Finding Myself
Betrayal
I walk up the stairs after a long day. My feet ache, my face falls, and it feels like a million tons have been placed on my back and shoulders. I'm sluggish going up the stairs as the gravity is becoming heavier with each step I take.
When I finally reach my door I place the keys in the door and breathe a sigh of relief. I'm home. I throw my keys on the counter and drop my bag on the floor, I don't even care that its misplaced I just want to be in the comfort of your arms and in my bed. Cuddles sound amazing right now.
As I approach the bedroom something is off, the door is closed. Its never closed. Are you sleeping?
I open the door and there I see is you and a woman. I stand there for a second and I can feel my heart rate beginning to quicken. My fists tighten up and there is a tightness in my chest. I'm filled with rage as I'm realizing what I'm seeing.
You finally realize that I'm in the room and start panicking. She does too. I don't hear what you're saying I'm just crying because I'm so angry. She looks scared and gets up to grab her clothes. I'm in front of the door and blocking her way. She tries to get past me but she doesn't .I lose all senses and grab her by the hair. I smash her face against the floor and hit her and hit her and hit her. I start screaming. I don't know what I'm saying all I know is that I'm hurt. I don't her you screaming at me to stop all I feel is rage. I stop hitting her enough to let her breathe. She's got a few cuts on her face, she doesn't need too many stitches. I grab her by her hair and drag her to the door. She screaming and hitting me.
"Let me go!" She yells, but I don't.
I open the door and throw her outside. She's barely got any clothes on and I don't care. Let her walk home that way like the whore she is. Just go away.
I turn around and see that you're angry and scared. You've never seen me angry before, you've never seen me put my hands on someone before and it scared you. Good. You're yelling at me, telling me that it was uncalled for and that I shouldn't have done that. You're trying to make me feel bad and tell me that its all your fault and that I should hit you. I don't. I go silent. I'm done with you.
"Leave." I tell you.
You fall silent for a minute taking in what I said. You open your mouth to protest and then you see me with a handful of your clothes. I throw them at you, I don't care if they match I just want you out right now.
I go sit on the couch with my head in my hands, but I won't cry. I don't give you that satisfaction. When you look for your keys I grab them and take the house keys. I don't want you coming home tonight, if ever. You take them and try to give me a kiss on my cheek, but I pull away. I don't want you touching me after I saw you with her. Your face falls further but you understand.
"I love you." You say.
I don't say anything.
I walk out of the house and everything is silent. I don't know how long I sat there but I start cramping. Everything hurts, but I don't care. I'm numb on the inside. I could care less about myself and I just want to die.
I get off the floor and grab my keys. I start the car and head towards the nearest gas station. I probably look like hell, but I don't care. The attendant looks at me funny when I ask him for cigarettes. I'm a regular here and I never smoke. I pay for my cigarettes and gas, then walk out the door. I go for a drive. I have no idea where the hell I'm going, but I don't care. The drive is long and I find myself in the country. The night air is cooling and I breathe a little better. What the hell happened today? How did this happen? What did I do wrong? Memories flood back of when we were happy, when you told me you loved me every day. When we woke up in the morning and you wanted a kiss because you missed me even though I was right there. When you would hold me for no reason because you just wanted to be around me. I start crying and turn around to head home. I don't know if I will sleep tonight. My anxiety is too high and you're not there.
I know I still love you but I don't know if I will let you back inside. You hurt me too much. I feel like I've been torn apart and I'll never be normal again. Everything hurts.
When I get back home I realize that my phone was there . I look at it and find 50+ calls and 148 messages from you. There are missed calls from my friends too but I ignore them all. I just want to be alone tonight.
I grab a pile of pillows and a comforter from the closet and decide that I'm going to sleep on the couch. I turn on the TV , something random I don't care what. I get out my cigarettes and light one. I haven't smoked since I was 16. The smoke fills my lungs and burns a little, but I don't care. After crying for a while I put out my cigarette and lay down. The sound of the TV lulls me to sleep.
In the morning my head is throbbing. I get up and go to the bathroom. My eyes are red and swollen from crying. My hair is an ungodly mess, I must have tossed and turned. My eyes are sunken in and dark circles cast over my eyes like death. The color is drained from my face and body. I look like Casper's cousin, but I don't care. I realize that I'm still in yesterday's clothes. I sniffle, undress, and hop in the shower.
I clean myself up and then sit in the shower. I let the water rinse me and run. I sat and let my mind go blank. I'm numb all over. I don't want to move.
I sat in the shows so long that my feet and hands looked 100 hears old. I finally turned off the water and got out. I put a towel around my head and body then head out of the bathroom.
I walk into our bedroom and grab some clothes. Leggings, my favorite T-shirt and slip on chucks. When my hair dries I put it in a bun, because why not? I look at my phone and there's so many notifications from you.
"I love you, I'm sorry"
"It was a mistake"
"I'm so stupid I'm sorry"
"Baby please answer me"
"Please, I'm so sorry"
I can't read anymore so I delete your messages. I grab a cardboard box, tape, paper, and a pencil.
I set u the box and put some of your clothes in there and I wrote you a letter explaining that I don't want to see you right now and that I don't know if I can forgive you. This is going to take time and I don't know if I want you back. I don't tell you I love you and close the note and stick it in the box. I text you to let you know that there are some clothes out front for you, and then I leave the house because I don't want to hear you.
I ignore your calls and texts.
I don't want to see you.
When I finally reach my door I place the keys in the door and breathe a sigh of relief. I'm home. I throw my keys on the counter and drop my bag on the floor, I don't even care that its misplaced I just want to be in the comfort of your arms and in my bed. Cuddles sound amazing right now.
As I approach the bedroom something is off, the door is closed. Its never closed. Are you sleeping?
I open the door and there I see is you and a woman. I stand there for a second and I can feel my heart rate beginning to quicken. My fists tighten up and there is a tightness in my chest. I'm filled with rage as I'm realizing what I'm seeing.
You finally realize that I'm in the room and start panicking. She does too. I don't hear what you're saying I'm just crying because I'm so angry. She looks scared and gets up to grab her clothes. I'm in front of the door and blocking her way. She tries to get past me but she doesn't .I lose all senses and grab her by the hair. I smash her face against the floor and hit her and hit her and hit her. I start screaming. I don't know what I'm saying all I know is that I'm hurt. I don't her you screaming at me to stop all I feel is rage. I stop hitting her enough to let her breathe. She's got a few cuts on her face, she doesn't need too many stitches. I grab her by her hair and drag her to the door. She screaming and hitting me.
"Let me go!" She yells, but I don't.
I open the door and throw her outside. She's barely got any clothes on and I don't care. Let her walk home that way like the whore she is. Just go away.
I turn around and see that you're angry and scared. You've never seen me angry before, you've never seen me put my hands on someone before and it scared you. Good. You're yelling at me, telling me that it was uncalled for and that I shouldn't have done that. You're trying to make me feel bad and tell me that its all your fault and that I should hit you. I don't. I go silent. I'm done with you.
"Leave." I tell you.
You fall silent for a minute taking in what I said. You open your mouth to protest and then you see me with a handful of your clothes. I throw them at you, I don't care if they match I just want you out right now.
I go sit on the couch with my head in my hands, but I won't cry. I don't give you that satisfaction. When you look for your keys I grab them and take the house keys. I don't want you coming home tonight, if ever. You take them and try to give me a kiss on my cheek, but I pull away. I don't want you touching me after I saw you with her. Your face falls further but you understand.
"I love you." You say.
I don't say anything.
I walk out of the house and everything is silent. I don't know how long I sat there but I start cramping. Everything hurts, but I don't care. I'm numb on the inside. I could care less about myself and I just want to die.
I get off the floor and grab my keys. I start the car and head towards the nearest gas station. I probably look like hell, but I don't care. The attendant looks at me funny when I ask him for cigarettes. I'm a regular here and I never smoke. I pay for my cigarettes and gas, then walk out the door. I go for a drive. I have no idea where the hell I'm going, but I don't care. The drive is long and I find myself in the country. The night air is cooling and I breathe a little better. What the hell happened today? How did this happen? What did I do wrong? Memories flood back of when we were happy, when you told me you loved me every day. When we woke up in the morning and you wanted a kiss because you missed me even though I was right there. When you would hold me for no reason because you just wanted to be around me. I start crying and turn around to head home. I don't know if I will sleep tonight. My anxiety is too high and you're not there.
I know I still love you but I don't know if I will let you back inside. You hurt me too much. I feel like I've been torn apart and I'll never be normal again. Everything hurts.
When I get back home I realize that my phone was there . I look at it and find 50+ calls and 148 messages from you. There are missed calls from my friends too but I ignore them all. I just want to be alone tonight.
I grab a pile of pillows and a comforter from the closet and decide that I'm going to sleep on the couch. I turn on the TV , something random I don't care what. I get out my cigarettes and light one. I haven't smoked since I was 16. The smoke fills my lungs and burns a little, but I don't care. After crying for a while I put out my cigarette and lay down. The sound of the TV lulls me to sleep.
In the morning my head is throbbing. I get up and go to the bathroom. My eyes are red and swollen from crying. My hair is an ungodly mess, I must have tossed and turned. My eyes are sunken in and dark circles cast over my eyes like death. The color is drained from my face and body. I look like Casper's cousin, but I don't care. I realize that I'm still in yesterday's clothes. I sniffle, undress, and hop in the shower.
I clean myself up and then sit in the shower. I let the water rinse me and run. I sat and let my mind go blank. I'm numb all over. I don't want to move.
I sat in the shows so long that my feet and hands looked 100 hears old. I finally turned off the water and got out. I put a towel around my head and body then head out of the bathroom.
I walk into our bedroom and grab some clothes. Leggings, my favorite T-shirt and slip on chucks. When my hair dries I put it in a bun, because why not? I look at my phone and there's so many notifications from you.
"I love you, I'm sorry"
"It was a mistake"
"I'm so stupid I'm sorry"
"Baby please answer me"
"Please, I'm so sorry"
I can't read anymore so I delete your messages. I grab a cardboard box, tape, paper, and a pencil.
I set u the box and put some of your clothes in there and I wrote you a letter explaining that I don't want to see you right now and that I don't know if I can forgive you. This is going to take time and I don't know if I want you back. I don't tell you I love you and close the note and stick it in the box. I text you to let you know that there are some clothes out front for you, and then I leave the house because I don't want to hear you.
I ignore your calls and texts.
I don't want to see you.