we were together, and I guess now, being with her, I’m remembering how in love with her I was - how in love with her I still am.

“Let’s go see the giraffes” I suggested. Dakotah gave me a smile. They were her favorite. John led her over to get some food to feed them. She looked so adorable, standing there with the biggest smile on her face, as she was petting them and feeding them. When she was done, she insisted that I did it. She showed me how and smiled. They really were beautiful animals, I had to give her that.

Just like her. She was beautiful too. She still is.

Anyway, after the zoo we went to a small restaurant we passed on our way there. She sat next to John, across from me.

"So how's Arizona been?" she asked. It seemed like all we talked about was the distance. All of us. We were all avoiding the same conversation, doing anything we could to shy away from it. We should have been talking about ourselves, about her moving, leaving us all behind, and losing our best friend. No one wanted to have that conversation. We couldn't lose her again.

"It’s okay... Big, boring" John answered with a small smile. She nodded and we fell into a short silence.

"How’s your apartment?" Jess asked her.

"It's great, just a bit big now that everyone's gone home for the summer."

“They all went home and left you here?”

She nodded. “They all went home to see their families. Most of mine is already up here.”

“Well your mom and your brother are back in Arizona. We’re back in Arizona.” Brian had said, wrinkling his forehead. Thankfully, the waitress showed up to take our orders.

Dakotah seemed to be picking at her food, not really eating it. Something was bothering her, and most likely it was the conversation that just took place. I changed the topic to our band. We told her what we’d been up to and why we were here. We got so caught up in talking, we lost track of time. Our waitress had come over and told us they were closing. It was almost midnight.

Dakotah and I ended up in my car while everyone else went with Jess. I don’t know how it happened but it gave me an idea.

I pulled into the parking lot of her apartment building. She unbuckled her seat belt and opened her door. Once she had climbed out of the car and was about to walk away, the idea hit me. I rolled down my window and called after her. She turned to look at me.

“What are you doing tonight?” I smirked.

“Sleeping?”

“Do you want to go somewhere with me?” she glanced back up at the building before answering me. She nodded.

As she got back in the car, I searched the nearest beach on my phone. We used to always go to beaches. It was our place.

"What are we doing here?" she asked me when we arrived, following me onto the sand.

"They've always kind of been our place, you know? And it's a good place to think"

"What are you thinking about?" she asked as she sat down next to me.

"Us. Not you and I specifically, but the six of us. We used to be so close"

"That was a long time ago Stephen." she looked away from me.

"I thought maybe we could talk about it..." I suggested. "You avoid this conversation when everyone else is around, I thought you might just talk to me"

"What's there to talk about? You know what happened. You were there."

"That's why you left us? All of us? Because I made a stupid mistake?" she turned to face me. She looked like she was getting mad, just like she used to when we would argue.

"I left to go to school" she insisted. She always was stubborn to admit things.

"You never called. No texts. Nothing." that sharp, familiar pain had returned. The same one I had worked so hard to get rid of three years ago. I was hurt.

"Neither did you." her eyes looked glassy but not yet close to tears. The last thing I had wanted to do was make her cry, but we needed to have this discussion. Her and I both.

"I understand why you left me. I was stupid and I'm sorry. I don't get why you left them though. They're mad, Kodah. They're trying so hard to win you back but you just dropped them."

"Don't call me that" she winced at the name. I was the only one who ever called her that. "I had to leave them. I couldn't stay there. I need to go home." she stood up.

"We need to talk about this!" I stopped her.

"I had to leave them. I had to leave you. Everything reminded me of you, Stephen, everything. You think I would have been able to go see John without thinking of you or seeing you? It was so hard to get over what you'd done. It took months. Seeing you, thinking of you, would have killed me."

She was crying now. She walked past me and went down the beach. I left her alone for a little while to let her clear her head. After a few minutes I went to look for her. I had some things to say myself. I walked probably ten yards and hadn't come across her yet. "Dakotah!" I yelled. She had to still be here. She'd have no other way home. A few minutes later I found her, sitting on the sand wiping the moisture from her eyes.

"You never called me back" she looked up at me.

"What?"

"I called you. You never called me back" I hadn't sat down so she stood up so we could talk face to face.

She shook her head, confused. "All I got was that lousy text message Stephen. You never called"

"I called your house almost every day for months, Dakotah. I even went to your house but you were never home." she didn't know? No one had told her. It was usually her brother that had answered and said she didn't want to talk to me. I thought he gave her the messages though.

"I... I didn't know. No one told me." she looked about as confused as I did.

"I tried to fix it. I didn't know what else to do so I called but you never spoke to me. What else could I have done?" I really had no idea. I sat there for a week just trying to think of something to make up for my mistakes.

"Anything" she said quietly.

"What?"

"Literally anything and I would have melted in the palm of your hand." she said with a small laugh.

“I’m sorry”

“Yeah, me too” we didn’t say much after that. We walked along the beach and laid on the sand to look at the stars.