Let's Pretend It's Love

This is it.

The day that everyone’s been endlessly preparing for for months is finally here and I think I’m going to be sick.

The morning has been a blur of hemming up dresses, passing notes and pounding on make up and I wish it’d all just slow down for a moment, long enough for me to catch my breath Everyone’s buzzing with excited energy but I feel more anxious than the bride herself. Maybe I’m just jittery from all the coffee and chocolates I’ve downed this morning, maybe I’m still pressed about fitting in my dress or maybe it’s having to pretend that I’m okay that’s really killing me inside.

Three days have passed since the stag party fiasco and it’s safe to say that I’m still trying to recover. While I’d made the biggest fool of myself in front of my new brother in law and his insanely attractive best man, the embarrassment I felt was nothing compared to the heartbreak that ensued later.

I still didn’t understand it all. For months on end I’d been fighting my feelings, whilst Harry passively aggressively pushed for me to acknowledge them and when I finally wake up and come to my senses he pulls away and changes his mind. It was the ultimate manipulation but part of me thinks I deserve it. I’d waited too long to reciprocate my feelings. Maybe if I’d been honest with myself before things would be different. But I was too damn stubborn, too afraid to acknowledge the sensations that kept beating me over the head in fear of being wounded but it still happened. Maybe that’s just the risk of love- it’s either ends with your heart cradled safely in their hands or getting cut my the jagged pieces as you try to collect if off the floor. Perhaps I should have listened to Penny and pulled the “I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her” line. It worked for Julia Roberts, at least.

“Bugger,” I groaned, frowning at the smudged eyeliner as I inspected my reflection in the tiny vanity mirror.

I’d been attempting to do a cat eye for the past fifteen minuets and could not manage to keep a steady hand. There was still at least and hour left until the actual wedding began and I’d probably sweat off all the deodorant I’d swiped on early this morning. I was a bundle of nerves and the fact that I was supposed to be walking down the aisle on Harry’s arm in about 60 minuets was only making it worse. Even being in the house of the Lord couldn’t calm my nerves, I’m bound to be stuck down as soon as I enter the chapel anyway.

“Here, Pres, let me help you with your liner.” Penny cooes, batting her freshly curled and falsie adorned eyelashes at me.

She hasn’t stepped into her wedding gown yet, clad in a white silk robe with the word bride embroidered on the back in baby blue thread and about a thousand bobby pins holding up her waist length hair. The dressing room is crowded, make-up bags strewn across the vanities, spanks and heels thrown on chairs along with stray fabric from the hems of dresses and flecks of glitter that come from nowhere and bridesmaids running to and fro. Despite all the chaos, I can only imagine how happy Penny must be.

“Today is about you Pen, you don’t have to do a single thing for me. I’ll be fine.”

She sighs deeply, staring at her reflection for the millionth time before turning back to me.

“I’m sorry things didn’t work out between you and Harry. I would have changed the line-up but it was so last minute. You do understand, don’t you?”

I sighed, deciding to add a bit more blush into my cheeks.

“Don’t worry about it Penny. It’s not like we hate each other. We’re adults, we can act civil towards each other.”

I didn’t want any bad blood between Harry and I to rain on Penny and Liam’s parade so I knew I was going to have to suck up my anxiety. No one had to know we were at odds and we didn’t necessarily have to be madly in love. Plenty of bridesmaids and groomsmen interacted normally and they didn’t even have to be attracted to each other. I was more concerned about the reception, how they’ll be laughter and songs about love and how we’ll be on opposite sides of the room, not even giving each other a second glance.

And God, I hope he doesn’t have a date. It will kill me to see him with another girl.

“Well, as long as you’re okay with it, I’ll be okay,” she breathes.

I force a smile, hoping to give some reassurance.

“Penny, get back to your chair! Jen’s coming in in a minute to style your hair. You look like an old maid with those pins in your hair.”

I suddenly feel even more nervous as my mother walks into the room. Her expression is cold and distant like always but the slightest hint of a smile plays on her lips. She’s dyed her graying strands of hair for the occasion and the tea length dress that hugs her figure looks more appropriate for a prime minister’s wife than the mother of the bride. My parents are still out of the loop about things between me and Harry and I intend to keep it that way.

“Have you seen Liam, yet?” Penny beams, “is he nervous?”

She plops back in front of her vanity, sighing daintily.

“Well,” Mum grins. “he hasn’t gotten cold feet yet.”

The biggest smile adorns Penny’s pretty face.

“Oh mum, I’m proper nervous myself but I’m so happy. Terribly and utterly happy.”

I’d never believed in happy endings but maybe now I think they’re a real thing.

Maybe they just weren’t mean for me.

*******

“Fuck! Where are they?!”

Penny hisses stomping her foot and trying hard not to bite away at her perfectly manicured nails. In ten more minuets Penny would be Mrs. Liam Payne and the groomsmen had yet to join the rest of the bridal party in the back of the church.

The church was already full, Liam waiting at the altar, friends and family wedged between the pews and everything was suddenly beginning to feel real for all of us.

“Don’t worry Pen, they’ll get here eventually. You know how men are.” Charlotte assures.

Surprisingly she’s managed not to say a single off hand comment today. Weddings must have the power to turn devils into to angels, even if only for a day.

Penny frowns, looking much like a regal porcelain doll in her lacy gown as she clutches the pink roses to her chest.

“They need to hurry up. I have to pee.”

“There are my beautiful girls!”

Penny’s face lights up upon hearing dad’s voice and for the first time today I genuinely smile as I turn to face him.

His smile is big but there’s something weary in his eyes. He’s probably soon to be hit with the bittersweet emotions of giving away one of his daughters.

He comes to me first, pressing a kiss to the crown of my forehead. As I wrap my arms around him, I suddenly feel at ease.

“How long are you going to be my little girl? You’re not gonna be next are ya?” he questions sadly once we’ve pulled away.

I grin.

“I’m always gonna be your little girl, Daddy. Always.”

My answer seems to please him and he grins, smoothing down my hair before rushing off to Penny. From the corner of my eyes I spot the groomsmen making their way into the foyer. My heart won’t settle down as I watch him make his way towards the. He’s always so beautiful but I think I’d never seen him look as handsome as he does now, all dressed up in a tux, his usually wild curls perfectly gelled into place. Suits were a good look on him. Everything’s a good look on him.

The rest of the groomsmen pair up with their bridesmaids, Zayn making sure to send me a wink while Harry stands awkwardly to himself. I don’t want any one to suspect anything so I muster up the courage to approach him.

“Hi.” I whisper, clutching tightly to my bouquet of roses.

The corner of his lips curve up in a small smile, revealing those dimples I’d kissed a million times.

“Hey,”

He stuffs his hands in his pocket staring at me with those hypnotic green eyes, eyes that would make you want to do anything he asked you to.

“You look really nice in your tux. You should wear one more often.”

“Thanks,” he drawls. “you look quite lovely yourself.”

Harry had always given me complements and they were always some of the most genuine I’d ever received. But now it all seemed forced. The word lovely almost sounded like a chore. It didn’t fall off his lips the same way it had when I’d purposely arrived late at the Wild Sphinx or when I’d slipped on the silly Christmas jumper at his mum’s house, putting on his Rolling Stones shirt or even wearing nothing in front of him for the first time. There was a sparkle in his eyes then but now it seemed to be gone.

“Thanks.”

I hated this silence between us. That painful silence that former friends and used to be lovers endure when they see each other again after a long time. That deafening silence that lets you know that things are not the same as they were before.

“I have to say thanks, Harry,” I sighed, swallowing the lump in my throat. “thanks for going through with all this.”

“This isn’t- this isn’t about you,” he rasped. “ this is all for Penny and Liam.”

His words sting and I suddenly wish I hadn’t started any conversation at all.

“I know. Thanks- thanks for caring about the people I care about.”

He shrugs.

“That’s what happens when you care about someone, you grow to love the things they love.”

When you care about someone. Dear God, I sure do hope he still cares.

A hushed silence falls over the group, the tune of the wedding march audible through the heavy doors of the chapel. I take a deep breath, reaching out to adjust the rose on Harry’s lapel as the other bridesmaids and groomsmen file into line. He gives a small grin before gently linking his arm with mine. Once the first two couples have gone, it’s finally our turn to walk. I force a smile at the guest as I pass, making sure to pace my steps so that they match Harry’s. My nerves finally subside once everyone is in their place and I smile as Penny makes her grand entrance. When the nuptials begin, It’s hard not to steal glances at Harry. He looks so ethereal he looks standing in front of the stain-glassed windows, colored light dancing about his head like a halo. It’s hard to focus on Penny and Liam’s vows when he’s on the other side of the room, so close but yet seeming so untouchable.

Five minuets, six words and one kiss later Penny and Liam are officially husband and wife. The church is bursting with happiness and congratulations as the couple files out of the church in a haze of rose petals and confetti. Penny is no longer a Taylor and I am no longer a bridesmaid. I should be happy, happy for her and relieved for myself but right now I find it hard to do. As I make my way down the steps of the church with the rest of the bridal party and lingering guest, Harry doesn’t even bother to give me a second glance and suddenly all I want to do is cry.

****

After much debating I’d managed to convince myself to show up at the reception.

My feet ached in my heels, I was tired from waking up so early and I just wanted to go home and mope but attending the reception was my last and final promise to Penny regarding the wedding. The open bar and gourmet food wasn’t even enough to lift my poor mood but knocking back a glass of champagne and spending a good portion of the night with Zayn seemed to make things a bit more bareable.

“Having fun, yeah?” he asks, flashing his perfect smile at me.

I force a grin, fiddling with the heart shaped sequence on the table top. Mum had managed to out-do herself once again with eyelet lace table cloths that nearly matched Penny’s dress and red roses as the center piece. Everything was so stereotypically Valentine’s themed it felt more like a school dance than a wedding reception.

“Yeah,” I replied.

If stuffing your face with cake and half-assing the macarena was your idea of fun then sure. My eyes shift around the room, taking in the guest and the new bride and groom cozied up on the dance floor and my heart sinks when I don’t see any sign of him. There were at least two hours into the reception and I’d hardly seen Harry. He’d been on his feet at the very start of it, snapping pictures of wedding guest and the first dances. He probably hadn’t meant to stay all, only planning to do his job and leave. By now I was certain he’d gone home and I’d missed my last chance to make things right.

This was it for sure. I’d fucked up beyond repair and Harry was officially done with me. What hurt the most was knowing that the chances of finding a guy that makes me feel the way he does is one in a million.

“You owe me a slow dance,” Zayn smirks, disrupting my train of thought.

“Oh? I’m not really in the mood. My feet are tired,” I murmured, trying to come up with an excuse.

Zayn stands to his feet straightening his trousers before extending his hand out to me.

“C'mon, babe. Don’t I deserve a dance with the prettiest girl here?”

Ugh, his face is so hard to say no to.

“What’s in it for me?” I joke reluctantly taking his hand.

“I don’t know,” he smirks. “depends on where the rest of the night takes us.”

I force another smile as he leads me to the dance floor, a few couples already swaying to the melody of the song playing. As he wraps his arms around me, I can’t help but think about Harry, when we’d slow danced in my living room and he’d kissed me for the first time. I was so nervous, barely able to keep my breath steady. That’s what it’s supposed to be like, when you’re with the right person but right now I’d rather be somewhere else. I hardly knew him but I knew enough to know that things with Zayn felt boring and forced. He could never be a replacement.

The short while we’d been swaying felt like an eternity and I was so ready for it to be over. It’s almost as if my prayers have been answered when I spot that handsome face across the dance floor, striding his long legs in our direction. I try to hide the grin forming on my lips as Harry places large his hand on Zayn’s shoulder.

“Mate,” he drawls causing Zayn to turn around. “you don’t mind if I cut in, do ya?”

The disappointment on his face is almost too noticeable.

“Sure, excuse me,”

Zayn shoots me a final grin politely dismissing himself. Harry glances down at his shoes before turning his gaze back to me.

“Could I have this dance, m'am?” he asks sheepishly.

I grin. He’d come back, for me.

“I thought you’d never ask, sir.”

He doesn’t hesitate to pull me close, wrapping an arm around the small of my back and grabbing hold on my hand, intertwining our fingers. I close my eyes, resting my head against his shoulder breathing in his cologne.

God, this feels so right. This is perfect.

“Zayn’s a nice bloke,” he starts suddenly.

My eyes shoot open momentarily and my brows furrow in confusion.

“Stop,” I urge. “you’re killing the mood.”

He sighs.

“Just sayin’. I’d approve,”

“Well,” I sighed. “I don’t need your approval because I don’t want Zayn, I want someone else.”

I lift my head from his shoulder to look into his eyes hoping that maybe he’ll catch the hint.

“Hmm, tell me about him,” his eye brows raise, a threatening smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

“He’s amazing,” I sigh, “everything I ever wanted but didn’t know I needed. I was really stupid though, didn’t know a good thing if it hit me between the eyes.”

I look up at him again and his expression softens.

“You hurt me real bad, Presley,” he speaks, his voice deep. “how do I know you won’t do it again?”

I sigh, my heart sinking in my chest.

“Fool me once shame on you,” he continues “fool me twice, shame on me,”

“I know, I-”

“Who am I kidding, I’m so fucking crazy about you I’d let you fool me a thousand times.”

I can’t hide the grin on my face and pull away from him briefly, wrapping my arms around his neck.

“I’m crazy about you too, Harry- absolutely mad.”

He genuinely smiles for the first time tonight, leaning down to press his mouth to mine.

My heart swells with so much joy that it almost physically hurts and I can’t help but think that this is what life is supposed to be like, moments so poignant you can’t help but notice the blood rushing through your veins and your heart hammering against your chest. And how much better are these moments if you’ve got someone spectacular to share them with?

“I’m in love with you.” I whisper against his lips.

I never in a million would I have thought those words would pass across my lips and never in a million years would I have known how amazing they sound.

“I want you- I want us,” he drawls, “but you’re gonna to have to work really hard to get back on my good side. This isn’t too forgivable, you know.”

I grin.

“Tell me and I’ll do- anything.”

“We’ll cross that bridge when we get there,” he grins, pressing his forehead against mine. “let’s get out of here, yeah?”

And that’s just what we did, escaping the crowd as the band plays “Can’t Help Falling In Love”.

As we escape into the night, hand in hand, it’s only then that I realize no matter how hard we fight them, somethings are just meant to be.