Circle of Fear

January, 2001 – Des Moines, Iowa
The past few years have been absolute hell. Something changed in all of us while we were in California. I can’t explain it – all I can say is that we’re all completely different people now. Sid and I are still together, and we may be the only ones who are speaking to each other at the moment. Corey and Shanna split up while Slipknot went on tour after releasing their album. I helped them shoot a few music videos in that time. Shawn also had the idea to put together all the shit we had recorded in that time and release a home movie. Everyone agreed to it, hoping it would somehow bring everyone back together. It worked, for a few months anyway.
I still lived with Corey for the time being. He hardly ever left his room and he refuses to talk to me. I could hear him crying sometimes and he would always start screaming in the middle of the night. My heart ached for him. This break up was really hurting him and I couldn’t help. Sid didn’t come over anymore. If I wanted to see him, I had to go to his place.
There had been talk of recording their second album soon and I was excited, but not at the same time. I padded quietly down the hallway and knocked on Corey’s door. There was no response for a few moments and I slid down onto the floor. “Corey. Dude, you can’t keep shutting me out. Just fucking talk to me.” I screamed, beyond pissed at his behavior.
He still didn’t say anything and I started banging my head against his door. Finally, he opened the door and I fell backwards. “Shit!” I exclaimed and jumped up. I pushed Corey backwards and ran into his room, shutting the door behind me. “You look like hell.” I said, reaching up to touch his face. He smacked my hand away and walked over to his desk, sitting down. He put his head back into his hands. I walked over and kneeled in front of him.
Placing my hands on top of his, I just sighed. We sat like that until my legs started to fall asleep. I removed my hands from his and walked over to his bed, sitting on it. He removed his hands from his face and turned his head to look at me. His once bright blue orbs were now dull and looked empty. My heart felt like it dropped to my stomach. I wanted him to just tell me something, anything.
Instead of talking, he rummaged through the papers on his desk, handing me a sheet. I looked at him in confusion and he shook the paper at me, wanting me to take it. I looked down at the scribble and tried to make out what it said.
Zero and zero is nothing but zero. Cancer and people conspire together. Running and running and going forever. Collected and sampled, starving for zero. Come see my cage; built in my grain. Minus the inside and minus the circle. Inhabit the riddle and fill in the hovel. Wherein and herein, between us and near us. Zero and zero is nothing but zero. Come see my cage; built-in migraine. Keeping myself alive through your empathy…
I finished reading it and I looked up at Corey, tears threatening to spill from my eyes. I got up and wrapped my arms around him tightly. Surprisingly he returned the hug and let out a sob. He pulled me to sit in his lap as he cried into my shoulder. I just kept my arms tightly wrapped around him, trying to provide comfort. Hours passed, and he stopped sobbing. He was just heavily breathing but he never removed his head from my shoulder. I didn’t know what to say or do to help. I just had to let him get it out on his own.
He finally looked up at me, tears dried on his face. His eyes almost looked grey. I chewed on the inside of my lip nervously. I stood up when his arms dropped from around me, straightening my shirt out. “I’m ready to record again” He said softly. I nodded and walked out, knowing what I had to do.

March, 2001 – Los Angeles, California
We came to LA to record Slipknot’s second album. All of the members had been writing so they all had something to share. Myself included. We were recording at Sound City and Sound Image Studios. During out very short break, no one really had time to rest or recuperate from the Slipknot album recording, touring and producing music videos. I didn’t see Sid very much at all in the past year. I felt that we were drifting apart and it was the worst feeling. I know from the bottom of my heart that I love him and I will do anything to make us work. I’m just not sure if he feels the same anymore.
The guys decided to name their second album Iowa. During the first week of recording, it seemed the whole band fell apart. Instead of recording as a band, only certain members would record at the same time. Corey refused to do anything with other members. He insisted on doing the vocals on his own.
One day, I walked in on something I wish I had never witnessed. I heard Corey’s voice from the hallway. I didn’t know he was recording anything today. I walked into the room and instantly froze when I saw him. Corey was sitting in the booth, puking, butt naked, holding a broken candle and cutting his arms. The candle was made of steel, not wax. I wanted to run in there and tell him he was crazy but I couldn’t. I simply listened to his cries and screams, watching him let all of his pain out.
I should have left, and I was greatly disturbed and even a little afraid. I felt a hand placed on my shoulder and jumped, screaming. I turned around to see Joey standing there. He looked scared. “Is he ok?” He whispered. I shrugged my shoulders and Joey drug me out of there. “Let’s go grab some lunch with the rest of the guys,” He said and I agreed.

Later that day, Corey seemed to be a little better and he actually spoke to everyone. He wanted us to hear his recording of the song, Iowa. We all sat down – most of us in the floor. I sat in Sid’s lap in a chair. Corey played the track and no one moved or said a word until it was over.
Relax... it's over. You belong to me. I fill your mouth with dirt. Relax... it's over. You can never leave. I take your second digit with me... love...
You are my first, I can barely breathe. I find you fascinating. You are my favorite, lay you down to sleep. It's all that I can do to stop... love...
So blue, so broken. Paper doll decays. I haven't left you yet. So cold, subversive. Your eyes are full of bleach. Tomorrow I will go away again... love...
At this point, we thought the lyrics were over as we could only hear him crying for a moment. But then he started mumbling. The only thing I could make out in all of it was ‘love’ and ‘oh God’ being repeated.
YOU ARE MINE, YOU WILL ALWAYS BE MINE. I CAN TEAR YOU APART – I CAN RECOMBINE YOU. ALL I WANT IS TO COVET YOU ALL. YOU BELONG TO ME. I WILL KILL YOU TO LOVE YOU!
After this, he completely lost his shit. Screaming at the top of his lungs. I made out ‘do you see?’ being repeated a few times... At the end of it all, he mumbled ‘you will live forever’.
We all just looked around to each other. Shawn was the first one to speak. “That’s perfect for this album.” Then stood up and walked into the booth. “You guys ready to put the music with it?” he asked through the mic.
Later that evening, Sid got a call about his grandfather. Sid walked into the room where all of us were sitting. “My grandfather is ill. I’ve got to go see him.” He said simply and began walking out. I got up and ran after him, ignoring the guys’ questions. I caught his arm in the hallway. “I’m coming with you.” I told him out of breath. He pulled me against him and we continued walking. We got a plane ticket and as we were boarding, he got another call.
As soon as he answered the phone my stomach churned. He dropped his phone and fell to the ground. I kneeled down, wrapping him in my arms. “Sid what is it?” I asked him. All he said was “He’s gone. I’m too late”

When we got back into the studio, Sid didn’t speak to anyone. He hadn’t said a word to me since we were at the airport. Sid went into the booth and started screaming. I had tears running down my face, feeling helpless. Corey wrapped me in a hug.
Would we even make it through this?

Shawn decided to use Sid’s screams in the album, too. He didn’t want to add any of the band’s music behind it. Sid mixed a few things and eventually, it became the song (515). Named after the Iowa area code.
In mid-April the recording for Iowa was finished. But not at a cheap cost. We hated each other. We hated the world; and the world hated us. This is a lot darker than the self-titled album. I was honestly afraid of going back home. I still had no money and no job. I couldn’t keep living with Corey forever. Although he never said it was a problem. We actually never discussed it.
The band was asked to do an interview about the album, which got a lot of people excited. They released 3 singles before the album was released in August. They were ‘Left Behind’, ‘My Plague’ and ‘The Heretic Anthem’. I gave out my review of the album during an interview with Alternative Press. The best way I could describe it was “It is like having a plastic bag taped over your head for an hour while Satan uses your scrotum as a speedbag. It’s over the top... You're going to be left in stitches.”

I had fallen into a deep depression. Slipknot was getting ready to go on a 5 month long tour for Iowa, and Corey asked me to go with them. I argued for a few days but he ended up packing bags for me and I had no choice. I hadn’t talked to Sid in a week, so seeing him was different. He almost seemed like a stranger to me until I was wrapped tightly in his arms. He kissed all over my face, earning a giggle from me. “I’ve missed you so fucking much baby doll.” He said in between kisses. “I missed you more.” I said, kissing his lips.
Sid and I would be sharing a bunk – no surprise there – for the tour. I was excited to be going on tour with these guys. I kept my camera with me. Recording a bunch of stupid shit they did, myself included, and took many pictures. A lot of them I’ll always keep to myself but the others, I decided to submit to the record label.

They offered me a job being a photographer for the band, which I happily accepted. We didn’t hate each other on this tour. There was still tension, but it was nowhere near as bad as the recording process. I was always backstage at their shows.

September, 2001 – 1 Month Into The Tour.
Tonight, they seemed to be more alive than ever. Sid kept looking over at me and running around the stage, dancing at times in between his cues. I blew him a kiss as he was running back at one point, and he did the same. After the show, Sid came running to me and picked me up. He spun me around then placed me back down. He took off his mask and kissed me deeply. My hands tangled in his hair and I didn’t have a care in the world that my face shared his grease paint. He pulled away and laughed at me. Then he picked me up, throwing me over his shoulder and running to the dressing room.
They had a signing after the show, and I just hung out in the dressing room while they were out there. It was nice just to hang out in the quiet for a few. I was starting to wonder what the rest of our lives would turn out to be. I shook the thoughts away from my head, not wanting to linger on the unknown.
After a while, the guys came back in the dressing room, saying it was time to go to the hotel. This was a show they would play for 2 nights so we would be in this town for a total of 4 days. When we were walking out, Sid was holding my hand tightly. A girl who was dressed in a black mini skirt with fishnets and only a bra ran up to us.
“Holy shit you’re Slipknot! I’ve never seen you unmasked before. Can I get your autograph? I missed the fucking signing earlier!” She rambled, shoving a cd in Mick’s face. He nodded and signed it, after grabbing a sharpie from Craig. They passed it around the members, Sid being last. He dropped my hand to sign it, asking for her name. “Britni! Spelt B-R-I-T-N-I!” She said at a high pitch. I mentally rolled my eyes. She poked her chest out as Sid handed the cd back to her and started to pass the sharpie back to Craig.
“So can I come back to the tour bus with you guys? Or wherever it is you go..” She stated rather than asked, staring straight at Sid. I crossed my arms, patiently and quietly waiting for an answer. Sid just wrapped his arm around my shoulders and looked away from her.
“Uh. What the hell? Come on!” Corey exclaimed as he walked over to her and threw his arm around her waist. She started to cry and laugh at the same time. “This is the best night of my life! I love you guys!” She screamed. I looked to Sid and rolled my eyes. He chuckled softly and we continued our way to the bus.
The whole way there, that bitch Britni kept eye fucking my boyfriend. I didn’t cause a scene because I didn’t feel like fighting tonight. I glanced over to Sid at one point and saw him grinning back at her. I scoffed, a little too loud and everyone turned their heads toward me. I just laughed like a maniac. “Fuck this shit.” I said angrily. I grabbed Sid’s face and kissed him roughly. I shoved my tongue into his mouth and wrapped my hand around the front of his throat, squeezing a bit. He grabbed a handful of my hair and kissed me back just as rough.
I heard the guys whistling and cheering us on. I smirked into the kiss. I sucked his bottom lip into my mouth and bit down on it, dragging my teeth until his lip was no longer in my grasp and looked up at him. I could see the desire burning in his blue eyes. I placed my hand on his crotch and looked over at Britni, who seemed to be seething.
I laughed again and removed my hand from Sid, placing it back in my lap. He pouted and laced his fingers with mine. He buried his face in my neck, placing kisses and bites all over. I bit my bottom lip to hold back a moan and closed my eyes. “So who is she, his groupie whore?” I heard Britni ask and in an instant I tried to jump on her. At that moment, the bus made a sharp turn and instead, I ended up in Corey’s lap. He grunted as I did, and tried to catch me from falling over. Chris had grabbed Britni’s arms and I looked at Craig who was waving me down. He pointed to Sid and I sighed angrily. I moved back to my seat and put my head against the metal, shutting my eyes and trying to think happy thoughts. Sid put his arm around me and rubbed me shoulder.
We finally made it back to the hotel and I dashed up to my room, slamming the door. Sid came up a moment later and went straight to the bathroom. I heard him yell for me to get my ass in there, so I did.
He kissed me roughly as we tore each other’s clothes off. He turned on the hot water to the shower and we climbed in. In an instant he picked me up and slammed me against the wall of the shower. I wrapped my legs around him and he bit my neck, hard. I moaned loudly and he positioned himself and entered me fully in one swift thrust. We both moaned loudly and he engulfed my mouth into his. His thrusts were fast and rough, merely fucking me senseless. Our moans got louder as we moved against each other, growing close to our climax. I ran my nails down his chest and he returned to kissing me roughly. He grabbed my ass as he fucked me and smacked it a few times. Screaming his name, I came hard. He followed a few thrusts later and pulled out, setting me down gently. He kissed me again, gently this time. “I love you.” I said to him. He grinned goofily at me. “I love you too, now clean yourself up,” He said as he smacked my ass again.
I gave him my best fake glare which only made him laugh and I grabbed the soap. “Damn babe. You got a fine ass.” I heard him say. I looked at him to see his head sideways, biting his bottom lip. “Better watch yourself, Wilson.” I said and grabbed his cock. He jerked against my hand involuntarily. I kissed his chest. “I’m not done with you yet,” I said in between my kisses.
We finished in the shower and I pushed him down onto the bed, not letting him get dressed. I kissed down his chest and took his hardening erection into my mouth. He moaned my name and tangled my hair in his hands. I swirled my tongue around as I took him into my mouth, deep throating to have his entire length in my mouth. The noises that he was making were turning me on so much that I reached down and started fingering myself. I looked up at Sid and saw him staring at me with his mouth open. The look in his eyes pure lust. “I love it when you look at me with my cock in your mouth,” He said and bit his lip. I winked at him and continued.
“Fuck, baby. I’m gonna cum.” He hissed. I kept at it until my mouth was filled with his seed. I swallowed all of it and was pulled up to his face by my hair. He kissed me on the lips and threw me down onto my back, and went down on me. I arched my back and moaned against his perfect mouth. I constantly moaned his name and every obscenity in my vocabulary. As his tongue sped up circling around my clit, I lost myself and came harder than ever before. I bit my lip so hard that I drew blood. He brought his face up to mine and kissed me, getting blood onto his own lips. He smiled to me wickedly. “Did you enjoy that Ash?” He asked.
I pulled his face to mine as my reply. Our tongues danced with each other, fighting for dominance. I flipped us so that he was on his back and laid down beside him. We cuddled to each other, falling asleep almost immediately.

The next day, Sid and I just stayed in our room fucking around until they had to go get ready for the final show here. I decided to stay here tonight and rest. I was completely exhausted from the previous night and early this afternoon. My heart fluttered when Sid kissed me. “Have fun today baby doll.” He said as he walked out. I nodded and watched him leave. I wanted to work on my unfinished drawings.
I didn’t expect them to be back before midnight and by 1 am I had gotten comfy in bed waiting for Sid. I heard commotion outside a few minutes later and my heart started beating crazily fast.
The place grew eerily quiet after a few moments and I was still alone. I frowned a little and rolled over. My mind started racing. Maybe they’re just hanging out in the bar downstairs or something. I decided not to think about it. I got up and pulled on a random pair of jeans. I put my bra back on and just grabbed a random hoodie that was thrown on the back of a chair.
I grabbed my room key and walked out into the hallway. Looking around, I didn’t see anyone. I got into the elevator to go down to the bar. I figured 9 men after the show would probably go to the bar to drink. How right I ended up being.. the first person I saw was Joey. He had a very pretty girl sitting next to him, with his hand placed on her thigh. They seemed to be in deep conversation. I smiled to myself, Joey deserves a good girl in his life. They all do, actually. I shook the though from my head and remembered my purpose here. “Can I get you a drink?” I heard from behind me. I turned around and came to face Jim’s chest. I looked up at him and saw a goofy grin on his face. I raised my eyebrow at him and chuckled. “Yea, sure.” I said to him and we approached the bar. I nodded to Joey to say hey and he did the same. I winked at the girl who was with him, who turned to see who he was acknowledging. She blushed and turned her attention back to Joey.
“So how are things with you and Mr. 0?” Jim asked casually after we ordered our drinks. I nodded, sipping from my glass. “Good, I guess. At least, it seemed good earlier today.” I said, with heat rushing to my face. “Damn, if thinking about it makes you blush I don’t even want to know.” He said, raising his glass to his mouth. I laughed nervously.
Jim turned around to look out at the people and Corey approached us looking concerned. “Hey, Ashlee.. Jim.” He said, rubbing the back of his neck. We both greeted him. “Ashlee, can I talk to you for a minute, privately?” Corey asked. I nodded and Jim walked off. “Sup?” I asked him with curiosity in my voice. While waiting for his answer, I downed the rest of my drink in one swallow and put the glass back on the bar. I turned back to face Corey and his face was full of worry. The smirk left my face immediately.
He sighed heavily. “I can’t say it. Just… look over there.” He said and pointed behind him. My eyes scanned the people for what he wanted me to see. When my eyes landed on Sid, my heart fell to my stomach. My breathing hitched and I had to grab onto Corey’s shoulder for support because my knees gave out.
Sid had that Britni bitch all over him, shoving his tongue down his throat and rubbing his hands all over her body. I felt sick. Corey was talking but I couldn’t make out what he was seeing. All of the events of yesterday ran through my mind at once. Corey grabbed my face in his hands and yelled something in my face. My eyes never met his – I was staring straight through him. All I could see was that image in my mind.
In a moment, I snapped. I pushed Corey away from me and heard him yelling. I took a few swift steps to the other side of the bar. when I approached the two, hate and anger were pulsing through me. I pushed away the hurt. No tears spilled from my eyes in that moment. I grabbed Sid by the back of his shirt and pulled so hard that the fabric ripped a little. He looked at me shocked, and Britni just smirked up at me. Sid immediately started spitting bullshit at me, and I punched him in the nose.
I turned my attention to Britni, whose eyes were now wide open with fear. I grinned evilly at her and grabbed her throat. I held her in place like that as I punched her repeatedly. She threw her hands up to try to defend herself but I had completely snapped by this point. I let go of her throat and grabbed her hand that she was shoving in my face. I bent it back until I heard it snap. She had blood running down her face and she screamed in agony. She reached up with her other hand and started scratching and slapping at my face. I just laughed even harder at her.
The whole scene couldn’t have taken more than 20 seconds but I felt a pair of arms grab me and pull me back. As I was lifted, the slut jumped up and tried to attack me. I threw my foot up and kicked her as hard as I could in her chest. It knocked the wind out of her, and she fell to the floor holding her chest and crying.
I saw that the pair of arms holding me were Sid’s and I elbowed him in the ribs, making him let go. I was out of breath and I stepped away from the two of them. I wiped the sweat and blood from my lip and looked down at my hand. I laughed again and pointed back and forth between them.
“Next time you cross me, there will be a fucking funeral.” I said and walked away. I walked through all the guys who were in pure shock, pushing their arms away from me and walking out into the lobby of the hotel. People were looking at me as if I just killed someone. I looked at the receptionist and said flatly, “You should get an ambulance here. That bitch needs help.” I laughed and walked out of the hotel, onto the street. I pulled the small baggy from my pants pocket and sat down on a curb. I rolled the joint and placed it in between my lips, lighting it and breathing in deeply.
My brain was processing thoughts faster than I could keep up right now. Still being fueled by anger, I stood up and started walking again. I heard footsteps running up behind me and I stopped walking. As soon as they started to slow behind me I turned around and raised my fist, ready to beat the shit out of my predator. I saw it was Corey and lowered my arm. “Shit, Ashlee! What the fuck was that?” He asked, out of breath.
I only shook my head and started walking again. He grabbed my hand and pulled me into his embrace. That’s when I lost it. The hurt, anger and pain hit me like a gunshot. I gasped and tried to breathe. Everything went foggy and I got extremely dizzy. My knees gave away again and I heard Corey asking if I was okay and what was wrong, but I couldn’t speak. I was having an anxiety attack. Corey sat down on the sidewalk and I shakily sat beside him, still trying to regulate my breathing. I put my head in my hands, resting my elbows on top of my knees. Corey placed his hands on my back and rubbed it gently.
When I was able to breathe again, that’s when the tears came. Corey picked me up bridal style and carried me back to the hotel. I was too weak to fight him. He went into his room and sat me on the bed. “I’m gonna go get your stuff, ok? You’re staying with me.” He said as he bent down and pushed my hair out of my face. I just stared at the wall with tears flowing down my face. He sighed loudly and left the room.
I got off of the bed and went into the bathroom. I looked at my reflection and felt sick. I look like a fucking wreck. I stared at myself for a few more moments and then I screamed, losing myself again. I threw my arm up and punched the mirror, shattering it into a million pieces. I continued to scream and hit everything around me.
I heard the door open and Corey ran into the bathroom, freaking out at the sight of the blood dripping from my hands and pieces of the mirror stuck in my flesh. He grabbed my arms to make me stop and I fell against his chest, sobbing. He pulled me in closer and said he was taking me to the hospital. I tried to argue but it’s impossible to argue with Corey.
We got into the hallway where I heard screaming. Sid was standing by the elevator with Joey, who were screaming at each other. Joey stopped talking when he saw me and Corey and his mouth fell open. Sid turned around and when his eyes met my gaze, I spit to the floor and snarled at him. I felt like a bull seeing red. His face fell into a frown and tears fell from his eyes. He reached out to me and Corey told him to back off. Corey was still holding my arms still as we walked. Sid looked down to my hands and started saying sorry over and over. “You don’t get to fucking say you’re sorry. I’m the one who’s fucking sorry. I’m sorry I ever fucking trusted you.” I said hatefully to him. I hate myself in this moment, knowing I’m not good enough and that I never will be.
Corey stepped into the elevator with me, letting go of my arms and pulling me into a hug. I stood there with my arms hanging by my sides. I made no effort to hug him back. I looked at the floor and saw blood still dripping from my hands. I laughed again, sounding like a crazy person. I guess that’s what I’ve become…