Circle of Fear

February, 2007 – Waterloo, Iowa
I halfway pursued the music scene. I just love to write and perform. Ever since the first time I went on stage with Slipknot, I fell in love. I didn’t know that Corey and Jim were in town with Stone sour.
I was performing solo in a local bar tonight. I heard a lot of talk about another pair performing later but didn’t pay much attention. There’s always someone different in here.
“Good evening, lovelies.” I called over the crowd. I was greeted with whistles and ‘yeah!’s. I smiled out into the crowd. “I’ve gotta warn you. I play some sad shit. Because I am a sad, sad, woman. So don’t give me any grief!” I said to them. I didn’t get any ‘boo’s from them, which was a plus. Many people took out their cameras to record my performance.
I grabbed my acoustic guitar and started strumming my song. I cleared my throat and looked out over the crowd.

Some things are better off forgotten. We bury them in places that we really only visit by ourselves. Oh, and you were a version like no other. Oh, they never tell you what to do when all you see is gone. What’s the sense in anything when what they say is wrong? Stop me – I find myself believing… a story gets rewritten so blasphemy’s committed once again. Oh, and you were so perfectly imperfect. Oh, they never tell you what to do when all you have are lies. What’s the sense in anything? It’s just one more goodbye.
I took a deep breath, strumming the chords with all I had in me. I scanned over the crowd again before my eyes fell upon an all to familiar pair of blue ones – Corey. Our gazes locked for a moment and I saw Jim beside him. Jim was on the phone and holding a camera up with his other hand. They must be playing for Stone Sour tonight. I sighed and closed my eyes again, trying to keep my composure.
Oh, what do you wanna hear? Do you wanna know how many times I tore myself apart cause you’re not here? I sang loudly, with so much emotion I felt like I was going to explode. Oh, what do you wanna know? Does it make you feel alive? I had to die to finally let you go! Finally let you go!
Imperfect – Stone Sour

I ended the song completely out of breath. I looked and saw Jim still with the phone to his ear. I tried to read his lips but I couldn’t. My eyes moved over to Corey who gave me a thumbs up. I smirked and flipped him off.
I took a drink of my water and thanked the crowd before I played my last song.

This fear, that clouds my mind… this fear that just won’t die. Blacked out this world. Nothing’s pure – nothing’s real. Oh, I’m just bidding my time ‘til I wave goodbye. If I could, you know I’d die. The final rest, just one big lie. This trip that’s broke my back – my death is war. It’s where I’m at. Oh, I’m just bidding my time ‘til I wave goodbye. ‘til I wave goodbye…
I finished singing, and played the 2 minute solo that ended the song.
Layne – Black Label Society

I got off the stage and went to grab my purse from the small storage area around the back. “Hey, stranger” I heard Corey’s voice from the entry. I jumped in surprise. I waved at him and continued my hunt through my purse. “Whatcha looking for?” He asked as he approached me.
I pulled out a medium sized tin box and told him to shut up. I went over behind a big speaker and sat on the ground. I opened my box and sighed with relief.
“Heroin?! Are you fucking SERIOUS?” Corey exclaimed. I jumped again and smacked his leg. “Didn’t I tell you to shut the FUCK up?” I said in a loud whisper. “Fuck off. I don’t need anyone’s help.” I hissed to him. He was about to argue when Jim called for him.
“We are not done here.” Corey said, pointing to me. I laughed. He has no idea just how done we really are. I plunged the needle into my arm and pushed the fluid into my veins.
I slumped against the speaker for a moment, sweet relief finally taking over and numbing my pain. I pulled my sleeve back down after I closed my box. I stood up slowly and put my things back into my purse. I grabbed my pack of cigarettes and my lighter. I put on my leather jacket, collected my things and walked out the side door without Corey or Jim seeing me.
As I stepped into the cold night air I breathed in the scent. I lit my cigarette and called Shanna. “Hey babe. Look, Corey and Jim are here doing Stone Sour shit. They’re performing but I’m outside. They saw me and I freaked out and ran. Hurry.” I said before she had a chance to answer all the way and flipped my phone shut. I stuffed it back into my jacket pocket and continued looking around to make sure no one was watching or approaching me.
It’s like Kurt Cobain once said – “Just because you’re paranoid don’t mean they’re not after you”
And right now I have a pretty good feeling that someone’s after me.

* Jim’s Point Of View *
Corey and I were going all around Iowa doing some acoustic shows for Stone Sour. Some of it was covers of other bands, but mostly our stuff. We were at a bar in Waterloo tonight. When we arrived and went inside, I heard a familiar voice. I looked up at the stage and had to do a double take. Ashlee! She disappeared from Des Moines when we got back from California.
She talked about it but none of us expected her to leave without saying goodbye. It really fucked Corey up. They lived together for fucking years. Over a decade.
I nudged Corey, and he looked up to see her too. “Son of a bitch.” He said. We stood in the crowd and I immediately called Clown. “Dude, Ashlee’s in Waterloo.” I told him quickly. He asked a ton of questions that I don’t have answers to yet. “Tell everyone else.” I told him and he agreed. “You’re calling Sid, though.” He retorted and hung up.
“I gotta call Sid.” I told Corey. He nodded and told me to record her performance and handed me his camera. “I’m on the phone – you do it!” I told him but he ignored me. I let out a frustrated sigh.
I powered on the camera and made sure it was recording her then dialed Sid’s number. Thankfully he answered. “I found Ashlee.” I said as soon as he did. “What? Where? Is she ok?” He asked frantically. “Yeah man. She’s in Waterloo, performing in the same bar as us.” I told him. “Let me hear her..” he said. I turned the phone away from my ear so he could hear her sing.
It was pretty funny timing because the lyrics flowing from her lips seemed to be for Sid. I brought the phone back to my ear. “I’ll get answers before we leave tonight, man.” I promised. “Tell her that I love her.” He said. I sighed, “I will.” And I ended the call.
We watched the rest of her performance and she walked around the back of the stage. “I’m gonna go talk to her. Let me know when we’re set up.” Corey said, taking off. I threw my hands up in frustration. Anybody else think to consider my feelings? I mean goddamn. She up and left without telling anyone goodbye. No one even knew if she was alive. We’ve all been sick with worry and here she is, less than 2 hours away from our home.
We all tried calling her and it never went straight to her voicemail or cut off so she must still have the same phone number. That means she doesn’t want to talk to any of us. That really stings, because she did get fucked over. But for the ones who never hurt her to be betrayed this way, wasn’t right. And we deserve answers. Tonight.

* Ashlee’s Point Of View *
I hopped into Shanna’s car and she sped off like a bat out of hell. She asked for details on what happened and I tried explaining it to her. I was having trouble because sleepiness was overwhelming me. “Are you fucking high again?” Shanna asked me sternly. I nodded to her, a sly smile on my face.
“It’s the only thing that helps with my-“ I pointed to my head and gave her a thumbs up, still fighting the sleep that was threatening to consume me.