I'm Done.

Trust

Something I was reluctant to give.
But I fell and I gave my heart away.
Thinking it was different this time around.
A friendship unlike any other.
Soon something much more personal.
Following my heart blindingly.
To believe every word said to me.
To believe I was worth the hassle.
It's something I'm questioning heavily now.
It's something devastating to me.
To know and love someone who promised you the world.
To put every ounce of your being into someone.
Only to have that shattered by circumstances beyond our control.
To see that other side that has me questioning;
Was I trusting a lie this whole time?
Who the hell knows at this point.
As far as I know I've potentially been played.
With how fast you got over me, my trust coulda been manipulated this whole time.
I could never understand why people would do that to another.
Maybe you never liked me to begin with, which I choose not to believe of course.
After all you were a different person back then.
But again how can I know now what the deal is when from what I've seen you think I'm the damn devil just like she does.
Regardless the trust is gone,
How can I trust someone who said they'd never hurt me when they've hurt me the most.
Intimacy that means nothing now because of one overbearing control freak who thinks she has the right to determine anything in my life and in yours.
I hope my trust was worth having whilst it lasted.
I hope it was worth losing too.

Disappointment

Devastation, heartbreak, betrayal.
That's how it feels, even if the other side doesn't see it that way.
Sly, how their words were brushed under the carpet.
Betraying how it's now 'all my fault'.
Pathetic rumours about things I'd already said to your face.
Acting like I'm the one being a jackass.
Devestated thinking back on everything that slipped your lips that could have been false.
And yet I'm the one who was given 'too many chances'.
The things said to me,
things that in hindsight should have been signs of oppression.
Things said to me about others only for it to be 'nothing'
'I don't trust him'
'He's just a rebound, Anna.'
'Not everyone is your friend y'know.'
'Listen to my advice, I know best'
'You can't pick good people to be your friends for shit.'
Yeah, you were right.
Maybe I'm just too nice, see too much good in others.
I can't pick em for shit and look who the fucking rebound is now.
And yet this is all my fault? Grow up. I expected better.
Disappointment is a strong word but it fits perfectly.
A lie is a lie and I won't be blamed for anymore of it.
'Its to focus on my education, I promise.'
'I still feel exactly the same about you Anna.'
'This doesn't change anything between us, I still love you!'
Cut the crap, I'm not crying over you anymore.
I'm worth more than this pointless drama.
I'm not going to feel awful because I wasn't good enough.
I fell for either a really good actor or someone just like her mother.
I expected better but clearly you can't think for yourself anymore.
Having a complete psycho control your life.
Let's be real here, if I had a dick she'd have had no problem with us.
Homophobic freak, like we both didn't know that was the case.
All I've done is give a damn about you, love you.
But none of that was enough because of such a vile mindset.
'Oh I've always wanted grandkids'
'You can't have two mams'
'One of you'd have to be the mother and the other the aunty'
'Oh you've made friends with a boy? Good, get a BOYFRIEND'
Well at least that nutcase is happy now huh?
Make her proud honey, I'm sure you will.
She's not gonna take her childish rage out on me anymore.
And I bet you think this is a guilt trip too; just like what you pulled today.
Nah, just me spurting some crud so that I can sleep easy tonight.
I mean you're not the only one I'm disappointed in.
I'm disappointed in myself for not telling her to fuck off the last time she contacted me because she needed a punching bag.
Though I'm not disappointed in myself for the effort I put into you.
Despite all this, it was worth it.
It was worth caring.

Worth

Do I regret a single moment with you?
No.
Do I hate you?
No.
Was all this tomfuckery worth it?
Yeah, it was.
It was a lesson worth learning.
I get it, people change and blah freaking blah.
Relationships don't always work out.
Sure things seemed so perfect at first,
Like I was worth everything in your eyes.
But being so head over heels I saw no wrong in what we had.
I loved every second I had with you, real and virtual.
I loved you, more than I loved myself.
I've never torn myself up so much over one person.
My best friend, my love, the person I trusted with my life.
It was all a lesson to learn in the end.
Maybe I shoulda given up a long time ago.
Cared more for my own worth than for yours.
But I couldn't do that, you were worth everything to me.
Every second of pressure, oppression, worthlessness.
Everything your mother did.
I saw worth in you.
And you were worth it, you taught me a lot.
That I'm important, I'm loveable, that I'm worth better.
You taught me to eat my own words and that you can NEVER truly know a person no matter what.
I thought I knew you, but in the end I got screwed over.
And now I'm realising who matters the most.
I do, I deserve better even if all I thought I wanted was you.
I deserve to feel confident and not have a grown-ass bitch harassing me because you closed the door on your damn cats.
I deserve to feel like a real person and to embrace my opportunities.
I deserve to have friends and to do what I want without guilt.
I deserve to have people in my life who are like who you used to be.
I'm worth more than this childish drama.
I'm worth more than these petty blame games.
I'm worth more than anything I could gain from trying for you now.
So I'm done.
That's it, I'm done.
And I hope you're happy with the path you're on now.
This has gone on long enough and I'm not gonna hide anymore.
I'm going to remember you for the person I fell in love with.
Not who stood before me today.
I'm gonna remember the tender, genuine girl I was head over heels for.
Not the person who thinks she needs to hail her crazy-ass mothers every word.
You want fucking gossip? I'll give you something to talk about.
After all if you read this it's probably outta spite or the fact you've realised how much you've fucked up blowing me off.
If you hate me now, then so be it.
It's not my problem, it's yours.
I was nothing but good to you.
So if I wasn't worth your time, then you shoulda quit wasting mine sooner.
You of all people know I appreciate honesty the most.
Though I was very toned down with my honesty as to not hurt your feelings in the past.

Honesty

But now that those 'rumours' are already floating around I may as well write some of my thoughts about your perfect mother down here so you can know how much she hurt me.
I do think she's a total psychopath, I don't give a damn about her tragic backstory and her personal issues, that doesn't justify her in what she's done.
My father went through the same crap as her if not worse and he's at least a descent person and doesn't go around kicking off at kids telling them that they're worthless manipulators who deserve no friends.
He doesn't go out of his way to crush the self-esteem of young girls because they kissed his daughter, cared for his daughter.
So why should she be justified?
She has no god damn right to act how she does and personally I think she needs to go seek some god damn help if her only antidepressant is making others feel intimidated and worthless.
Don't give me some sob story so I'll feel bad for her, because at the end of the day she's a grown woman abusing a kid because she thinks she can.
Well I say try it motherfucker, contact me again with her running her illiterate mouth and see what happens.
But do me a favour and make sure she uses proper sentences next time, reading petty accusations against me from her hurts my damn head.
It'll be less humiliating for her too when I report them. I know my rights now.
I don't have to deal with any of that emotional and mental abuse, and I wish I'd realised that earlier.
I'm worth more than that disgusting hate, and I damn well hope it messes with her when she realised she's a shitty parent who's so petty as to take out her stupid issues on kids. Grow the hell up.

Conclusion

I'm done.
You gave me the closure today that's allowed me to put a lot of things to rest.
I can get over you now knowing you don't give a damn about me anymore.
It'll take a lot of effort but I'll get over you.
I can finally cut my losses seeing the true colours of the current you.
After all, running after you now would betray everything the you I fell in love with stood for.
I know my worth now. I know I'm worth better than this.
I don't feel any guilt for what I've written here either,
I needed to vent my honest emotions on the one place you might see them and I have.
Whether you care to read or not, I don't know. I don't care either, you're probably too busy fooling yourself with him thinking it's gonna fill that hole inside of you showing off your public displays of affection directly in front of me when you'd always deny mine when we were together at college.
Fuck that, go play with someone else; oh wait. You are.
He deserves it anyway, like I don't know where those 'rumours' came from. Sly prick, you were right I can't make good friends for crud here.
That's why I'm done, with this chapter of my life.
Consider me healed because I won't cry over you anymore.
I hope you miss me, this isn't my loss after all. I realise that now.
With nothing to lose and everything to gain, I'm done.
Done with this and ready for better things.
I'll be someone I love.
So cya. Consider this as me finally giving up on you.
You've already given up on me after all so enjoy your life.
I hope you get what you want outta it, cause I know I will.
Maybe your mother was right, if we had any hope it'd have shown through at times like this.
Seems I was the only one still hoping until today.
Thanks for sparing me by the way, I definitely needed this bullshit to happen so I could finally realise how much better I can do.

-someone who gave a crap about you despite all the constant shit thrown her way-
Your once best friend and love,
Somebody that you used to know~