Circle of Fear

“Well Ashlee. When you ran away, you missed our new album. It was very.. different.. to say, without you there through the recording process and tour.” Corey said to me. I bit my lip and nodded. “I’ve heard it and seen the music videos.. I still love it, you all fucking rocked it as usual. I don’t hate any of you. I just- I can’t talk about it right now.” I said sadly. Thankfully Chris changed subjects and we continued making small talk and ignoring what we were supposed to be discussing.

“So, I was thinking.. I’d like to put together a video, in memory of Paul. For the funeral, and you all of you.” I spoke up once we were all seated in Corey’s living room. Everyone agreed with the idea. “I still have your camera. It was left in my room before..” Corey trailed off. I nodded to him and went upstairs to fetch it.
I saw it sitting on his desk on top of a bunch of papers. The rest of Corey’s room was a wreck. It looked like a tornado went through it. I picked up my camera and left his room.
I held it up to everyone once I got into the living room and told everyone that if they had pictures or videos that they could get them to me by the end of today for it to be put into the video.

Shortly after discussing the funeral plans, time, etc. Shanna and I headed to a hotel. Everyone offered their place to us but we denied. It was too soon, and too awkward. I hugged everyone as we were leaving. When Corey hugged me, he said. “Go to him.” And I looked over to Sid, who was looking sadly at us.
Taking a deep breath, I went back over to Sid. I wrapped both of my arms around his neck and buried my face in his neck. He wrapped one arm around my waist and his other hand went to the back of my head, running his fingers through my hair. He kissed the top of my head and we both sobbed in each other’s arms for a minute. I finally pulled away from him, placing a kiss on his cheek. We both blushed at that, and I pulled away from him completely.
I grabbed my camera before Shanna and I left. I had a lot of work to do in a few short hours for this video.
When I was done, I showed Shanna the video. It ended up being just a little over 10 minutes long. It started with one of Paul’s interviews about Iowa. Flashed to him and his wife at a show. It showed him pointing to her – saying he loves her. Then it flashed back to his interview, talking about his childhood and growing up. Talking about how poor they used to be and his time being homeless. He talked about how Corey and I were the first ones he met in Des Moines. Then it went to one of my favorite concerts they’ve ever played, of him playing bass.
It went back to the interview, with him talking about Clown. It then showed a moment where they were all dressed in their jumpsuits, outside before playing a show. Paul and Clown sharing a hug. Then I added in a clip of him praising Joey. Flashing to the same concert again of Paul over there by Joey playing and nodding to him, happy. Back to the interview of him speaking of all the guys. Every time he spoke about someone, I would have it change back to that concert where Paul shared moments with each band member.
When he spoke of Sid, my heart fluttered again. I’ve watched this interview 20 or 30 times but that moment always has the same effect on me. ‘And Sid’s like.. I mean, watching Sid and how he’s changed over the years, from when he first joined this band and where he is now. Oh, growing up, kind of. I mean he was like a kid. Fuck I think he was like 20 when he joined the band. And uh, or 21. 21 actually. But 21 going on 13. It was awesome. To see him fucking, just grow up into Sid, man. It’s badass, really cool. He’s a smart guy, too. He’s a really smart guy. A lot smarter than people give him credit for.
I included the clip of Sid jumping onto Chris’s drums and rocking them back and forth, jumping off toward Paul and running back to his setup.
I included another clip of Paul and Craig doing their ‘secret’ handshake backstage. Paul really did bring out the best in everyone. As I watched this, I cried again, but smiled through it because even when he’s gone.. Paul still shed his light.
After he spoke about each member, he started speaking about the band in full, as a whole. He noted everyone’s importance. Then I showed again a clip of the concert – just Paul doing his favorite thing, playing bass. He spoke of how we all need each other. The interview ended with him speaking about retiring. He said he doesn’t like to think about the day that he doesn’t play with Slipknot anymore.
I ended the video flashing the #2, followed by his name and 19972 – 2010. The final slide of the video, had a quote that I heard everyone repeat at the press release. “Our brother will be greatly missed. This world will be a different place without him. We love you Paul” and the Slipknot logo at the bottom.

I showed the video to everyone the next day. They all loved it, and everyone sobbed through it. Shawn grabbed me and pulled me into a tight hug. “It’s perfect, Ashlee. Thank you so much.” He said and pulled away. Everyone pretty much followed his lead, doing the same.
I went into the kitchen to grab a beer and saw Corey with his hand on Shanna’s face as they talked in the living room. I smiled warmly at them. I hope they work things out and get back together – they were perfect together, but Corey wasn’t stable back then. I know he needs her now, more than ever. Maybe I should talk to each of them about it.
I leaned against the counter and sipped the beer. I was still looking over to Corey and Shanna. He had removed his hand from her face and let it rest on her hip instead. They were both smiling to each other in their conversation.
“You think they’ll end up back together?” Chris asked me as he walked into the kitchen. I snapped out of my daze and nodded to him. “They need each other.” I replied, taking another sip of my beer. My anxiety was sparking again. “I need a smoke.” I told him and went outside.
I sat down on the steps and leaned against the railing to my left. I lit a cigarette and just stared into the darkness, deep in thought.
“You needed to get away, too?” I heard, making me jump. I turned to see Sid sitting on the other end of the porch with a joint in his mouth.
My heart started beating extremely fast and I couldn’t think of what to say. I just looked at him for a moment and looked back in front of me. I took a deep drag off my cigarette and as I breathed the air out, he came to sit next to me. He placed his arm around my shoulders and I relaxed, leaning into his chest. “It’s good as hell to see you again. Just not like this.” He said, his voice cracking at the end.
I pulled back from him slightly to look at his face. “You look good, Sid.” I said to him, reaching my hand up to touch his cheek. He let out a deep breath and turned his head to kiss the palm of my hand. He looked back down at me and raised the joint back to his lips. A small smile tugged at my lips and I buried his face back in his chest. He tightened his arm around me and we stayed like that until we both finished smoking.
I stood up first, pulling out of his embrace. He stood up as well, and grabbed my hand before I could walk back inside. “I was so worried about you when I heard that you overdoes. I went all over looking for you.” Sid said quietly. I closed my eyes and tried to hold back the tears. “I’m sorry I put all of you through that. I’m so sorry this happened to Paul.” I choked out. Sid lifted my chin, making me look into his eyes. They were full of pain and concern.
“I don’t know what I would do if I lost you, too. Please stay.” He whispered. I bit my lip and shook my head. “I can’t answer that right now, Sidney.” I whispered back to him. He dropped his hand from my face and stepped away from me, letting me go back inside.
Walking back in, I saw Shanna and Corey making out on the couch. Again, I felt myself smile. I heard the front door close and I knew it was Sid coming back in. He stood beside me and followed my gaze. I looked over to him and he looked to be deep in thought. He walked over and sat down with Chris, starting a conversation.
“Hey, Ashlee. I think- I think I’m gonna stay here. I mean, there’s no sense in paying for a hotel when we have so many options here.” Shanna said approaching me. “I saw you two.” I told her and her face flushed pink. “It’s ok. I’ll be fine. You stay here. I know you two need each other and let’s face it – you have a lot of catching up to do.” I told her and she nodded.
“But I’m not letting you stay in that hotel room by yourself.” She told me sternly. I bit my lip, knowing that I had nowhere to stay. “Shit, she can stay here too.” Corey said as he approached us, wrapping his arm around Shanna’s shoulders. She smiled at him and turned her gaze back to me.
“Your room is just like you left it.” He said to me. I nodded. “I’m just gonna go get our stuff and check out then, ok?” I told her and she agreed. I grabbed her keys and walked out the door. Before the door shut, I heard Corey tell Sid to go with me. I sighed, not wanting to be alone with him.
I decided not to wait and see if he would actually listen to Corey. I started her car and turned up the radio after I lit a cigarette. I heard knocking on the window and I looked up to meet Sid’s gaze. I rolled down the window. “I’m coming with you,” He said and walked over to the other side of the car. When he got in I turned the volume up even louder. It seems he got the clue not to talk to me.

We went into the hotel room and I started gathering all of our things. “Looks like it’s a good idea I came with you. You girls brought a lot of shit for 4 days..” He said. I chuckled. “Well, we are women so…” I replied
We got everything put into the car and I went into the lobby to check-out. I returned to the car and saw Sid was sitting on the hood. He held his arms out as I got near him and I looked at him with a raised eyebrow. He sighed and stood up. He grabbed my waist and pulled my body against his. We wrapped our arms around each other.
“Can’t you see it?” He whispered into my hair and I shook my head. He pulled away a bit, looking deep into my eyes. There was a strong breeze that blew my hair all over the place. “I still love you. I still need you. I don’t know why I acted like such a fool in California.” He said. He never removed his eyes from mine. I didn’t say anything to him – just searched his face for any sign that he was lying or kidding.
He moved a hand to the back of my neck and pulled my face to his and crashed his lips onto mine. I felt like lightning was shooting through my whole body. I kissed him back with everything I had left in me. Both of his hands were cupping my face, keeping me from pulling away. I wrapped my arms around his waist and hugged his body close to mine.
“Do you need me?” Sid asked me as he pulled away. “Yes. I’ve always needed you. I love you so fucking much.” I stammered out. I kissed him again and we heard a car blow the horn. We didn’t pull away from each other – instead we both shot birds into the air. We laughed into our kiss and when we finally pulled away from each other, we were both out of breath.
We got back into the car and Sid held my hand in his. We didn’t talk on the way back. There was a comfortable silence between us.

I pulled Shanna’s car back into Corey’s driveway. It seems like most of the guys have left by now. We got out and I popped the trunk of the car open. Before we grabbed the bags, Sid turned to me. “You can always stay with me, you know.” He said. I bit my lip and nodded. “Okay,” I whispered. He planted a soft kiss on my lips which I happily returned.
We grabbed Shanna’s bags and went up to the house. Walking in, she looked at the bags. “Where’s your stuff?” She asked and I blushed. “She’s staying with me.” Sid said confidently. Shanna’s jaw dropped and she looked at me for confirmation. I nodded at her, smiling. Corey looked up at the ceiling and said, “Thank you Paul.” And we all shared a sad smile with each other, the memory of why we’re here sinking in.

Sid and I got to his house and he carried my bags to his bedroom. “I need a shower, I feel like I stink.” I said, laughing. “You know where everything is.” He said, walking up to me and placing his hands on my waist. I leaned in and kissed him. He sighed against my lips, kissing me back. We pulled away and I grabbed my favorite shirt to sleep in and some panties from a bag and stepped into his bathroom, shutting the door.
When the water was hot enough, I got in and relaxed under the hot water. I bathed and washed my hair, then just stayed under the hot water. I was drowning in my thoughts. Everything seems great right now, but he’s gonna start asking questions that I can’t answer. And I still have questions for him, too.
Breaking me from my thoughts, the shower curtain was pulled open and Sid stepped in behind me, fully naked. He placed his hands on my hips and kissed my back, up to my shoulders. I leaned back into his touch and he turned me around. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him deeply. He snaked his hands around my waist, moving down to my ass and giving a firm squeeze. I moaned in his mouth and he lifted me up, my legs wrapping around his waist for support.
He placed me gently against the wall of the shower. He took his time, kissing me slowly. I started kissing the side of his mouth to his jaw. I kissed down his neck and collarbone. He was moaning quietly and I could feel his breathing speed up. I placed small bites across his chest and moved my way back up the other side of his neck, kissing again. When I reached his lips again, he kissed me back deeper than before.
He returned the favor, making me moan this time. He placed me back onto the floor and turned off the shower. He got out and handed me a towel, wrapping one around himself as well. We both dried off and he threw the towels in the floor, grabbing my hand to pull me back into his bedroom.
“Where were we?” He asked with that look in his eye before gently placing me on the bed on my back. He stared at my body for a few moments, making me feel self-conscious. He looked up into my eyes and I saw the look I’ve missed so much – love.
He got onto the bed, lying beside me. He rubbed my stomach gently as he kissed me, softly again. I pushed him so he was laying on his back. I got on top of him, straddling his waist. Our hands roamed each other’s bodies, memorizing every curve. I kissed him passionately, grinding my hips on him, earning more moans from him.
He turned so that he was on top of me, and kissed down my body. I shivered at the feeling. “You’re so beautiful.” He said as his kisses trailed toward the bottom of my belly. I bit my lip and ran my fingers over his head. He started placing small kisses and sucking softly onto my extremely sensitive flesh, instantly making me go crazy with desire.
I moaned loudly and he smiled up at me. He took his time with me, making sure to kiss every single inch of my body. He brought his lips back up to mine and kissed me deeply. We both moaned into each other’s mouths. I ran my nails down his chest and started jerking him off, slowly.
“I love you.” He said against my mouth and moaning loudly again. I giggled at him and replied. “I love you more,” He pulled away from our kiss and flipped us over, me back on top of him. “Not possible.” He said. I positioned myself on top of his cock and lowered onto him, making sure to take my time as he had with me.
We had already been at this for 3 hours and we had both had multiple orgasms. Neither of us wanted to stop but I was growing extremely tired. Not once did we fuck, just made love all night.

I woke up in his arms. I kissed his chest, waking him up. “I’m sorry to wake you.” I mumbled into his chest. “I love waking up to you. Don’t say sorry that that.” He said and kissed the top of my head. We stayed like that for a while until his phone rang.
He sighed and removed his arms from my body. I was instantly cool without his arms and snuggled into the covers more.
It was Corey on the phone. We had to meet at the funeral home to approve everything. We got ready and rode over there on Sid’s bike.

May 28, 2010 – Des Moines, Iowa
For the funeral, I wore a mid-length black dress with my leather jacket over it. “You look so handsome.” I said as Sid walked out, dressed in a black suit. I ran my hands down his chest and kissed his face where his tears ran down. “You’re the most beautiful woman in the world.” He said back, smiling to me the best he could.
I wiped away his tears, as he did to me as well. Hand in hand, we walked out and he lit a joint. He blew the smoke in my face and I breathed it in. I took the joint from his lips and took a deep hit from it, pulling his mouth to mine and exhaling into his mouth. He kissed me deeply for a few moments. Before we got wrapped up in each other for the 3rd time today, we separated and got onto his bike.

The funeral was hard. Everyone spoke kind words and Corey was supposed to play a song but he couldn’t keep his composure. I offered to do it instead, and he agreed. Overall, it was beautiful. After I finished the song, I put the guitar down to give my speech. I collected myself for a minute.
“So many people love Paul and he touched so many lives for the better. He really made us all who we are today. Corey and I were the first friends that he made, here.” I choked up, tears streaming down my face at this point. After a minute, I made myself continue.
“We’re all family, and that means Paul is my brother too. And I want each and every person here right now, to know that he loved you more than anything in the world. We’re never going to be the same from here, forward. But we have to keep marching. It’s what he would want. We have to stick together. Paul was always the one keeping us from killing each other. Keeping us all together. Now, it’s up to us. We gotta grow up now.”
I said and paused, looking over to Sid. I smiled warmly at him. “Remember: the most important thing in life will always be the people in this room. Right here, right now.” I finished and turned around to Paul’s casket. I placed the rose that was on the podium, on the top. I dropped my guitar pick in with him and walked back to my seat.