Status: Active
Purity
One More Time & I'm Gonna Snap
It’s my birthday today! I’m 27 – my lucky number! The guys and I somehow all returned to normal. We’re having a huge party tonight in celebration of mine and Sid’s birthday. His is in 10 days, but we just threw both into one.
Corey said he was going to sing a song for me tonight, along with Jim. Apparently it’s one they wrote together. And I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t this..
Jim starts playing the most beautiful intro that I’ve ever heard, then Corey’s beautiful voice came in and I wasn’t sure who to look at, as they’re both staring me dead in the face. Jim joins in singing through parts of the song, and it’s just so beautiful I could cry and melt all at the same time.
She seems dressed in all of me. Stretched across my shame. All the torment and the pain. Leaked through and covered me. I'd do anything to have her to myself. Just to have her for myself. Now I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do when she makes me sad. She is everything to me. The unrequited dream. A song that no one sings. The unattainable. She's a myth that I have to believe in. All I need to make it real is one more reason. I don't know what to do. I don’t know what to do when she makes me sad. But I won't let this build up inside of me… I catch in my throat, choke. Torn into pieces. I won't, no. I don't want to be this. But I won't let this build up inside of me. I won't let this build up inside of me. She isn't real.. I can't make her real.. Won't let this build up inside of me…
When the song ended, I ran up to Jim and hugged him as hard as I could. “That was so beautiful Jim-Jim.” I said to him and turned to Corey. I jumped into his arms, and he spun me around. He said into the mic, “Happy Birthday Frankie!!” and everyone cheered. I smiled out to the crowd of all my friends.
I hopped off the stage and got myself a drink. Joey approached me, “Hey Frankie. Happy birthday to ya.” He said. “Thanks Joey. It’s such a great party. I haven’t had this much fun in a while.” He laughed. “I know what you mean. Hey, you know Corey and Jim both wrote that song, but do you know which part Jim wrote?” He asked. I thought for a moment, “Hm.. no. I guess when they told me I just figured they came up with all of it together. What did Jim write?” I asked. Joey sighed, “I shouldn’t have brought this up. I know how you’ve been about no romance and shit but..” I cut him off and told him to just spit it out! All ‘Corey-like’. “Okay, well Jim wrote the opening verse, and the whole ‘Won’t let this build up inside of me’ chorus part.” I thought back to the opening verse.
She seems dressed in all of me. Stretched across my shame. All the torment and the pain, leaked through and covered me. I’d do anything to have her to myself. Just to have her for myself. Now I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do when she makes me sad.
“Holy shit. So he’s saying..” I started, but trailed off. Joey nodded. “Jim says he wrote that the day that you gave the speech to all of us last year. You must be doing something right with the way you work yourself because every guy you’ve been with just seems to be eternally hooked. I’m gonna stay away from you, missy. I like my variety.” Joey said, trying to lighten the mood. I laughed with him, but in the back of my mind I couldn’t stop thinking. Does Jim actually care for me more than just friendship and the one night we spent together?
We never did anything that last night we shared the hotel room. I explained to him that I meant what I said earlier and I didn’t want to fuck anyone else over. He respected my wish and we just left it at that. Though, we did cuddle all night and talk about random shit.
Oh well, though. It’s not like I can confront Jim about it. No relationships, no attachments. I sighed and hugged Joey. “Thanks for always keeping it real with me Joey.” I said genuinely. “Anytime,” He replied and walked off. Most likely to find some tale. I laughed to myself and looked around at everyone enjoying themselves, then to the stars in the sky. It was such a clear night and I admired being able to see the stars.
I felt a tap on my shoulder and I turned around to see Sid all dressed up. “Look at you, all dressed up and handsome as hell. Who’s the lucky lady?” I said to him, grinning ear to ear. He smiled back and laughed softly. “Why, it seems it is I, who is lucky. Would you do me the honor of accompanying me, darling?” He said, offering his arm to me. I agree, looping my arm with his, a little unsure of where we were going, My heart pounding like it’s gonna jump right out of my chest, Sid just looks to me and smiles that heart-breaking grin of his. I can’t help but smile back. He leads me up a ladder on the back of this huge house we’re at, and I see that on the roof there’s a small nook with a bottle of wine and a blanket. “Sid…” I say, as we walk up to it.
“Don’t freak out Frankie, please. I just want you to get a better view of the stars, and why not with some wine? I can go if you’d like to be alone. I just thought you’d like this.” Sid said, kissing me on the top of my head and walking away. I battle internally with myself for a moment but then I grab his hand. “Wait, stay with me?” I said, almost a whisper. He grinned, and we walked over to the blanket, hand in hand. We both sat there staring at the stars for a while. I leaned back, making it easier to see them without hurting my back and Sid followed suit.
He offered his arm as a pillow and I accepted. “Thank you Sidney.” I said to him. “Anything for you,” he replied. My heart fluttered again. I saw a shooting star and nudged Sid and pointed at it. “Make a wish” He said quickly. I did, and then looked at him, smiling. “Did you make a wish?” I asked him. He nodded. “You?” He asked and I replied with a yes. We lay there for a while longer, before it got pretty chilly and we decided to go back down to the party. He helped me up and placed his hands on my waist.
“Frankie, I respect your wishes and you know I’ll never force you to do anything. But I miss you so much, and I love-“ I cut him off by crashing my lips to his. I wrapped one arm around his neck, deepening the kiss and placed the other on his back, keeping him from moving away from me. His arms snaked all the way around my waist pulling me tight up against him. Our tongues danced with each other and I realize how much I miss his kisses, gentleness, and his love. It’s been 5 months since I distanced myself from all intimacy and I must admit, this is the most amazing feeling that I’ve felt in a long time.
We break for air, too soon in my opinion. He smiles to me and kisses me again, gently this time. He pulls away fully and says, “Happy birthday babe.” I smile at him, the biggest smile I can and thank him. “You’re amazing Sid. Don’t ever forget that. And don’t ever forget your place.” I said and placed his hand over my heart.
We climbed back down the ladder and walked back around to the front of the house. “There she is!” I hear Chris yell. He picks me up and throws me over his shoulder and takes off running. “Wait, what the fuck?” I scream, while bouncing. I can see Sid following behind, laughing his ass off. “Cake, bitch!” Chris yells.
He carries me inside and I sit down at the table in front of the most humongous cake I’ve ever seen. “Mother of God. That’s huge..” I said in astonishment. “That’s what she said,” I hear and look over to Jim and see him laughing. My cheeks flush and I laugh. Corey clears his throat. I laugh and look away from Jim and back to everyone around me. Then they start singing happy birthday. “Frankie, I know this is your birthday, but you already told me it’s okay, so Stacy, could you come here for a minute babe?” Mick says suddenly. She walks over, looking scared but I flash her a smile and a thumbs up. She smiles back at me and then looks to Mick. He looks over at me and winks, I give him a nod of approval.
“You’ve been there for me through everything. You’re so patient with me and I want you to know I love you so much, Stacy. I love you so much that I want to be there by your side forever. I need you here with me. I don’t know where I’d be with you but I hope I never have to find out. Will you marry me?” Mick asks, getting down on one knee, even though he’s still as tall as me doing it. Stacy’s eyes are pouring tears and she doesn’t even hesitate to pull him into a kiss. “Fuck yes. Of course I’ll marry you, Mick.” She pulls him into an embrace, and smothers him with kisses. Everyone bursts into cheer. “Geez woman, do you want the ring?” He asks when he’s able to breathe once again. She laughs. “I forgot about the ring.” She said nervously. We all laughed. He put the huge ring on her finger and pulled her in for another kiss.
Once everyone quieted down I stood up, getting everyone’s attention. With tears of joy still in my eyes, threatening to fall, I raise my glass to everyone. “I just want to throw it out there, how much I love all of you. You’re my family. You’ve been there for me when no one else was. Jim, thank you for providing a roof over my head and being there for me in my darkest times. Sid, thank you for giving me the absolute best birthday of my life, my sweet 16. And thank you for showing me how wonderful that first love can be. Thank you for saving my life numerous times. Corey, oh shit. Thank you for being there for me through 9 years of grief and good ass times. Thank you, for showing me what it’s like to love the way that you love. Thank you for putting up with my crazy ass for that many years. Mick, thank you for being the brother I’ve always needed. Thank you for all of your advice. Shawn, thank you for always keeping me straight – and these fuckers, too! Chris, thank you for always being the one who seems intimidating, but is always there looking out for us all. Thank you for giving me those late night phone calls full of conversations that were nothing but burps and other weird noises. Craig, I don’t expect a response from you but thank you for teaching me about music and taking me to the most awesome sex shop I’ve ever been in! Hahaha! Joey, thank you for being the one who always reminds me not to settle down, just keep going. And for telling me all of their dirty little secrets. And last but not least, Paul. Thank you for being my big teddy bear. You took me to get my first tattoo and you held my hand through it even though it didn’t hurt at all. Thank you for being such a bad influence on me. You bought me my first bottle of absinthe and showed me the aliens! Now. I do have a song that I’ve written, that I would like to play for you all. I did write it for someone, but unlike Mr. Great Big Mouth, I will not tell you who.”
Everyone busted out into cheer, questions and tears at the end of my speech. I went outside to the stage alone and sat on the stool with Jim’s guitar.
“Don’t let me ruin anyone’s mood. This song is not the happiest, but when have I ever written a happy song?” I said into the mic, earning laughter from everyone. No one knows about this song – not Corey, not Jim, not Sid, not Mick.. No one but me. I sigh deeply, and plug in the guitar.
I start strumming absently, before launching into the song. I look down or keep my eyes closed the entire time, so that I don’t look at him and give away who the song is for.
Bury all your secrets in my skin. Come away with innocence and leave me with my sins. The air around me still feels like a cage. And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again. So if you love me let me go, and run away before I know. My heart is just too dark to care. I can't destroy what isn't there. Deliver me into my fate. If I'm alone I cannot hate. I don't deserve to have you.. Ooh, my smile was taken long ago. If I can change I hope I never know. I still press your letters to my lips, and cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss. I couldn't face a life without your light. But all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight. So save your breath, I will not care. I think I made it very clear. You couldn't hate enough to love. Is that supposed to be enough? I only wish you weren't my friend… Then I could hurt you in the end. I never claimed to be a saint. Ooh, my own was banished long ago. It took the death of hope to let you go. So break yourself against my stones and spit your pity in my soul. Angels lie to keep control. Ooh, my love was punished long ago. If you still care don't ever let me know…
I end the song and open my eyes, looking around. No one moves or makes a sound. I put down the guitar and then everyone claps and screams. I smile, I didn’t even shed a tear through the song. I’m getting over everything and soon it’ll all be gone and I can finally move on from all of them.
When I get off the stage, I’m bombarded with hugs. Many with people who are leaving and many from people who know my pain and are proud of me for letting it out.
Corey said he was going to sing a song for me tonight, along with Jim. Apparently it’s one they wrote together. And I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t this..
Jim starts playing the most beautiful intro that I’ve ever heard, then Corey’s beautiful voice came in and I wasn’t sure who to look at, as they’re both staring me dead in the face. Jim joins in singing through parts of the song, and it’s just so beautiful I could cry and melt all at the same time.
She seems dressed in all of me. Stretched across my shame. All the torment and the pain. Leaked through and covered me. I'd do anything to have her to myself. Just to have her for myself. Now I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do when she makes me sad. She is everything to me. The unrequited dream. A song that no one sings. The unattainable. She's a myth that I have to believe in. All I need to make it real is one more reason. I don't know what to do. I don’t know what to do when she makes me sad. But I won't let this build up inside of me… I catch in my throat, choke. Torn into pieces. I won't, no. I don't want to be this. But I won't let this build up inside of me. I won't let this build up inside of me. She isn't real.. I can't make her real.. Won't let this build up inside of me…
When the song ended, I ran up to Jim and hugged him as hard as I could. “That was so beautiful Jim-Jim.” I said to him and turned to Corey. I jumped into his arms, and he spun me around. He said into the mic, “Happy Birthday Frankie!!” and everyone cheered. I smiled out to the crowd of all my friends.
I hopped off the stage and got myself a drink. Joey approached me, “Hey Frankie. Happy birthday to ya.” He said. “Thanks Joey. It’s such a great party. I haven’t had this much fun in a while.” He laughed. “I know what you mean. Hey, you know Corey and Jim both wrote that song, but do you know which part Jim wrote?” He asked. I thought for a moment, “Hm.. no. I guess when they told me I just figured they came up with all of it together. What did Jim write?” I asked. Joey sighed, “I shouldn’t have brought this up. I know how you’ve been about no romance and shit but..” I cut him off and told him to just spit it out! All ‘Corey-like’. “Okay, well Jim wrote the opening verse, and the whole ‘Won’t let this build up inside of me’ chorus part.” I thought back to the opening verse.
She seems dressed in all of me. Stretched across my shame. All the torment and the pain, leaked through and covered me. I’d do anything to have her to myself. Just to have her for myself. Now I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do when she makes me sad.
“Holy shit. So he’s saying..” I started, but trailed off. Joey nodded. “Jim says he wrote that the day that you gave the speech to all of us last year. You must be doing something right with the way you work yourself because every guy you’ve been with just seems to be eternally hooked. I’m gonna stay away from you, missy. I like my variety.” Joey said, trying to lighten the mood. I laughed with him, but in the back of my mind I couldn’t stop thinking. Does Jim actually care for me more than just friendship and the one night we spent together?
We never did anything that last night we shared the hotel room. I explained to him that I meant what I said earlier and I didn’t want to fuck anyone else over. He respected my wish and we just left it at that. Though, we did cuddle all night and talk about random shit.
Oh well, though. It’s not like I can confront Jim about it. No relationships, no attachments. I sighed and hugged Joey. “Thanks for always keeping it real with me Joey.” I said genuinely. “Anytime,” He replied and walked off. Most likely to find some tale. I laughed to myself and looked around at everyone enjoying themselves, then to the stars in the sky. It was such a clear night and I admired being able to see the stars.
I felt a tap on my shoulder and I turned around to see Sid all dressed up. “Look at you, all dressed up and handsome as hell. Who’s the lucky lady?” I said to him, grinning ear to ear. He smiled back and laughed softly. “Why, it seems it is I, who is lucky. Would you do me the honor of accompanying me, darling?” He said, offering his arm to me. I agree, looping my arm with his, a little unsure of where we were going, My heart pounding like it’s gonna jump right out of my chest, Sid just looks to me and smiles that heart-breaking grin of his. I can’t help but smile back. He leads me up a ladder on the back of this huge house we’re at, and I see that on the roof there’s a small nook with a bottle of wine and a blanket. “Sid…” I say, as we walk up to it.
“Don’t freak out Frankie, please. I just want you to get a better view of the stars, and why not with some wine? I can go if you’d like to be alone. I just thought you’d like this.” Sid said, kissing me on the top of my head and walking away. I battle internally with myself for a moment but then I grab his hand. “Wait, stay with me?” I said, almost a whisper. He grinned, and we walked over to the blanket, hand in hand. We both sat there staring at the stars for a while. I leaned back, making it easier to see them without hurting my back and Sid followed suit.
He offered his arm as a pillow and I accepted. “Thank you Sidney.” I said to him. “Anything for you,” he replied. My heart fluttered again. I saw a shooting star and nudged Sid and pointed at it. “Make a wish” He said quickly. I did, and then looked at him, smiling. “Did you make a wish?” I asked him. He nodded. “You?” He asked and I replied with a yes. We lay there for a while longer, before it got pretty chilly and we decided to go back down to the party. He helped me up and placed his hands on my waist.
“Frankie, I respect your wishes and you know I’ll never force you to do anything. But I miss you so much, and I love-“ I cut him off by crashing my lips to his. I wrapped one arm around his neck, deepening the kiss and placed the other on his back, keeping him from moving away from me. His arms snaked all the way around my waist pulling me tight up against him. Our tongues danced with each other and I realize how much I miss his kisses, gentleness, and his love. It’s been 5 months since I distanced myself from all intimacy and I must admit, this is the most amazing feeling that I’ve felt in a long time.
We break for air, too soon in my opinion. He smiles to me and kisses me again, gently this time. He pulls away fully and says, “Happy birthday babe.” I smile at him, the biggest smile I can and thank him. “You’re amazing Sid. Don’t ever forget that. And don’t ever forget your place.” I said and placed his hand over my heart.
We climbed back down the ladder and walked back around to the front of the house. “There she is!” I hear Chris yell. He picks me up and throws me over his shoulder and takes off running. “Wait, what the fuck?” I scream, while bouncing. I can see Sid following behind, laughing his ass off. “Cake, bitch!” Chris yells.
He carries me inside and I sit down at the table in front of the most humongous cake I’ve ever seen. “Mother of God. That’s huge..” I said in astonishment. “That’s what she said,” I hear and look over to Jim and see him laughing. My cheeks flush and I laugh. Corey clears his throat. I laugh and look away from Jim and back to everyone around me. Then they start singing happy birthday. “Frankie, I know this is your birthday, but you already told me it’s okay, so Stacy, could you come here for a minute babe?” Mick says suddenly. She walks over, looking scared but I flash her a smile and a thumbs up. She smiles back at me and then looks to Mick. He looks over at me and winks, I give him a nod of approval.
“You’ve been there for me through everything. You’re so patient with me and I want you to know I love you so much, Stacy. I love you so much that I want to be there by your side forever. I need you here with me. I don’t know where I’d be with you but I hope I never have to find out. Will you marry me?” Mick asks, getting down on one knee, even though he’s still as tall as me doing it. Stacy’s eyes are pouring tears and she doesn’t even hesitate to pull him into a kiss. “Fuck yes. Of course I’ll marry you, Mick.” She pulls him into an embrace, and smothers him with kisses. Everyone bursts into cheer. “Geez woman, do you want the ring?” He asks when he’s able to breathe once again. She laughs. “I forgot about the ring.” She said nervously. We all laughed. He put the huge ring on her finger and pulled her in for another kiss.
Once everyone quieted down I stood up, getting everyone’s attention. With tears of joy still in my eyes, threatening to fall, I raise my glass to everyone. “I just want to throw it out there, how much I love all of you. You’re my family. You’ve been there for me when no one else was. Jim, thank you for providing a roof over my head and being there for me in my darkest times. Sid, thank you for giving me the absolute best birthday of my life, my sweet 16. And thank you for showing me how wonderful that first love can be. Thank you for saving my life numerous times. Corey, oh shit. Thank you for being there for me through 9 years of grief and good ass times. Thank you, for showing me what it’s like to love the way that you love. Thank you for putting up with my crazy ass for that many years. Mick, thank you for being the brother I’ve always needed. Thank you for all of your advice. Shawn, thank you for always keeping me straight – and these fuckers, too! Chris, thank you for always being the one who seems intimidating, but is always there looking out for us all. Thank you for giving me those late night phone calls full of conversations that were nothing but burps and other weird noises. Craig, I don’t expect a response from you but thank you for teaching me about music and taking me to the most awesome sex shop I’ve ever been in! Hahaha! Joey, thank you for being the one who always reminds me not to settle down, just keep going. And for telling me all of their dirty little secrets. And last but not least, Paul. Thank you for being my big teddy bear. You took me to get my first tattoo and you held my hand through it even though it didn’t hurt at all. Thank you for being such a bad influence on me. You bought me my first bottle of absinthe and showed me the aliens! Now. I do have a song that I’ve written, that I would like to play for you all. I did write it for someone, but unlike Mr. Great Big Mouth, I will not tell you who.”
Everyone busted out into cheer, questions and tears at the end of my speech. I went outside to the stage alone and sat on the stool with Jim’s guitar.
“Don’t let me ruin anyone’s mood. This song is not the happiest, but when have I ever written a happy song?” I said into the mic, earning laughter from everyone. No one knows about this song – not Corey, not Jim, not Sid, not Mick.. No one but me. I sigh deeply, and plug in the guitar.
I start strumming absently, before launching into the song. I look down or keep my eyes closed the entire time, so that I don’t look at him and give away who the song is for.
Bury all your secrets in my skin. Come away with innocence and leave me with my sins. The air around me still feels like a cage. And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again. So if you love me let me go, and run away before I know. My heart is just too dark to care. I can't destroy what isn't there. Deliver me into my fate. If I'm alone I cannot hate. I don't deserve to have you.. Ooh, my smile was taken long ago. If I can change I hope I never know. I still press your letters to my lips, and cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss. I couldn't face a life without your light. But all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight. So save your breath, I will not care. I think I made it very clear. You couldn't hate enough to love. Is that supposed to be enough? I only wish you weren't my friend… Then I could hurt you in the end. I never claimed to be a saint. Ooh, my own was banished long ago. It took the death of hope to let you go. So break yourself against my stones and spit your pity in my soul. Angels lie to keep control. Ooh, my love was punished long ago. If you still care don't ever let me know…
I end the song and open my eyes, looking around. No one moves or makes a sound. I put down the guitar and then everyone claps and screams. I smile, I didn’t even shed a tear through the song. I’m getting over everything and soon it’ll all be gone and I can finally move on from all of them.
When I get off the stage, I’m bombarded with hugs. Many with people who are leaving and many from people who know my pain and are proud of me for letting it out.