Don't Let Me Drown

"What are yeh doing up so early?" Tom asked.

"Ivy texted. She wants to talk. I'm gonna surprise her and bring her to school". We haven't talked all weekend and I needed to sort things out with her.

"Uh.. She's not home. She's at Jade’s" he said, awkwardly. The two of them were up to something. They'd been acting weird since I got home.

I parked in front of the house and made my way to the door. As I was halfway up the sidewalk, it opened and Jade walked out, jumping when she saw me.

"What are yeh doing here?" She asked, her eyes wide.

"Wanted to see if Ivy would let me drive her to school" I said and her lips pressed into a straight line as she thought about what to say.

"Wait here. I'll go get her" she disappeared into the house and five minutes later, the two of them walked out together. Jade went to her car, leaving the two of us alone.

Ivy’s hair was in a pile on top of her head and she didn't have on any makeup like she usually did. "I fought I'd drive yeh so we could talk" she nodded and walked with me to that car.

"I fink we need to sort some fings out"

"Well I tried to talk to you the other day and you kicked me out" she said, staring out the window while I drove.

"I didn't want to say somefing I didn't mean"

"Like what?" She snapped and I could tell she was irritated with me.

"I don't know. Probably would have ended this cause I'm a stupid fuckin wanker and then called yeh 10 minutes lata to apologize"

"You wanna quit? Fine. Nobody's forcing you to spend time with me. You can drop me off here, I'll walk the rest of the way."

"I'm not dropping yeh off on the side of the road, will yeh just listen?" She didn't answer, just kept looking out the window. "I'm sorreh. Yeh just fuck me up, Ivy. I don't handle things well, and then yeh say shit like all we're doing is fucking and my self-destruction switch flips on and I wanna end the whole thing right there. But I don't want to end it because yeh mean more to me than that. And if that's all it is to yeh, then yeh need to tell me"

She looked at me, and then look away. She was silent until we pulled up to her school. "Say somefing" I said nervously. She's the one that texted me to talk and she's barely said anything the whole ride. I had no idea what she was thinking.

"It's more than that" she said quietly, looking at her hands. "I mean, that parts great. But I miss you. I miss spending time with you and goofing off with you and talking to you. And," she paused and was quiet for a moment before finishing her sentence, "you're right. We should end things here. Before they get more complicated"

"What?" She opened the door and got out, "that's not what I want and it doesn't sound like what yeh either"

"Listen, Oliver. I got a lot of shit you don't need to deal with. Your friends were right I am hard to handle. So quit while you're ahead. I'll get a ride home from Jade" she said, before closing the car door and walking towards the school doors.

"Fuck!" I said, hitting my steering wheel, watching her walk away.



I could feel the tears coming, so I closed the door before he could respond. I turned and walked slowly towards the entrance, waiting for him to drive away. He finally did as I reached the doors.

I heard the first bell ring, meaning all the students had left the halls. I leaned against the door and slid down it to the ground. Everything came out. I sobbed into my hands, thinking about Oliver. Why did it hurt so much? Why did I hurt so much?

I wiped my eyes and dug through my bag, searching for something to take the pain away. I found a couple Oxy in a little baggie in the bottom. After taking them, I started walking back to Jade’s.

When I was off of school grounds and onto the sidewalk, Tom pulled up beside me. "Need a ride?" He asked with a smile.

"I don't think I'm allowed in your car"

"What? Why not?"

"I just ended whatever I had with your brother." I told him.

"Get in" he said. I walked around to the passenger side, and fumbled with the door handle before finally getting it open. As I got in, the empty bag fell out of my pocket.

"I fought yeh quit that" he said quietly.

“So did I” I said. I hadn’t taken any drugs, other than the occasional pot with Tom or Jade, since the week with Oliver. I hadn’t felt the need to. Everything felt so bad for so long. They helped me cope but after that week, things started looking up. Not just because of Oliver, but because I slowly started feeling more comfortable in my own skin. I was me again. But, of course, I had just thrown that along with everything else down the toilet. I hated it. I hated feeling like this. I hated that I let a boy get to me so much. I hated that I allowed myself to let my guard down with him. I hated how open I was with him, but being anything else was impossible. You can’t pretend with Oliver. He sees right through it.

Tom was quiet the rest of the drive. I had thought he would drop me off at Jade’s, where I’d pick up my car and go sit in a parking lot until she got out of school, just like every other day since I’d stopped going. Instead he pulled up to his own home.

“What are we doing here?” I asked him, looking for Oliver’s car in the driveway. He wasn’t here.

“I didn’t want yeh driving. Oli’s not home, it’s okay.” He said, getting out. I followed him as he unlocked the door and we walked inside.

“Do you have any booze?” I said without thinking and he chuckled at me.

“yeah. I’m s’posed to be at Drop Dead” he laughed, walking over to a cabinet and pulling out a bottle of vodka anyway.