Blue Valentine
DECEMBER 29th, 1944
The letter sat before her, idle like a bomb. While it was as light as a feather, its weight was crushing her. Staring at it blankly with her chin against her arms, she considered what she was going to do when she finally opened it and read what she already knew in her heart. She sat up slowly, twisting the ring on her finger for comfort; it’s what she always did.
“Are you ever going to let me see that drawing from art class, James?” Mabel asked, strolling arm-in-arm with her biggest crush since elementary school.
“You know most people just call me Bucky, right?”
“Now where in the world would that nickname come from?”
“My middle name is Buchanan…James Buchanan Barnes. My folks always called me by my full name when I was bad and my friends took a liking to it and came up with Bucky.”
“You must’ve been bad quite often,” she teased and he shrugged innocently, “Which I don’t find at all so surprising since you are so blatantly sly at avoiding my question.”
“What was the question again?”
“I asked if you were ever going to show me that drawing you did of me.”
Casually, without a falter in his step or speech he spoke, “I’ll show it to you on the first night of our honeymoon.”
Mabel halted in her tracks, causing him to be drawn back as he attempted to keep walking, “James Buchanan Barnes, we are on our second date. What in the world are you talking about honeymoons for?”
“Leverage,” he said simply, leaning down to press a chaste kiss upon her lips.
Finally, she picked up the envelope and slowly ripped it open. Simply drawing the parchment out from it was an aching task, but when she thought about all the strength it took for James to make it this long in the war, her weakness was meager and she mustered up her power and opened the letter.
The first thing she noticed about the letter was the handwriting. Expecting typewriter print, she was happy to see the distinctly round scrawl of Steve, Bucky’s best friend who swiftly weaseled his way into her heart. He was much different now since she last saw him as a small, thin boy…they’d done an experiment on him and somehow he became the Captain America whom she saw plastered all over New York on propaganda posters. She didn’t understand it but she was happy to see him fight for his country as he always wanted to. Though his physiology was drastically changed, his face was just as sweet and his heart remained kind as he never failed to write her. That had been something Bucky struggled with. When she’d send him a note asking why he never responded he would always reply saying he thought he’d sent it but instead had forgotten it in his jacket pocket or some other silly, yet believably Bucky excuse. He was so forgetful… and he had the most adorably confused face that he always made when he was just a little bit lost on what was going on around him. She would often tease him that one day he’d wake up and not remember who he was.
One sentence into the letter she had to throw it back down and stand up from her seat. This was the one moment she had dreaded most of all and the longer she could hold it off the better. Her heart wrenched at the opening alone:
Dear Mabel,
It hurts me to know I cannot tell you this in person and be there with you to help you through this…and that you cannot help me, either.
She could practically hear Steve’s saddened voice as he would so eloquently speak it and she couldn’t bear to think of the fact that he would be hurting just as much as she. This thought, however, once again reminded her of the strength of both of her Brooklyn boys. After all, Steve, despite his grief, had to pen this for her sake. She knew she had to fight her pain and read on for him. For Bucky.
Even still, her dazed mind could only make sense of so much of it, words like train, fell and ravine stuck out like flares in the night. She read it over and over, trying to understand more and more each time. I tried to reach for him…but the metal bar broke. She shook her head as if it would clear her clouded thoughts. He loved you…would always talk about how he wanted the marriage to be. Though tears nearly blinded her eyes, she smiled at that. The other guys kept telling him he sounded like the bride with how much he had planned out in his mind. Her tears began to fall freely, silently.
P.S. I’ve included a letter to you that I found in his satchel that he’d forgotten to send…he always was so awful at that.
Her breath caught in her throat at this and she fumbled for the envelope, opening it once again to find a little folded note. Just the sight of his small, messy handwriting as it bled through the parchment was enough to break her. She cried out, unable to contain her sorrow. She could no longer be strong for him. Slowly, she slipped from her seat as her knees gave way to the weight of her pain and soon found herself on the tile kitchen floor, hand still pathetically shaking on the note resting on the counter as if it was the only thing to keep her afloat. But, of course, a tiny piece of paper was no comparison to a life raft and she slowly felt herself slipping further and further down in her tears. She kept imagining the sight of Bucky falling into the ravine below and she could only allow herself to drown with him.
Eventually, she dragged the paper down and read each word as if his velvet voice was speaking them into her ear:
Peaches, Steve is nuts. I mean it. He’s got this crazy plan to hijack a HYDRA train! They probably won’t even let me send this until after because it’s so wild we can’t risk any kind of interception. There’s only gonna be three of us who actually jump the train so if the Squids get wind of it ahead of time they’ll be waiting and we’ll be as good as toast. But if this is what it takes I’ll do it, you know I’d die for Steve after all…and I’ll do it especially if it helps us win the war so I can come home to you. By the way, have you picked out your dress yet? I know you can’t tell me about it or nothin’ but thinking about our wedding is kinda what keeps me going. If I just think about you alone, it hurts too much. Also, you asked me what colors I’d like for the theme and I’ve been thinking hard and I like the idea of just a light blue, maybe? It’ll match your eyes and it’ll probably look all right with my uniform. I really, really love you and I can’t stop thinking about you…Now to get on this train with Cuckoo Steve. We’re leaving first thing tomorrow morning. See you soon xoxo Buck
See you soon…See you soon.
“Are you ever going to let me see that drawing from art class, James?” Mabel asked, strolling arm-in-arm with her biggest crush since elementary school.
“You know most people just call me Bucky, right?”
“Now where in the world would that nickname come from?”
“My middle name is Buchanan…James Buchanan Barnes. My folks always called me by my full name when I was bad and my friends took a liking to it and came up with Bucky.”
“You must’ve been bad quite often,” she teased and he shrugged innocently, “Which I don’t find at all so surprising since you are so blatantly sly at avoiding my question.”
“What was the question again?”
“I asked if you were ever going to show me that drawing you did of me.”
Casually, without a falter in his step or speech he spoke, “I’ll show it to you on the first night of our honeymoon.”
Mabel halted in her tracks, causing him to be drawn back as he attempted to keep walking, “James Buchanan Barnes, we are on our second date. What in the world are you talking about honeymoons for?”
“Leverage,” he said simply, leaning down to press a chaste kiss upon her lips.
Finally, she picked up the envelope and slowly ripped it open. Simply drawing the parchment out from it was an aching task, but when she thought about all the strength it took for James to make it this long in the war, her weakness was meager and she mustered up her power and opened the letter.
The first thing she noticed about the letter was the handwriting. Expecting typewriter print, she was happy to see the distinctly round scrawl of Steve, Bucky’s best friend who swiftly weaseled his way into her heart. He was much different now since she last saw him as a small, thin boy…they’d done an experiment on him and somehow he became the Captain America whom she saw plastered all over New York on propaganda posters. She didn’t understand it but she was happy to see him fight for his country as he always wanted to. Though his physiology was drastically changed, his face was just as sweet and his heart remained kind as he never failed to write her. That had been something Bucky struggled with. When she’d send him a note asking why he never responded he would always reply saying he thought he’d sent it but instead had forgotten it in his jacket pocket or some other silly, yet believably Bucky excuse. He was so forgetful… and he had the most adorably confused face that he always made when he was just a little bit lost on what was going on around him. She would often tease him that one day he’d wake up and not remember who he was.
One sentence into the letter she had to throw it back down and stand up from her seat. This was the one moment she had dreaded most of all and the longer she could hold it off the better. Her heart wrenched at the opening alone:
Dear Mabel,
It hurts me to know I cannot tell you this in person and be there with you to help you through this…and that you cannot help me, either.
She could practically hear Steve’s saddened voice as he would so eloquently speak it and she couldn’t bear to think of the fact that he would be hurting just as much as she. This thought, however, once again reminded her of the strength of both of her Brooklyn boys. After all, Steve, despite his grief, had to pen this for her sake. She knew she had to fight her pain and read on for him. For Bucky.
Even still, her dazed mind could only make sense of so much of it, words like train, fell and ravine stuck out like flares in the night. She read it over and over, trying to understand more and more each time. I tried to reach for him…but the metal bar broke. She shook her head as if it would clear her clouded thoughts. He loved you…would always talk about how he wanted the marriage to be. Though tears nearly blinded her eyes, she smiled at that. The other guys kept telling him he sounded like the bride with how much he had planned out in his mind. Her tears began to fall freely, silently.
P.S. I’ve included a letter to you that I found in his satchel that he’d forgotten to send…he always was so awful at that.
Her breath caught in her throat at this and she fumbled for the envelope, opening it once again to find a little folded note. Just the sight of his small, messy handwriting as it bled through the parchment was enough to break her. She cried out, unable to contain her sorrow. She could no longer be strong for him. Slowly, she slipped from her seat as her knees gave way to the weight of her pain and soon found herself on the tile kitchen floor, hand still pathetically shaking on the note resting on the counter as if it was the only thing to keep her afloat. But, of course, a tiny piece of paper was no comparison to a life raft and she slowly felt herself slipping further and further down in her tears. She kept imagining the sight of Bucky falling into the ravine below and she could only allow herself to drown with him.
Eventually, she dragged the paper down and read each word as if his velvet voice was speaking them into her ear:
Peaches, Steve is nuts. I mean it. He’s got this crazy plan to hijack a HYDRA train! They probably won’t even let me send this until after because it’s so wild we can’t risk any kind of interception. There’s only gonna be three of us who actually jump the train so if the Squids get wind of it ahead of time they’ll be waiting and we’ll be as good as toast. But if this is what it takes I’ll do it, you know I’d die for Steve after all…and I’ll do it especially if it helps us win the war so I can come home to you. By the way, have you picked out your dress yet? I know you can’t tell me about it or nothin’ but thinking about our wedding is kinda what keeps me going. If I just think about you alone, it hurts too much. Also, you asked me what colors I’d like for the theme and I’ve been thinking hard and I like the idea of just a light blue, maybe? It’ll match your eyes and it’ll probably look all right with my uniform. I really, really love you and I can’t stop thinking about you…Now to get on this train with Cuckoo Steve. We’re leaving first thing tomorrow morning. See you soon xoxo Buck
See you soon…See you soon.