Let's Pretend It's Love

Harry and I fucked.

It was just that, plain and simple.

We fucked.

That’s all there was to it. All there should have been.

But it wasn’t.

This wasn’t just casual sex. It was casual friendship sex. Causal, slow, passionate, toe curling friendship sex.

I tried so hard to treat it like it was just the average fling, keeping my routine of leaving in the morning and not bothering to call. I’d tried to convince myself that it wasn’t the best sexual encounter I’d had in my lifetime and that I hadn’t gone and completely screwed things up but I knew I’d only be lying to myself.

Everything happened so fast.

One moment I’m having a panic attack on the side of the road and the next we’re tangled in his sheets, limbs and other anatomy. I’d been far too vulnerable and I couldn’t handle the emotions. I had to leave. I had to end everything before it got out of hand.

It’d been nearly a week since that night and I’d been completely on edge. Even the knowledge of an upcoming birthday at the end of the week wasn’t any consolation to the crippling anxiety I felt. Nonetheless I’d never been the type to get excited about my birthday, mainly because I always had to share it. It’d never just been my day, it was always “PennyandPresley’s birthday”. As small children Penny and I got to choose one cake and got nearly identical presents. As we grew older however, birthdays soon became a game of which child was the favored twin. In the end it was always obvious who won. Once I’d turned eighteen, birthdays were no longer the stuffs of candles and horns but just merely a reminder of how much I was failing at adulthood and how much closer I was to 30. Fun stuff.

If I were a normal twenty-five-and- half year old, I’d probably be ringing in my twenty-sixth birthday at a pub, surrounded by friends and family or dinning out with a significant other. Since normal and I usually don’t appear in the same sentence, I am at home in my usual habitat, snuggled under my duvet with Ollie and watching a long murder documentary, even though I’m due to turn up at work in a few hours. I’ve long lost the plot of the murder however because I’m too busy drafting a long, thought out text message to Harry.

It’s been nearly a week and a single word hasn’t been spoken between us.

The minuet it was over, I knew I’d probably avoid talking about it but somehow I expected more from Harry. I’d expected him to text me the morning after, call to see if I’d gotten home safely once he woke up and realized I was gone, ask for his Rolling Stones t-shirt back or at least ask me how my week was going but he’d done none of that. Maybe he was swamped with work and didn’t have time to talk. Maybe he wasn’t freaking out about it as much as I was and had gotten the memo that things were over. Or maybe it wasn’t such a big deal to him and he was reveling in virile post-sex glory, waiting for me to call him up begging for more. Maybe he’d gotten exactly what he was after in the first place.

Whatever the case may be, it didn’t matter anyway. Whatever we had going between us is done. No need in wasting time worrying about something that was never real to begin with. Feeling the sleep burn my eyes, I deleted every word in my draft, right down to the period before tossing my mobile on a vacant pillow. With a yawn shut down my laptop and turned on my side, hoping sleep would find me and take all these feelings with it.

By the time morning arrived, I’d nearly forgotten about my birthday. I’d planned to go about the rest of my day in secrecy, milling around as if it were just an average day but even on your birthday things don’t always go as planned. When I arrived at the shop there was a huge cinnamon roll sitting behind the counter on my stool. I knew exactly who the culprit was. Despite the awkwardness that had been looming between us, I couldn’t help the smile that tugged at the corner of my lips.

“Jessa! What have you done?” I called, shrugging out of my coat.

“What are you talking about?” she questioned innocently, emerging from the break room with a cup of coffee in head, Murray following close behind.

I grinned.

“You know what I mean, Jess.”

A big smile consumed her features as she sat her cup on the counter.

“I know you didn’t want me to do anything but I couldn’t help it.It’s my best friend’s birthday!” she exclaimed happily.

My stomach dipped in guilt and Murray sends me a haughty glance. I’ve full aware of the terrible friend I’ve been within the past few months and even more aware of how undeserving I am of Jessa’s kindness. But instead of choosing to wallow in guilt for the rest of the day I shrug it off. I shouldn’t let my stupid escapades with a guy I wasn’t even romantically involved with ruin my friendship.

When Harry finally was gone Jess would still be there. Sisters before misters, right?

I smile shyly, tearing away at the plastic wrapping.

“You didn’t have to.” I replied.

She shook her head, causing her ringlets to bounce.

“Nonsense,” she grabbed a stool, plopping down next to me. “so, feeling twenty-six?”

I groaned, taking a bite of cinnamon roll before speaking.

“No. It’s just another year for people to ask me if I’m pregnant and when I’m going to get married.” I sighed.

Jessa laughed.

“We’re gonna get you married off one of these days, Presley Anne.”

My nose crinkled at the thought.

“Never. Men are stupid.” I replied before continuing to stuff my face.

Even if they do have gorgeous green eyes and dimples and are great in bed.

“I can’t refute that.” Jess tapped her manicured fingers against the counter. “so, I’m making you get out of the house tonight. It’s your birthday!”

“Already ahead of you. Penny and I are going out for drinks tonight. You should come. Don’t be surprised if Liam tags along. They act more like twins than me and her.”

She grinned. “Aww, I haven’t seen Liam since you two were an item back in uni.”

I groaned.

“We were not an item! It was just a fling. And if you bring that up Penny will cut you. Nobody ever talks about it.” I replied matter-of -factly.

Jessa held up her hands in defense.

“Jesus. I’ll be there. Might be running late put I’ll be there.”

“Good.”

I was actually happy about the idea of hanging out with Jessa again as all my time seemed to be consumed by someone else. I just needed to steer clear of any Harry related conversation.

Jessa stood up from her stool, grabbing her coffee mug from the counter to retreat to her office. I brushed the crumbs off my fingers when an idea popped in head.

“Hey, Jess.” I called.

She spun on her heel.

“Yeah?”

I bit the corner of my lip.

“Did anything come in for me this morning?” I questioned.

Jessa kinked a brow.

“No. Why?”

I sighed.

“It’s nothing.”

All of it was nothing.

******

As the day trudged on I was secretly looking forward to going out tonight. It would be nice to let of some steam and have a little fun. Work consisted of a brief financial meeting, being open for a few hours and then closing shop for the rest of the day. I’d spent most of the afternoon window shopping and picking up something for Penny . When evening finally arrived I made an extra effort to doll myself up, making sure to get my make-up just right and throwing together a killer outfit that consisted of a pair of sexy thigh-high boots.

It was my birthday and I was determined to make it a good one.

“Damn,” Penny announced upon my arrival. She brought the straw of her mojito to her lips. “are you looking to snag another man or what?”

I shrugged, making myself comfortable on the barstool.

“It’s my birthday,” I quipped.

Penny took a long sip of her drink before letting out a sigh.

“Mine too, but I reckon I can’t look as fit since I’m practically married.” she replied.

I grinned. “I’m practically completely covered. I’ve got on bloody stockings.”

She sat her glass on the bar counter.

“What are you having?”

I bit the corner of my lip.

“Fishbowl!”

I reached over and snatched a few chips from the pile on Penny’s plate. When my drink was finished Penny had ordered a new mojito.

“We have to toast!” she exclaimed raising her glass in the air.

I groaned.

“Fine.”

I raise my glass to meet hers.

“To being twenty-six and to being the hottest bitches in London.”

I grinned.

“Word.”

We clank our glasses together before taking a sip.

“So good.” I mumbled.

“So, where’s my present?” Penny announced letting her straw fall back into her drink.

I sat down my drink to rummage through my hand bag before retrieving the wrapped present and sitting it on the bar top.

“And mine?” I questioned.

Penny grinned before reaching in the seat beside her, holding up a large box and sitting it next to smaller one. We both grabbed our perspective gifts, tearing at the wrapping paper.

“It beautiful!” Penny exclaimed, gaping at the crystal jewelry box.

I smiled.

“It’s for your wedding bands and all the jewelry LiLi gets you.” I explained.

“Go on and open yours!” Penny instructed with an encouraging grin.

I’d already torn at most of the wrapping paper and was greeted with a creme colored box. I tore at the taped sides and lifted the lid of the box. My eyes were met the prettiest shade of baby blue and I lifted the lacey fabric from the box.

“It’s so pretty,” I declared eyeing the dainty looking bustier that probably cost a good chunk of my pay check. “but why?”

I’d never known sisters to get each other lingerie. Especially for their birthday.

Her lips curled into a devious grin.

“Oh, Presley. Sweet, little innocent Presley.”

“What?” I snapped, obviously not getting the idea.

“Just because it’s your birthday doesn’t mean you’re the only one who gets a gift. It’s for you to wear and for Harry to take off.”

I nearly choked on my straw and I fought hard to fight the blush burning on my cheeks.

“Don’t be embarrassed, Pres! All normal adult couples have birthday sex. Why would Harry wanna have cake when he could be eating your-”

“I get the idea, Pen. Thanks.” I mumbled.

I was debating on wether or not I should tell Penny I’d gotten an early birthday present of the sexual variety from Harry the previous weekend just to shut her up. Considering the circumstances I’d rather not.

“Oh, don’t mind me, I’m just trying to move your sex life along!” she groaned.

It had moved along, alright. Like a thief in the night.

“We’ll do it when we’re ready, okay? Who knows, maybe tonight will be the night.” I lied.

Penny rolled her eyes.

“The poor bloke’s balls are probably blue! Bone him already! ”

I rolled my eyes. If only Penny knew. In a few days the whole family would know about Harry and I’s “break-up”.

“There are my birthday girls!” Liam exclaimed as he approached us.

I quickly boxed up the bra and panty set, tossing the box on the barstool beside me.

“Baby!” Penny jumped from her barstool, attacking her soon to be husband with kisses.

Once they’d finally pulled away Liam enveloped me in a hug.

“Happy birthday!” he exclaimed.

I giggled.

“Thanks Leeyum.”

He wedged himself between Penny and I and eyed our drinks suspiciously.

“It’s your birthdays and you’re drinking that? Where’s the bacardi?”

I rolled my eyes.

“Last time I checked none of us were 50 Cent.”

Liam smirked, nudging my shoulder.

“Solid reference.”

“Did someone say bacardi?”

I frozen upon hearing the voice. Part of my was happy that after blowing me off for so many days he bothered to show up. The vast majority of me wanted to either curl up in a hole and die or punch him in his beautiful face. I was leaning toward the latter two.

“You heard right, mate. Join the party.” Liam replied.

I spun around in my chair to get an eye full of him. He’s unfairly beautiful in this almost sheer black button up, curls cascading down his shoulders gracefully.The lack of buttons gives me a peak of the swallows tattooed below his clavicle and the tiniest glance of his butterfly. My face feels hot thinking about how I’d kissed every inch of ink on his body, how his the butterfly etched on his abdomen had been pressed against my own, how his eyebrows furrowed when he couldn’t contain himself, how his hair looked an absolute mess when we were finished.

It’s a fact: Guys are 500% more attractive once you’ve banged them.

He catches sight of me and his lips curve up into the lopsided grin I love so much. I can’t decide if I should be angry or happy to see him.

Harry saunters over to my stool, hands stuffed in his coat pocket.

“Hey.” he smirks.

“Hi.”

He leans down, pressing a kiss to my mouth, somehow extinguishing the unspoken angst between us two. I tug at his button lip before pulling away and he he presses another kiss to my temple.

“Happy birthday, love.”

I smile, reaching out to wipe the lipstick stain below his bottom lip.

“Thanks for coming.” I spoke softly.

“Hey, can you two save all that for later!” Penny barks.

We pull apart and Harry chuckles.

“You and Liam do it all the time. Don’t be a hypocrite.” he quips.

I giggle, moving the box containing Penny’s racey birthday present so that Harry can sit. I can’t help but feel a bit nervous, considering the fact that we haven’t talked for nearly a week and the last time we were together the only sounds between us were animalistic grunts.

“You’re a cougar.” he announces, placing his hand on top of mine once he’s gotten comfortable on his stool.

I kink a brow.

“What?” I question, hoping it didn’t come out too sharp.

“You’re older than me. Makes you a cougar.”

I smirk.

“I forgot. You’re a February baby.”

He grins, a dimple denting his cheek.

“I’d go for an older woman,” his winks.

I bring my straw to my lips, staring at the way his hand sits on top of mine.

“So, how’s your week been?” I asked just loud enough for the both of us to hear.

He sighed running a hand through his hair.

“Great. It’s been uh, great.”

The corner of his lips turn down into a frown and I can’t quite read the change in his expression.

“Mate!” Liam shouted down at Harry. “I ordered shots. Get in!”

Harry grinned as Liam slid the tray in his direction. I couldn’t help but think how different things would be once I “broke it off” with Harry tonight. No more double dates with Penny and Liam, no more Liam and Harry friendship, no more embarrassing yet strangely entertaining sex talk with Penny.

No more pretending.

The night eased along with more shots . I’d downed another fishbowl but was only buzzed and could still normally function. Liam had drank enough to slip into a coma much to practically sober Penny’s dismay and Harry was nearly himself but extremely handsy. I was surprised he hadn’t left yet but I didn’t mind. I was enjoying his company.

“Do ya wanna leave? ” he drawls in the shell of my ear, palm running absent mindedly over my thigh. “maybe come back to my place for a bit.”

I’d traded in my barstool for a seat on his lap and I squirmed uncomfortably, biting the corner of my lip.

“Can we go outside for a minuet? We have to talk.”

“Yeah.”

I climb down from the barstool, taking Harry’s hand before leading him out the doors of the pub. The cold hits my bare shoulders as I’ve left my coat inside. I wrap my arms around my shoulders and lean against the brick wall propping a foot up to keep my balance. Harry moves closer, placing a hand on the wall.

“Want my coat?” he asks.

I shake my head, deciding that I can be bothered with the cold for just a few minuets.

“It’s over, Harry.” I blurt, tucking my bottom lip between my teeth.

The words loom in the air and he stares down at me with furrowed brows.

“What do you mean?”

“It’s over,” I repeat. “this whole girlfriend and boyfriend thing is over. It can’t work anymore. I’m breaking up with you.”

“Hypothetically?” he questions, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

“Yes. Hypothetically.” I reply.

Harry grows silent, staring down at his boots and my chest suddenly feels a bit lighter.

“It was fun while it lasted, yeah?”

The corner of my lips curve into a smile.

“Yeah. We had some good times, didn’t we?”

He sighs, there’s something different about his eyes. Something that one too many shots just doesn’t do.

“Yeah.”

I don’t know what to do or say next. I want to laugh it off and pull him in for a kiss but I kind of feel as if I should go inside, get my things and call it a night. Instead I stand there.

“You didn’t call.”

The words tasted like venom in my mouth and I realize just how angry I’d been.

He runs a hand through his hair, blinking at me through hypnotizing green eyes.

“You left me. I woke up and you weren’t there.”

His tone is dark, equally as angry and his breath comes out in icy puffs.

I sighed, staring down at the stained pavement under my feet.

“You got what you wanted, right? Why should it matter.” I spat

He scoffs.

“That’s not fair, Presley. I care about you. You’re not some casualty to me.”

A lump forms in my throat and I can’t seem to get rid of it. He cares. He’s not supposed to.

“It was a mistake. That whole night was a mistake.”

The words have been unleashed from their cage and I know I’ve succeeded at hurting his ego. His lips purse into a thin line.

“You regret it?” he questions, his voice deep.

“Not entirely,” I swipe my tongue against my bottom lip “ but it shouldn’t have happened. You know they’ll never be anything between us.”

I say the words softly, almost in a whisper. Harry’s expression changes. It’s not angry or vexed and maybe not even sad.

“I’ll never be good enough? Will I?”

The words sting coming out of mouth, like the nick of a razor blade. My stomach sinks and I suddenly feel like a real bitch.

All hail, Presley Taylor, Queen Bitch.

I reach out, pressing a hand to his shoulder.

“No, Harry. You’re not good enough. You’re more than good enough.” I assure, somehow trying to do damage control.

He laughs, but not the joyful kind that makes him throw back his head, not the kind that makes the corner of his eyes crinkle. It’s lifeless and bitter.

“Like that’s supposed to make me feel better? Give me the motivation to keep sitting ‘round and waiting for you, yeah?”

I bite down hard on my bottom lip.

“Harry,” I reach out to push the fallen curls away from his face. “you’ll always have me. We’re friends, right?”

He stares at me, piercing my soul with those emerald eyes.

“No. We’re not.”

He then leans down, pressing a kiss to my forehead.

“I don’t wanna ruin your birthday talkin’ about this. We’ll talk later.” he announces once he’s pulled away.

He reaches into his coat pocket, retrieving a small black box before shoving it into my hands.

“Please take it. Don’t care what you do with it. Just take it.”

He’s gone but I can barely see him through the cloud of tears in my eyes. The small box feels like it weighs a ton in my hands and I feel absolutely wretched.

“So, you and Harry, huh?” A voice snaps, breaking my moment of devastation.

I blink back my tears only to be met with the sight of Jessa standing on the pavement a few inches away. She’s clutching her purse for dear life and her pretty face holds the meanest scowl I’ve ever seen.

My heart sinks further into my chest when I realize I’d completely forgotten Jessa was coming tonight. Didn’t she make perfect time?

My eyebrows furrow.

“Jess,” I speak, trying hard to keep my voice from shaking. “it’s not what it looks like.”

She scoffed.

“I’m not stupid, Presley. I should’ve known. 'Go for it', yeah? Did you tell me that before or after you two started fucking?”

The tone in her voice was sharper than I’d ever heard her speak.

“Jessa, It’s not like that between us!” I shouted.

Things were far more complex than Jessa thought.

“You’re incredibly selfish, Presley. You just use everyone around you as a tool to get what you want.”

Ouch. How much higher on the bitch scale can I get tonight?

“Jess.”

It seemed to be the only thing I could get out of my mouth.

“Save it.”

I watch as she marches away, boots clacking furiously behind her. Of all the ways Jess could have found out, she finds out in the worst way possible. As the tears finally stream down my face I can’t help but think of all the damage I’d caused tonight. Two people pissed off and two friendships lost.

Happy birthday to me.