Purity

Right now, I’m on the road with Slipknot and we’re touring for the album Iowa that released a few months ago. It’s been a very hard period of time this past year. Everyone had to go to their darkest places to write for this album. They even included a song that I wrote entirely by myself. Well. I can thank Corey for the inspiration. They had actually just started writing Iowa a week before I found him cheating on me.
Sid’s grandfather also died that week. One day, Sid and I decided just to go into the studio and let everything out. All of those screams and cries, are what ended up being (515), the opening track to Iowa.
The song I wrote entirely, is called The Shape. Jim was the first person I let read it. When he read it, he broke into tears – and I’ve never seen Jim cry.

He grabbed me into his embrace and kept me like that for a long time. He proposed the idea that I present it to the band, and ask for it to be included in Iowa. I refused – I didn’t want Corey to know how hurt I was. Jim argued that Corey already knows, and is beating himself up for what he did extremely bad. Eventually, Jim won. But I told him that I would have to be either drunk, stoned or both to do it.
I ended up high as hell on some weed that Sid smoked with me – if anyone ever had good weed, it was that crazy asshole. We laughed and sang stupid shit together for the better part of an hour before we were interrupted by Joey, who gave me some Jager and then I was off.
The whole band was sitting on the couch and love seat that were in Shawn’s house. I couldn’t read the paper in front of me. Even after everything, I froze when I was on the spot. Sid noticed, and beckoned me over to him. I went to sit beside him, but instead he sat me on his lap, earning a grunt and an eye roll from Corey. Sid didn’t react, he just wrapped his arms tightly around me. This was Jim’s turn to protest. “Dude you’re gonna fucking squeeze her so hard she’ll puke up that Jager.” Sighing, I stood back up after giving Sid’s hand a squeeze. I sat in the floor, angry as hell. Now, I had the courage to read the paper for them. I ended up not reading it, but crying and half-screaming the whole thing, my eyes never leaving Corey’s for a moment.
Too tragic to stay with you. Too static to try for you. These scars, they swallow hard. The part of the past that’s hollow and dark. Too horrid to kill for you. Too sordid to die with you. Unstable as always – come down. Everything else is just dust and sound. SEPARATE! I’ve lost my only way. SEE THE SHAPE! Broken and thrown away. I’d give it all away. Come take it all away. You can’t resent the fear – somebody tell me how I got here. I’d give it all to you.. Come take it. It’s all for you. The noise is so damn loud but everything else is just dust and sound.
I had to take a moment, I couldn’t talk anymore from choking up so hard. No one moved or said anything, although I could hear a few of them let out their breaths. Shakily, I put the paper down and shifted slightly. I looked back to Corey – he was crying silently, but there was a steady stream of tears running down his face. I frowned, anger once again fueling me. I put my hands in my hair and pulled a bit, then let them fall limply to my sides. Louder, and in a different voice than my own, I finished reading.
I don’t wanna do this anymore. Everything’s SHIT. Everything’s been taken. Forsaken – gotta start it over cause I’m hearing it. Backwards – don’t make sense – DON’T feel better. Who’s better? It’s not that simple. You gotta figure it out before you make things difficult. It’s not a word. It’s a problem. The problem was easy. Draw your conclusions – solutions? Anybody else wanna run? Contorting, distorting, I am undone. One less propaganda nightmare fixture.
Are you getting the picture?
When I finished, I stood up and ran. I ran out of that house and down the street. I eventually turned so I was heading toward the wooded area behind the neighborhood. I don’t know what I need, I just need to be away from him. From all of them. From everything.
----------------------------------------------------
I hate thinking about that day. And every time they perform that song, they all change in their moods completely. You can just feel the energy coming off of them. It’s the darkest, heaviest shit I’ve ever heard. There’s no doubt that before the show tonight, I’ve decided that I need to get drunk. So I do just that. I’m nice and tipsy by the time sound check rolls around. I was approached by Jim, who looked a bit concerned. He grabbed me by my shoulders and examined my face. When I just smiled and laughed at him, he sighed and pulled me in for a hug. My head only reaching below his arm pits, it was a bit of an awkward hug because he didn’t bend at all. When he pulled away, he placed his fingers under my chin and made me look up at him. “Jim, you’re making the room spin. What are you doing?” He didn’t say anything, instead just sighed and walked away. I felt confused, but forgot about it in a moment when I was suddenly lifted into the air. “Whoa holy shit I’m flying!” I exclaimed. When I was put down I turned to face Corey. I stuck my tongue out at him. “What do you want Taylor?” I asked him. “I just wanted to hug you and for you to wish me luck out there!” He said, all excited as if he were a little kid.
I got in his face, standing just inches from him. “Are you high?” I asked him seriously. He smiled his eat-shit grin and said, “Yep!” Then pulled me in and kissed me sloppily right on the lips. I’m drunk, so of course my reaction is very delayed. I miss these lips, I miss this embrace. And for a moment, I didn’t want it to end. I lost myself, remembering what it used to be like. I kissed him back roughly, needing this. It’s been a long time since I’ve had any kind of affection in this way from anyone. In fact, it was the last time Corey and I were together. Since we broke up, I’ve only been hugged and kissed on the forehead. My sexual frustrations were driving me insane and I was going to have to fix this soon. Being drunk also didn’t help at all.
When the memories of that day came flooding back, it hit me like a train. I jerked away from Corey’s lips, and his eyes flew open in shock. I punched him in the nose and ran off. I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going and ran right into someone’s chest. “Whoa there. Where are you going in such a hurry?” Joey asked. Immediately the tears started running down my face. Joey instantly wrapped his arms tightly around me. “Holy shit Frankie. What happened?” He asked. I didn’t say anything, thanks to my sobs I couldn’t. I guess he looked around and saw Corey because he just said “Oh.. Fuck.” I pulled away from Joey and looked around. I saw Corey standing there with a bloody nose just staring at me, touching his lips.
I walked away from Joey, muttering a thanks, and went to the backstage area where all of the instruments were. I grabbed one of Jim’s guitars and just started playing.
The song is Nutshell, by Alice In Chains.
I heard the door open, but didn’t stop playing. I felt someone sit next to me and looked over to see Mick. “Hey there. I just came in to get my guitar. You alright kiddo?” He asked. I nodded, “Just trying to get some shit out, sorry.” I said, and put Jim’s guitar back. I gave Mick a side hug, and walked out. I started to help set things up and helped them all make sure they were ready to go. Unfortunately, I had to help Corey with his vocal tuning, too. “Alright, perfect. Do good out there, Taylor.” I said and walked off. He grabbed my hand, and my heart froze for a moment. “Frankie, I’m sorry for what I did earlier. I don’t know what came over me. I just miss you..” He said quietly. “Oh, look. Corey misses me. You know you wouldn’t have to miss me, if you were just fucking loyal to me.” I said, pulling my hand away. Being drunk is letting all of my emotions run fee and I’m starting to regret my decision. Maybe I should just head to their room at the venue and chill by myself.
That’s exactly what I end up doing, and they just so happen to have some beer and snack food in here, too. I catch myself listening to their music from the room and I hear them stop, and I can faintly hear Corey’s voice say my name. I get up and walk [to the best of my ability] out and toward the stage. “Frankie! Will you sing this song with us?” He says, again. I walk up to him and give him a questioning look. He says, “The Shape. Will you sing it with me?” I gulp and nod. All of the alcohol in my system giving me courage. And plus, I need to let some of this shit out anyway. The band starts the song off and for a few, I just stand there in awe of the pure emotion rolling off of the lead singer until he looks at me and I catch his eye behind the mask. I join in, my own screams and growls in sync with his, and we kept glancing at each other the whole time. He was constantly nodding and winking, his sign of approval.
When the song was over, the crowd went absolutely fucking insane. Corey grabbed my hand and raised it with his. I laughed, feeling great. Suddenly, I’m picked up and spun around. “Oof, I’m gonna hurl if you don’t put me down!” I responded. I looked to see it was Jim who had picked me up. I stood on my tip toes and hugged him tightly. Then I was approached by the other 7 members. I hugged each one of them tightly. “Thank you, you crazy fuckers! We will see you again soon” Corey screamed, and we all left the stage. Sid ran up and picked me up bridal style. “You did so fucking great out there babe!” He screamed. I laughed, and reached up to take his mask off. I kissed him on the cheek. “You too, Sidney. As always.” I replied. I caught Jim’s eye and he looked pissed. I just shrugged it off as Sid was putting me back down on my feet. I take off running toward Jim and hop on his back, earning myself a piggy back ride. “Hey Jim-Jim. Don’t look so down. You did amazing out there! Your big sexy self-annihilating that guitar!” I exclaimed. He laughed and squeezed my legs that were wrapped around him.
They all went to shower so I went back to the main room and grabbed another beer. Joey was the first one out. “Hey, Frankie. You did really fucking great out there. The crowd loved it too.” He said, taking a seat by me. “Thanksss Joey,” I slurred. He frowned a little, “I think you’ve drank enough alcohol for tonight – and that takes a lot to hear from me. Can I get you some water?” He said, taking the beer from me. Instead of replying, I was cut off by Mick coming in with a cold bottle of water. “That’s right Jordison. She needs this.” He said and gave me the bottle, ruffling my hair, and leaving the room.
I opened the bottle and ended up chugging the whole thing. I burped loudly and gave Joey two thumbs up. He just laughed, and continued with what he was doing. Soon the rest of the band emerged and we all headed to the bus to get to the hotel we’d be staying at for the next few nights.
“I’m sorry, but we only have 5 rooms available. They are all rooms with 2 beds, except for one which we only have a queen.” The receptionist explained to me. I sighed and put my fingers on my forehead, thinking. “Alright. Give me those 5.” I said to her, trying to be polite in my frustrated, drunken state of mind. I handed out keys. “Alright, here’s the deal. She only has 5 rooms. So all of us have to share with someone. But the thing is one room only has a queen bed in it. I’m gonna be nice and not make you men share a bed together. I’ll take one for the team and share a bed with someone-“ and in that moment I was cut off, “It’s not like it’s anything new for you, doll.” Corey said with a wink. I groaned in frustration, and I had the last key pulled from my hand. I looked over to see it was Jim who took it. “It’s fine, I’ll share with you. I won’t be a perv I promise.” He said. I nodded slowly and we started making our way up. Sid approached me, “Are you sure you don’t mind Jim being in there with you?” I just looked at him and laughed. “Yeah, Sid. It’s fine. I used to live with the guy.” He just nodded and looked slightly irritated. “Well, if anything changes, just let me know. We can switch.” I hugged him, “Okay, Sidney. I got it. Goodnight.” I said and walked into my room, that Jim was holding the door open to.
I looked around. “Wow, a queen looks a lot smaller when you know you’re gonna be sharing it with a giant.” I said, laughing in my drunken stooper. I tried to take my shoes off and almost fell. “Whoa, easy there. Let me get those for you.” Jim said, catching me and sitting me on the bed. I nodded and laid back. He took my shoes off and scooted me farther up on the bed. “Are you gonna change or sleep in those?” He asked. I looked down at myself – ripped jeans and a long sleeve band tee. “I guess I better change.” I sat up and the room was spinning. Damn being drunk can really be a hassle at times. Jim laughed. “Do you need help?” He asked. He’s had to help me quite a few times before; I used to be heavily into drugs and he’s been with me through most of the worst times. Even my overdose. I smiled to him and nodded.
He slowly pulled off my socks and undid my pants. He told me to lift my butt slightly so he could pull them off. I did and I have to admit, being so long without any intimacy and my blood-alcohol level, I was getting pretty turned on. He came back up and started to lift my shirt. I bit my lip when he was doing so. “You can just sleep in one of my shirts tonight. I don’t know where your pj’s are. Can you get your bra off?” He said patiently. I thought for a moment.. I can still get it off with no problem, but do I want to? Nah. I looked up at him and shook my head no. he sighed deeply, and his face turned red. I tried to hold back a giggle and he noticed. “Are you fucking with me?” He asked. I immediately stopped smiling and said “No. I just can’t believe how drunk I am. I feel so stupid and helpless.” I said. Which, is true.. to an extent.
He put his arms behind me and in one smooth flick, my bra was undone and fell down in my lap. He reached for the bra and tossed a shirt at me immediately. “There you are sweetheart.” He said and started to go into the bathroom.
“Hey, wait.” I said, before putting the shirt on. He turned around and looked down, for a few seconds, and looked back up at my face. “Hmm?” He grunted out. “I need a shower.” I said, trying to sound innocent. Truly, I needed to get this shit out before I explode. And Jim was doing a mighty find job of getting me aroused. “Ok, go on then.” He said and motioned to the bathroom.
I stood up slowly, and started walking to the bathroom, leaving she shirt he tossed me on the bed. I walked past him and then stopped, resting against the door frame. “I might need help. I’m really dizzy.” I told him. He gulped and adjusted his pants. I purposely looked down at his pants and licked my lips, then looked back up at him. He looked like a wild animal ready to attack. “And, I might.. need help with something else too.” I told him, and slipped my hand into my thong.
“Okay, stop. Look. Frankie.” He started, dashing toward me and pulling my hands to my sides firmly. Instinctively, I moaned at the sudden force. He sighed deeply. “I know it’s been a while since you’ve.. you know. But I’m not going to take advantage of you. Not while you’re drunk. I don’t want you to do something you’ll regret later. I care about you more than you know Frankie. I couldn’t live with myself if I upset you. Go take a quick shower and go to bed.” He said. He let me go and walked over to the bed, grabbing his shirt and throwing it to me.
I sighed, knowing I was defeated and went into the bathroom, starting my shower. Oh well, I’ll just have to take care of this myself. I’m not even trying to be quiet or subtle about it. I need this release. I heard a knock on the door but I soon realized it was the hotel door and not the bathroom door. Again feeling defeated, I turned back around into the water, rinsing my body.
Emerging from the bathroom in only Jim’s shirt, I saw Corey sitting on the bed, but Jim was gone. “Whoa. Dude. Did I just… come out of the bathroom into the wrong room?” I asked, amazed that I just time traveled or some shit. Corey laughed loudly. “No honey. I just came in here to talk to you. Sounds like you had a good shower, hmm?” He asked, grinning ear to ear. “No. could have been a lot better.” I said, angry that I couldn’t get what I needed. “What do you want to talk about? I’m really sleepy.” I said, falling onto the bed. Jim’s shirt rose up to show my ass but it was to the wall so I didn’t care to pull it down.
“I just wanted to say I’m so sorry for hurting you. I was so fucking stupid and I’ll never forgive myself.” He started, leaning down to lay beside me on his side. I went to speak. “You don’t ge-“ but I was cut off by his finger on my lips. “Please, let me say this.” He pleaded. Since it seemed like he wasn’t here to pick a fight, I nodded. “I know I fucked up. And I don’t ever expect you to forgive me, but I just have to tell you that it’s my biggest regret in life – hurting you. You’re my one true love, Frankie. I’m so fucking sorry. I’ll never stop telling you that.” He put his fingers on my chin and made me look up at him. I had tears freely streaming down my face again. “I’m so fucking tired of crying over you Corey. Why can’t you just stop doing this shit and let me get over you?” I said to him sternly. He dropped his hand from my chin and looked away. “Do you still love me?” He asked. I didn’t reply to him. He asked again. “Yes goddamn it. What the fuck do you want from me? Do I have to kill myself for you? I mean shit. I don’t know why I’m the one who has to prove my love when that’s all I did the 9 years we were together and so far after that! Never have I done anything to make you think I don’t love you! But I always had to question you!” I started screaming and got up from the bed. “You are the one who fucking cheated on me! You’re the one who just watched me leave and didn’t even say a fucking word! YOU are the one who killed me! Yes, I’m fucking dead inside! I’ll never know how to love again. You took everything I ever had, and you fucking killed it. Do you fucking understand now?” I screamed, completely breaking down. I feel completely sober at this point. I feel my heart breaking all over again like it did that night. Jim came breaking into the room. “Fuck. I knew this was a bad idea. Get out Corey.” Jim said to him, in a hateful tone. “Jim, I just-“ Corey started but was cut off by Jim. “I said get OUT.” He said through gritted teeth.
Corey sighed, and left the room in a rush, slamming the door behind him. I could hear his screaming obscenities all the way down the hall. Jim picked me up and put me back on the bed, under the covers. He got on the bed beside me, but stayed above the cover. “I’m so sorry angel.” He whispered, kissing the top of my head. He threw his arm around me and pulled me tightly into his chest. I was no longer crying – just thinking, extremely overwhelmed with hurt and sadness. I had my eyes open, but all I could see were flashbacks. I can’t take this shit anymore.
I tried to get up but Jim wouldn’t let me. “Jim. Let me up. I need to go for a walk.” I said. “No, I’m not letting you go out there drunk at night by yourself” He replied. I snorted. “I’m not fucking drunk. That shit you let come in here sobered me up real quick. Let me up so I can get the fuck out of here.” He instantly lifted his arm. “I’m sorry Frankie. I knew it was a bad idea but he seemed-“ I cut him off. “He seemed what? SAD? HURT? Well he fucking should be.” I said harshly. “I’m on your side. But all I’m saying is he’s hurt too. He loves you Frankie. Believe it or don’t – but he’s not handling this any better than you are. I had to save him the week after everything because he was going to hang himself.” Jim said. I looked up at him and froze in my movements of getting re-dressed. “He what?” I asked, gulping hard. “He was going to kill himself for hurting you. He said you didn’t deserve it and he didn’t deserve to live.” He said quietly, looking down at the ground.
I put my clothes on quickly and ran out of the room, slamming the door. I went down to the bar they had in the hotel. Oddly enough, I saw Sid down there. “Hey Sid. What are you doing down here?” I asked him. “Shit Frankie. Are you alright babe?” He asked, standing up and wiping away at the tears stained on my face. I just shook my head and grabbed him in a hug. He held me tightly. “What is it?” He asked when I pulled away. “Jim told me about Corey the week after everything happened. But he let that fucker come in there and tell me how sad HE is that we’re not together. the fucking nerve.” I said quickly. I ordered 2 shots and a gin & tonic. “You’re all about drinking tonight, aren’t you?” Sid asked. “Well technically, it’s not the same day. It’s 2 a.m. Sid.” I said back to him. He looked over at the clock on the wall. “Holy shit. Tonight went by quick.” All of a sudden, Sid’s phone rang. “Yeah?” He answered, “I’m with her. We’re downstairs. Yeah, the bar. I’ll bring her back up later. We’re just talking. She told me. It was! You know how that shit is. Alright dude.” He hung up and looked at me, “That was Jim. Checking on you.” He said, placing his hand on my knee. “Frankie you don’t deserve to be this sad. You deserve all the happiness in the world.” He said, brushing hair out of my face. “I just wish I could give you that, but I know I can’t. I hope one day soon you find your happiness.” I smiled, and looked in his eyes, saying “Sid, I care for you, so fucking much. You’re the one who deserves happiness. Not me. I deserve exactly what I’ve gotten. I’m sorry I hurt you all those years ago. You didn’t deserve it. I shouldn’t have let you go. I was just scared. I was in love with you and you were the first guy who I ever loved. I didn’t know…” I trailed off, not knowing what else to say.
Sid looked at me, “It was my fault Frankie. I pushed you away because I was scared too. I wanted to ask you to marry me. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, and I didn’t know what to do about it. I mean we were so young. I didn’t want to end up divorced like my parents so I did everything I could to make you hate me before we got too far. But I didn’t know you’d move on so quickly.. If I knew I’d never get you back, I’d go back and never hurt you” He said. I sighed, tears falling again. “Fuck, Sid.” Is all I could get out. “I didn’t mean to.. Corey was just a rebound. Just someone to make you jealous. I wanted you to feel bad. I wanted you to see that I could be happy with someone else and I wanted you to see what you gave up. I never expected it to turn into anything more.” I said, but Sid wasn’t looking at me. He was looking behind me.
“Well it’s really great to finally fucking hear your true feelings.” I heard. I snapped around to see Corey standing there with tears of his own running down his face. We locked eyes for a few moments, before he turned on his heels and stormed out. This is where you chase after the person you love, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t move. “Are you gonna go?” Sid asked. I turned around and looked at him. “Why should I? he didn’t stop me when I left. And he killed everything we had. There’s nothing more for me there.” I said, standing up. “I’m going back up to my room. Goodnight.” I began walking off but I felt a tug at my wrist. I turned around and was met with Sid’s lips crashing on mine. I kissed him back with all the built up anger and pain in me. We pulled away after a few moments. “Goodnight, Frankie. I’m so, so fucking sorry.” He said and walked off. I stayed there for a moment, touching my lips, and finally went back up to my room.
As soon as I knocked on the door it flew open. “Thank fuck you’re okay.” Jim said letting me in and shutting the door. I again undressed and pulled Jim’s shirt on. He was already stripped down to his boxers and getting in the bed. My cheeks flushed red and I climbed into bed as well. He didn’t say anything, just stared at me as to ask if I’m okay. I just nodded, and he smiled a little, then closed his eyes. I turned off the light and snuggled into his chest. He immediately wrapped an arm around me and pulled me close. He kissed me on the forehead and despite all the thoughts in my mind, I fell right to sleep.