Rescue Me
six
I let Tom into my house and led him to the kitchen, “What would you like?”
“I’ll um… have whatever you’re having.”
I gave a shy smile and proceeded to get out some cold noodles and shrimp. Throwing everything into a bowl, I gave some to Tom and we stood around the island in the kitchen. He took a bite and gave me a smile.
“It’s brilliant.”
I gave a small laugh, “Thanks.”
“Do you cook often?”
I smiled, “Yes.”
“How did you get into it?”
“I’ve always been into cooking. My mother had a cook when I was younger that I would hang out with. She taught me how to cook while my parents were away. I cooked with her through my high school career, then once I went to college, I was pro.”
“That’s amazing.”
“At least you think so. Frankly I feel like my talents are being wasted on my mother.”
“From what I’ve seen of her, I’m willing to agree with you.”
I laughed, “She’s a real piece of work.”
“You’ve got something on your face,” Tom leaned in, “Just… right here.” He moved closer to me to wipe at the corner of my lip. He paused a moment to cup my face as we looked at each other, and he leaned, but I pulled away.
“Thank you,” I said.
“Oh, um, not problem.”
We were quiet for a moment, eating our noodles, then Tom cleared his throat. “So… where did you and Ben go last night?”
I frowned, “Tom.”
“What? I’m just asking where you went for food and if I should be upset that I missed out on a good meal.”
I frowned for a moment longer then said, “We went to the next resort over. Their beach club has a great restaurant.”
Tom nodded, “Well, Martin and I will have to go sometime.”
I nodded, “You should. They have great salmon.”
Tom was quiet for a moment, then asked, “What happened after?”
I frowned, “After?”
“After your meal. What did you do after your meal?”
“We went to a local bar and had a few drinks, then we… came back here but my mother changed the locks so he took me to your place.”
“How did you end up in his bed?”
I looked at Tom and I frowned, “Is that really what you came here for?”
Tom took another bite of his food and answered, “I guess not.”
I looked down to my wedding ring and I rubbed the underside of it with my thumb. Taking another bite myself I felt my appetite leave and the numbness take over. I forced myself to take another bite, but it was no use. Setting my fork down, I focused on getting a drink, offering Tom one as well. Sitting back down, I focused on drinking, both of us not talking. When he was finished, I took his dishes and placed them in the sink. I wrapped mine up and put it in the fridge for later. We stood in my kitchen for a while, then Tom said, “I should go.”
I felt my eyes begin to prick and I nodded, trying not to look at him in fear that my tears will come faster. Tom caught my chin with his thumb and forefinger and lifted my face to look at him. He studied my face for a moment then said, “I can stay if you need someone.”
I tried to think, to make sure it was something that I wanted, but the numbness turned to an ache and the tears pricked my eyes started to seep through and it was all I could do to keep myself from falling into a sobbing mess. Tom watched this all happen and he pulled me into a hug. We stood in the kitchen for a moment, me shaking in his embrace while I tried hard not to cry. Pulling away, I took Tom’s hand and led him upstairs to my room, not wanting my mother to come home and see me with “another man.”
I opened the door to my room and led Tom in. I closed the door and suddenly felt very sheepish. Blushing a bit I said, “I’m sorry… I don’t know why I brought you up here.”
“Do you want me here?”
I nodded, “I… I need to be with someone, or else I’ll break down.”
Tom nodded, “What do you want to do?”
My eyes flashed to the bed, and my blush deepened, “We could… um… lay on the bed while we watch pointless television? Distract me.”
Tom nodded and let me crawl onto my massive bed first before following suite. We sat side by side as I turned on the TV and flipped to an educational channel. We were quiet as we watched about museum’s odd entries, but the numbness wasn’t going away. I took uneven breaths as I watched, which Tom noticed. He hesitantly put his arm around me and pulled me close to him. I rested my head on his shoulder and I let my tears fall down my face.
“Why are you crying, love?”
I took a shuddering breath and said, “I’m forgetting him.”
“Teddy?”
“Yes.”
Tom was quiet for a moment, then said, “I don’t think you’re forgetting him.”
“I kissed Benedict last night,” I said, pulling away to look at him. “I kissed him, and liked it. Then I woke up in his bed… I panicked. I’ve been on this island for two days and I’m already fucking up.”
Tom frowned, “How are you fucking up?”
“I… I don’t know?”
“Are you scared your feelings, or whatever it is you have for Ben, is a sign that you are moving on from Teddy… too quickly?”
I nodded, “Yes. Wanda says that grieving is different for everyone, but… I can't help but feel like it's all going so fast.”
Tom nodded, “She’s got a point. My friend lost his girlfriend when we were in secondary school, and he was beat up about it. He met his current wife two months after the funeral, and they were dating soon after. He felt terrible dating someone so soon after the death of his girlfriend, but he was happy, and he knew she would have wanted him to be happy. Don’t you think that Teddy would want you to be happy?”
I looked Tom in the eye and felt my heart jerk down in my chest, “Yes.”
“He never forgot his girlfriend. Ever. He has a daughter named after her.” Tom turned and took my face in his hand, “I promise you will never forget Teddy.”
Tears streaked down my face following the wet tracks forged by others. Tom used his thumb to wipe away a few from my cheek. We were quiet as we both leaned in and let our lips touch. I leaned into the kiss to make it a bit more serious, and Tom’s hand slid from my cheek to my hair, tangling in it, holding my face to his. We pulled away and looked at each other for a moment, Tom taking his hand away.
“I’m so sorry,” I said.
“Don’t be,” he said, “If anything I should be the one who is sorry.”
I bit my lip, “This is a mess.”
“It is a bit, isn’t it.” Tom looked away and his mouth tugged in a small smile, “But… if I’m being perfectly honest… a rather good mess… on my part anyway.”
I pulled away, “That’s not helpful.”
“I’m sorry,” Tom said.
I curled up my hands gripping my arms to keep them from shaking. “I think you should go.”
Tom frowned, “Are you sure? Are you going to be okay?”
I didn’t answer. Tears filled my eyes again and slipped down my face. I tried my best to hide them, but it didn’t work. Tom saw and moved to take me in his arms again. I struggled to move away from him, but he just held on tighter.
“Its okay to cry, Kaycie,” he said, “Its okay to feel sad, to feel angry, its okay to feel. You’re not going to forget Theodore. He’s always going to be with you. In the back of your mind. In the dead center of your heart.”
I choked out a sob as I continued to pull away from him.
“It’s okay to feel yourself move on… even if that’s with me or with Ben. If its not with either of us, that’s fine too. Theodore would not want you not move on, to not live your life, not not be happy. You have to let yourself have these emotions. You need to let yourself make mistakes. Its the only way you’ll truly get over him. The only way you’ll truly be happy.”
“Stop!” I yelled. “Please stop.”
Tom looked at me as I cried in his arms, and he pulled me in and held me. I clung to him as I sobbed. I waited for the numbness to take over, but it never came. My crying slowed, and the numbness never came. Instead I felt warmth. I knew it was because of Tom holding me, which for a moment made me feel bad. I was being held by another man. But it felt right. Pulling away gently, Tom let me go, and I wiped my face clear of tears.
“Thank you, Tom,” I said, “I’m sorry you had to be here during one of my silly episodes.”
“It’s not silly, love.”
“I’m thankful for your help, Tom. I really am. I’m so sorry for the kiss, it was nice, and… I enjoyed…. It was just a mistake. I’m fine now, and I would like for you to go before my mother shows up and I have to explain why a man who is not Ben is in my room. I’m so sorry for feeling like I’m kicking you out, but I’ll see you at dinner tonight.”
“Kaycie-”
“Tom, please…. I just spent the night in another man’s bed, and I just kissed you, and I need time to just be by myself and process everything.”
Tom frowned, but nodded. “I’ll see you at dinner.” He moved from the bed and to my door, where he stopped and said, “I’m here for you, Kaycie. I’m here for you whenever you need me.”
I nodded and watched let him leave my house.
“I’ll um… have whatever you’re having.”
I gave a shy smile and proceeded to get out some cold noodles and shrimp. Throwing everything into a bowl, I gave some to Tom and we stood around the island in the kitchen. He took a bite and gave me a smile.
“It’s brilliant.”
I gave a small laugh, “Thanks.”
“Do you cook often?”
I smiled, “Yes.”
“How did you get into it?”
“I’ve always been into cooking. My mother had a cook when I was younger that I would hang out with. She taught me how to cook while my parents were away. I cooked with her through my high school career, then once I went to college, I was pro.”
“That’s amazing.”
“At least you think so. Frankly I feel like my talents are being wasted on my mother.”
“From what I’ve seen of her, I’m willing to agree with you.”
I laughed, “She’s a real piece of work.”
“You’ve got something on your face,” Tom leaned in, “Just… right here.” He moved closer to me to wipe at the corner of my lip. He paused a moment to cup my face as we looked at each other, and he leaned, but I pulled away.
“Thank you,” I said.
“Oh, um, not problem.”
We were quiet for a moment, eating our noodles, then Tom cleared his throat. “So… where did you and Ben go last night?”
I frowned, “Tom.”
“What? I’m just asking where you went for food and if I should be upset that I missed out on a good meal.”
I frowned for a moment longer then said, “We went to the next resort over. Their beach club has a great restaurant.”
Tom nodded, “Well, Martin and I will have to go sometime.”
I nodded, “You should. They have great salmon.”
Tom was quiet for a moment, then asked, “What happened after?”
I frowned, “After?”
“After your meal. What did you do after your meal?”
“We went to a local bar and had a few drinks, then we… came back here but my mother changed the locks so he took me to your place.”
“How did you end up in his bed?”
I looked at Tom and I frowned, “Is that really what you came here for?”
Tom took another bite of his food and answered, “I guess not.”
I looked down to my wedding ring and I rubbed the underside of it with my thumb. Taking another bite myself I felt my appetite leave and the numbness take over. I forced myself to take another bite, but it was no use. Setting my fork down, I focused on getting a drink, offering Tom one as well. Sitting back down, I focused on drinking, both of us not talking. When he was finished, I took his dishes and placed them in the sink. I wrapped mine up and put it in the fridge for later. We stood in my kitchen for a while, then Tom said, “I should go.”
I felt my eyes begin to prick and I nodded, trying not to look at him in fear that my tears will come faster. Tom caught my chin with his thumb and forefinger and lifted my face to look at him. He studied my face for a moment then said, “I can stay if you need someone.”
I tried to think, to make sure it was something that I wanted, but the numbness turned to an ache and the tears pricked my eyes started to seep through and it was all I could do to keep myself from falling into a sobbing mess. Tom watched this all happen and he pulled me into a hug. We stood in the kitchen for a moment, me shaking in his embrace while I tried hard not to cry. Pulling away, I took Tom’s hand and led him upstairs to my room, not wanting my mother to come home and see me with “another man.”
I opened the door to my room and led Tom in. I closed the door and suddenly felt very sheepish. Blushing a bit I said, “I’m sorry… I don’t know why I brought you up here.”
“Do you want me here?”
I nodded, “I… I need to be with someone, or else I’ll break down.”
Tom nodded, “What do you want to do?”
My eyes flashed to the bed, and my blush deepened, “We could… um… lay on the bed while we watch pointless television? Distract me.”
Tom nodded and let me crawl onto my massive bed first before following suite. We sat side by side as I turned on the TV and flipped to an educational channel. We were quiet as we watched about museum’s odd entries, but the numbness wasn’t going away. I took uneven breaths as I watched, which Tom noticed. He hesitantly put his arm around me and pulled me close to him. I rested my head on his shoulder and I let my tears fall down my face.
“Why are you crying, love?”
I took a shuddering breath and said, “I’m forgetting him.”
“Teddy?”
“Yes.”
Tom was quiet for a moment, then said, “I don’t think you’re forgetting him.”
“I kissed Benedict last night,” I said, pulling away to look at him. “I kissed him, and liked it. Then I woke up in his bed… I panicked. I’ve been on this island for two days and I’m already fucking up.”
Tom frowned, “How are you fucking up?”
“I… I don’t know?”
“Are you scared your feelings, or whatever it is you have for Ben, is a sign that you are moving on from Teddy… too quickly?”
I nodded, “Yes. Wanda says that grieving is different for everyone, but… I can't help but feel like it's all going so fast.”
Tom nodded, “She’s got a point. My friend lost his girlfriend when we were in secondary school, and he was beat up about it. He met his current wife two months after the funeral, and they were dating soon after. He felt terrible dating someone so soon after the death of his girlfriend, but he was happy, and he knew she would have wanted him to be happy. Don’t you think that Teddy would want you to be happy?”
I looked Tom in the eye and felt my heart jerk down in my chest, “Yes.”
“He never forgot his girlfriend. Ever. He has a daughter named after her.” Tom turned and took my face in his hand, “I promise you will never forget Teddy.”
Tears streaked down my face following the wet tracks forged by others. Tom used his thumb to wipe away a few from my cheek. We were quiet as we both leaned in and let our lips touch. I leaned into the kiss to make it a bit more serious, and Tom’s hand slid from my cheek to my hair, tangling in it, holding my face to his. We pulled away and looked at each other for a moment, Tom taking his hand away.
“I’m so sorry,” I said.
“Don’t be,” he said, “If anything I should be the one who is sorry.”
I bit my lip, “This is a mess.”
“It is a bit, isn’t it.” Tom looked away and his mouth tugged in a small smile, “But… if I’m being perfectly honest… a rather good mess… on my part anyway.”
I pulled away, “That’s not helpful.”
“I’m sorry,” Tom said.
I curled up my hands gripping my arms to keep them from shaking. “I think you should go.”
Tom frowned, “Are you sure? Are you going to be okay?”
I didn’t answer. Tears filled my eyes again and slipped down my face. I tried my best to hide them, but it didn’t work. Tom saw and moved to take me in his arms again. I struggled to move away from him, but he just held on tighter.
“Its okay to cry, Kaycie,” he said, “Its okay to feel sad, to feel angry, its okay to feel. You’re not going to forget Theodore. He’s always going to be with you. In the back of your mind. In the dead center of your heart.”
I choked out a sob as I continued to pull away from him.
“It’s okay to feel yourself move on… even if that’s with me or with Ben. If its not with either of us, that’s fine too. Theodore would not want you not move on, to not live your life, not not be happy. You have to let yourself have these emotions. You need to let yourself make mistakes. Its the only way you’ll truly get over him. The only way you’ll truly be happy.”
“Stop!” I yelled. “Please stop.”
Tom looked at me as I cried in his arms, and he pulled me in and held me. I clung to him as I sobbed. I waited for the numbness to take over, but it never came. My crying slowed, and the numbness never came. Instead I felt warmth. I knew it was because of Tom holding me, which for a moment made me feel bad. I was being held by another man. But it felt right. Pulling away gently, Tom let me go, and I wiped my face clear of tears.
“Thank you, Tom,” I said, “I’m sorry you had to be here during one of my silly episodes.”
“It’s not silly, love.”
“I’m thankful for your help, Tom. I really am. I’m so sorry for the kiss, it was nice, and… I enjoyed…. It was just a mistake. I’m fine now, and I would like for you to go before my mother shows up and I have to explain why a man who is not Ben is in my room. I’m so sorry for feeling like I’m kicking you out, but I’ll see you at dinner tonight.”
“Kaycie-”
“Tom, please…. I just spent the night in another man’s bed, and I just kissed you, and I need time to just be by myself and process everything.”
Tom frowned, but nodded. “I’ll see you at dinner.” He moved from the bed and to my door, where he stopped and said, “I’m here for you, Kaycie. I’m here for you whenever you need me.”
I nodded and watched let him leave my house.