If We Jump

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John came and picked me up today. I had some time to think and I didn't really have any good reason to avoid the rest of them, they didn't do anything. As long as Stephen wasn't around, I'd be fine. They'd all be on their way back to Arizona soon enough.

We ended up at a bar close by. We had a couple drinks and we're just hanging out on our bar stools listening to the live band playing.

"Have you guys played any shows around here?" I asked, trying to make conversation.

He smiled, "We have before but not this year. If we did, would you come?"

"I'd think about it" I answered honestly. I knew he was trying to avoid talking about Stephen for me. But I had to get over it eventually, so why not start now?

"You know, you're allowed to talk about him if you want. I'm not gonna freak out or anything" I smirked and chuckled at me.

"Yeah, but I know it's a sore subject. You and I stayed close even when you moved. I don't want to lose you again".

"I've decided that Stephen no longer dictates who I should and shouldn't talk to. I stayed away from all of you before to avoid him and that wasn't fair, so I'm going to continue to avoid him, but I'm not going anywhere to the rest of you" I said, finish the last of my drink. John motioned to the bartender to bring us two more and they were given to us a moment later. And another. And another.

By now I had a few more than John because he knew he was driving. When we were ready to leave we split the tab and Got into his car. I felt like I was sitting on something so I reached under me and pulled out a piece of paper with my name written on it.

"What is this?" I asked him. He sighed

"It's from Stephen. The day after he drank his weight in Jack Daniels he asked me to give it to you."

I unfolded the paper and began to read it. Even after all this time, that's never what I expected to hear from him. Well, fuck you too. I crumpled it up and threw it into my purse.

I just needed my brain to shut off for a little while. I needed just a couple hours of Stephen-free thoughts. No feelings. No overthinking. No conversations with him repeating over and over again in my head.

John reached over and touched my arm, asking if I was okay. Before I knew it, I was leaning in toward him and I could feel his hot breath on my lips. I closed the distance between us pressed my mouth firmly to his. He started to kiss me back and then gently pushed me away, putting his car in drive.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. I shouldn't have done that."

"Listen," he said, "I'm pissed off at him too. But I won't do that to my brother. You want to move on, I get it. But it can't be with me" he looked over at me sympathetically.

He dropped me off outside my building and said he would text me tomorrow. I walked inside and asked my other roommate Sara if we could have some girl time. I needed help sorting all this out.

"I don't know. I just feel like I'm spiraling out of control. I don't want to feel like this anymore".

"It sounds like you're toxic to each other when you're not together. Maybe you should talk to him. Don't kiss him or anything, just talk and figure something out that feels right for the both of you, whether it's no contact or friendship or whatever" she said.

"That's the problem" I answered, wiping the remaining moisture from my eyes. "I can't 'just talk' to him. I see him and my brain just floods and I can't think straight".

"Well you're not thinking straight now so what's the difference. Give it one last try. I'm just a quick text away if you need anything." She assured me. I nodded and I could feel my heart race at the thought of calling him. Sara walked over to her dresser and then sat back on the bed with a small bag of pot. "Want something to take the edge off a little?"

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I got out of the shower just as I heard a knock on my door. Fuck, I thought I had more time before she got here. I wrapped a towel around my waist and opened the door. I heard her breath catch in her throat as she looked at me and it made my pulse race.

"Sorry, I thought I had more time" I said, moving out of the way so she could enter my room.

"I can come back... later" she said pointing to the staircase behind her.

"No, no its fine just stay here a minute" I grabbed a pile of clothes off my bed and walked into my bathroom. I dried myself off and got dressed, rubbing the towel on my hair. I didn't have time to make it look any better. This already wasn't going like I planned.

I walked back into my room and she was sitting cross legged on my bed. I stood there for a minute, trying to decide if I should sit down as well. She avoided meeting my eyes, "we need to actually talk about this. Not like last time". I nodded in agreement and sat down next her, leaning my back against the wall.

"Did you get sprayed by a skunk?" I laughed. She covered her mouth with her hand to hide her smirk. "Since when do you smoke pot?"

"I don't. It was Sara's idea. She thought it would help." She admitted.

The room was filled with an awkward silence until she spoke again. "I got your note. Trying to relive middle school?"

I let out a small laugh. "I meant it. I really am sorry. For screwing up what we had in the first place, for going to your apartment, for even coming here", I told her and she just stared down at her lap.

"And you want to see other people. Stephen, we're not together you can date whoever you want. I never wanted to hold you back from living your life" I had to bite my lip to stop myself from saying what I thought. That I didn't want to date anyone if I couldn't have her. "but we need to do something. We're stuck in this vicious cycle with each other."

"What do you want to do?" I asked quietly, already fearing the worst.

"I don't know what I want to do. It's up to you, I guess. We can try to get through this awkwardness and be friends or we can just stop everything right here and I'll stay out of your life"

"I still want you in my life," I told her and she looked up to meet my eyes. She was so calm and collected and perfect. "Even if we can't be together, I don't want you to just disappear"

"If this is about John, Jess, Brian, or Josh, they can make their own decisions and decide if I'm in or out of their lives"

"No it has nothing to do with them. They can hate me for messing up your friendships all they want. This is my decision and I want you to stay in my life" I told her. I could feel my hands start to shake because I was so nervous. I loved her so truly and deeply and this felt like a breakup all over again.

"Why are you nervous? You've known me forever" she said putting her hand on mine to keep it still.

"It just kind of feels like we're breaking up again" I told her truthfully.

"Yeah I know" she sighed.

"I need to know something" I took a deep breath trying get the nerve to ask her. "I promise to not to try anything regardless of your answer, I just need to know" she looked into my eyes and waited for the question.

"Are you still in love with me?"

"I've been trying my hardest not to be." She breathed. "I didn't think I was anymore, and then you randomly showed up in a coffee house and my brain went blank." She smiled, remembering. "But it's not that simple. We're toxic, Stephen. We go crazy with each other"

I shook my head, "we go crazy without each other" I blurted out without meaning to. "It's late. Maybe we should finish this tomorrow."

"Are you tired?"

"Not really. I'm just afraid of saying the wrong thing" I told her. I reached into my nightstand drawer and pulled out a cigarette. She watched me as I walked towards the door. I was about to tell her I'd be back in a minute, but she spoke instead.

"So that's it then? We're never going to get anywhere if you can't just open up and talk to me."

"You don't want me to open up.” I said.
“Yes I do, Stephen.”
“You don’t want me to open up. You won't listen. You don't want to hear that I can't sleep at night because you're not next to me. You don't want to hear that I can't even talk to another female without thinking about you. I can't sit there and talk to you without thinking about how soft your skin is and how warm you are. And you don't want to know how much it's killing me to not run over to you right now and kiss you" I hadn't realized I was yelling until I was finished. I could see her eyes fill up with tears and a few fell down her face. I hated it. I couldn't stand it when she was upset. I couldn't stand being the one who made her upset. And I couldn't do anything about it. I calmly turned around left the room to go outside for a few minutes.

I felt like everyone was watching me as I walked outside. They must have been able to hear me. I walked onto the patio and lit my cigarette trying to calm down. Just as I finished, Jess came out to join me. She gave me a long hug.

"I'm sorry that we weren't there for you as much as we should have been. None of us realized what you were really going through. Whatever you need, we're all here to help". I thanked her and walked slowly back up to my room, giving a small wave to each of the guys as I passed them. I wasn't sure if she would still be there or not. And I didn't know which would be worse. I paused in the hallway trying to pull myself together.

She was standing in front of my bed, looking out the window at the night sky. "I think I want to know now" she said and heard her sniffle.

"About Jamie?" I asked and she responded with a nod, still not turning to face me.

"Her mom had just died and she needed a friend. I don't know why she needed me, but it didn't feel right to turn her away when she was all alone" I started. I explained everything to her. I told her why I had been spending so much time with her. When I got up to the night of the party, I stopped, not knowing if I should keep going. Dakotah was staring at the ground and I couldn't read her expression. "I felt like you and I were drifting apart and I didn't know how to handle it. I got really, really drunk and went outside for some air. I started typing a message to you on my phone and she showed up behind me. I said I didn't think we should hang out anymore because you were too important and I got up to walk away from her. She started telling me that you deserved better. That you couldn't handle me leaving for months at a time on tour and that's why you didn't love me the same way I loved you. We heard a car pull up, and she turned to see who it was and all of sudden she was grabbing me. I wasn't thinking. I should have stopped her before she could kiss me but I thought I had already lost you".

She stayed quiet for a minute and finally turned to me. I wiped her cheek with my thumb and she wrapped her arms tightly around my waist. I rubbed her back and tried to think about anything other than how it would feel to kiss her again. When she let go, she stayed close and I couldn't help but notice her eyes glance down at my lips. I leaned in without realizing it, and she backed away.

"I should go" she said, picking her phone up off my bed and waving goodbye to me as she left my room. I plopped down onto my bed, trying to figure out what she thought. Was that what people call "closure"? Was I ever gonna see her again?