Broken

She had to leave. She couldn’t stay here anymore. Couldn’t stand the not knowing of where she belonged, of who she was. She looked at Ethan, hating the way his eyes pleaded with her to stay. Her chest constricted, her resolve started to crumble.

“Elin.” That was it. Just her name, hoarsely whispered, more effective than a knife in her stomach. But he didn’t try to advance, didn’t try to grab her or beg her to stay – no other emotion played out on his features. Just his eyes, tinged with hurt, staring at her from across the room. The air between them was tense, something she had never felt before, and she struggled to breathe.

She counted to three, waiting for… something. Anything. A sign from him that indicated that he was going to fight for her. She put her hand on the doorknob that led out of their shared apartment and sighed when his body didn’t tense with action.

“I’m sorry.” She said softly, pushing through her own resistance. She didn’t want it to come to this, but she was twenty-three years old, and while she loved him, she needed something more. Something… stimulating.

With her suitcase in hand and her beloved camera bag slung over her shoulder, she hurried to the waiting cab. Though her heart was still incredibly heavy, the farther the driver got her away from the house, the more the churning in her stomach let up.

Elin took the plane ticket out of her bag and stared at it, tears blurring her vision. She had been waiting her whole life for this moment. Had dreamed about this every night since she could remember; just dropping everything, grabbing her camera, and setting off the see the world. She had always been envious of the photos she saw on the internet or ones produced on a canvas meant for decoration. She had wished and yearned for the chance when she could look through her own lens at the wonders of the world.

She didn’t know what prompted her to buy the ticket. She had stared at the computer screen for days, debating if it was the right thing to do. If it was the right time to do it. She knew Ethan had a ring for her, knew he had had it for a while now. She also knew that he wasn’t sure if it was what he really wanted or not. They had been together since high school, and after college graduation, he felt that it was the next step.

He had always been content with what he had, never wanting more. He didn’t have intense emotions. He never got excited for anything, a feeling she absolutely loved. A feeling she craved. Whenever she let the emotion surround her, making her feel light and racked with utter joy, his unwavering humdrum existence snuffed it out. Could she live a life that way? The constant weight of his monotony was already threatening to extinguish the fire she thrived to feel. She had tried to picture their future together, again and again. Tried picturing a world where he would go with her, with him feeling the elation of being free just as much as she would. Tried to come to terms with a life where she didn’t go and they got married and she just… existed.

In the end, Elin knew the ring was the reason she went ahead and clicked that button, sealing her trip. She had found it in his underwear drawer one evening when putting clothes away, and had panicked. Elin didn’t know if she was ready for marriage. She didn’t know who she was. All her life she had done what was expected of her, going to college right after high school, majoring in business administration because it was what her grandfather had expected. She was to start work at his company one month after graduation, learning the ropes before she were to take it over herself. She knew that marriage was something else that was planned for her, her future and destiny set by her parents and those around her.

She didn’t want to be shackled down by expectations anymore. She didn’t want to do what was right or go through the motions of what was next. She wanted to live. She wanted to travel and experience different cultures and eat different foods and flirt with different boys and actually feel something other than just numbness. That’s what her whole life seemed to be like; like she was just ghosting through it, waiting for something to sweep her off her feet like every mediocre movie ever.
She wanted to know what her passions were, because business administration wasn’t it. Every day for four years she would stare out a classroom window at the nature surrounding her and she would literally be itching to grab her camera that she kept with her at all times, walk out on whatever lecture she wasn’t listening to anyways, and go out there. She had always wanted to be some kind of photojournalist, on the move from one country to the next, taking photos of things that mattered and writing about her experiences.

She clutched her camera tighter as the airports doors came into view, excitement making her stomach flip. After years of dreaming, she was finally going to be able to do it.

Her door opened and the cab driver smiled down at her, her suitcase in one hand and his other outstretched to help her stand. Letting out a breath, she got out of the car and at the sign in front of her. This was it.